- Member Since 16th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen February 7th
Andoriol
I just hope to entertain people with my fancy horse words. I always appreciate criticism.
Andoriol
Joined 16th Sep, 2012 ·
Offline
Sequels1
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Andoriol · 62k words · 725 13 · 8.1k views
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I don't like parodies.
*instafaves just by description*
This is a great story. Although, I must ask, why is it labeled as Mature? Doesn't seem like there is any content of questionable nature so far.
Anyway, I give you a like and a fave.
May god have mercy upon your soul for this HORRIBLE curse.. -starts playing Taps-
I love it.
A Red & Black total Gary Stu alicorn who hates his curse and wants it gone.
Thumbs up.
Okay, Finished.
Wow. Quite frankly, wow.
Although the over-use of paragraph breaks became slightly annoying, that's the only substantial complain I have. Written and made excellently. Gary really is believable, and the entire story is interesting.
And it's only the prologue?
You asked for some criticism, and here is some grammar based criticism:
You have a couple of mechanical errors in your punctuation of dialogue.
1) Commas are only placed at the end or start of a piece of dialogue if, respectively, the following or preceding sentences contain a verb to indicate speech. Stuff like this:
>The usual please,” I kept my tone particularly neutral.
>I thumped my hoof against the floorboards, “Miss Sparkle.”
Are instances of this problem. Use a period or other suitable ending mark.
2) If you wish to indicate interruption of a sentence in a dialogue, then you want to use either an em or spaced en dash.
>omigosh-“
This extends to punctuation outside of dialogue.
>See, I had to keep an eye out for-
You have two more in your use of commas.
This sentence pretty much covers both:
>“I’m sure Applejack, same as I have been the past two years.
Firstly, there should be a comma before Applejack in order to show that the sentence is being addressed to her. The second is the comma after Applejack, and is commonly known as a comma splice. The technical explanation of this error is that of a comma being used to connect two independent clauses together. All you really need to know, though, is that if the comma can be comfortably replaced with a period or full stop, then it is highly likely to be a comma splice.
Anyway, that's me out. I would suggest having a read of Ezn's Guide if you want to get a better idea of how this stuff works than what I've defecated out here.
As for the story itself, it was an enjoyable enough read, if not as novel as I think you think it is. Have a thumbs up.
1456425
That's because of future, still-in-the-works events for the story
1456453
)
Hm... that ended up looking different on FiM than I thought it would. I'll correct for that in future chapters (Probably starting with Chapter 2, Chapter 1 is about a quarter written already
1456528
1). Wait, what? That's... hm... that's actually different from what I learned. My bad
2). Could you slow tat one down for me? I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to tell me.
3). Whoops, thought I'd put that first comma in that sentence, and that second one is a bad habit that I thought I'd gotten out of. Thank you for pointing that out, I'd completely forgotten to check for those
And to be honest, I'm not surprised this isn't original. At all. I haven't seen one before, but that means a grand total of jack squat and I'm fully aware. I make no pretenses about being original in any sense... or even all that good of a writer
I just like exercising my writin' muscles and hope people enjoy he more coherent word-vomits I put out
I'm happy that you enjoy it tough, hope it continues to please!
1456602
I assume you mean the interruption of dialogue, yes? If not, then ignore this.
The following marks are a hyphen, en dash and em dash respectively: -, –, —. The first one is mainly used to connect together compound words in literature (aka, words made up of more than one word) and join separate syllables of a single word. Thus, things like "my happy death-machine" are different to things like "my happy-death machine".
A lot of writers tend to use dashes to cover the aspects of punctuation for which en and em dashes are used. Enough do so that it is a fairly common mistake. An en or em dash can be used to replace almost any other type of punctuation—supposedly. The truth behind their use is a lot more complex, but, for the most part, you can't go wrong with a dash.
Dashes cover interruptions from dialogue or writing, appositive and parenthetical structuring or, occasionally, to indicate dialogue. For the first one – aka, I finally get round to answering you – their use would look a little something like this:
>omigosh—"
See, I had to keep an eye out for—
Both of those em dashes could be replaced by a spaced en dash. Either way, I hope this answers your questions.
1456654
Ah, thank you. Still don't totally get it, but this is enough of a start for me to research it myself when I have the time. Thank you very much for the clarification
gary stu parody? prologue of 10k words? mmm
Lets do this
Not bad. Not bad at all. You deserve many likes and favorites.
1456696
Let's try to explain it this way...
When I type this phrase...
The first thought most people have is that the "—" is a hyphen, WHICH IT IS NOT! Different thing. Think of it as the difference between a comma and a semicolon when it comes to confusion: look similar, but different uses.
As far as I'm aware, for whatever you will ever use them as, — and – (em and en dashes respectively) are interchangable. I advise the em dash, —, for the fact that it's MUCH longer than a hyphen (Don't worry hyphen, we have pills for that).
Now, just a quick fyi, to type each...
Hyphen (-): Just press the damn hyphen key!
En Dash (–): Alt+0150
Em Dash (—): Alt+0151
PS: if you don't know what Alt+151 means, it means you press the "Alt" key and press those numbers while it is pressed down. NOTE THAT THIS MUST BE DONE ON YOUR NUMBERPAD. There might be another way to do it on Microsoft Word (maybe a double-hyphen does it as an autocorrect?), but I don't use it.
1456913
Dear Celestia,
I learned something today!
And no, it had jack shit to do with friendship.
Sincerely Thankful for the Lesson,
Andoriol
P.S. — It had to do with dolphin ovaries! Have fun with that mental image!
(Seriously though, thank you. I'll use that from now on, though I probably won't have time to go back and edit it into the prologue)
a red and black car:
gradasishop.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/Bugatti-Veyron-16.4-Rod-Car-Concept-for-Black-Red-Color.jpg
can live with that
a red and black alicorn:
fc08.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/223/b/d/oh_god_kill_it_with_fire_by_freakyfangirl42-d5as10y.png
this is a fun read... the story I mean
1456913
In Microsoft Word, you can actually use the "Insert Symbol" button, and find it there. It's a lot more difficult, but typing on a laptop makes you crafty. Or, you can just copy it off of someone and paste it, but, like Widow said, it's not very easy to find.
1457205
Somehow I find it ironic you have a red and blue alicorn OC as your avatar. Which is arguably worse.
1457804
Good thing my laptop keyboad is this:
ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41cHzfd%2Bz9L._SS500_.jpg
1457811 red and blue stand for this guy
tfwiki.net/w2/images2/thumb/3/37/Optimusg1.jpg/350px-Optimusg1.jpg
besides, my cutiemark is the Matrix of Leadership
I thought it was a combination of funny and sad. You did a good job on getting everything right. Seriously. MOAR Please!
ok you got me interested. keeping my eye out on this one.
That was...impressive.
You've taken a common target of scorn and derision and turned it into a sympathetic character. I applaud you good sir and look forward to more.
shit! best mindfuck/story i've read today- bravo, man!
Best parody ever!
My contribution to a mistake.
Possessive VS Plural: Families is plural,. You need to use family's in the possessive form.
So is the story going to be over those two years from when he first arrived? Or is it going to be a continuation of this? 'Cause he's kiiiiiiind of not a Gary Stu anymore...
I think I just answered my own question.
1460597
Happy to please! And already on it!
1460893
Yay interest! Hope I satisfy!
1461038
Mm, not what I was going for, but looking back, that's what I did... huh. Ah well, Happy that worked out. And hope I live up to expectations!
1461391
Heh, not intended to be a mindfuck story, just to spark some thought.
1461980
Thank you, totally missed that.
1463123
This will actually handle the time after this. Which is actually an issue. The title and summary are not indicative of what the story as a whole will be about. It's what the prologue is about, but not the rest of the story, which will analyze the consequences of him having been a Gary-Stu. I'm more than open to suggestions.
Actually, I'd like to make it rather blatant: I am looking for suggestions on alternate titles and summaries for this story, as the main story will actually deal with the repurcussions of his recently cured Gary-Stu status and not the status itself.
1463199
I suggest Consequences of Unoriginality.
1463522
I love it.
Yoink!
1463575
Cool!
Yes, please! I like your deconstruction immensely, it does a great job of making him NOT a Gary-Stu simply by the fact of making him hate it beyond belief and wish he didnt have it.
Beautiful
Amazing story, you have my attention.
So now I need to ask, when are the next chapters due?
Or are you gonna upload whenever you finish them.
Character is a red and black Alicorn OC?
Yep.
The character hates it?
...
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3529-anti_hate_shield_by_metalbeersolid-d4brl09.gif
This story is actually interesting. I like it.
I'll look it over later for grammatical fixes and generalized errors.
Not too bad. I will keep my eye on this.
1464685
Thank you!
1466212
Thanks! And they'll be up as I get them finished, at a current rate of approximately one per two weeks depending on whether or not I find a job soon or not. (God I hope I do, freakin Central Florida job market)
1469441
Heh, amusing GIF, though it took me a sec to understand the comment though. Happy to have made an entertaining story
1470742
Thankies!
Oh, and sidenote: The mature rating is more a blanket for the language and thoughts involved, as well as for future clop and violence. The fic likely won’t exceed Teen for a while, but there will be Mature portions eventually.
Sidenote the second: I’m open to suggestions for the story, I have my ideas, but I love to hear new ones!
This is actually quite entertaining to read out of pure principal rather than quality, something the Illuminati of the site fail to grasp entirely. Well done, but these kinds cliffhangers should be reserved for situations that have actual weight behind them.
(There are a few types of cliff hangers, this one being a conversational one. One that is fun to write would be the action cliffhanger, wherein a character is suddenly charged or knocked over or even killed by another when the chapter ends.)
As far as I remember, you didn't have Luna involved at all with the story previously and this just seemed like he just generally didn't like her. This chapter could have been used to explain their relationship, since it was -as you described- 'an info dump', but oh well.
Wow, this had actually come out in quite a bit of time since the first chapter was released! Bravo!
Have to say I am not much of a fan that pretty much everyone seemed to have hated him but I know there will be reasons why. I just hope that things will improve for him soon.
Also a question, do you see the next chapter and future chapters coming out fairly soon after the current one becomes finished?
More plz
B). The hostily has a rather good reason to be there. And C). Applejack and Twilight have good reasons for their reactions.
Not something we as readers can judge yet, eh?
Also, I get the feeling Emeris doesn't really know princess Celestia, despite knowing her for two years. He's got a rather skewed perception of what she's ready to do. Impale him? Really? For something he'd no control over, didn't know he was the cause of, and didn't want? Doubtful.
Imnot an autobot!!!! *punches you in the face*
1481669
Well the hostility is probably from what would be essentially mind rape. I mean, everything had to fawn over him and generally offer themselves (mind and body) to him. Regardless of his reactions (do not want) or circumstances (cursed, can't control the power), they probably saw it as deliberate or at the very least callous, since he kept coming back to town when they'd rather he just left forever (not taking into effect the resulting self-exile and extreme loneliness).
I hope Pinkie is still friendly, since she seemed to see through the Gary Stu most of the time, seeing him for what he actually was (not a bad person and wouldn't let the power get to his head).
Also longer than I thought
1481948
Yes, quite possibly. Also, it might be misdirected anger; as in, they're angry with themselves about how they acted towards him (Twilight and Fluttershy nearly raped him!), and vent it on him because that's easier than working out their own problems and guilt.
1481987
Something like that as well. Tons of issues, so little time.
No. No they kind of don't. They have good reason to be mad, sure. But they are responsible for their own actions from this point forward. They are no longer being influenced by the GSE. They are throwing away every lesson about forgiveness and all that, over something that wasn't anyone's fault.
Unless he's still under the effects of the GSE, only in reverse or something.
1482355
Yeah, basically this. Having a reason for acting a certain way doesn't mean acting that way is justified.
1480700 I didn't do the cliffhanger as well as I'd hoped. It was meant to be a relatively minor cliffhanger but came off stronger than intended.
And Luna was offhandedly mentioned in the previous chapter as part of the group that broke his curse: Celestia, Luna, and the Mane Six. Emeris barely knows her as she was not able to completely resist the GSE as Celestia is able to. I hope the story continues to be enjoyable!
1481344 Most of the chapters probably aren't going to come out this quickly unfortunately.
And yeah, the everyone hating him thing is supposed to rub people wrong actually. It's supposed to feel excessive. And things will improve for him relatively slowly, but steadily. Part of the drama of the story is supposed to be how crap his lot has been, but how he deals with it. With maturity and grace rather than depression, anger, or other classic reactions.
1481401 Right away good sir/madam/stallion/mare!
1481669 I mentioned it because I fully expected it to be excessive, but didn't really feel like I had time to address their reasons while remaining within Emeris' PoV. Wanted to make sure the readers know that I'm aware of how it appears and that it's intentional
Also, good catch on Emeris' "knowing" Celestia! Mind you, things were really bad, and to say that Celestia didn't consider having him executed would be a lie. But yes, Emeris' doesn't really understand Celestia. It would've devestated the sun goddess to have to make the decision, but when the options appear to be letting him live and ponies keep being killed or turned into gibbering wrecks, or exiling him and having it still continue just at a slower rate... or having him killed and stopping it...
There's a reason that Emeris was considering letting her kill him.
1481948 That's the gist of it for most ponies, there are individual stories and issues though among everything else though that complicates matters and gets the individual reactions such as Applejacks (Hostility) and Twilights (Violent).
1481987 There's also this, among other things.
1482355 Maybe the GSE has been inverted. Maybe there's other issues complicating things further. Or maybe, no one in-story has the full picture. You'll have to keep reading to find out
I just hope it's entertaining enough to do so 
1482602 This is a good point! However, Applejack's reaction is mostly justified, Twilight's less so. But all Applejack did was deny him service and glare at him pretty bad.
Its not the best that i have read but it is funny so 8/10 kinda
man. good story, quick chapter upload too
Hopefully they'll all get alng soon once the whole explination is out!
1482355
This.
This chapter was so bad (in my opinion) that I nearly just quit after the part with Twilight. Everyone is so OOC (Celestia especially) that I just couldn't enjoy it. And no, Twilight and Applejack had no reason to do anything. Sure mad would be understandable, but to actually attack him and try to kill him (if it burned him that badly while not even being a direct hit, there's no telling what would have happened had it not missed)? No.
It's not his fault, he didn't like it any more than them, they should obviously understand that, and they all saw him go through unimaginable pain in order to get rid of it.
I'm sorry, but if that crap is going to be in this story, then tell me now so I can drop it. As it stands, the characters are just as OOC as they were when he still had the curse, only in the opposite direction this time.