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So I just hit 500 subscribers the other day. I've gotta say, the idea that 500 people said to themselves, "Hey, I think this guy has some neat writing. I think I'll follow him." is just awesome. So, to all of you, I want to say you all are the most awesome people on this planet, and I love every single one of you.
Seriously. I love all of you. Crack open the wine.
And as a thank you to all of you, I've got a little something for ya. You see, a year or so ago wasn't the first time I wrote fanfiction. And for those who've checked out my fanfiction.net page, I'm not talking about that BioShock story either. I'd like to take you back to a time when I was but a wee RatherHomely, eight years old and full of hopes and dreams. It was at this time, in the height of my love for a game called Paper Mario, I wrote a story about it. This was before I even knew what fanfiction was.
And I still have it.
So, for your viewing pleasure, I've uploaded the story onto the internet to let people witness my writing at it's finest. With great pleasure and pride, I present you with; The Mystery of the Ruins of Alpho.
God help us all.
As an additional note, for my MPPT3K people, I've added a little closure for MPPT3K in Fallen Prime's Fifteenth Riff Massacre. While I'd strongly suggest reading the full thing, the bit of closure is at the very end if you want to skip to it. I wasn't planning to do anything further originally with MPPT3K, so this is a nice little send off to the series.
91w, 6dMST Links Ahoy!20 comments · 496 views
Greetings, person. Do you like to read funny things?
That's why I, with my fellow riffing companions, have worked (Okay, so Fallen Prime and RJ Bachelor did most of the work) towards creating a central hub for all your MLP MST needs. You can find links to all my riffs (which will eventually be made into GoogleDocs sometime in the next 5 years so you won't need to spend 5 seconds entering a password), Fan/fic/ Theatre 3000's main page, RJ Bachler's riffs, and... Hmm, what am I forgetting...
Oh yeah, most of the guest submissions I had to take down. I guess that's sorta neat.
If YOU want to have your riff shared with the rest of the world, send me a link and I'll link your riff to the page. Or you can bug Fallen Prime and RJ Bachler about it. I'm sure they won't mind.
93w, 16hTime to Put Riffing to Rest84 comments · 1,777 views
Salutations, fair readers, RatherHomely here. Unfortunately, I received a message from the mod team concerning MPPT3K;
It has been brought to the attention of the administration/moderation team that you have continued to publish your anthology "Mystery Pinkie Pie Theatre 3000" due to it being "grandfathered" in.
While that is okay (in part, and I will come back to it in a moment) by necessity and cordiality, you should ask the authors of the stories you are 'riffing' for their approval prior to actually doing so and posting it. As such, we ask that you willingly revoke the story until you have gathered proof of permission by the authors involved to use their work in this way.
Given the nature of authors here, it is unlikely that getting their go-ahead will pose an actual problem, but it is required and has been pretty much so for a while now. (This is basically the same rule as posting a story that is not your own under your name).
Now, the "Guest" mstings have to go. The "grandfathered" rule applies only to your own work, and only that. Those guest mstings are not your work, and as amusing as they might be to the readers, it's still trying to circumvent the limitations of the rules, and also happens to be blatant abuse of your rights as owning that "grandfathered" story/anthology.
Futhermore, the moderation team has come to the consensus that you will unfortunately need to desist your series. As it stands, the rules will be enforced on your story because it does not represent the continuation of a work that would normally be protected under a grandfathering rule. The MST3K-style is episodic in nature and can be reproduced infinitely since it can be contained to your post under previous enforcement, whereas policy dictates that no new MST3K should be made.
While I understand this might be a pain to do, I ask you to comply for the benefit of all involved.
I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm pretty cool with this.
Believe it or not, I was already thinking of discontinuing the series after Riffuary. Running MPPT3K was fun, but very time consuming. And as much as I enjoy a good riff, I enjoy a good story more, and MPPT3K was keeping me from doing any other writing. So this isn't so much a "HOLY SHIT THIS SUCKS" message so much as a "This is a sign it's time I moved onto a different project". Loved you, MPPT3K, but it's about time I put you down.
So, I'm going to cooperate with the mods to the fullest. I'm revoking MPPT3K (it's still visible on the site and my profile, so you can still read it whenever you want) and I'm deleting the guest submissions (An additional note; If none of you can post MST's on this site, then I shouldn't have any right to either.).
So that's that. Thanks for reading!
Oh, and if any of you start bitching at the mods about this, I will personally come over to your house and slap you on the head. The mod team does a great job, and I agree with them that MPPT3K was stretching the rules more than it should have.
Edit: Also, as an additional note, you can check out the unpublished stories/riffs that were going to be published for the remainder of Riffuary, but obviously can't be now. The password to access the unpublished chapters is "password". Link is here.
74 comments · 413 views
Ah, 2013. A glorious start to a new year, so full of potential, possibilities, a different word for potential, and fiscal cliffs.
Is gonna be good.
And what also may or may not be good (depending on your opinion) is that I'm returning from my hiatus to start off the new year strong. As I recall, MPPT3K is roughly a year old. To celebrate its anniversary, clean out my riffing requests, and to make up for lost time, I'm doing something special. Today marks the start of Riffuary (isn't that name delightfully awful?), a month long goal/event where each day a new riff is posted, making for a grand total of 31 riffs (unless I'm lazy... then it'll be, like, 29)!
Also, I am now excepting riff requests and guest submissions again! You all now have permission to pester me (not really)!
Guest submissions should be written on a Google drive doc , publicly accessible, and the link be sent to me. If you have a better way to send it to me, contact me via PM.
Riffing requests should be sent to me via PM. I'm not going to accept requests that originate from the comments on the blog or comments on the story as, from past experience, that proved difficult to keep organized. Requests may be of any genre or quality (I believe anything can be riffed), but I will not accept requests for stories lasting more than 15,000 words long. If the story has multiple chapters, you may request specific chapters in order to meet this requirement. You may also request specific ponies to riff the story, but this is entirely optional.
For those who sent me a request during my hiatus, if you could resend the request I'd be really grateful.
With that, let the month long riffing commence!
... Oh, and those other stories. I should probably work on those.
And for those concerned about my sanity in the midst of all this riffing, I did a good chunk of the work in December, so I'm not going write myself to death. Not yet anyway. :)
Edit: Also, on an off note, love the changes Knighty's made to the site since I left. Rearranging chapters? SO USEFUL FOR MPPT3K.
100w, 19hHiatus50 comments · 254 views
I'm going on a hiatus for an unknown period of time.
Unfortunately, I just learned that my mother (who's been fighting cancer for the past four months) has about four to six weeks left before she passes on. Personally, I'd rather not waste time writing and instead spend these last few weeks with her.
Thank you for understanding.
Edit: Thank you all so much for your kind words. This is a very emotional time for me and the rest of my family, and it's great to know I have such awesome readers who've got my back.
Double Edit: I suppose I should offer an update on what's going on. Unfortunately, my mother just recently passed away. Yes, I knew it was coming. No, it doesn't make it any easier. Yes, I would like some time away from FiM. Yes that means I'm continuing my hiatus. I just really need some time off, and I think anyone who's lost someone close knows what I mean. My apologies to everyone who's waiting for the next MPPT3K with baited breath (all five of you). I probably won't be posting anything until December, maybe November if I'm an emotionless robot. Once again, thank you all for understanding.
Triple Edit: Make that January. Between this, Hurricane Sandy, and college finals, I've just been swamped as of late.
“Twilight? Twilight, are you in there?” Twilight looked up from her book on Equestrian topography, only to find she couldn’t quite see who was at the door. This was due to her sitting in the middle of several massive stacks of books, which created a mini-fortress, and she was the sole resident. Spike peeked around one of the stacks. “There you are! You’ve got to come outside! There’s a new pony moving in!”
“Really? I didn’t think there was a new pony moving in for months. What’s she like?” Twilight inserted a bookmark into the text, marking her spot at the beginning of a chapter called “Grassy Knolls and You”, and began moving books back to their appropriate shelves with her magic.
“She’s, well…” Spike seemed at a loss for words. And was that a dreamy expression that just came across his face? “She’s unlike any pony you’ve ever met! You’ve just GOT to meet her!” The two began their walk towards the town square, where this new pony was supposed to be. That information, however, was hidden amongst Spike’s gushing of praise for this newcomer, and Twilight was able to barely get in a word in during their walk. “And she’s so cool, I saw here balancing some-”
“Okay Spike! I get it! She sounds like a very… interesting pony, to say the least.” The town square was bustling with citizens from throughout Ponyville, and a good chunk of them were gathered around something that Twilight couldn’t quite see. “You’d think they were all watching Nightmare Moon tap dance. So where is this pony?”
“There!” cried out Spike as the crowd parted, allowing the two to see into the circle.
Twilight gasped. “Princess Celestia! What are you doing here?!” But though Celestia was the first thing that caught her eye, her gaze was almost immediately drawn to the second figure beside the god. The two walked towards Spike and Twilight, and the purple pony could only stare in amazement at this strange pony. She was quite feminine in appearance, with a walk that displayed beauty and grace that was unmatched by anypony that Twilight had ever seen, including Princess Celestia.
But that was just the mannerism which the pony carried herself with. Her physical appearance just as astounding, for upon her back perched wings, and atop her head was a horn! “You’re… an alicorn!” Twilight muttered in awe as the two alicorns finally reached them.
“Twilight Sparkle! Just the pony I wanted to see!” said Princess Celestia. “I’d like to introduce my new pupil to you.”
Twilight’s awe suddenly dissipated at this news. “Wait, new pupil?”
“Hello, Twilight.” said the alicorn. Her voice was melodic, and just the sound of it was like sweet honey to the ears. The voice was soft, yet confident. Dainty, yet strong. “I’m so happy to meet you! My name is Raven Tw’light-Moon. I’m new in town! I’m so nervous, but I hope everyone likes me!”
“Raven…” Spike let out a sigh, a dopey smile on his face. “What a beautiful name!”
Celestia was beaming with pride. “Raven has showed great potential in magic! Her powers are extraordinary, possibly even surpassing yours, Twilight!”
“And that’s why I’m glad I found you! You’re the perfect pony to give Raven Tw’light-Moon here a tour of town! I’d take care of it myself, but now that Raven is no longer helping me over in Canterlot, I can barely handle my royal duties!”
Raven gave a wonderfully sweet smile to the Princess. “I’m sorry that I’m moving out, Princess. But I’m not cut out for the life of a royal. It PAINS my heart to do any of the lying that’s part of Equestria’s politics!”
Princess Celestia returned the smile. “Oh, if only I had a heart as pure and innocent as yours, Raven Tw’light-Moon. Alas, even the gods aren’t perfect.” The royal alicorn climbed into her coach. “I’m afraid I must be off. So much to do, and little time to do it! Thanks again Twilight!” And Twilight watched as the carriage took to the skies. She was still very much confused as to what just happened. The Princess had a new student?
“So where should we start?” asked a voice that would shame angelic choirs.
Twilight took a look at Spike. He seemed to be in his own little dream world as he looked at Raven. “Spike?” No response. She nudged Spike with a hoof. “Spike, maybe you should wait for me to finish giving Raven the tour. I’ll meet you back at the library later.”
Spike managed to mumble some form of an affirmation, and backpedaled out of the town square, never once taking his eyes off Raven. Twilight shifted her attention to the alicorn, and for the first time really examined her. She had a dark coat, one of a very deep blue. Her mane was, amazingly enough, multi-colored, with strands that were black, dark purple, and bright pink. Her tail also shared these colors, and, like her mane, was perfectly brushed. Not a single hair was out of place.
Twilight raised an eyebrow at the sight. “Wow, Raven… you certainly have a colorful mane there.”
Raven smiled, and Twilight could feel her heart skip a beat as beautiful white teeth, perfectly aligned, greeted her. “Thank you for noticing. The doctor said he’d never witnessed a baby being born with a mane like mine. He said that it was a miracle, and decided not to charge any money for the hospital stay. Especially after,” The beautiful pony looked away, a pained expression on her face, and with a crystalline tear of pure magnificence falling down her face. “My mother died when I was born…”
Twilight gasped. “Oh, that’s horrible! I’m so sorry for your loss!”
“Oh, thank you for your kindness, Twilight. Luckily, I still have my memories of her.”
“But… I thought she died when you were born?”
Raven, again, looked away in pain. “I have the small talent of photographic memory. It’s a curse I have to live with everyday!”
A curse? Twilight wished she had memory like that, considering all the books she read. “I must say, you seem to be quite gifted. I mean, not only do you have the multi-colored mane, but you’re also an alicorn… and you have a different cutie mark on each side?!” This last statement was no exaggeration. Twilight hadn’t noticed it till now, but Raven had a different cutie mark symbol on each flank. The one on the right flank was a complex mix of different shapes. It seemed to be some butterflies, a couple of flowers, and a few trees, all in front of a peace sign. The left flank was just as complex, showing a small figure of a devil, a ferocious dragon, and all that was in front of a set of skull and crossbones.
Raven nodded. “The cutie marks are different because they represent the inner conflict raging inside me.” She looked off, and a cool breeze caused her mane to blow gracefully, rippling softly in the wind like grass across a peaceful plain. “The access to magic has given me great power, and this struggle between good and evil is constantly at work.” She closed her eyes, which seemed filled with emotional pain. “It’s my curse that I have to live with…”
Twilight was at a loss for words. She’d never thought so much… uniqueness could be stuffed into one pony. “Well, I’m sure your father is very proud of having such a special daughter.”
“He would be, but…” Raven’s eyes, which had opened for a second, re-closed. “He’s dead!”
“Oh! I’m so sorry I brought it up! If you don’t want to talk about it, we can start the tour…”
“Twilight, you’re so thoughtful! I’m so glad I have you as one of my best friends!”
“… Wait, what?”
“It was quite tragic… My father…” Twilight waited for Raven to continue as she paused dramatically. “Was killed by muggers! It happened all in front of my eyes! I was just three at the time, so I barely remember it! All I have left of him is my vast inheritance…”
“I thought you had photographic memory?”
Raven raised her hoof gracefully to her forehead. “I’m afraid the horrible trauma of the event has played havoc with my memory!”
Twilight smiled politely. “That’s understandable. So, can we start the tour now?”
Raven looked shocked. “I didn’t realize you’d become so bored with my ramblings! I’m afraid I’m not a very entertaining pony. I’m hardly popular!”
Twilight rolled her eyes. “Of course not. Let’s just get started…”
“Our first stop is Carousel Boutique, which belongs to a good friend of mine, Rarity.” Twilight brought Raven through the front door, with Raven wide-eyed with pristine innocence and beauty. Rarity was at work even as they walked in; stitching together a gown for some fashion line she was designing.
“Twilight! Please make yourself at home!” Rarity called out, not taking her eyes off her work. “I’ll be done in a moment!”
“Rarity is the best dressmaker in Ponyville.” Twilight explained to Raven. “I’d even say the best in Equestria.”
“There! Just another gem or two and the dress will be…” Rarity stopped, as she’d just turned around and, for the first time seen Raven. “Can it be?! Doth mine eyes play tricks on me?” Rarity dashed over to Raven, scooping up a couple of tape measures with her magic in the process. Almost feverishly she began to take all sorts of measurements of the alicorn, finding her length, height, and hoof diameter, amongst other things. “Darling, you’re absolutely wonderful! So beautiful, so graceful! Why, I’d say you’re an even better pony to model my products than Fluttershy!”
“Why, thank you Rarity.” Raven blushed. “Actually, I’ve modeled before. I’ve actually made my own line of clothing. It’s called Blood Nova-Darkness, have you heard of it?”
Rarity let out a gasp of shock. “Blood Nova-Darkness?! YOU made Blood Nova-Darkness?! So you’re… you’re…” Rarity kneeled in front of a very embarrassed Raven. “Miss Raven Tw’light-Moon! I’m hardly worthy to be in the presence of one as great as you!”
“Wait a second…” Twilight tilted her head in confusion. “Raven’s a famous clothes designer? Why have I never heard of her?”
Rarity rolled her eyes at Twilight. “Obviously, SOMEONE doesn’t follow the latest in fashion trends. Not only does Ms. Raven design, she also models her own outfits, along with having contracts with practically EVERY designer line in Equestria! I believe the only magazine she hasn’t modeled for is Playpony!”
Raven looked off into the distance, a pained look in her eye. With all this looking away in pain, Twilight was beginning to suspect that maybe Raven had an eye infection. “Although I have a great passion for the industry, I refuse to sell my body for such silly things as monetary gain! Please, I don’t want to be treated as anything special. Act around me like you would around anypony. I don’t want to be treated any differently.”
Rarity shook her head in disbelief. “Oh Raven, you’re so modest! But could you please do me the honor of sewing one of your masterpieces?”
“Of course!” the dark blue pony gave Rarity a smile that spoke of heaven and its splendor. Moving to a nearby table, Raven grabbed some material that was right next to her in a basket.
“Um, Rarity?” Twilight asked. “Isn’t that your most prized fabric she’s using?”
Rarity nodded. “Yes. Normally I wouldn’t allow anypony to touch it, but Raven isn’t anypony, now is she?”
“Well, I guess not.” Twilight replied. She watched as Raven’s hooves and magic worked together like clockwork, sewing with perfect precision that seemed impossible for anypony to achieve. But she did.
“Done!” Raven pronounced. “Thirty-five seconds to complete a full dress! I was a bit slow today, but I do hope you’re happy with it, Rarity!”
Twilight’s jaw dropped. “Thirty-five seconds?!” And as Raven held the dress up, the two other ponies could only look on in awe at the perfection incarnate that was Raven’s dress.
“I feel inspiration arising within me!” exclaimed Rarity. “I shall make an entire line of clothing based off, not just this marvelous dress, but off of your style and elegance, Raven!”
The alicorn looked shock. “I’m so glad you like it! It’s hardly one of my best, and I don’t really like the attention, but I’d be honored to be the focus of your new clothing line!”
“Um… Raven?” the two magic ponies turned to Twilight. “I really think we should continue the tour. Could you just wait outside for a second? I need a word with Rarity.” There was a short beat. “In private.”
Raven gave her a smile, which, as the light hit her teeth, gleamed with the brilliance of the sun. “Of course! I’ll be right outside!”
Twilight watched her as she trotted out the front door. Turning to Rarity, she said, “This Raven is certainly… uh… something, isn’t she?”
“Just something?!” Rarity scoffed. “That is hardly a fitting description for her! She’s my idol! She’s the pony I want to be!”
This enthusiasm surprised Twilight. She’d never seen her friend so worked up over something. “You’ve never mentioned her before. Come to think of it, for being so famous and… unique, I’m surprised I’ve never heard of her before.”
Rarity seemed genuinely confused at this. “Of course I’ve always admired her. Ever since… Well, I first became interested in her work when…” She paused to think. “Come to think of it, I don’t recall when I first noticed work. When I saw Raven, I just knew who she was. And how she has my dying devotion!”
“Okay…” Twilight had an odd feeling about this alicorn. It was probably nothing though. Surely as she got to know Raven better, the feeling would pass. Right?
“What’s this little place over here?” Twilight had been taking Raven to the Sweet Apple Acres, but as they were walking along Ponyville’s outskirts, the alicorn had spotted a small cottage that was on the edge of the Everfree Forest.
“Oh, that? That belongs to Fluttershy. Come on, I’ll introduce you.” They began walking to the cottage. “Fluttershy is the go-to pony for all animal problems. She’s a caretaker, you see.”
“I love animals!” said Raven Tw’light-Moon.
“And I bet you’re a professional animal caretaker in your spare time, too.” muttered Twilight.
“What was that?”
“Oh, uh, look! I think I see Fluttershy in her backyard!” Before Raven could say another word, Twilight began heading to the back.
Fluttershy was busy feeding the various critters she kept as the two ponies rounded the corner of her cottage. “Here’s some seed for you, Mr. Blue jay. And I’d never forget my precious-wittle peregrine falcon, now would I?”
Fluttershy looked up to see the two ponies approaching, and a smile lit up her face. “Hi Twilight! Who’s your friend?”
Twilight was slightly unnerved at how Fluttershy seemed so calm around a pony she’d never met. When she’d first talked to Fluttershy, the conversation mostly consisted of her talking, and the pegasus making squeaking noises. “Well aren’t you the social butterfly today? This here’s Raven. She’s new in town. I thought I’d introduce the two of you since we were passing through.”
As Twilight spoke, all the animals moved excitedly over to Raven. Cats were rubbing up against her legs, butterflies were resting on her back, and even Angel seemed to be in a good mood around her. Raven laughed, which sounded like gentle springs running through a mountain brook, as all the animals started playing with her. Twilight’s one eyebrow rose as she watched the spectacle.
Fluttershy was equally amazed. “How are you doing that?” she asked in awe.
Raven, still laughing with her perfect laugh, managed to say, “Ever since I was a filly I’ve just gotten along with animals. In my darkest moments, animals were my only friends. I suppose I just have a natural affinity with them.”
“That’s amazing!” exclaimed Fluttershy, albeit softly. All of a sudden a hiss echoed through the air, and the trio looked over at a nearby tree. There was a raccoon at its base, clearly injured. “Oh my!” cried Fluttershy. “Ricardo’s gone and fallen out of that tree! You two wait here, he can get a little… testy.” Fluttershy ran over to the hurt raccoon, which was still letting off a hissing noise. “Hey, little guy. What’s wrong? Here, let me…” But as Fluttershy approached, the Raccoon swiped at her with its claws, hissing all the louder. The yellow pony let off a little squeak and backed away. Turning to Twilight and Raven, she said, “Ricardo doesn’t really like ponies. From the looks of it, he has a broken leg, but I’ll never get near him!”
“Let me try. I don’t think you’re doing it right.” Raven walked slowly over to Ricardo. As she approached, the raccoon’s hissings gradually died down. “Easy there… I’m not going to hurt you.” The raccoon practically leapt onto Raven’s back, with the broken leg being the only thing stopping it. Using her magic, the alicorn gently picked up the hurt animal. Fluttershy and Twilight both watched, jaws on the ground, as Raven proceeded to bandage Ricardo with absolutely no fuss coming from the animal. When she was done, Raven flashed the two a smile that should belong only in the mouth of a god.
“Wow.” Twilight said. “That was… Um…”
“Amazing!” Fluttershy joyfully leapt into the air, and soared over to Raven. “How did you do that!? You must be even better with animals than I am!” Twilight felt her eye give a slight twitch. “You simply must tell me how you did that!”
Raven blushed. “I’m glad you think so, Fluttershy. Really, it’s important to be confident! Show no fear! If you just stand up for yourself, you can do anything!”
Fluttershy’s eyes widened as she suddenly grasped the brilliant meaning of Raven’s speech. Confidence? How had she never realized that before? Thanks to Raven’s tactfully relayed words, Fluttershy had reached enlightenment.
“Um, Raven?” Twilight chipped in. “I don’t think life is quite as simple as just being confident.”
“Shut the hell up, Twilight!” roared Fluttershy. “You talk to Raven that way and I’ll slap you, bitch!” The unicorn had to pinch herself (a difficult task with hooves) to make sure she wasn’t dreaming. “You’re just jealous of Raven because she’s right and you’re wrong!”
“Fluttershy, what’s gotten over you?!”
“I’ve become confident, just like Raven said I should! She’s super smart, you know!”
Twilight was about come up with a retort, but her gut told her that no amount of logic could possibly remedy the situation. “C’mon, Raven, we still have more places to visit. Um… See you later Fluttershy…”
“Whatever, asshole!” Fluttershy shouted. The other animals eyed her warily, unsure about what to make of this new development. Fluttershy gave a murderous glance at all of them. “What the hell are you all looking at, idiots?”
“Raven, are you sure that confidence is the best way to handle animals?” The two ponies were on their way through the town square, en route to Sweet Apple Acres.
“Of course!” Raven said with a smile that could banish demons back to hell with its glory. “A little confidence can go a long way! That’s what my mom always said!”
“… I thought your mom died during childbirth?”
“Oh, uh, she said that before she died, is what I meant!”
Twilight was feeling more and more uneasy as the day went on. Raven Tw’light-Moon seemed practically unreal. She was an alicorn, unusually colored, had weird cutie marks, and on top of all that could accomplish any task with incredible grace and beauty. And everypony she talked to seemed a bit… off, afterwards. Like Fluttershy. But perhaps one of the weirdest things of all was that Raven was incredibly… polite. She never screamed, or fussed, or complained. If everything was cut away to leave just her personality, there’d be practically nothing left. She was just… boring!
“Twilight!” Pinkie Pie bounced over to the two ponies, a smile decorating her face. Of course, when was a smile not on the pink pony’s face? “I’m so happy to see you! Why? Because I’m always happy to see you! Let’s…” Pinkie Pie stopped, now paying attention to Raven. Her smile disappeared. “Do I know you from some where?”
Raven gave Pinkie Pie a smile that rivaled the sun in its splendor. “I’m not sure. I am a famous rock star, though. Perhaps you’ve heard some of my famous jams? I do vocals and I’m an expert with the guitar.”
Pinkie Pie gave her chin a puzzling scratch. “No, that’s not it. It’s not that I’ve seen you before, it’s just…”
Suddenly, Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle ran up to Raven. “Scuse me, Miss!” Apple Bloom asked with barely contained excitement. “Are you Raven Tw’light-Moon?”
“Yes.” responded the alicorn.
Sweetie Bell let out a squeal of excitement. Scootaloo shouted, “Well, we’re the Cutie Mark Crusaders! And we’ve heard so much about you! And we’ve decided to start the…”
“Tw’light-Moon fan club!” all three shouted at once.
“You’ve got to be kidding me…” muttered Twilight.
“Please please please PLEASE come to our first meeting!” screeched Sweetie Belle. “The mayor’s letting us hold the meeting inside the pavilion here in the town square! You’d be guest of honor!”
Raven looked off into the distance, and this time Twilight couldn’t help but follow Raven’s gaze to figure out why she kept looking off like that. “Well, I’m glad I have such an honor. I don’t really like attention, but I’ll come all the same! Um… are you okay?” That last sentence was directed towards Pinkie Pie, who was giving her a ferocious gaze that could burn a hole through solid concrete.
“At first I wasn’t sure…” growled Pinkie Pie. “But now I know... I know what you are."
Raven flashed a nervous smile, noticeably not as perfect as the previous iterations. “I… I don’t know what you’re talking about. Hey, did you know I have a part time job as a party planner? I’ve done parties all over Equestria…” She tried reaching out with her hoof to give Pinkie Pie a friendly pat on the back, but the pink pony leapt back, hissing.
“I'll get you! Mark my words...” And Pinkie ran off in the direction of Sugar Cube Corner.
Twilight was more confused now than she had been the past couple of hours combined. For the first time, Raven held an expression of nervousness, but it quickly subsided. She turned back to the Crusaders. “What time is the gathering?”
“You’ll be there?!” cried Apple Bloom. “Oh boy! It’s at seven tonight! I know you’ll be right on time, cause you ain’t late for nothing, Miss Raven! C’mon girls, we’ve gotta start preparing things!” The trio ran off, leaving Twilight and Raven alone.
“Sorry about Pinkie Pie.” Twilight said. “She can get a little excited around new ponies. I bet she’s just planning a surprise welcoming party for you. And after that, a post-surprise party!” Twilight laughed, and Raven joined in with a rather hollow, yet perfect, laugh of her own.”
“I suppose you’re right. Let’s just continue the tour.”
Sweet Apple Acres was in full bloom, with apples ripe for the picking. Each branch was a treasure trove of these red treats, and it wouldn’t be long before the Apple family would begin plundering the trees for their treasure. From the looks of it, that day was today. Twilight and Raven were arriving as Applejack was busy apple bucking trees. Twilight hoped AJ wasn’t overworking herself again, but to her relief she saw that both Big Macintosh and Rainbow Dash were there giving her a helping hoof.
“Hey Applejack!” called out Twilight. “How goes the harvest?”
Applejack finished her kick before yelling out, “Alright you two, take a breather! We got some company!”
“Ugh…” groaned Rainbow Dash. “If I’d known that apple bucking would be so much work, I’d have called in sick!”
“Well, I appreciate all the help you’re givin’ us, Rainbow. As for you two…” Applejack turned to the new arrivals. “What brings you out here to the farm?” Eyeing up Raven, she asked, “And who’s this?”
“This is Raven.” Twilight replied. “She’s new in town. I’m just giving her the grand tour.”
“It’s very nice to meet you.” Raven said.
Applejack nodded. “Likewise.”
Big Macintosh walked up to Raven, examining her closely, before finally saying, “I gotta say, Miss Raven. Underneath that purty little figure of yours, I see a right fine apple buckin’ pony.”
Twilight rarely heard Big Macintosh say more beyond words of confirmation. She’d have been surprised, but at this point her sense of surprised had been deadened by all the other amazing things about Raven. Raven nodded to Big Macintosh, saying, “Well, my father owned a highly successful Apple farm. As I was growing up, I worked the farm along with the other earth ponies.”
“Really?” asked Applejack with a grin. “C’mon, that dainty figure can buck apples? Let’s see those hooves there in action!”
“Well…” Raven pawed at the ground. “I normally don’t like to show off, but here it goes…” Without moving from her spot, Raven stomped down firmly, yet gracefully, on the ground in front of her with tremendous force that had been previously concealed underneath her feminine figure. The other ponies watched in astonishment as all the trees in a twenty foot radius began dropping their apples.
There was a moment of silence, before Rainbow Dash shouted out, “That. Was. AWESOME!” She flew over to Raven. “Hey, how’s your flying, kid?”
Raven looked off. “Well, I suppose I’m a really good flyer. I’ve won a few championships.”
Rainbow gave her a daring grin. “Well then, Miss Champion Winner. How about a race then?”
Raven thought this over for a second. “I don’t know. I hurt my wing recently, so I may not be as fast as I usually am. I don’t want to cheat you out of a good race.”
Rainbow gave her a playful punch on the shoulder. “C’mon, it’ll be fine. If you can’t keep up with the fastest flyer in Equestria, I’ll understand.”
Raven gave the pegasus a smile which spoke of love and happiness, before saying, “Alright! You’re on! How about once around Ponyville?”
Rainbow Dash, who seemed to be entranced by Raven’s smile, shook her head as though to clear a daze from her mind. “Sounds awesome! Twilight?”
“Oh, right, um… Three…” Both ponies readied for take off. “Two…” Wound up like springs, the tense energy building up could be felt by everypony watching. “One… GO!”
Both ponies took off like a rocket, with Raven slightly in the lead. Rainbow Dash quickly matched her pace, and for a few moments, both were neck and neck. But slowly, and surely, Raven slowly began taking the lead. Rainbow Dash fell more and more behind. Putting in a last bit of speed, Rainbow Dash almost caught up to Raven, but then, quite unexpectedly, Raven launched into a sonic rainboom. But this was no ordinary sonic rainboom, this was one that was colored dark blue, black, crimson red, and bright pink. By the time Rainbow Dash reached the finish line, Raven was already chatting it up with the other ponies.
The pegasus was gasping for breath. “Good… Race…” she managed to say.
Raven gave her a sympathetic smile, one that rivaled “War and Peace” in its complexity. “I’m hope you don’t feel too bad about losing. I can tell you’re going to be a great flyer someday. Maybe you’ll be able to join me and the other Wonderbolts eventually.” Everypony gave her an incredulous stare.
“You’re part of the Wonderbolts?” questioned Twilight. “How do you have time to do all this?”
That question remained ignored as Rainbow Dash went into hysterics. “Ohmygoshohmygoshohmysosh… I RACED a Wonderbolt! This is the. Best. Day. EVER!”
“I should have mentioned that earlier.” Raven grinned, displaying a smile of divine origins. “I never realized you were such a big fan.” Walking up close to Rainbow Dash, she whispered, “Maybe we could fly together again sometime.” Rainbow blushed, her wings straight upright on her back.
“Um… That would be… Awesome.”
Twilight had the great urge suddenly to start pounding her head against a tree, but instead she forced a smile and said, “Alright Raven, this was the last stop on our tour. Let’s get back to the library.”
Raven nodded. “Okay, let’s go!”
“Before you leave,” Applejack added, “I just want to let you know that me and Big Macintosh have been talkin’, and we think, with them apple buckin’ skills of yours, we’re makin’ you an honorary member of the Apple family!”
“What!?” screeched Twilight, eye twitching. Everypony gave her an odd stare, so, forcing another smile, she said, “That’s great, Raven. Considering you lost your parents, I’m sure this will fill a great gap in your life.” Adopted into the Apple family?! They had enough members as it was, but… What was going on?!
“I’d be honored to accept, Applejack.” Raven replied with a smile that had been blessed by the cosmos with perfection.
The two magic-wielders began to leave, when Rainbow Dash whispered to Twilight nervously, “Hey, Twi? Can I have a word with you?” She gulped. “In private?”
The purple pony nodded. “Sure. Raven, you go on ahead. I’ll meet you back at the library.” As the Apple’s began working again, Rainbow and Twilight moved to a more secluded spot. “What’s on your mind, Rainbow?”
The pegasus bit her lip, as though contemplating whether she wanted to share this information. Finally, she said, “I’m feeling very confused, Twilight. It’s like, ever since I saw Raven I’ve had these… feelings. About her.” She paused. “I think I may love Raven, Twilight.”
Twilight’s eye twitched. This couldn’t be happening. “I thought you were into stallions?”
“I thought so too! But when I saw her, and how fast she flew, I got feelings that I’ve never had around a stallion! Raven’s just… special.”
All was silent for a moment. It was Twilight who broke it. “Rainbow Dash, I need to go. Promise me you’ll REALLY think over whether this is what you truly want okay?”
“I’d never wanted anything else as badly in my life. Not even to join the Wonderbolts!”
This last sentence echoed in Twilight’s mind as she ran off. Something was horribly, horribly wrong. And it all had to do with Raven Tw’light-Moon.
What was wrong with everypony? Twilight’s mind was abuzz with all the recent revelations that occurred within the past few hours alone. Rarity practically worshiped Raven, Fluttershy’s personality had done a 360, Applejack adopted her, Rainbow Dash had fallen in love, and Pinkie… Oddly enough, Pinkie was, for once, the one pony Twilight really wanted to see. Did she know something about the alicorn that no other pony did? There was some sort of magic at work, but Twilight wasn’t sure what.
“Gang-way!” shouted a shrill, high-pitched voice. Around the corner came Pinkie, galloping as though her life depended on it.
Perfect timing, thought Twilight. “Pinkie Pie!”
Pinkie stopped when she heard the unicorn’s voice. “Twilight! I want to talk to you about something!”
“Same here. Have you noticed anything… odd, about Raven?”
The party pony gasped. “So YOU’VE noticed it too! I thought you’d fallen victim to her enchantress ways as well!”
Twilight tilted her head in curiosity. “Are you saying she’s placing spells on ponies?”
“Not exactly.” Pinkie Pie looked Twilight right in the eye. “Twilight, I know what I’m about to say something that’s going to seem completely ridiculous, but for once, please believe me!” Twilight nodded. Pinkie Pie wasn’t exactly a pony one normally took seriously, but this time... This time was different. “Okay dokey lokey, then. You better sit back and relax, because I’ve got quite the expositional monologue for you! Okay, so I was walking along the street when I saw you and that other pony, and I was all like, ‘Hi!’ But then I looked at Raven and she looked familiar. Not like I’d seen her before, but the whole alicorn, dark mane, weird cutie marks thing, on top of being a rock star, all reminded me of something I read about in a book I originally borrowed from you to keep one of my tables sturdy! I was a bit suspicious, but then the fact that Raven got her own fan club was all the proof I needed! I ran straight back home to double-check, and from then on I knew for certain! Raven was actually a..." Pinkie paused dramatically. "Mare E. Sue!”
“Okay… What’s a Mare E. Sue?”
“Okay, I was flipping through a couple of recipe books a while back when I decided to take a look at that book I was borrowing from you! I think it was called Tropes for Dummies, or something Like that. Anyway, one entry mentioned this thing called a Mare E. Sue! It's is an eldritch abomination from a loooooooong time ago! It doesn’t have a real personality, so it needs to feed off the personalities and quirks of those around it! It’s really tricky, and can warp reality so that ponies become obsessed with its company, which makes it easier to feed on them! And when the abomination feeds, a pony becomes corrupted, and acts in weird ways. It’s like they’re a different pony altogether!”
Twilight was about to comment on how stupid that sounded, but when she thought it over, it all made sense. Raven’s unique traits, the feeling of perfection, everypony’s fascination with her… If there was one piece of empirical data that could be used to counter that argument, Twilight couldn’t find it. "But wait... Why wasn't I affected?"
Pinkie Pie tilted her head, deep in thought. That was certainly a question to puzzle over. "I can't be sure, but I'd go out on a limb and say you're too cynical to fall for her trickery."
“Is there... You know… Someway to stop her?”
Pinkie Pie nodded. “You can’t confront a Mare E. Sue directly. She’s better than everypony in everyway. Literally! Even your magic won’t be strong enough to stop her!”
Twilight snorted. “Ha! I’d like to see her try!” She was probably back at her house with Spike trying to… Wait a second, with Spike?!
“There is a way! Come with me…”
“Spike’s all alone with her!” cried Twilight. “I’ve got to stop her!”
The unicorn ran off with Pinkie shouting from behind, “You can’t beat her like that, Twilight! Come back!”
Twilight burst through the front door like a bull. Raven and Spike turned their heads at the sudden interruption. Spike seemed to be in a daze, a dreamy look on his face and hearts in his eyes.
Raven was shocked. “Twilight?! What’s the meaning of this!?”
Twilight growled. “Shut up, Raven. Or should I say… Mare E. Sue?”
Raven’s shock slowly shifted to a sickeningly sweet smile, one that was just like injecting sugar straight into your veins. “Spike, be a dear and wait upstairs.”
“Anything for you…” Spike mumbled, and began climbing up to his and Twilight’s room.
Raven waited till Spike was out of earshot, before letting off a laugh. This laugh was different from before, as it was cold and echoed with the sounds of tortured screams. “It was Pinkie Pie who figured it out, wasn’t it?”
Twilight was taken back by this radical shift in behavior, but quickly recovered. “Yeah. She figured out who you really are, and just what you’re up to.”
“Oh really?” Raven’s smile was malicious and cruel, and the gums were red like blood. “And what are you going to do now?” Twilight opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. This seemed to be the one time she hadn’t thought ahead. Raven began circling her. “I’ve already got the whole town enraptured. They all treat me like a god. This is one of the finest feasts I’ve had in decades! So many juicy personalities… much better than the bland ones from a few generations ago. And the best part is…” she whispered in Twilight's ear. “Is when I go to the fan club gathering tonight, I’ll finish all the ponies off in one fell swoop. All of them will be left as twisted remnants of their former selves. Discord’s reign was nothing compared to what I’ll do…”
“Not if I stop you…” muttered Twilight, and she let off a fantastic bolt of lightning from her horn, which struck Raven square in the face. But the alicorn was un-scarred.
Raven gave a laugh which spoke of booming cannons and the screams of dying soldiers. “Didn’t I mention? When I was born, the doctor determined I had the rare ability to resist all forms of magic from other ponies. Yes, that sounds about right. Too bad you aren’t the same.” Raven levitated Twilight into the air, and, with ease, threw her into a bookshelf. The impact caused heavy texts and tomes to rain down onto the unicorn. “Remember Twilight, I’m Celestia’s star pupil. You know, Mare E. Sues, like myself, take a long time to build up power. Why, when I first came into existence, it took decades to obtain a single neighborhood's trust! For years I've fed, far before you were born. This town is but a mere potato chip for me now. And once I'm done with it, I'll finally have enough power to convince that fool Celestia to hand over the reigns of her kingdom. It's been practically a millennium, but finally my plan will come to fruition! You should be impressed; do you know how difficult it is to stay out of Celestia's radar for a thousand years? Ah, if only you weren't such a suspicious pony, you'd be living a nice, peaceful lie like the rest of those idiots. No matter. I've met ponies like you before, and you know what? None of them were able to stop me.”
Twilight managed to stand up, despite her battered body. “If I can’t beat you with magic, then maybe a little brute force will work!” She charged, but Raven moved like lightning to the unicorn’s side, and gracefully tripped her. As Twilight fumbled, falling to the ground, Raven walked daintily over and delivered a kick into Twilight’s side that sent her flying into a wall.
“As much as I love being evil, I have a gathering to attend. I hear it’s in my honor. Honestly, having to suck up to ponies gets awfully droll after a thousand years.” Laughing a laugh that sounded like screeching violins played by the devil’s minions, Raven walked out the front door.
Spike came running down the stairs. Seeing Twilight, he ran over to her and, kneeling beside her, asked, “What happened?! I heard some loud bangs! You didn’t hurt Raven, did you?!”
Twilight, a crumpled mess, looked at Spike in disbelief. “…No. I didn’t hurt her. Quite the opposite, really.”
Spike let out a giggle. “I should have known! My love is way too strong and talented to be hurt by you!”
“I thought you had a crush on Rarity?”
“I did. But then I met…” He sighed a mooshy sigh. “Raven! Anyway, gotta go, can’t miss the meeting of the Tw’light-Moon fan club!”
He ran out, leaving the unicorn alone, lying on the floor. “I’ve failed…” she whispered. “That Mare. E. Sue is going to do who knows what to everyone’s personalities… And I couldn’t do anything to stop her!” She curled up, attempting to hide away from the world.
"Twilight, are you okay?" The unicorn looked up from her corner to see Pinkie Pie looking down at her in concern. "I told you, you can't beat a Mare E. Sue like that! She's fast, strong, and really smart!"
"Yeah, yeah..." Twilight sighed. "She's perfect. We lose. I know..."
Pinkie Pie smiled. "But that's just it! I know a way to beat her!"
The unicorn rolled her eyes. "YOU know a way to beat her? Pinkie Pie, you don't know how to beat anything!"
"... Touche. What's the plan?"
"Alright, take my hoof."
"Pinkie Pie, this plan is kind of stupid."
"Just take it!"
Begrudgingly, Twilight grabbed hold of the pink pony's hoof. A moment passed where nothing happened. "Gee, this is just..." Suddenly Twilight could feel a tingle run through her body. Not even a tingle, just a really weird feeling. "Um, Pinkie? What's going on?"
"I've never taken a pony with me beyond the 4th wall before. But desperate times call for desperate measures!"
"4th wall? What's that supposed to mean? And why am I talking in bold? And why am I suddenly noticing everything as text?!"
Pinkie Pie giggled. "Almost there!"
And with a bright flash, Pinkie Pie and Twilight disappeared from Equestria.
"Wait, but I'm..."
Twilight: Still here, aren't... I...? Whoa, what's going on?
Pinkie Pie: Hey everypony! Welcome to another episode of Mystery Pinkie Pie Theater 3000!
Twilight: I really hope this is a part of your plan, Pinkie Pie, or else we have some much weirder problems to worry about.
Pinkie Pie: Don't worry, silly filly! This is all going according to plan!
Twilight: Your "plan"? Just what is your "plan", Pinkie? What is Raven's weakness?!
Pinkie Pie: That’s what I was trying to tell you before you ran off like that! Mare E. Sues are incredibly weak to one thing; criticism! So I went and asked an author friend of mine to lend me his writing studio so I could do an MST!
Twilight: Criticism? That's it?
Pinkie Pie: Yep! They HATE IT it when people make fun of the realities they’ve designed!
Twilight: That still doesn't explain where we are.
Pinkie Pie: It's a little difficult to explain... Let's just say it has something to do with dimension hopping and leave it at that. We need to go if we want to be in time for the MST!
Twilight: Hold on, MST?
Pinkie Pie: I’d rather not go into exposition now! You can look up MST3K on your own time! All you need to know for now is that in an MST, we make fun of what’s going on! Plot, characters, grammar… Everything's fair game! I needed you along because I don’t have anywhere NEAR the awesome level of caustic sarcasm that you do! I just can't do this alone!
Twilight: Gee, thanks…
Pinkie Pie: See!? That’s perfect! Alright! Let’ do this! We’ve got story sign!
Raven was excited as can be about the fan club meeting! But she was also nervous, because she didn’t want to be the center of attention.
Twilight: Which is exactly why she’s supporting this fan club meeting.
Suddenly, Raven narrowed her eyes. “MST…” she hissed before reverting back to her perfect self.
Twilight: Wait, can other ponies hear us?!
Pinkie Pie: Only Raven can hear us, since she’s, you know, an eldritch abomination of incredibly destructive power. But she can’t actually say anything about it, otherwise she’ll blow her cover. Not even her Sue powers can convince people not to fear an eldritch abomination.
Twilight: Oh, so as long as we're here in this... um... alternate dimension, we're perfectly safe from her wrath, right?
Pinkie Pie: Oh, uh, yeah, of course...
Twilight: Pinkie? What are you not telling me?
Pinkie Pie: It's nothing, as long as she isn't at the height of her power.
Twilight: Yeah, about that. What does the book say about her when she is at full strength?
Pinkie Pie: Well, she can kinda, sort of, maybe... Travel to different dimensions.
Pinkie Pie: And spread her influence and power throughout multiple planes of existence.
Pinkie Pie: And that means she can kinda come here and obliterate us.
Twilight: ... Well, it seems we're on a tight schedule now. If we don't stop her before the end of the gathering, we may as well say good bye to reality as we know it!
Pinkie Pie: It gets worse. You see, since Raven's putting so much energy into making reality depict her as perfect, the quality of everything else is starting to drop. You know what that means?!
Twilight: Bad grammar?
Pinkie Pie: Shield your eyes!
Now, where was she?
Pinkie Pie: In the Twilight Zone?
Twilight: In a stupid story?
Ah, yes, the gathering. She’d never want to steal the spotlight away from another pony. Granted, she was extremely special and a little bit unusual, but it wasn’t her fault! It was her curse she had to live with, being so talented and attractive!
Twilight: (Impersonating Raven) Oh, why can’t I be more like that other pony from down the street, with the incredible amount of acne, fungal infection, and lacking three legs?
Pinkie Pie: (Impersonating Raven) She’s the pony we all want to be!
She had to live with constant attention, never having a moment alone! But she’d struggle on, despite all these obstacles!
Pinkie Pie: Maybe she’d have more moments of peace and silence if she didn’t spend every waking moment talking to herself?
Twilight: Oh, dear Celestia, is that really how her name’s spelled?
walked through the doors to the pavilion, and was greeted by an amazing sight! Every pony in Ponyville had turned up to the fan club gathering. It seems word had spread around town, and everyone had turned up to celebrate her.
Twilight: You’d think ponies would have better things to do with their time, instead of coming to this meeting. Like swim in trash. Or gouge their eyes out.
Raven waved, giving all the cityfolk a friendly smile that was like glorious light pouring down from the heavens!
Twilight: Grab an umbrella! It’s raining heavenly lights!
Pinkie Pie: Someone needs to give God a number for a good plumber! You can’t have heavenly light splashing around everywhere!
“Welcome!” cried the mayor,
Twilight: Who was thinking about how her family which was being held hostage, forcing her to do this stupid event.
who was standing up on stage with a mike. “Everyone, the guest of honor has arrived!” A humongous cheer rose up from the assembled ponies, one of love and adoration. Raven blushed. She hadn’t known there was going to be THIS many ponies.
There were buffet tables stacked high with all sorts of treats and goodies. And they were all her favorites! Cheeseburgers, French fries, cakes, and more her! Raven grabbed a slice of pizza and began chewing away happily.
Twilight: Really? Fast food? What meat do they make the patties from? Horse meat?
Pinkie Pie: It's the same stuff that you make cupcakes with! (Twilight gives her an odd look) What? If every other pony can make references to that story, then I can too!
Rarity walked up and asked, “Can I have some?” The two of them laughed as Rarity grabbed another slice of pizza.
Both: (Laughing like crazy)
Pinkie Pie: Wait, why are we laughing?
Twilight: Why are they?
Raven said, “Thanks so much for this dress, Rarity! It’s so kawai!”
Twilight: Oh great, Raven’s apparently fake-Japanese.
Rarity giggled, and said, “It’s super kawai!
Twilight: And so’s Rarity. Impressive, considering the Japan doesn’t exist in Equestria.
But your dress is even more awesome! I was just talking to some designer guy, and he agreed to feature that dress you made for me earlier in every magazine in Equestria!”
Raven said, “Oh…” and turned away.
Rarity said, “What’s wrong Raven? I thought you’d be happy?”
Twilight: “I thought you’d be happy?” Don’t ask me, did you think she was going to be happy?
Raven said, “It’s just…” There was a pained look in her eye, and a single tear drop hit the ground.
Pinkie Pie: The rest missed.
Twilight: I didn’t know that the pavilion’s floor had been removed.
Pinkie Pie: Don’t worry. We don’t like you already!
Twilight: If I hear that one of these characters "said" something one more time, I will freak out!
“Oh, don’t worry Raven! You’re already my bestest friend in the world! It doesn’t matter what any other pony thinks!”
Twilight: What about us? Because we think you’re stupid.
Raven said, “Thanks Rarity! You’ve always been a good friend!”
“No problemo!” said Rarity as she walked away.
Fluttershy walked up next. “Hey Raven.” she murmured.
“Fluttershy”, Raven shouted. “I told you to be more confident!”
Pinkie Pie: (shouting) Geez Fluttershy, you need to be confident in yourself, you worthless piece of hay!
Twilight: (shouting) Get out of my sight, maggot! And remember to think positively!
“I’m sorry.” Fluttershy said. “I just don’t want to be mean to you Raven. You are the nicest pony ever.”
A tear fell from Raven’s eye as she looked away. “Sometimes, I’m just… TOO NICE! IT’S MY CURSE!”
Pinkie Pie: (Impersonating Raven) SORRY FOR SHOUTING AT THAT LAST PART, I JUST STUBBED MY TOE!
“You poor dear!” cried Fluttershy. “Your world is a difficult one!” And she ran off in sadness.
Pinkie Pie: Actually, I think to travel through sadness you need to wade.
Twilight: Really? I find with the right equipment you can get up to a slight jog.
Applejack was walking by and was confused by the fuss. “What’s happening, pardner?”
“Hey sis.” Raven said with a smile that was similar to shooting stars on a dark night.
Twilight: I use a .30 caliber for shooting stars.
Pinkie Pie: I prefer shooting stars in the day, much easier to avoid tripping over things.
“I’m so happy to be here. It’s great to see all my friends!”
“I reckon dat any a dem ponies that wouldn’t wanta be yer friend is lower than a snake in a them there wagon rut.”
Twilight: By all that is pony, is that supposed to be a southern accent? It looks more like a cat walked over a keyboard!
Raven laughed, which was like birds singing sweet songs of joy. “I wouldn’t say that. It’s okay if people don’t like me. It’s a free country, and that’s why I believe in democracy!”
Twilight: (Impersonating Raven) Not that I’m trying to force my beliefs on you, commie.
“I reckin you’re one of dem wisest ponies I dun know.” laughed Applejack, as she cantered off.
Pinkie Pie: Geez, AJ, slow down!
Raven let out a huge sigh.
Twilight: Which crushed several ponies from the sheer size of it.
Why was everybody so obsessed with her tonight? She just wanted a bit of time to herself. But she wasn’t there for her; she was there to make the other ponies happy! She was a martyr, plain and simple.
Twilight: A martyr, eh? Then get to dying already! Oh, that wasn't a very good joke, was it?
Pinkie Pie: C'mon, Twilight! You aren't giving up hope on Pinkie Pie's watch!
Twilight: How do we even know we're doing any damage? She's hasn't shown a single sign of being hurt by our insults! We're already nearing the end of the gathering...
Pinkie Pie: All we can do is keep trying. She's bound to crack eventually!
Twilight: I hope so... When I got up this morning, I didn't think I'd be trying to slay a demon with insults.
She saw Rainbow Dash walking by, looking awfully nervous, as though avoiding her. This worried Raven. Raven went to check on her.
Rainbow Dash blushed furiously at Raven when she walked up to her.
Pinkie PIe: Be careful! A blush that furious could kill a pony!
Raven asked if something was wrong. Rainbow Dash replied that she didn’t want to talk about it. Raven insisted. Rainbow Dash said okay.
Twilight: Wow, Rainbow. Glad to see only a finely crafted argument could sway your opinion.
They cantered to a back room where they both sat down on a comfy couch, close together. Raven said, “Rainbow, you’ve been acting weird since I came to this town. What’s up?”
“Oh!” Rainbow Dash shouted. “You can always tell what’s going on Raven! You’re so kawai! I have to be honest and tell you that I LOVE YOU!!!!”
Both: (Collective groan)
“WHAT!?!?!” yelled Raven, completely surprised. “I never knew!!!”
Twilight: Everypony, I present; Raven, who always knows what’s going on.
“My true feeling are now revealed…” sighed Rainbow Dash. “I didn’t think… you like me… So I was nervous… About telling you…”
Pinkie Pie: Hold on a second… I need… to catch… my… breath… from… all this cantering I’ve been doing.
Twilight: At Rainbow’s petty, mortal emotions.
“Silly filly, of course I like you! In fact, I love you too!”
THe two of them kissed, with tongues and everything.
Twilight: So, wait? They kissed with everything, or they used everything, or… What?
Pinkie Pie: Glad they mentioned that! I thought they weren't going to use tongues!
Then they had sex. It was the most mind-blowing sex EVER and it was totally kawai for the both of them.
Pinkie Pie: We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of one Rainbow Dash, who’s mind exploded quite randomly while having sex.
Twilight: On a different note, we are also gathered to celebrate the passing of one Raven Tw’light-Moon. Everyone may now proceed to dance on her grave.
When they were done, Raven was happy. But she knew that she needed to make a speech in front of all those ponies outside! Sure she was a professional at public speeches, but she was still nervous about the attention.
Twilight: Luckily, Raven was also a trained psychologist, so she could confront her nervousness problems, and an expert economist, so she could afford giving herself psychological treatment.
Pinkie Pie: Don’t forget being an expert craftsman, so she could make the couch she’d lie on while she had those psychological sessions with herself!
Suddenly, Raven snapped at no pony, “Blasted MST! Shut up!”
Rainbow Dash was concerned. She asked Raven, “You alright?”
Raven smiled at her, which was like a spoonful of honey being force fed down a pony’s throat. “I’m totally okay!”
So she headed out to do the speech.
Pinkie Pie: I think we’re getting to her! Just a little bit more…
Twilight: Well, she better crack soon. I think the speech is the final part of the gathering!
Everybody was gathered and listening excitedly for the most awesome speech ever. THe mayor was all giddy as she announced into the mike that Ravem Tw’light-Moon would be doing the speech.
Twilight: Didn’t the crowd already know she was doing the speech?
Pinkie Pie: (giggling) Just like how she did Rainbow? (Twilight swats her upside the head)
Raven stepped up to the mike, totally hyped. As she spoke, the entire audience was in complete awe at her beautiful singing voice. Raven said, “Everybody, thanks tons for coming to my fan club meeting! It’s an honor to be honored like this!
Twilight: (As Raven) Also, I’d like to thank you thankful people.
Pinkie Pie: (As Raven) And bless you blessed people.
And to honor all you guys, I’m going to sing a song from my latest albunm!” Raven started singing.
Twilight: And this is why I brought earplugs.
“They're gonna clean up your looks
With all the lies in the books
To make a citizen out of you
Because they sleep with a gun
And keep an eye on you, son
So they can watch all the things you do
Because the drugs never work
They're gonna give you a smirk
'Cause they got methods of keeping you clean
They're gonna rip up your heads
Your aspirations to shreds
Another cog in the murder machine
Twilight: So, did she just shout, “chorus”, in the middle of the song?
They said all
The living shit out of me
They could care less
As long as someone'll bleed
So darken your clothes
Or strike a violent pose
Maybe they'll leave you alone
But not me
The boys and girls in the clique
The awful names that they stick
You're never gonna fit in much, kid
But if you're troubled and hurt
What you got under your shirt
Will make them pay for the things that they did
Twilight: Wow Raven, instead of just shouting “chorus”, you could at least sing the words.
As everyone cheered, Ravne said into the microhphone, “I made that myself.”
Pinkie Pie: Oh, of course! That was incredibly original! Right Twilight?
Twilight: Oh yeah. Never heard that song in my life. Definitely original.
Cries of your brilliant echoed through the pavilion, but even so, an angry look crossed Raven’s face. Looking at that expression was like being bitten by a venomous snake.
Twilight: Not so bad. Reading this story has been like being bitten by twenty venomous snakes.
Shocked cries came from the audience at this sudden change in their hero.
Raven shook her head, as though to get rid of whatevers was troubling her. It didn’t work.
Pinkie Pie: Oh good, cause I’m not done making fun of her!
“You pests!” Raven hissed, to nobody in particular. “How can you make fun of me?! I’m perfect!”
Twilight: Easily. That’s how.
She flinched as though someone yelled a scathing remark. “I won’t give in…”
Pinkie Pie: (As Raven) To the urge to eat that last slice of cake! My diet won’t be ruined so easily!
The surrounding Ponies gasped as Raven’s eyes lit up with demonic fury, and flames erupted from her body! “SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP! I CAN’T STAND FLAMING!”
Pinkie Pie: If you can’t take the heat, (puts on sunglasses) stay out of the forums!
Slowly, cracks began spreading across Raven’s body, with a dark light shining through.
Twilight: Skin cracking open because of eldritch energy being released from your body? Moisturize that dry skin with L’Oreal.
Pinkie Pie: (Impersonating Raven) Because I’m worth it!
Raven let out a shriek. “HOW CAN THIS BE?! I’M PERFECT IN EVERY WAY! HOW CAN YOU MAKE FUN OF MEEEEEEEEE??!?!??!?!?!” With a final cry of anger, the black light from within her body burst out, tearing her apart, shredding her into pieces. All that had gathered to celebrate Raven were practically blinded, but as the light faded, and everypony opened their eyes, all that was left of Raven Tw’light-Moon, aka Mare E. Sue, was a scorch mark on the stage where she’d been standing.
Twilight: We… We did it! We actually did it!
Pinkie Pie: We need to celebrate! Oh, how about… a PARTY?! But first, back to Equestria!
Twilight and Pinkie Pie seemed to appear out of thin air, but no pony had really taken notice of this odd event. Rather, they were all blinking their eyes in confusion, as though just waking up from a deep sleep.
As they surveyed the crowd, Pinkie gave a squeal of delight. “Yay! Now that the wicked Sue is gone, everyone’s gonna turn back to normal! Ponyville is saved! Not to mention Equestria, the world, Sugar Cube Corner...”
Twilight gave a sigh of relief. “I’m just glad it’s all over with…”
But as she spoke those words, a suave, cool voice came from the front door.
All three ponies turned, and at the entrance stood a male alicorn. He was pure black, with a multicolored mane that was constantly changing colors. He wore a sweatshirt that was jet black, and he had five cutie marks. “Hi. I’m Echo.”
Pinkie Pie let out a hiss. “Mare T. Stu…” she whispered.
Twilight hoof-palmed. “Not again…”