Reports are starting to come from a town in the north. Stories of an earth pony able to use magic. But, the pony has become corrupted by the power. It has started to use this newfound power for evil purpose. Once these reports arrive to the princess, she sends in her most loyal and powerful student, Twilight Sparkle to investigate and to convince this mysterious pony to stop and change ways. But nothing is known about this strange pony. Will Twilight be able to discover the mystery behind this mysterious pony before things get out of hand?
Chapters (2)
Hello! My name is PaleRider and I am from the Freezecast Review crew!
I'm here to take a look at why your story is receiving so many downvotes or it's not receiving any attention at all, and give some support for you to improve.
Let's start!
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*Face at the beggining
*Finishes Reading
Normally I do some commical reviews and abuse of sarcasm. But this time, I going to give a more professional text.
To start, I like your history.
Good way to find a solution to the Alicorn OC curse. A earth pony that can use magic.
A cold and dark past, and insanity taking him over...
I'm a fan of Soul Eater, and Ashura is my favorite character from the show. So, your plot seems pretty good to me!
The problem lies in how you executed it.
Grammar! The grammar nazis are wanting your head! Run for your life!
You have some misspellings, conjugation problems, missing words, and wrong punctuation.
Your worst flaw seems to lie on this: [quote]“Yes, although…..none of them were a unicorn as famous as you. Ellipses are just three dots(...), no more, no less. If you want to use them on the start of a sentence, start a new paragraph.
I would change some sentence structure too, so my prescription is get a editor.
Your OC is fine I think...
Seeing that he is a villain and the story will have Twilight as main, I don't see where he could be the problem.
Maybe you need someone else to give you a opinion. I like him, and I can't tell for sure.
Anyway, I hope that I helped. And I will put your icy story on a place that she will feel fine!
Get down, 'cause "I think I see a barrage of snowballs!
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Even though Im a grammar Nazi I seriously don't see any spelling mistakes and I like the plot.
And what about the ellipses? Four dots? Five dots?
There's some sentences reapeating themselves like:
There's some more places that needs a little polish, but like I said, overrall this is good.
Problem is that about a OC, and I dunno why, but many people hate OC's.
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I would like to star off by saying thanks for the feedback. This just came as an idea. A "What if?" scenario of sorts.
Now onto the grammar. I there is only so much one person to do and I have been looking for someone to help me edit. As for the dots, I was trying to go for a pause in the speech. Somewhat like a dramatic pause. It is still something I am working on. As for the Grammar Nazis, I welcome them. They can help me. I welcome help. Being in college, I don't have a lot of time to look at every word and sentence. If Grammar Nazis come in and point something out, i'll fix it and tank them for the help.
As for the OC, hopefully in the next chapter it will explain why he gone insane and also how him and Permafrost meet. (Ideas jumping in my head at the moment). Twilight will stay as the main for now but I have thought of adding the others in. But, that's for another time.
Again, thank you for the feedback and hopefully it will improve with every chapter.
Nice he just scored.
Cool
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IX from Freezecast Reviewers, here to add my thoughts to our esteemed PaleRider's and take much less of a Devil's Advocate stance. Also, I don't like seeing stories with the last comment more than a week old. If you are one to be easily offended, please ignore this. No, seriously. I'm rather ... abrasive. Nah, don't actually ignore this; I seem to actually know what I'm doing once in a while ... so, without further ado, ON WITH THE COMMENTIN'
AT FIRST GLANCE
When I first looked at this, if I hadn't been trying to actually post a thoughtful, substantive comment, I would've just downvoted and left. In fact, I'd wager that at least one of your downvoters did just that; left without reading too much of your story. To be perfectly honest (well, I'm trying to be frank in writing this, but you get my drift), your description does you no favours, nor does your cover image. Let me quote:
Now, let me make this entirely clear: I like your story. With all its flaws, I really, honestly liked it. But others might not like the idea of an Earth Pony OC using magic. I mean, it's the whole basis of your story, so I'm not going to suggest you change it (quite the contrary, I agree with PaleRider in that regard), but you would do well to state it in a more, for lack of a good word, expressive form. Try something like this:
While this is probably too purple to put in your actual description, being poetic and descriptive is probably for the best, as this is a description, after all.
Then, don't use "corrupted." It's just too ... trope-y for jaded readers like myself. Or questions. Too predictable. How about something like this:
Again, flawed, but doesn't it pique the interest nicely?
But enough about your description.
FIRST CHAPTER
Oh, goddess save me. The grammar. It BURNS!
Seriously. Do I look like I'm lying? Stare into these orbs through thy screen. Do these blood-streaked eyne of mine LOOK like they like to read poor grammar?
Get an editor. I mean, there are entire GROUPS devoted entirely to giving authors criticism, help, and an editor. Just ask one of those people (nicely, mind you), and they'll probably
eventuallyhelp.But about the plot itself.
It progresses quite well until Twilight sees the hooded pony. One can imagine the shock and creepiness Twilight felt.
However, you seem to end it rather quickly after that. For Celestia's sake, add more detail! Explain more. That seems to be your main issue, in fact. Add detail, I can't stress it enough.
CHAPTERS TWO AND THREE
The content seems fine, but make sure that the medium you use is appropriate. Perhaps you could include some of Twilight's comments, and make it seem as if it's actually taking place IN the story, rather than as an aside/infodump.
You don't have too many things to change, but make sure you go over it thoroughly. And detail, can't stress it enough.
Otherwise, you get a
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IX
wait i thought you updated
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I did a short blog stating I was working on this story, even though I haven't touched it in a while. I've been pre-occupied with other projects and with finals around the corner, stressing out over those. I will get back to writing more chapters for this.