For years the six mares known as Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rarity protected Equestria from evil. One day however, they mysteriously began to disappear along with the two Princesses and the Elements of harmony. They also took with them the ability for Equestria to be happy.
Midnight Sparkle, granddaughter of Twilight Sparkle is determined to find out what happened all those years ago when the ponies and elements disappeared. But along the way, she finds more than she bargained for when she uncovers a secret about the elements... A secret that brought upon the disappearance of the ponies.
Chapters (1)
It seems our fics have similar themes! Cool start. I'm tracking. Maybe help me out as well?
1474417 Sure, I can help when I'm not working. Just let me know what you need anytime!
While slightly confusing, this story uses flashbacks well and keeps the reader in suspense. The ending with Twilight meeting Midnight seems a bit short, but other then that good job.
Err, what the heck? That's just too weird.
2086458 Yes, it was, I think, my first third person story. The story had promise, but I feel I executed it far too poorly.
Wow, for a first time third person story, a one-shot, no less, it was executed fairly well. The ending seemed a bit rushed after Midnight, erm, dies, but it wasn't confusing. Good job!!!
Now excuse me as I go and cry in a corner with my Twilight plushie.
So I'm spending the morning looking around for underappreciated stories, and I saw that this one had a good like count and a name I recognized attached to it. So here I am to review!
Sometimes I start with the positive on these things, sometimes with the negative. It's not quite random – I usually decide based on the final note I want to strike. So here I'll start with the negative, because I'd rather end on the positive.
Really, there are only two criticisms I have here. The first (which is relatively minor) is about the visual description of Midnight early in the story. Visual descriptions like this tend to be, in my experience, a hallmark of fanfiction that is very rarely seen in regular fiction. It's a bit of an info-dump, and it takes the reader out of the story. Better to toss little details like coloring into the story as you go along – if you're going to describe Midnight tearing up, say, that would be a good time to mention her eye color. But generally speaking, I just don't think character descriptions are very important. Giving a couple visual cues to latch onto is fine, but more than that is unnecessary. I actually think, given that you describe Midnight as looking like Twilight, you'd be able to go completely description-free on her. We know she's related to Twilight, so the reader is almost certainly going to assume a degree of visual similarity. Probably "Twilight with a darker coat". That's fine for running with.
The second (and more problematic) issue is that this needs some editing, primarily for word choice. You have a lot of words that keep getting used in close proximity (e.g. the many variants of 'disappear' that show up early on). There are also a couple mis-used words, but repetition is by far the larger problem. There's not a whole lot to say on this subject beyond that. It's just something to be aware of, and a good reason to either do some more editing passes than you were doing at this stage of your writing, or to look for a pre-reader to help you out.
On to happier subjects. I know you said in the comments that you felt this story was poorly executed. I'd tend to disagree. It has some issues with word choice, as mentioned above, but it's a solid idea and it's strung together well. Could it be better? Yes. But I like the length you wrote it at (short enough that I was willing to come give it a try), and I like your choices for scenes. The bit with Zecora's hut, particularly, was nice. As was the ending, I thought. I'm not one for dragging things on. You'd set up the problem, come to a solution, and there wasn't much more to do but give us a satisfying ending, which I feel you did.
There are some issues of repetition in the scenes, too. Once we start seeing flashbacks of the events in Ep. 2, we know what'll be coming for a while. And... how to put this... bits of the early connective tissue could have been stronger. But the points you were intent on hitting – the disappearances from photographs, the hints of voices, Midnight's worries – those were well done. The idea of the disappearances was interesting, and I was content with the explanation given at the story's climax. It was a bit disconcerting trying to imagine a future, joyless Ponyville, but I'll give allowances to the story's central conceit.
All in all, I definitely liked this. It's getting a thumbs-up from me, and I think it shows substantial promise in your writing. I'll keep a look out for your name on other stories in the future.
2217347 Thank you very much for the review! I won't lie and say I tried on this, because I really didn't.
Just had the idea and threw it out there, since it was one of my first stories before I got more experienced. Anyways, thanks again!
This is a very strange premise you've got here. I think the idea of "things have gone badly wrong since the last bearers of the Elements of Harmony disappeared, and now one of their descendants must find the source of the problem and fix it," but I think your explanation of the root of the problem is a bit lacking. I'm very unclear on why there would be such an effect (no such thing as curses, remember) as the one you describe attached to the Elements of Harmony, or why it would take so long to activate after their powers were used (especially after they were used no fewer than four times in three years!). Everything we've seen of the Elements in canon suggests they're purely a force for good, that they're a literal magic bullet that can't be used for harm except by virtuous ponies against evil forces. And I can't tell from what little explanation this story provides whether you're trying to call that into question from the start, or suggesting that this second, incredibly devastating effect was added to them by something other than their original creator, let alone who would do such a thing and what their motives might be.
Added to Twlight's Library.