Heyo! TheSharp0ne here. I was told I should put my story on FIMFic, so here I am.
Twilight Sparkle believes she has made a new friend when a new pony moves into town. But when she stumbles upon his secret, she's pulled into the world of wartime Equestria. Can she use her brilliant mind to help defeat the enemies of Equestria, or will her mind fail her when it is needed most?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is a pretty good story. Blitz is a little overpowered but it's just the beginning so I'll let it slide. Technically, this story is fantastic. You know the technical aspects of writing a story so that already puts you ahead of about 40% of the community. Length of each chapter is kept at a good steady rate that's easy for fluctuation. As for the more creative aspects, it's standard. Blitz right now seems to be kept extremely mysterious with some vague build-up. Personally, given the style of story this is taking, it seems to be smarter to do what you're doing.
Since Blitz's secret is basically out, you'd be good to give some character development, emotional attachment, and make us care about the character more. Oh and make sure to give him a few minor flaws or a tragic, major flaw. Or at the very least, make sure he's a believable character. As for the Mane 6, they're very well written and not too OC except like once or twice and that's common for even the best stories on this site.
So good job, can't wait for more, and this story deserve to be on that little white box where it displays the top stories.
99814 Hehe, thanks. I can see what you mean with the 'overpowered' bit but trust me that'll get dimmed down (And explained some in the next chapter). And trust me, there'll be flaws in his character presented. Glad you liked it. I plan this to be a decently long fic with a good amount of twists and conflicts :3
The guy above basically said what I was going to say. Anyway this has been really interesting so far and I cannot wait to read more!
Great chapter! Keep up the good work! Just one thing I would like to point out, pleasewhenyouarewrittinglikePinkiePieandusingnospaceskeepitshortoritbecomesreallyhardtoreadandsomewhatannoying.
Ahh, so THIS is the story CosmicWaltz was doing the picture for on Da. I saw the picture and was like "oh snap! there it is!"
I'll say how I feel about it in a moment, I have to read it first
It litterally went off the page (refferencing the Pinkie Pie no-space speak) It breaks the fourth wall and was hilarious.
Makes total sense to me. On to the next chapter!
Now that I've read these first few chapters I can say that this is written very well and it's clearly had a lot of time and effort put into it. It reads smoothly, the characters are believeable (and as Espionage has pointed out Blitz does seem slightly Over Powered [actually, look, our photo's are the opposite of each other. Creepy]), and technically speaking, almost flawless. There were a few grammar derps in there but when they happened they weren't glaring and I was still focused on the engaging story, which props to you, that's difficult for me. Leave this alone for a few days, then glance back over it, you'll probably find 'em.
However, I can't let this go without saying; you use names a little too often. I'd be reading a paragraph and I would see "Twilight" three times in quick succession. Now of course, I wouldn't go back and change a bunch of this to "she" and "he" (mostly she though), but you should maybe try to invest your time in coming up with some different approaches. However, that's my only major complaint.
Minor complaint...Applejack seemed slightly too hick-ish. I'm not sure if that's the way I read it, but it wasn't a comfortable section to go through.
I also personally love the concepts that you've come up with here. It's engaging, has suspense (though a smidge vague...) and you've set up a neat-o plot for us. I really hope this gets as much attention as it can. 4.5 stars and a track from me.
100111 I'm honestly surprised when you brought up "minor grammar issues" (I SHALL FIND THEM ASFKDSGJ) you didn't mention the fact I used words like "someone" instead of "somepony" when Blitz was speaking. Because those weren't mistakes :3. Unless you were talking about that. In which case, I've already explained myself! (And that shall be explained next chapter, dun't worry)
And sorry if I made Applejack seem a little too hick-ish. I live in south Texas, so I guess I could've let a bit too much of my own culture seep in. Though I did try and distinguish from the two dialects when Blitz happened to go back to his native tongue, considering Applejack's is more of a mid-south accent, sorta like from Missouri or somethin like that. (Yes, hick-speak has different forms =P)
100726
Ha, no I wasn't refferencing someone vs. somepony. I personally think it's rediculous when people get nit picky about it. Generally, If it's speaking, yeah it's best to use "somepony" but outside of that go ahead and use someone. Even Applejack in Winter Wrap Up says "everyone it feeds..." I'm talking honest to goodness minor "oopsies".
As for the ack-cent part (did you see what I did there?), I understand completely. I lived in Texas for a while and it's very tough to impose that speaking in writing without sounding imposing or obtrusive. You did a good job with it, it seemed just a bit overdone (of course, this is all opinionated). I'm plenty familiar with the variety of accents :|...more than I'd care to admit XD
Great first Chapter. I must now read the next chapter Onwards
Lol at the Doctor Whooves reference at the end
Hmmm - I must say, I am intrigued. It's pretty clear that Blitz is planning some sort of military campaign in Equestria - but to what end? Is he workign for the Crowns? As a foreign agent? Or does he just have a weird hobby (I'll admit now that I used to have a folder of situational plans for my local area - the only one that I still refer to is my personal zombie survival plan)?
I can't wait to find out.
100803 Props. Didn't expect anyone to get that. You sir get +5 internetz.
101935 All shall be explained next chapter :3
Or, at least, most of it.
I'll get a random theory out before you begin explaining it.
Blitz is planning an insurrection, and is working out which cities to destroy and which to leave alone. Of course, I don't know why he'd mark the home of the bearers of the most powerful magic as "expendable", but we'll have to wait and see. However, he won't be able to plan any insurrection on his own, so he might be a pathfinder for a clandestine organisation. Or he's going to try and start a war between Equestria and some other nation.
Even still, the cat's pretty much out of the bag. Twilight will tell her friends and they'll confront him about it, and he'll probably be forced to tell them whatever it is (who knows, he might be on their side). As with most fanfics, this thing might run into the plothole of "Why doesn't Twilight tell Celestia right away?" because, even though Twilight would probably do that in a situation like this (and situations in many other stories), there would be little conflict if Celestia just shows up and smashes whatever plans Blitz has.
However, it would be nice for the author to keep that in mind and find a workable route around it. Unless you do plan for Twilight to tell Celestia ASAP.
106794 Hehe, I love theories! Don't worry, a lot of questions (And I mean a lot) will be answered in the next chapter.
106969
Well, it's best you don't answer too many. You have to leave the readers waiting eagerly for more, and nothing makes a person more eager to read the next chapter like a good mystery. So I'd leave some bits out, if I were you, for answering later. Also, if you need an editor, I'd be happy to lend a hand.
111156 Don't worry, the question's I'll be answering won't be all that important to the overall plot. Most of em are just things that most likely have popped up with a few sentences I added. And no thanks, I already have an editor.
Love this story overall, I was wondering if you might have Twilight and Blitz play Casualty a board game from the Story The Colour You Bleed here's a link to the chapter it's brought up in, I think it would fit in with your story very well Casualty Chapter
In times of War, when updates seem hopeless a Soldier sometimes need a motivational song. I found one that fit the bill Motivational Song
121915 I'm working on Chapter 4, don't worry! I'm just a very busy person, so sometimes finding time to write is hard. Though I do make updates as to how many words/close I am to finishing on my deviantART page. And my "motivational songs" all come from a group called Two Steps From Hell. Just type that into Youtube, any song'll do really ^.^
the plot thickens.........
"Drama bomb!"
Woah, this chapter just blew my mind, I like It
.
I am very eager to read the next chapter now
It's 'spiel', not 'shpeel'. It's German.
Otherwise, nice chapter.
Ahh, finally, we see the weakness of Blitz. Quite well written, I can't wait for the next chapter.
... Slightly irritated here. Granted, it may be more or less a non-issue for most people, however, I am always irked slightly when I see main characters outdone in their speciality by OC's. I mean, come on, Twilight's talent is magic, and she's the pony most in tune with th Element of Magic - she should be nigh on the most powerful unicorn in existence. Besides which - there was absolutely no need for the Lunar unicorns to be more powerful than her, let alone by a factor of ten! They could be slightly less powerful than, or on par with, Twilight, and the simple fact that there is an army of them would still be cause for concern. As for the transport? Have a special clique of teleportation specialist unicorns - After all, it's been proven that a special talent drastically improves your skill/power in the requisite area, so they need not be more powerful to justify it.
Then there's Blitz. Okay, fine, I'll accept he was under royal orders not to discuss the situation outside of the palace, and that whole 'mysterious' thing was just him. But that explosion was more or less avoidable - had he simply launched into a tactical description of _why_ Ponyville was unsuitable for defence, he would have forestalled any complaints by Twilight (she's unlikely to interrupt him if he doesn't make a mistake), and possibly even forced her to reconsider her position (I mean, she plays chess, doesn't she? She should understand the idea of sacrificing pawns for larger units). But really? I think I'm most annoyed by Luna.
What sort of commander plans the invasion of what could well be a major military power, without some sort of exit strategy? And, for that matter, if her jealous rage was brought about by the lack of ponies appreciating her night.... after the creation of her Lunar military, shouldn't she have been calmed by the sudden abundance of night-loving ponies?
Still, you have interesting ideas. I look forward to seeing how you develop them.
137332 The thing about Twilight's magical power is that we don't KNOW how powerful she is. Sure, she could be the most powerful non-alicorn pony in Equestria, but what can we compare that to? We can't really, since we haven't had much of a display of her skill. You could bring up the Ursa Minor thing, but if you remember, she struggled with that. I fully address the point that her magical potential is far greater than that of what she can currently do. And for Luna's soldiers, you have to think, if an all-powerful being filled you to the brim on magical ability so you could destroy Equestria and defeat another all-powerful being, that'd have to be pretty strong.
As for the outburst, if you were as unemotional about the whole thing as Blitz was forced to be for that long, it'd be really hard not to go insane, so that outburst was long overdue for him.
And for Luna's (Nightmare Moon's*) "exit strategy," there was no need for one. In her eyes, she was going to take over Equestria. If she didn't, oh well, tough luck, back to the moon, try again next time. And for the "appreciation" bit, if you were transformed into an evil version of yourself for 1000 years because of jealousy of your sister, you wouldn't think that your newfound creations will appreciate your night, no. You'd be bent on revenge
137470
Okay, so I understand the 'do or die' mindset Luna had (can't say I approve, but meh - it's the sort of thing you'd expect an evil dictator to do). And I can't even pretend to be some sort of expert psychologist, so I'll allow that may well work.
However, with Blitz, whilst his emotional outburst may well be understandable given his job and the prodding he just received, what I meant was that his attempts at deflection are almost designed to cause a situation to allow him to vent - he answers a perfectly non-inflammatory question with 'Don't...'. After that point, it's almost a given that at least one of those ponies is going to explode. Had he responded with a complete tactical asessment, instead, there is a high [possibility Twilight would have dropped it. Granted, there is still a chance he would have exploded (if Twilight argued back, she almost certainly would have included the emotional blackmail), but my point is, if he wanted to avoid that incident, he should have known better than to vaguely request she not question it - expecially when he's driven her half-mad with his refusal to answer questions already.
Still, I suppose, with the benefit of hindsight and all that... (or whatever it is readers get).
Finally, your argument regarding the future power levels of Twilight Sparkle would be perfectly valid, were it not for this line: " to easily be ten times more powerful than you shall become.” Now, granted, you could try the whole 'Celestia is mistaken' angle, but, judging from the way your argument went, I doubt you were attempting that.
As for Luna's supercharging her troops - I agree, they would be pretty damn powerful. However, their primary purpose was to overwhelm the defenders of Equestria. So they would certainly be far more powerful than the average unicorn. And, due to their weight of nnumbers, they would also be able to defeat any above average unicorns. Possibly even the Princess - but that would be via weight of numbers and through a sheer war of attrition. To put them anywhere near capable of handling an alicorn in small numbers would likely burn out the unicorns. Finally, I must disagree slightly. Whilst I am quite willing to class alicorns as deities, to say they are all-powerful is likely a bit of an overstatement - as I recall, it required Celestia, Luna, and the Elements of Harmony together to defeat Discord the first time. But, yeah, deity-tier creature - so pretty damn powerful indeed.
Oh yes it updated! Yay! Great chapter, but here be some minor criticisms:
and even in some directions not possible.
>> If they weren't possible, how would they stick that way? Perhaps "in some directions he didn't think were possible" might suit better? I just found that a little odd is all, feel free to disagree.
giving a guard a small smiles
>>I know it's late when I read this, but surely there's something wrong with that.
Lets talk about it over lunch, okay?”
>> Maybe i'm being nitpicky here, but isn't there supposed to be an apostrophe in Lets? as in... "let us" talk about it over lunch.
>> You used "simply" and "mare" just a hair too often and usually within close proximity of each other.
>> used "bathed in..." twice. Good expression, but it's strange seeing it twice.
Other than that (and not going completely in depth and analyzing every single word 0-o) this was good. Action is stepping up like crazy!
265270 Thanks for those. There's always a few that escape the editing process...
Followed a link from Alvinsaur and was not dissapointed. This is awesome so far!
Great chapter, war is coming Equestria. I look forward to the next chapter
288735 Hehe... You may be one of the few to catch the subtle shoutout to Alv in Chapter 5 then <.<
Wooo. This is pretty interesting. When will it update again?
405731 This story is currently on hiatus. Check this out for the explanation.
Really hope you come back to this story someday, its a very interesting premise.
673641 Yeah once summer starts for me I might pick it back up. It pained me to put this on hiatus but I really need to work on some aspects of it, and lately I haven't had much time to do that.