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Chapter One: Something Stupid This Way Comes1,285 words
Chapter Two: Fear Not, My Friend From Up North1,447 words
Chapter Three: Invisibility And Unwavering Patriotism1,823 words
Chapter Four: There's A Xenophile On Our Asses1,617 words
Chapter Five: I Hate Meet-And-Greets1,432 words
Chapter Six: You Salty, Bro?2,129 words
Chapter Seven: Come With Me If You Want To Look Nice1,944 words
Chapter Eight: Dat Ass (AKA: Cosmic Lovin')2,897 words
Chapter Nine: They'll Remember Me1,979 words
Chapter Ten: The Only Hope1,137 words
Chapter Eleven: I'm Friends With A Sociopath4,058 words
Cancellation210 words

Chapter Three: Invisibility And Unwavering Patriotism

"Just what the heck are you two?" asked Flitter.

"Yeah, and why are you so vulgar?" inquired Cloudchaser.

Pat snapped out of his fury-induced trance born of Matt's Star Wars: Episode One quote and looked over his shoulder. "Huh? What was that?"

"We just asked you two what you are." said Flitter.

"And why you swear so much." said her sister.

"Well, the swearing part is our thing," answered Matt. "It's what we do."

"As for what we are," said Pat, "we're... well, you'll find out soon enough."

Flitter frowned. "Thanks for the answers, geniuses."

"Ah, shut up, Flitter." Pat groaned. This made the two sisters pause in midair.

"Wh-what was that?" asked Flitter.

"How do you know my sister's name?" demanded Cloudchaser.

"Like I said before, you'll know soon enough." reassured Pat.

Flitter flashed Cloudchaser a look that read, How does he know me!?!. Cloudchaser shrugged and stared back, Maybe we'll find out. As the sisters lowered the friends down to the ground, the crowd of ponies at the marketplace gasped.

"Oh, come on, we're not that ugly!" Matt whined. "Well, Pat is."

"You asshat." Pat shot back. The two were dropped to the ground by the siblings, who then nervously floated down into the crowd. The multitude of unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies started to whisper amongst themselves.

"What are they?"

"Am I dreaming?"

"Can they hear us?"

"I say we execute them!"

"I heard that, asshole." Pat annoyedly stated. The entire crowd shut their mouths.

"Nice job introducing ourselves, Pat." Matt sarcastically voiced.

"Well, he said he wanted to kill us!"

"That doesn't mean you should call him that!"

As the two quibbled, Twilight Sparkle couldn't decide whether she should be excited or terrified. Two never-before-seen creatures had dropped into Ponyville! Literally! And they spoke Equestrian! Not only that, but they were fluent and arguing in Equestrian! Wow! She shivered where she stood in the crowd. Twilight didn't know whether to approach them and speak up or to hang back in and watch. The tension was killing her. Finally, she slowly trotted up, earning the stares of everpony in the market.

"Uhh... gentlemen?" she nervously interjected. Matt and Pat paused their argument.

"Hello there," Twilight said with an awkward wave. "My name is-"

"Twilight Sparkle. Yeah, I know." Pat interrupted.

"Hell, I don't even watch the show and I knew that." Matt added.

Twilight took a step back. "I- but- wha..."

"Don't ask, but I know most everything there is to know about this place." Pat advised. "I know about Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and best po- I mean, Fluttershy. I know about Celestia and Luna, about your brother and Cadance. I know about Nightmare Moon, Discord, the Elements, Derpy, all that jazz.

"Bu... but... but how?" Twilight stammered.

"I think it's best for you not to know. I doubt many of you would take it well."

Matt sniffed the air. "Hey, you guys smell something?"

Pat smelled the air with him. "Yeah... something's grilling. But that doesn't make sense, ponies are vegetari..." He trailed off when he saw the first wisps of smoke climb in front of his face and felt a burning sensation in his hand. Pat looked down to see his right hand on fire.

The pain suddenly rushed through his nerves and into his brain, causing him to collapse on the ground screaming. The agony felt like someone had branded the back of his hand. Pat's vision blurred and his hearing weakened thanks to the searing pain, but he could make out a wailing black and blue blob that was no doubt Matt feeling the same sensation he was feeling. Finally, both of them passed out on the ground from the suffering, and they dreamt of fire.

---

Matt groaned and blinked open his eyes. What the hell had happened earlier? He leaned up and came face to face with Twilight and a male unicorn doctor with an orange coat and brown, parted mane.

"Oh good, you're awake. You're in the burn ward right now." the doctor explained.

"Unnngh... where's Pat?" he asked.

"Who?" the doctor questioned.

"The bipedal ginger one."

"Oh, him. He's right over there." He pointed a hoof to Matt's right, showcasing a sleeping Pat in a green hospital gown on a bed.

Matt sighed. "Good." He glanced down at his right hand and saw it was bandaged. He looked to the table to his left and saw his skull-cap. Matt then lay down and watched the doctor leave the room. He decided to ask, "Twilight, what happened?"

"I'm not sure. Maybe your bodies are reacting to the magic in this world." she replied.

Matt's eyes widened. "What? Magic?"

"Yes, there's magic here. These horns aren't for decoration, you know." she said with a chuckle. "Why, do you not have magic where you two are from?"

"Well, no. The only magic in our world is misdirection and sleight-of-hand."

Twilight furrowed her brow. "Hand?"

"Uh, this thing." Matt waved his good hand in front of her face.

"Oh, like a claw?"

"Something like that."

"Wow... does everyone like you have that? I'm assuming there's more like you two."

"Uh, yeah."

"Oh my gosh, there's so much I'm learning right now!" Twilight grabbed a pencil and notepad and started to scribble down notes while engaging in the time-honored tradition of the "squee." Matt heard a weak moan from his right. He leaned up and turned his head to see Pat dizzily rubbing his head.

"What the fuck happened?" Pat questioned.

"Quiet! There are foals here!" Twilight shot at Pat. He put up his hands defensively.

Then, the doctor came back into the room, magically holding a clipboard and pen. "Ah, I see both of you are awake. Is everyone alright?" Matt and Pat nodded. "Good. Now," he said as turned to Matt, "what's your name?" Matt gave his name, mesmerized by the floating clipboard and pen. The doctor wrote down notes on it. He faced Pat and asked him the same. When he was finished writing their names down, he said, "Now that that's taken care of, I will introduce myself. My name is Dr. Amber Lamps, and I will be-"

His introduction was cut off by raucous laughter from Matt and Pat. Amber Lamps looked offended. "I fail to see what's so funny with my name. It's a perfectly normal name, mind you, and I will not be told by some alien creature that it is silly."

When the laughter died down, Pat said, "Oh, sorry, but your name reminded us of something funny." Pat grinned while Matt chuckled. Amber Lamps still frowned.

"Well, if you two are done, let's have a look at your injuries." Amber Lamps grabbed Matt's bandaged hand and unwrapped it, explaining to them that they had second-degree burns on the backs of their right hands. Matt winced as the bandage was unraveled. His expression of pain turned to one of shock as he saw the mark the burn had left.

There was a thin circle that reached the back of his knuckles, followed by a gap, followed by a thicker circle closer to the center. At the center was a star that took up the majority of the thicker circle.

In other words, the burn resembled Captain America's shield.

Matt stared at the burn in awe, while Twilight and Amber Lamps stared in confusion.

"What the... that can't be natural!" she said.

"You have to admit, it is pretty badass, though." Matt beamed at the burn. Meanwhile, Amber Lamps had rushed over to Pat to see if his burn looked similar. He practically tore off the bandages, revealing that Pat's burn was an outline of a man. A very thin outline.

"Dude, I can barely see this thing," Pat complained to the doctor. "It's practically invisible." When he said the word "invisible", Pat disappeared.

"Woah!" Matt shouted. "Where the hell did Pat go?"

"I'm right here, dumbass." Pat replied.

"Well, I can't fucking see you!"

"What?" Pat looked down at himself to see his whole body was transparent. "Woah, man."

"How'd you become invisible?"

"Well, I disappeared when I said my burn was practically invisible. Wait a sec..." Pat thought for a moment, then shouted, "Visible!" Pat then reappeared on his bed. Amber Lamps fainted.

Pat screamed skyward, "I'M FUCKING INVISIBLE!" He the disappeared again.

"Shhhh!" Twilight cautioned.

"Sorry. Visible," Pat said.

"Well, you get active camo, but what the hell do I get?"

Pat shrugged. "I dunno, maybe say 'America'?"

Twilight had a confused look on her face. "What's America?"

Matt turned his head at subsonic speed. "Only the greatest country to ever be founded!"

Twilight nervously nodded. "Uh-huh."

Matt steeled himself. Then, he shouted to the heavens, "AMEEEEEEEEERRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Shhhhhh!" Twilight warned.

Suddenly, Matt became taller, buffer, and instead of the hospital gown, he wore a suit that had more than a passing resemblance to Captain America's suit. He looked down at his skull-cap and saw that it had turned red, white, and blue instead of the usual black.

Matt's smile had expanded by a few miles. He closed his eyes and screamed, "YEEEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" as if Horatio Cane had taken off his sunglasses back on Earth.

"Shhhhhhhh!" Twilight admonished for the fourth time in a row.

"Waaaait a sec..." Matt questioned "If I'm Cap, where's my shield?" He then felt a weight press down on his legs. He looked to see a giant red, white, and blue shield. "Oh."

"Look, you being Cap is cool, I'm not gonna lie," Pat admitted. "But how are you going to turn back into the same loser I make videos with?"

"How are you two friends?" Twilight asked. They both looked at each other, then shrugged. She facehoofed.

"Anyway, how are you going to turn back?" Pat repeated.

"Uh..." Matt wondered. "Maybe if I say the most un-American thing ever. Umm... Soviet Russia?" Matt promptly turned back, the shield and clothes leaving with the muscle.

Pat's eyes dilated. "Wait a sec, I could barely see my burn, then I turned transparent. Your burn looked like Captain America, then you turn into Cap whenever you say 'America.'" Pat's jaw dropped. "Are these burns cutie marks?"

Matt raised an eyebrow. "Cute- what now?"

"Cutie marks," Twilight explained, "are marks that show up on a pony's hindquarters when they discover their special talent. I guess they show up on the hands of... uh... what species are you guys?"

"Humans," Pat answered.

"Humans, right."

"Are they normally this painful to get?" Matt asked.

"No, I guess humans get them differently."

"Invisibility and unwavering patriotism," Pat smirked. "Some special talents, huh?"

"Yeah, you could say that." Matt chuckled. "So, any idea how to get out of here?"

"I dunno." said Twilight.

"Ya got me." said Pat.

"I thought as much." affirmed Matt.

---

A/N: I had to differentiate my story from other crossover HiE's somehow. Credit for the cutie mark idea goes to Urdeth.

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