So far (Chapter 1) this story has a lot of promise. Continuing on with bated breath.

Update

OK... so this story is turning out exceptional. I am actually on the edge of my seat for more.

Green thumb and favorite. Keep up the good work.

Mild spoiler

I absolutely love how you break down the intricacies of the cloud walking spell into scientific components. Almost makes magic seem like a science, a science that Twilight is exceedingly gifted at, but a science nonetheless. (I might have to borrow the idea for my rewrite I like it so much.)

Bah, you handled Celestia well enough, and I couldn't see any relevant OOC moments for her.

*clap*... *clap*.... *clap*... *roaring applause*

That was awesome. Now where is chapter 5...

>>17606211760621

This^

This is rather good.

I liked the initial scene with the pegasus patrol, the use of the cloudwalking spell, and the overall sense of urgency and organization.  Keep it up.

Dang...  Just, dang...

I wasn't quite expecting such a strong start from a fic, but you got my attention with this.  All out war going on here, haha.  And there's some good characterization going on as well.  I'll have to check out more!

What?  You found it hard to write Celestia?  Cause you made it seem pretty natural here.

But again...dang.  You've taken My Little Pony out of the kiddy zone without making it seem forced.  And I'm really liking Petronel's character.  He's a real stallion (I'd say "man," but...you know) if there ever was one.  He goes about his business with honor.  Great OC.

...And you handled Luna even more beautifully.  No lie, if the MLP writers ever decided to crank up the intensity of their show (which, of course, they won't), these past 4 pages would be a good place for them to look.  All the characters, OC and non-OC alike, have been really well-depicted so far.  Keep it up, and I'll check out the next chapter soon!

Now things are getting a bit dark, and the magic you introduced certainly sounds interesting.  I still think there's more to Petronel.  Anyways, great chapter as always!  Funny seeing Fancypants being introduced into this...

This chapter was excellent. I just... UGH. So good!

Also, Herger is best griffin. Hands down.

Dang...  The patriotism.  It's strong here.  I also like how you managed to humanize the Griffin OCs.  It was corny, but corny in a good way.

And wtf?  Nightmare Moon?  Either I missed something, there's something more that hasn't been revealed, or the Griffin leaders are trippin' balls.  They know nothing or are just making things up.

Anyway, keep up the good work!

I'm Sorry >>21174992117499, but you are incorrect. Kaleb is best griffin. Wings down.

I had originally thought it best to leave the comments section for reader interaction, but a friend recently and correctly pointed out to me that it’s just as much a place for reader-author interaction. Shame on me for not figuring that out sooner. So...

HERE IT COMES!

>>16565381656538

I wish I could make some kind of claim regarding the magic-as-science character discussion in that chapter, but I really can’t. In fact the only part I haven’t seen done with ponies yet is the use of formulaic expressions to describe spells, but that’s common enough in other popular fictional works there is no way is hasn’t shown up here on FimFic somewhere. I just haven’t seen it yet.

I guess what I’m really saying is: Steal away!

>>20569042056904>>16631321663132

It makes me so glad to see comments like these, because Celestia’s section was the first time in a ViM preread that my Beta reader told me I was horribly wrong. What resulted was me wading through episodes and transcripts, taking notes on her character and eventually constructing a character outline for her much like I have for my major OC’s. Even then I had to struggle to get her down with anything like the same feel as the show.

Celestia is a unique construct in western TV media; she’s a merger that includes a truly benevolent royal, a keeper of dangerous secrets, a loving mentor, and an immortal who has had to choose between personal horrors. The result is that she has a fatherly love for her subjects with a necessarily almost flawless talent for judging the character of those around her. She strives to enable them and help them grow, but won’t shy from throwing them in the deep end with just the faintest description of how to swim.

>>19923631992363

Thanks! One of the fastest ways to lose me as a reader or viewer is when the writer/actor/director introduces something meant to be scary or dangerous and yet completely fails to convey the peril of the situation. It plays into a big part of what got me to watch FiM: For all the corny gags done in the episode “Elements of Harmony,” the episode very strongly conveys real fear of Nightmare Moon. Driving home the legitimate peril of the invasion has been one of the preeminent things on my mind in every chapter I’ve written so far, and thanks to feedback like this I’m reassured that so far I seem to be doing it right.

As for the patrol, I hope you’ve liked what I’ve done with Canard so far.

>>20294562029456

Really?

Image: http://cdn.derpiboo.ru/media/BAhbBlsHOgZmSSJMMjAxMy8wMS8wOC8yMl81Ml80OV80ODVfMjA2ODEwX19VTk9QVF9fc2FmZV9mbHV0dGVyc2h5X2FuaW1hdGVkLmdpZi5naWYGOgZFVA/206810__safe_fluttershy_animated_reaction-image_mmmystery-on-the-friendship-express_yes_mmmmystery-on-the-friendship-express_want_flapping.gif.gif

>>21199552119955

One of the things I love about FiM is that the characters don’t draw on the same set of perfect constants when making their worldviews. As a result, things that might seem like inconsistencies actually are points of characterization for the speaker.

For example, when Twilight got on her soap box in Feeling Pinkie Keen, she stated that magic was something you willed to happen on purpose. During the flashbacks during Cutie Mark Chronicles we see several examples of magic where this isn’t the case. Yes, Twilight is wrong (or at least only mostly right) in her assessment of magic at the time, but her faith in something like the scientific method leads her to disregard the unverifiable data, resulting in this opinion.

Something similar is going on with Cyrus.

>>21174992117499>>21253972125397

Valid opinions, both of you. I have to say, though, in spite of my rigid outlining it was another griffin that sprung the first major surprise on me so far. I had intended to end chapter 6 on Cyrus’s last line, but when I was almost finished polishing some parts in the middle of the chapter I realized I still had a handful of details and thematic hints I still needed to fit in. Ragnar somehow popped into my head with the griffin equivalent of “challenge accepted,” and in about ten minutes I went from near panic to writing the last exchange of chapter 6. It was just one of those moments of near-seamless transition from concept to written scene that gives authors such a natural high. So when I say "Ragnar is best Griffin," you can hopefully understand and forgive my bias.

_______

WHEW, all caught up. Hopefully I won’t let these get so ahead of me before I do this again.

This chapter, I like it.

Another!

Seriously though; this is a superb piece of prose.  Cheers, NSS.

Breakdown in communication, anyone?

I love this story so much, but it's stressin' me out, man. It's like Breaking Bad all over again

This is still so stressful, man. I'm dying.

Keep it up.

Wow, this is good.

Just enough suspense to keep me interested, minimal gore even though it's a war story, and great OCs to boot.

You have my attention, upvote, and favorite.

Keep up the good work.