And here we go.

First English fic and first fic since a long long time, nearly ten years ago, I hope I'm not too much rusty.

for ease of reading I will put my author note in the first comment.

Edit (09/11/12) : I have a pre reader

Cédric

And that's a wrap, first chapter is over.

And by excluding Twilight, which is a main character, you almost have every secondary character of the first book.

For the two OC, I made then with the pony creator

Here you have Silver Charger

Image: http://img252.imageshack.us/img252/9877/silvercharger.jpg

And Winter Heart

Image: http://img832.imageshack.us/img832/9789/winterheart.jpg

For their names they were generated by a pony name generator, I'm not good with coming up with name, at least for pony.

Cédric

Pony names are literally "[Adjective/Noun] [Noun/Verb]"

So, just find some of those words that are relatable to their personalities/talent.  Also, the description kinda spoils it.  Specifically the A/N.

Anywho, off to read the story; I'll share my thoughts when I finish.

And with this chapter, we leave Canterlot for some time.

Feel free to comment this fics in good and in bad.

The fic will be slow since Twilight has never been outside of Canterlot and like in the show, she don't have many friend.

Good reading

Cédric

And after fighting my writer block who name is "Skyrim" by the way.

The third chapter is here.

The Twilight and Rainbow relationship start with a bang.

Good reading and don't be shy to comment.

Cédric

Interested. Faved. Thumb-upped. Let's see where this goes.

OK, first time trying out actual criticism... lets do this.

first off: the characterization is a little flat, the spoken lines almost all seem like they are from different forms of the same mind, feeling almost too formal and terse compared to the actual characters from the show. Twilight is decent but feels a tad uptight. But as I said there feels to be little to no difference between the tone and emotion of the various characters.

Grammar: there's a lot of questionable grammar insofar as missing words, plural and singular mess-ups, and awkward word choices.

Punctuation: quite a few punctuation errors like commas where ellipses would be more apt in speech, that was the most predominantly noticeable but there were a few other errors that I saw

Description: description is rather lacking in some places with more of a focus on spoken words, rather than the setting, for example if the readers didn't already know what sweet apple acres was we'd have no idea if was a farm instead of say, a bakery of sorts with applebucking being a certain baking technique (which Twilight doesn't actually know what applebucking is in the show until AJ explains it to her) so flesh out description a bit describe the journey there and not have the departure from the library and the arrival at the farm taking up two sentences.

Page breaks: You have none... whenever there is a scene change there should be a page break to help the reader realize that there was a scene change

other than that I'm enjoying the universe you've created, just flesh out the story a bit with description and have better characterization, and I look forward to seeing where you take this.

For some reason Winter Heart reminds me of the android from  DBZ . 18?

This story reads like a manga instead of an American toon...

also Shiny is an ass

>>17379951737995

Hey, thank you very much.

>>17434401743440

Yeah that right, my Description is very lacking, I'm working on it for the next chapter and for the characterisation I'm rewatching in loop the first episodes to have a better feel of the  character.

For  the page break  I will try something for the next chapter.

>>17624261762426

Now that you say it, they are kind of look alike but I promise that wasn't my intention.

What do you mean "read like a manga instead of a American toon" ? can you develop?

That kind of funny, a American cartoon that we read like a Japanese manga but writing by a European guy.

And for Shiny, I will just say that he won't be a ass for a long time.

Thank you for your comments, I working on the next chapter but my job take a lot of my time, sorry.

Cédric

oh cool a new chapter. but i kinda lost track of what happened before. Might need to re-read the story before.

[edit] : well i re-read the whole thing, and things are looking great, can't wait for what's next

>>19208301920830

Thank you very much. I was afraid to lose a lot of people with the part that describes the six pictures.

And now with so many sub-plot fired at the same time, I'm worried at least one will be on my foot.

Thank again.

Cédric