• Published 24th Oct 2012
  • 4,667 Views, 157 Comments

Two Best Friends Play: Equestria - MisterMercenary



Hey, friends! It's Matt and Pat IN EQUESTRIA!

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Chapter Four: There's A Xenophile On Our Asses

About a day after they arrived, Matt and Pat were just about ready to leave the hospital with Twilight.

"So what you're saying is," Matt asked, "that because we come from a place where magic doesn't exist, our bodies maybe had a reaction to the magic in Equestria?" Twilight nodded her head.

"Hmm. Fascinating," Matt said like Spock. Pat was signing the last vestiges of paperwork when they heard chatter outside the door.

Matt raised his eyebrow questioningly. "The hell is that?" He heard some ponies talk about how exciting this new "story" was and how big of a "scoop" it was going to be.

Pat put the pen down and groaned, "Goddamn journalists."

"You think so?" questioned Twilight.

"Of course I think so!" Pat yelled. "You think that two unknown creatures from another world that fell from the sky and suddenly got their cutie marks aren't going to attract some attention?"

Twilight shied away. "But it's only been a day! How could word have spread so quickly?"

Then, they heard a female voice shout over the crowd. "Hey! Humans! You guys! I LOVE YOU!"

Twilight put a hoof to her forehead. "Ugh, Lyra."

"You guys are going to have to get me up to speed," Matt said.

"Lyra's a pony who knows all about humans, and everypony deems her crazy because of it," Pat explained. "At least, that's what the fanon thinks."

"Fanon?" Twilight inquired.

"Uh, nothing," Pat said.

"Well, Lyra must've been the one who reported you two to the press," Twilight deduced. "I heard her bragging to everypony yesterday about how she'd been right all along and asking, 'Who's crazy now?' I still think she's nuts, even though she was right."

"Well, you can get us out of here, right?" Matt begged. "Please, I don't know how to deal with fangirls."

"Sorry, but my teleport spells have a set range. We'll only get so far," Twilight clarified.

"Dammit, why won't fate give us a break?" Matt lamented.

Pat sighed, "Well, we're getting out of here one way or another." He went up to the double doors, took a deep breath, and pushed them open. There was a storm of flashing lights and camera clicks as the paparazzi asked numerous questions over each other. Pat held up a hand to shield himself from the light, but, unfortunately for him, that meant he couldn't see the mint green unicorn lady hurling herself at him. Pat was tackled to the ground and saw Lyra standing over him. She gazed at him in wonder, levitating his hand to her eyes and staring at it for a few minutes. She sniffed Pat from his chin to his forehead.

"Perv," Pat grumbled. Matt and Twilight stared in fear from inside the hospital lobby.

"Hey, there," Lyra seductively whispered. "I know you can hear me. So why don't you come with me? I can help you. Really, I can."

"Uh, sorry. You're, um... not my type," Pat fumbled.

"I can make some arrangements." Lyra then planted a long, drawn-out kiss on Pat's lips. The crowd of press, along with Matt and Twilight, gasped in horror.

Pat shoved her off and ran. He looked back at Matt and Twilight and shouted, "What are you waiting for, an invitation? Let's fucking go!" Both of them nodded, then ran like hell.

Lyra got back on her hooves and gave chase, hollering, "WAIT! WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME!?" Despite her pleas, the trio kept running hell-for-leather away from Lyra and the press. Lyra gave chase, and the mob of journalists followed suit.

Pat's heart whacked against his chest and his lungs started to burn, along with his legs. Twilight caught up with him, breathing heavily and sweating profusely.

"Wait," Pat wondered aloud in between gasps, "where's Matt?" He looked over his shoulder to see Matt standing still, doubled over with his hands on his knees.

"Wait... wait up," Matt sputtered, "Wait up you guys..."

"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU, YOU GODDAMN MORON!?!" Pat screamed.

"I'm... I'm not good at running..."

"THERE'S A XENOPHILE ON OUR ASSES, AND YOU'RE WHINING ABOUT HOW YOU CAN'T RUN? GET MOVING, YOU LAZY SON OF A BITCH!"

"What's a xenophile?" Matt questioned as he got his legs in gear. There was a veritable dust storm as the crowd of journalists and Lyra stampeded towards the three. All of their legs were starting to give out.

"Wait, you guys," Pat said, "I have an idea. We all split up. Twilight, you keep going forward, to your house." He pointed at the big tree house in the distance. "I'll run left while being transparent. Matt, you stall them using your Cap powers. Got it?" They nodded in assent. "Good," Pat said, "Let's go. Invisible!" he screamed. Invisi-Pat ran to the left while watching Twilight rush towards her house. Meanwhile, Matt had turned around, facing the crowd and their fangirl.

"America!" he yelled while shooting his right hand in the air. He transformed into Cap, this time with his skull-cap on and vibranium shield at the ready. Cap-Matt hurled his shield sideways towards the array of paparazzi and Lyra. They all yelped and ducked. The shield destroyed some fedoras that were hanging in the air as it shot above the swarm. The shield bounced off a lamppost and returned to Matt.

Lyra was the first to poke her head up. "Ooh, a little fight in you," she muttered, "I like that."

Matt returned her accidental The Dark Knight quote by saying, "Then you're gonna love me." Matt grabbed the shield with both hands and put it at his side, making him look like he was charging up a hadouken. Then, with an almighty cry of "CHARGING STAR!", Matt rocketed forward with the shield in front of him and plowed into the crowd, knocking them all into the air. They eventually landed with about fifty painful-sounding thuds. With the paparazzi task force done for, he ran towards Twilight's house.

---

Twilight's House, 2:45 P.M

Twilight kept running as Pat had asked. She forced herself to look away as the commotion amplified behind her, galloping towards the library. Her legs threatened to buckle under her, but she forced herself to keep running. She finally made it to the door of the tree house. Twilight burst through the door and smashed it closed. She heard a small groan from upstairs.

"Uggghhhhhh... Twilight? That you?"

"Spike?" she said, rushing up the stairs. Twilight found Spike lying on his bed in the fetal position, wincing in pain and clutching his stomach.

Spike glanced at Twilight from where he lay. "Oh, Twilight!" he wearily said, "Boy, am I glad to see you."

"Spike? What happened to..." She trailed off as she saw the multiple buckets of ice cream strewn about her bedroom. Twilight put a hoof to her forehead again. "Ugh, what did you do to yourself?" she said annoyedly.

"Well, while you were gone, I had a simple day plan: eat ice cream, take a nap, repeat. Simple."

"Really?" the lavender mare asked incredulously. "Weren't you worried about me?"

"Well, yeah. While eating ice cream and napping all day was fun, I found myself getting really concerned about you. I missed you, Twilight."

That seemed to cinch it. Twilight felt tears well up in her eyes as she pulled Spike in for a tight hug. "Oh, I missed you too!" she said as she kissed him on the forehead. Spike recoiled.

"Anyway," he said while vigorously rubbing his forehead, "what was all that commotion about yesterday in the market? I heard some ponies talking about 'weird creatures that fell from the sky' and 'bursting into flames.' What was that all about?"

As if on cue, the front door opened seemingly on its own, then shut itself. Spike bolted upwards while Twilight asked the library, "Pat? Is that you?"

"Yeah, it's me," Pat replied. "Visible." The grumpy ginger then made himself seeable.

Spike yelped, "AHH! A MONSTER!" He bolted behind Twilight and peeked out from behind her flank. "Wha-wha-what is that thing?"

"That," Twilight said, "is the weird creature that fell from the sky."

"Hey!" Pat interjected.

"Sorry," Twilight said before turning to Spike. "Anyway, Pat here means us no harm. There's a friend of his that came to Ponyville along with him. His name is Matt. He should be arriving any minute now."

Again, as if on cue, the door shattered into a bajillion pieces as Cap-Matt leapt in to the tree house. He stood in the middle of the library with a gigantic grin on his face. "Hey, guys," he introduced himself. Everyone in the room just glared at him. Matt let out a defensive "What?"

"Spike, meet Matt. Matt, Spike." Twilight introduced the human and the dragon. Matt jovially waved at Spike. Spike just shivered.

Matt put a hand on his chin. "Hmm..." he pondered, "he doesn't look nearly as cool as Spiegel."

"Who?" Spike asked.

"Nothing," Matt replied. "Soviet Russia." He turned back into regular, Canadian Matt.

"These two," Twilight explained, "will be staying with us until the media stops badgering us."

"Twilight, are you sure about this?" Spike questioned.

"I'm positive, Spike, that these two are perfectly normal, peaceable individuals."

"They're mysterious creatures that fell from the sky! How could they be considered normal?"

"Spike, Matt and Pat are nice men, despite their outward appearances."

"But what if-"

"No buts. They're staying here, and that's final." Twilight turned her head towards the two humans. "You guys hear that?"

"Yeah," they replied.

"Good. Now that that's taken care of, Matt, Pat, make yourselves at home."

The pair shuffled about while Spike grumbled, "I still think that this is a bad idea."