Broken Friends And Broken Eyes

wat

wat #1 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · · 1 ·

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>inb4 TWE

Dubs Rewatcher

Dubs Rewatcher #2 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · · 1 ·

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1428750
I've got a bad feeling.

Mill

Mill #3 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · · 1 ·

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>nocaps title and description

Because this can only go well.

Drakewaffles

Drakewaffles #4 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · · 1 ·

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geez 2 thumbs down already? You're right I forgot to capitalize some letters, thats my fault I forgot to do that I would like to thank you I'll take every thing you say into account just tell me what I messed up on and I'll try to fix it

Dubs Rewatcher

Dubs Rewatcher #5 · Oct 12th, 2012 · · · 1 ·

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Review time? Yes, no, maybe so?

--

First off, capitalization. Your title is all lowercase. It should be: "Broken Friends and Broken Eyes." Which, by the way, is a pretty decent title! You have lots of problems with capitalization, in the description as well as the story.

my name is Derpy Hooves and this.... is how I got my eyes

"My name is Derpy Hooves, and this... is how I got my eyes."
Not a very good description, really. It should be longer. Also, that ellipsis (WHICH SHOULD BE THREE DOTS, NO MORE, NO LESS) is pretty useless.

Remember, EVERY sentence should start with a capital letter. Even dialogue.

She rolls onto her back and stares to the best of her ability at the beautiful night sky the wonderful stars and the breathtaking moon, it was one of the few things she could count on to be there to make her feel better.

This is a run-on sentence. Place commas into it to break it up. Funnily enough, the one comma you do have I would replace with either a semicolon, emdash, or I would make it a separate sentence.

“Hey Derpy!” A smiling rainbow maned Pegasus calls out, waving one of her cyan hooves.

"Hey, Derpy!" a smiling rainbow-maned pegasus calls out, waving one of her cyan hooves.
See what I did there?

“o-oh hi Dash” the grey Pegasus answers wiping away her tears, she waves back.

"She waves back" should be a separate sentence, or "waving back."

This is going pretty fast. Put some more description in! A bit more dialogue between RD and Derpy before they get to the main plot.

The only stupid thing you’ve ever done was think that you’re stupid, understand?”

I really like this line. Kudos.

I know that ponies teasing you makes you upsets but their not going to stop until you do something about it.”

"I know that the ponies teasing you make you upset, but they're not going to stop until you do something about it."
The rest of the paragraph is good.

Capitalize "Pinkie Promise."

I like Rainbow's revelation, but that mane color is pretty damn weird. I'd just say white.
And I really like Derpy's response. Much better than I was expecting.

There’s no way for me to hide my eyes even if I wore glasses I’d feel bad about deceiving other ponies!”

That's kinda strange, man. Seems like you were straining for a reason for her to object.

Rainbow just getting up and going away is a bit out-of-character. I would think that she would be arguing and trying to help more. She is Loyalty, after all.

The paragraph afterward where she goes to her house is very fast. More description! Use your five senses! Also, if I may suggest a change to the story: you know where Derpy falls asleep in the field. Show us her dream. And make that dream the story of the hit-and-run. It works much better than your attempt at making the newspaper dramatic.

The accident scene goes VERY fast. Again, more description. How are Derpy and Vinyl friends? Where are they? What is everypony thinking as the accident happens?

--

Honestly, it wasn't awful. There were a lot of errors, but nothing that can't be corrected with help from an editor and some hard work. Good luck, and keep writing!

-Dubs Rewatcher, TWE Reviewer

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