Its ok, but you really don't need to make all those paragraphs. 3/5 MUSTACHES!

Editor

  Reply    Block TimeTravlnDEMON    TimeTravlnDEMON's Profile

  from: TimeTravlnDEMON, 2 days, 16 hours ago

I would like to be your editor for your series with Orion and Dazzle. I think that you are a very good writer capable o...

- 7 more messages -

from: ROFLBED0, 5 minutes, 19 seconds ago

If you ever have ideas that you think would incorporate nicely in the story let me know. Other than that glad to have yo...

from: TimeTravlnDEMON, 23 hours, 8 minutes ago

TimeTravlnDEMON:

Umwut?

"Sorry, Cadence forgot her bit bag," Shining said. He then looked up and saw what his parents were doing.  

"Oh my god, why are you doing that when I'm right here?" Shining screamed as he covered his eyes.

This can be just one paragraph.

Said's a bit overused but nothing too much.  Could use a bit of more descriptions but it wasn't that bad of a story.

Hm why would Shining Armor get freaked out by his parents making out, he's no doubt done it with Cadence by this point.

Also I have a feeling Shining Armor is just jealous of the fact that his parents are having another foal when he has yet to get Cadence to even have ONE.

>>14600631460063

NO shining is just thinking a head persoanlly I kind of agree with him

>>14600631460063

not the point, have you ever walked in on your parents?

Also he's not jealous, he's concerned

Go Dazzle and Orion! Don't let anyone tell you how to live your own lives

also .. Nice way to prove the old phrase "there may be snow on the roof but there is fire in the furnace"

>>14592391459239

Sorry that was a message from my editor that got posted along with the chapter.

Stupid imagination, locking that image in my head.

Good first chapter to hopeful a good story

only thing you got the perany of a house wrong its 11 mounths till a foal can be birthed and suvier outside of the mothers body

ment in the kindest way possblite

great story so far.

I've seen it happen in 10 months and the foal turned out fine

>>14606621460662 I don't think I'd be at all freaked out if I walked in on my parents making out, now if they were doing something else that would be different, but I mean come on people make out all the time so after a while you just get used to seeing it.

Well maybe he's a little of both, jealous because he has yet to start a family with Cadence and concerned because of how old his parents are right now.

Sorry about the wall of text issue. My iPod can't resolve it. I may resolve it at a later date.

This story. I like it. Continue.

Forcing her mother to wear a bike helmet and converting the house into a pillow fort for the foal's safety, yeap that's typical OCD Twilight

*singing song * ... Farty Bubbles!  

I am liking Dazzle and Orion more and more as the story progresses.

Woots for Motherhood!

>>14797121479712 Dazzle sure does seem to enjoy it, never knew she could be so disturbing.

Dazzle is best pony.

From the Desk of the Diarchy of Equestria

To: Major Department Heads and Agency Coordinators

I presume you all remember when Shining Armor took the Canterlot Magical Aptitude test and scored 12.5 out of 10 as he demonstrated his shielding spell, and we had to re-calibrate all the tests so 10 was the maximum score again.  Then a few years later when his little sister Twilight Sparkle scored a 28.9, so we just decided to leave the scale alone, and add another layer of armor onto the castle walls.

Well, good news.  In a few years, it looks like we're going to have to do this all over again.  If we start building right now, we should have a testing chamber put together by the time he/she attends school.  Please expedite your plans and construction, the lives you save may be our own.  I will be overseeing the new Royal Guard's being hired, we plan on a minimum of doubling the force.

If all goes well, we will have a party and the drinks will be on me.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, Diarchs of Equestria

Remind me never to piss off dazzle.

I don't wanna get cut.

"Shut your mouth you pompous bitch or I will cut you!" Dazzle screamed

she done it once she will do it again!

Oh Carp! i can't stop laughing!

words can not express how much i love Dazzle right now.

Dazzle kicks ass!!!

>>14836661483666 Well o.k. if it means my life will be safe *hands over some bits* will this help?

This is going to bite them in the flank, I just know it...

Also:

"And here are senior adulterers now."

I'm sorry... what? How does having a child in your mid fifties make you an adulterer? I mean, I understand this Christina is basically a shock jock, but... what? Her logic astounds me. It's... it's Insane Troll Logic. I'd put in a clip from Doctor Who, with the Cyberman saying, "There is... logic in what he says," but that specific clip isn't anywhere on Youtube.

>>14886091488609 I'd make a refference to the second doctor saying that "logic is mearly a tool for when one wishes to be wrong with authority" but i can't help but agree with you.

I laughed out loud at the ending!

Love it! It's so hilarious!

Sorry it's full of mistakes, the fixed chapter will be ready soon.

>>15104041510404 Good!

Also Orion and Dazzle may be in their 50's but that's no reason to pick on them, they haven't offically become seniors yet and they appear to be in good shape so who says they shouldn't have a foal, idiots who have nothing better to do that's who.

And it looks like Braeburn and Mercury are homo for each other, too bad Applejack doesn't approve!

>>15104721510472

Not because he is homosexual but because he went after it in a  public place. There is a proper place for such things and a royal dinner party is not one of them.

Why was Braeburn in this chapter again? It just seems he was shoehorned in just so he and Mercury could have some ho yay action. What about Shining Armor and Cadance, surely they would of been present for a dinner honoring their parents and in-laws respectively. Not to mention Spike once again being left behind while the mane 6 go on an adventure.

Okay, at first I thought Christina Clydesdale was a mix of Rita Skeeter, Howard Stern, and several other shock jocks and tabloid writers (fictional or otherwise)... Now I have no idea WHO she's supposed to be based off of.

Also, she's completely hypocritical, and I want this off-camera incident to bite her in the flank somehow.

Also, on Mercury Flame's existence in this story, I have only this to say: WHYYYYYYYY?

Why would you make an alicorn OC? You know the kind of reputation those things have! His appearance in this story alone is probably going to get you some down votes.

>>15106761510676 Which is why Applejack is not happy about it, she could care less about her cousin's love life but she doesn't need him making a fool of himself.

Why was Shining and Cadence not there? Why was spike not there? Why doesn't Applejack approve? Why is Mercury an Alicorn? Why is Braeburn in this chapter? Why is he gay? Why is the sky blue? Why is Earth bigger than Mars? Why is Nihon called Japan? Why is The Simpsons still on the air? Why is One better than Enter Sandman? Why are Mammoths wolly? Why why why why why why why......…..Because.

>>15111451511145

I might change mercury into unicorn, but the thing with Braeburn will have some perpose later in the story.

Keep in mind, I'm trying to be nice here.

This chapter is simply terrible. You completely ignored the conventions of grammer and punctuation throughout the entire work, moreover you broke what is likely the most important rule for a good, well written story. NEVER have more then a single character speaking in a paragragh, EVER.

In addition this is almost entirely devoid of descriptions beyond a bare bones effort. This is basically a skeleton of what it should be and you should really consider expanding on the non-dialogue sections.

I must also agree with Jarkes, the very definition of an Adulterer is that they are cheating on thier spouse, something Orion and Dazzle are clearly not doing. If this accusation was thrown about somewhere like down here in Australia this Christina character would basically lose her job by popular oppinion forcing all her sponsors to pull support (which recently happened with conservative Shock Jock Alan Jones), that or have her career setback a decade.

It's clear you are indeed trying to write a good fic considering the subject matter so these errors aren't the result of trolling, but rather honest failings so I will withhold downvoting. However I highly suggest you get someone to proofread your work and whip you into pushing this story to its true, glorious, potential.

...What happened to chapter 4?

>>15147511514751 yeah that sounds about right im having issues with my editor

>>15154201515420 made an edit and forgot to republish

Ehh I don't like it.  

To start chapter 1 and chapter 2 are the same, that's a pretty big over sight, but not why I don't like it.

The talk show pony being such a huge bitch and getting support against Dazzler and Orion doesn't feel right for Equestia.  the whole "Homosexual Alicorn Prince X Braburn feels like it should be it's own story no the B story here.

I deleted my earlier comment about you having accidentally put chapter 1's text in chapter 2 when you were formatting everything, since that's fixed now.

I heard Twilight's parents names are Velvet Sparkle the mom, and Nightlight the dad, but... besides that, cool, I liked chapter 1

>>15221371522137

I heard that too, it's different whoever you ask.

After all that she did it had to take the birth of the foal to save Christina Clydesdale's life.

Someday soon ... (after the birth of the foal of course) some pony is going to have to cut that bitch

the question is Who gets the honors?

Dazzle has prior claim but has motherly duties to attend to.

Orion has prior claim but can not act (stallions do Not attack mares... ever...)

Cadance has a claim from the slander but may not be able to act due to royal laws/duties.

Shining (see Orion)

Twilight? Is female so can freely attack Christina and is far enough from actual royalty to take action without royal limits....

hmmm ...

Sic her Twily! Go super saiyan on her ass!

Sh!t just got real!

Okay. Christina has officially crossed the moral event horizon. Somepony needs to kill her already.

>>15287971528797 Twilight should put in a personal call to The Elements of Harmony, let's see how well Christina stands up to them.

>>15292981529298 I've rethought, and y'know what? Death's too good for her. She needs to be publicly humiliated, just like she humiliated Twilight's family.

Now how would one go about doing that...

>>15298681529868 How about this:

"Hi I'm Christina and I

"Am a no good lying witch who deserves to be fired."

"What I am not a no good lying witch who deserves to be fired!"

"Hi I'm Christina and I-am a no good lying witch who deserves to be fired!"

Or something along those lines.

>>15304241530424 No, that's too easy. Maybe she has a scandal of her own that she's been desperately trying to cover up for years, and Twilight and her family could find some way to get her to accidentally publicly admit to it.