FS yelling to get her friends' attention seems out of character. I know she has her loud moments, but they are usually yelling at ENEMIES (or the one time cheering).

>>28912891

First, thank you very much for the comment. I love getting feedback on my story. :)

(also, sorry for the delay in responding, I was going to talk to you directly in the EquestrianStudy IRC but I never saw you on when I was there.)

As for Fluttershy in Chapter 4, I believe the part you are referring to is when she is trying to get her friend's attention. I drew from the show in several places for this scene, but mostly from the scene in "Staremaster" when she basically uses the same lines to get the attention of the CMC when they were ignoring her. I also took inspiration from other times where she was either not heard or overshadowed by other ponies, for example, the beginning of "Dragonshy" and the manticore scene from episode 2.

So while I love your feedback, I decided to leave the scene as is, except I made a minor change of removing the bold on the final exclamation, as she isn't angry, just frustrated. I think I'll try and keep the bold for Angryshy.

Thanks again!

This story keeps getting better.  Continue my friend.

Wow, just wow. I am really impressed. Creating all those rhymes for Zecora must have been hard.

Keep up the good work!

>>80268026

While checking email at work, I got such a surprise,

When suddenly a comment appeared to my eyes.

"I never get comments!" I thought in my head,

Disbelieving the words on the page I had read.

For comments and ratings have been rare as of late,

And I had given up, and resigned to my fate.

"Ill never get noticed! My story must stink!"

Faith in my writing had begun to sink.

Slowly I believed my story was just for me,

And that few others would enjoy, to read, and to see.

My tale, his world, and his life still to unfold,

I have so much to write, so much more to be told.

Your words brought happiness and renewed my drive,

To improve on my writing, to grow and to thrive.

As well it did brighten a slow, weary work day,

And that is just priceless, I have to say.

So thank you again, thanks so much for your time,

And I hope you don't mind that I did this in rhyme.

Good, but I was just a bit turned off by long you spent going off on tangents with Pinkie Pie early in the chapter.  It almost seemed like she'd hijacked the narrative and went trotting down memory lane before you could regain control.  You got back on track though, so you've still got me hooked.

Quite informative.

And I LOVE the Take That you zinged Cupcakes with!

Well done!

>>85008500

Yeah, I know what you mean. To be honest, I've found that, especially with all mane 6 here, they all want to steal the spotlight, at least in my head. Pinkie's explanation, as I call it, actually went through 3 rewrites, and this final version is by far the best of the three. This time, while it is longer in words, it feels like Pinkie is talking, and interacting with Dash as herself, instead of just reading from a script, and I liked that much better than the old versions. Plus, I needed to clarify a little more of the whole "pegasus ancestry" bit of fanon (it IS fanon, despite it linking with background canon), and having Indigo do that...well, that just felt like a whole bunch more exposition. Also, in my personal headcanon, Pinkie is related to Surprise, her original form as designed by Faust, and it just made sense to me to have her know about that stuff.

Glad to know you're still enjoying it, and as always, I will strive to improve my work. Thanks for the feedback!

>>85428542

Nice Catch! Both my main prereaders missed the reference there.

I add all sorts of little references and call-outs to the show and to the fandom. See if you can find them all!

As always, thanks for the comment!

I see what you did there.

>>87198719

Oh noes! Ceiling Trollestia is watching me write!

Seriously though, thanks for the comment, but no idea what part of the story you are referring to

LIKE A FAUST!

(10/10)

Oh and, NICE. AVATAR!

>>1414214142

>>1468914689

Thank you, and thank you again!

I'm glad you enjoyed what I have so far, I hope you like what is still to come, as the story grows, and I truly hope you will love the finished product.

My psychic powers tell me I will, so will everyone else who reads this. Oh, watch this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0mPA6QPrqvI&feature=related

PONEEEEEEEEEEEE

>>1524115241

>>1615216152

Mmyes, good video. Headbobbed to that the other night. This was basically my expression when I saw what it was, though. (What am I looking at here) hehe

Sorry about the delay and chapter renamings. Going through the revisions mentioned on the blog, and its making quite a mess

Oh well, the improvements are coming along nicely, and once they are complete, I can go back to working on the new chapter! yay~

wait so he's a alicorn?

oh he's a unicorn

>>1804918049

>>1805418054

The only alicorns in my story/headcanon are the Princesses. And they will not be seen much. Probably about as often as you see them in the show, so only every now and again. Not planning any chapters focused on them at all... At least, not yet...

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Cmon, MOAR!

(If you need any help... I'm good at helping)

>>3165531655

Hello again. I'm really sorry about the delay... this chapter involves some elements which are making it hard to write. On top of that, I just got back from a week's vacation, and did not have time to work on it at all.

Now that is not to say that I have not made any progress at all... Before I left, I penned several thousand words of the first draft. Its just... I've hit a section that is causing me writers block, and is holding up the story.

Now that I'm back, I'm sure I will get past it shortly. I have not forgotten you, nor any of my other readers. I try to work on the story every day, when I can.

I promise, I am not abandoning this story, or putting it on hiatus. It will come, I just don't know how much longer this chapter will take.

*hands a sledgehammer*

SMACK THAT WRITER'S BLOCK GOOD!!

>>1805418054

eeyup. I have to admit I was a little confused too at first, since unicorns can't normally walk on clouds, but I figured it makes sense that unicorns born to two pegusi would have that trait. Interesting take on that factor, Zolt.

>>28912891

Actually, that line she said is almost verbatim from the show. During the cutie mark sleepover at fluttershy's place, she yelled at the CMC's to get their attention.

Damn, Zolt. This should have way more readers than it does now. For me, you fill up the gap that I didn't even know was missing from a lot of the others stories I read on here until now: professionalism. Lots of great fics out there have the emotion that keeps me hooked on the story, but you have that, AND a very, very good writing style. It's obvious that you are a very experienced writer. (Don't try to tell me that you aren't, or this is your first fic or something, I will call you a liar). Anyways, have you tried submitting this to EQD? It will EASILY publish. You should do that, like, soon.

5/5, one of the most involved, complex, deep, and impressive stories I have read to date.

Wow, very suspensful. Kept me rather hooked througout with the suspense and the last line of the first chapter... What a ! And I still haven't read the rest of the chapters!

Truly your rhyming skills are very dazing

but I must say this story is amazing!!!!

NO!!!!!

>>3432434324

*looks up from his computer desk, where an epic battle with a dragon is taking place*

*gets a determined look in his eyes*

"Looks like my Skyrim will have to wait!" (epic music begins to play)

*inhales deeply and lets out a piercing Shout*

"RAIN BO DAAH!!!" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2O-P16lz_NM)

*computer tumbles through the air as it disappears off-screen*

*bends down and heaves a heavy beige stone onto the desk*

*snatches the sledgehammer from your hooves, and raises it overhead with a mighty battle-cry

... pulls out a tiny chisel and starts chipping away with the giant hammer.*

Will do!

(in all seriousness I was mostly only playing Skyrim as a break. I am still making progress. First draft of the newest chapter should be done soon. Thanks again for your support!)

>>4058840588

Thank you so much for your supportive comment. If I could nominate it for best comment of the day or something, I would.

I put a lot of work into each and every chapter, and I do my best to be professional, though I'm not sure I'm any more professional than the next average writer. Contrary to what you may think, this IS actually the first thing I have written since high school, 7-8 years ago. Hence why I have to sometimes go back and retcon, or improve things based on reviews (and EqD rejection ). Of course, I try to keep it to a minimum, but like I have said before, its incomplete until it's complete.

As for the emotion, I try to put myself in his horseshoes, so to speak, and think how he would react to the situation he is in. Losing control of your life is a very traumatic experience. Add onto that the fact that he is kinda an introvert and is suddenly thrust into this new world with new ponies and well, you can see what happens. I do my best, and if that is gotten across to the reader, then I have done my job right. Id hate to do a poor job. The story in my head deserves better. Sometimes I think it deserves better than I can muster, but I strive to improve (another reason for upgrading older chapters )

Thank you again for the awesome comment and the rating. I appreciate it more than you will ever know.

>>4429244292

Hello, and thanks for reading!

I'm glad you found my first chapter so interesting... Actually, I'm a little surprised, since I got rejected from EqD due to supposed "flow issues" with that chapter. After the newest chapter is complete, I will be looking at revamping the first two, to try and apply some of what I have learned since originally writing them. I hope to make them even better than before!

...but I digress. I truly hope you enjoy the rest as much as you have enjoyed the first chapter! And thanks for commenting!

>>4475744757

Thanks for the comment! I do like to rhyme.

It comes strangely easy, though not all the time.

Sometimes I struggle, and sometimes it streams

Flowing forth from my mind, and often in dreams.

Alas, time will come when Zecora will leave

And the rhyming will cease, and I will then grieve.

But the future awaits us, so much more to be told.

And she may return, if I may be so bold

So thank you again, enjoy this rhyming reply.

As I continue to write, and improve. (Well, I'll try)

>>4477444774

YESYESYESYESYES

...no wait...

Wat?

FIRING ORBITAL ANTI-WRITERS BLOCK/DRAGON CANNON IN:

3

2

1

YOL ROH uhhhh.... MOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRR!!!!1!!!!!ONE!!!!

>>1616816168

Ha ha! one of my favorites too. I won't comment long here, as I only just discovered the story, and am in need of a moment to read it. It sounds interesting from the description and comments!

...

Why are there NEVER Luna ponimoticons???

Have some Twi instead!

>>4056640566 There is also the cloudwalking spell shown in Sonic Rainboom.

Damn, that reflection guy is creepy. Just what the hell is going on in Indigo's Head? Can't wait for the next chapter Zolt, awesome stuff here.

WHY CANT I STOP READING THIS!!!!!!

Do you Have any Idea when the next chapter will be up? This story Is AWESOME

FIRING ORBITAL YES/MOAR CANNON IN:

3

2

1

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is great! im really enjoying it so far, intense stuff right here! please continue in creating.............DA MAGIKZ!

>>5312353123>>5845458454

*is repeatedly obliterated by the cannon and stumbles around blindly*

Bwuh? Whuh?

*falls over*

But I just finished... and then you... and then I... What?

More will be coming, I promise, but I promised myself after this doozy of a chapter I would:

a) revamp chapter 1 and 2 for another shot at getting onto EqD

b) Try and make myself an avatar in the same style as the cover picture I made (I know, I love shrugging ponies too, but I've got a picture in my head of my ponysona and I want to give it a shot.)

c) I'm also tempted to take a stab at drawing the scene at the end of the most recent chapter (you know which one I mean) But that all depends if I can picture it well enough, or how this avatar turns out. I may hold off on that for now.

The good news is that I've technically already started the next chapter. I had originally planned to have the next chapter and this one combined, but I realized that it would be far too long, and that this was a better stopping point, especially from a story standpoint. Even more good news is that when I was having issues writing, I storyboarded out the entire chapter, so I know what will happen the whole way through. Barring any more writers block ( I wonder if you can tell which part of the story gave me so much trouble... ), It should not be as long as a wait as last time.

Thanks again for reading!

>>5377953779

Glad to have you here! Hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it

Don't forget to rate when you do read!

(I think the more good ratings I get the more likely readers are to find my story. But I would never pad my numbers. I just hope people enjoy it and rate.)

>>5708457084

Omigosh! You bringing up cloud walking made me remember that I had already brought that up once. Gah! I missed a continuity error! *fixes*

Thanks so much for reading, and I am very grateful you mentioned that

>>5709257092

While I would love to go on and on about everything that's going on in his head, I'm sure that pretty much anything I would say would be a spoiler. So I'll leave it to your imagination, for now

As for the next chapter, see my above comment. But it will be done, when it is ready. Same as all my chapters.

Hopefully sooner than later!

>>5716257162

But... but... why would you want to? *sniffle*

Hehe, glad you enjoy it! There's much more to come!

>>5733157331

I'm very happy you enjoy my story. As noted in one of the comments above, the next chapter has been started and storyboarded, but I will be taking a short break to revamp the first few chapters, to take another shot at getting on EqD. After that, it will be a toss up between trying to draw something in flash, and working on the story. I have a feeling I'll go back and forth for a while. Don't want to burn out my writing brain after all.

TLDR; It will be done when it's ready, but hopefully not a long as a wait as this last chapter was!

>>5925059250

You know I will!

(though I must admit, I have no idea where da magickz are coming from. It's just a story in my head, and I am glad you think I tell it well.)

Thanks for reading and rating!

>>6226962269

You do know that you can put all those replies in one post, right?

>>6234962349

Yup, but I love all my readers and I think that, until I get overwhelmed, I should personally reply to each.

Its more personal that way, and that way each knows they are appreciated seperately, not just some generic message to all my readers. Thats what the blog is for

>>6263962639

No, as in you can put more than one reply in one post.

>>6226962269

Just

>>6225962259

Like this.

>>6264462644

Haha, no I didn't. Never been very good at these things. Dunno why, I'm not that old. Just never got into it I suppose.

I'll try and figure it out.

Thanks!

>>6275362753

Just do the same thing you do for the original reply. The reply will be added to the post without making a new one automatically.

And you're welcome, I'm happy to help.

Ooops, sorry. I get a little carried away with my orbital cannons sometimes...

Anywho, FIRING ORBITAL ANTI-DISORIENTATION CANNON IN:

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2

1

Uhhhh.... What kinda noise would a cannon like that make?

Okay.

First of all, the opening you have here is really vague. The first chapter isn't really interesting, all it does more or less is explain the opening. I'm not saying it's particularly horrible, but it's cliche and quite annoying at least.

Your prose (or flow, as you called it in the chat box) isn't very good at all. There is a specific reason why: You chose to write this story in first person, and I can tell that it would have been much better in third person. This first chapter ended up being, instead of natural speaking, sketchy and awkward. It pretty much made me want to leave after the first few paragraphs.

Instead of using the main character to narrate the events which led to his actions, I would have preferred a flashback in which he actually goes through each and every one of them specifically. All the dialogue, all the emotion, in the form of a time lapse.

Grammar isn't bad, nothing to serious but some misplaced punctuation and whatnot.

3/5.

>>6671766717

Ok, this is prolly to late for you to read it but I gonna say it anywayz. (bad grammar intentional)

That's called a prologue, writers use it to give readers a basic idea of what's going to happen in a story so they can get into the action right away, I really don't know how it's cliche as it's a popular tool for most writers, even best sellers like Redwall, Terry Pratchett and The Lord Of The Rings, and most certainly not annoying, better than just leaping into the action or spending 60000 words explaining his life to us now eh?

When you say that the story would be better in third person I disagree, the writer chose to write it that way and that's his/her decision to make, besides, it would probably still be just as good in third person, just ever so slightly different. As to being sketchy and awkward I disagree to that also, I don't see why it's sketchy and awkward, seems fine to me.

Again, just a choice of preference, it would probably be the same either way. I think this way is better because flashbacks always seem cheesy to me and because it let's him truly show how he felt during the event.

I'm not trying to be mean but only to offer constructive criticism on your constructive criticism...

Did I really just say that?

Anyway don't take this the wrong way.

>>6306163061 mooB. Simple as that.

>>6226962269 Thank God! The next chapter is going to be so awesome. I know it. Also, if you kill Indigo, I WILL KILL YOU.

Have a nice day.

>>7974979749

mooB? What in the hay does that mean?

>>8039880398 It's Boom Backwards.

>>8041180411

(rumble rumble rumble)

.....OH! I get it, nice.

Also, it's spelled baws.

Y u no update?

>>128453128453

Sorry!

I am not the fastest writer, and at times I get writers block. While I have the majority of the story planned out, the details get to me sometimes.

Also, I work full time, and the situation at work has been very stressful for quite a few months (understaffed, overworked, supervisor getting on my butt... I'm sure you know the drill). My muse has been rather uncooperative, probably related. Haven't managed to do anything major since the Christmas art I made for you guys over my 3 days off over Christmas (took 2 of my 3 days off to make it, but I really wanted to give you guys something special).

That said, I am plugging away at it. I was hoping to do the revamp on the earlier chapters first before I got to the new chapter, since I've been putting that off for ages and I'd love to get on EqD, but I know its been over a month since the last update, so I think I need to readjust my priorities.

I have some vacation time coming up, and I hope to get at least the rough draft of the new chapter done then. No promises though, it depends on my muse. I won't put out shoddy work.

But enough of my rambling. Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoy what is to come.

Whoa

last line

goosebumps

are still writing?

Let me explain something to everyone:

Zoltrioundz has been working very hard to do everything he can to make the story awesome and has been working hard for around 3 months and is having a very hard time and is not doing too well with the whole writing thing, and we need to help. What I want everyone to do is post a comment saying 1 thing you liked the story and 1 reason you think he should continue, Ready?

set....

GO!

>>11152971115297 i have to reread it then lol been so long i will get back to ya i was reading this before season 2 so i need a refresher

I'm sorry there still hasn't been an update. I haven't really wanted to admit this to people, but over the past year, I've found myself trapped in a depression, with no end in sight. The story still bounces around in my head, looking for a way out, but actually getting it written down has turned out to be glacial, and I haven't done anything artistic at all. Just work, sleep, and distractions from how crappy I find my life. I am now looking towards getting some therapy to help with the depression, and also finding more time to sit down and write, rather than my usual distracting myself from my depression with video games.

I know its not what you wanted to hear, but I am truly sorry to have left this as it is so far, and I do want to continue as soon as I can.

P.S. I didn't put this one as a blog post, as only 1 person even viewed the last one, heh.