The eight heroes stood in the middle of Ponyville, watching its residents slowly start to re-populate the streets. Behind them, Spike walked out from the library, rubbing out the sleep from his eyes.
“Hey Twilight…” Spike said sleepily, before yawning. “What’s going on? You’re back from Canterlot already?”
“Spike!” Twilight said, spinning around. “Are you just waking up?”
“Uh… yeah,” Spike said. “But don’t worry,” he said, turning back towards the library and opening the door. “I cleaned up the library as soon as you left yesterday, so-“ Spike stopped as he saw the inside of the library. Books were tossed all over the place, only a few still remained on the shelves. “Wh-what happened?! I swear I cleaned it Twilight! There must’ve been a storm inside or something-“
“Spike, settle down!” Twilight said. “We know what happened, Trixie was here looking for information on the Elements of Harmony.”
“Trixie?” Spike said, pondering for a second. “You mean that unicorn that came into town that one time and brought in an Ursa Minor? Why would she want to learn about the Elements of Harmony?”
“It’s a long story,” Twilight said. “To summarize, Discord’s loose again, he’s teamed up with an evil king from the Mushroom Kingdom named Bowser, kidnapped Princess Celestia, Luna, and Peach, and we’re all trying to stop him. Trixie’s trying to beat us to the punch and take the glory for herself.”
“D-D-Discord’s loose?” Spike stammered. “Uhhhh… I’d love to help, Twi, but see, this library isn’t gonna clean itself, y’know? So, I’d better-“
“Hold on, Spike,” Twilight said. “I need you to take a letter for me.”
“Oh, uh… sure, Twilight,” Spike said. He quickly went inside, and came out with a scroll and quill.
“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight dictated. “I am writing to inform you that we have located the Elements of Harmony, and are on our way to rescue you. Please do not worry, as we will be there as soon as we can.”
“Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle. There, did you get all that, Spike?”
“Sure did, Twilight.” Spike nodded, rolling up the scroll. “So, you want me to send it?”
“Of course,” Twilight said. Spike nodded, and took a deep breath, before blowing a small, green flame that incinerated the parchment almost instantaneously. The smoke trailed off into the distance, heading to the west.
“Well,” Twilight said, watching the smoke trail away. “That at least gives us some idea of where to go.”
The group waited for a moment, the Yoshi that had been following them jabbering away at Spike, who he seemed to think was a small Yoshi of some sort. As everyone laughed as Spike tried to get away from the dinosaur, Luigi suddenly doubled over again.
Spike stopped and looked at the plumber. “What’s wrong with him?”
“It must be the Princess,” Twilight said, as Luigi started coughing. “She’s been using Luigi as sort of a stand-in you, at least as far as receiving mail is concerned.”
“Hey, as long as it gives me a break,” Spike said. “Getting letters from the Princess does not feel pleasant.”
At that moment, Luigi belched loudly, green flames spewing from his mouth. As the flames disappeared, a scroll rolled out onto the grass. Twilight promptly picked up the scroll, unfurled it, and began reading.
“Dear Twilight Sparkle,”
“We are all very happy to hear that you have located the Elements of Harmony. If we ever had any doubts of you all succeeding before (which we didn’t), they have been erased completely. I’m certain that you all will be here before very long, and when you stand up to Bowser and Discord, you’ll make short work of them.
“I feel that I should inform you of some strange goings-on here, however…”
Princess Celestia lay on the floor of the (quite nicely furnished) cell, writing out the letter to her faithful student. She paused for a moment, glancing over at Peach, who was walking over from the bars of the cell, having attempted to talk with the guards.
“I just don’t know what the matter with them is,” Peach said, sitting down beside the Equestrian princess. “I’ve gotten to know the guards quite well with all my visits here, I’ve even met a few of their families…” She looked over to the guards, who stood straight as boards, stern looks on their faces. “But now, they won’t even talk to me, they just shout for me to get away from the bars.”
“Perhaps that shelled miscreant has revised his training,” Luna suggested, joining her cellmates.
Peach shook her head. “That doesn’t sound like the Bowser I know. He’s been using the same tactics for years now, despite repeated failure. He’s too stubborn to admit his own strategies aren’t working, and blames it on the soldiers’ competence instead.” She glanced over at the guards again. “And… it may just be my imagination or the lighting… but do they look somewhat… grey to you?”
They all stopped as they heard angry shouting coming from somewhere above. Which was impressive, considering that above them was foot-thick stone.
“Hm. Something seems to be upsetting Bowser…” Peach noted.
“WHAT’S THE BIG IDEA, GOAT-FACE?!” Bowser shouted, fuming. He glared up at Discord, who was currently sitting in Bowser’s throne.
“Oh, I’m sorry, is this your seat?” Discord said with a grin. “Sorry about that, I’ll move if it’s upsetting you that much.”
“It’s not that! Of course, now that you mention it, you can get out of my throne, too!” Bowser shouted. “It’s about my soldiers!”
“Whatever do you mean?” Discord said. “I happen to think that they’re working quite diligently, don’t you?”
“That’s the problem!” Bowser said. “They’re not using any of my strategies! The Goombas aren’t just marching forward! They’re actually jumping! The green-shelled Koopas are actually turning around at ledges! Those aren’t my strategies! And they’re all grey and junk!”
“Oh, yes, that,” Discord said. He disappeared in a flash, and reappeared next to Bowser. “Well, I may have revised a few of your strategies, and had a talking to with some of your soldiers-“
Bowser grabbed Discord around the throat. “Listen up, buddy! You and I gotta get a few things straight! First, nobody but me changes my troops’ orders! Second, I’m the one in charge here, I make the decisions!”
There was another flash, and Bowser was left holding a long balloon, which popped in his clutch, causing him to tumble back in surprise, falling onto his rump. Discord reappeared in front of Bowser, looking him in the eyes. “You? Make decisions? Don’t make me laugh. You barely have the brains needed to choose what you want for breakfast!”
“Watch it, pal!” Bowser growled. “Don’t forget who you’re talking to!”
“Ah yes, the mighty King Bowser!” Discord said sarcastically. “What exactly are you king of, anyway? All I see around this castle is rock and lava. Not the best land for building a kingdom, if you ask me. Not to mention the fact that you frequently have your shell handed to you by a blue-collar slob! You can’t even get a girlfriend without shoving her in a prison cell!”
“You… you shut it!” Bowser said, his rage faltering.
Discord’s eyes began to swirl with dizzying rings. “Face it, you’re nothing but a joke. You can’t run an army, you can’t defeat your foes, you can’t get the girl; what are you king of? Nothing. You’re King Nothing, ruler of nothing. And when you rule nothing, you can’t even be a king! What does that leave you as? Why, if you guessed nothing, you’d be absolutely right, for the first time in your sad, little life!”
“You’re… you’re right…” Bowser said, his eyes swirling to match Discord’s. “I’m nothing… I’m weak… I’m stupid…” Bowser blinked, and the colour seemed to drain from his scales, his shell, everything. “I can’t do anything right…” Bowser simply hung his head, sitting on the stone floor.
“Glad we got that sorted out,” Discord said. He snapped his fingers, and two greyed out Koopas rushed into the throne-room. “Would you mind escorting our guest out? He’s starting to depress me, and I have important business to attend to. Try to find a nice ditch to dump him in, he deserves that much.”
“Of course, Lord Discord,” The Koopas took Bowser under the arms, and slowly dragged him out of the throne room. With that, Discord snapped once again, and disappeared from the throne room.
Author’s Note: Hope you’re all enjoying the story so far! I’m going to be taking a break for a bit, maybe a couple weeks, but don’t worry, I’ll be back after That’s cute, really, that you think anyone actually cares about your little story.
… Alright, I need to be getting to bed. I’m starting to see Please stop typing for a moment, I’m trying to talk.
… That’s better. Now, as I was saying, do you honestly think anyone’s actually reading this? Honestly, this has to be the worst story I’ve ever read. And I’ve read the entire Twilight series cover to cover. You’re a hack, to be perfectly honest. You seem to think of yourself as this great writer, but really, you’re no more special than those fourteen year-old girls that write slash fiction all night and day. Really, if I were you, I’d quit while you’re… No, that wouldn’t work either, as you can’t even say that you’re ahead! So, I guess I’d just quit.
Be seeing you!
Author’s Note: Actually, that break is gonna last a lot longer than a week. As of now, Mario & Luigi: Of Ponies and Plumbers is cancelled. I doubt you actually care, but whatever, it’s a shitty story anyway, and it’s been eating up too much of my time. I’m gonna go play some TF2 or something.