• Member Since 2nd Dec, 2011
  • offline last seen May 20th, 2015

Donnys Boy


My name is Donny's Boy. I ship ponies.

T

There are costs to being nice, to being the pony who's always kind, to being the pony who tries so hard to make everyone smile. Terrible, terrible costs.

This is (not) a love story.

(Rated teen for alcohol consumption, non-explicit sexual content, and mature emotional themes.)

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 74 )
a3V

“I think I'm in love you.”

I believe you missed a word there, Boy of Donny.

Thanks for writing this fic!

You already know I adore this.

Best story. :heart:

Very very enjoyable, and a very interesting take on their relationship, and the effects of the show on the two. There were a few things that left me scratching my head though...

“I’m not broken,” whispered Pinkie with utter, sincere conviction, “and you’re not gonna break me. Not ever, never, you silly filly.”

Followed by...

There was a pause, a brief yet merciless silence, before Pinkie whispered in reply, “Even though I’m broken?”

This, as far as I am aware, the night before, followed by the next morning. It's kinda confusing, and I had to read it three times to make sure that it was Pinkie. I probably missed something in the inner emotions, but I'm tired, so whatever.

The second thing, and it's not even in the story itself...

There are costs to being nice, to being the pony who's always kind, to being the pony who tries so hard to make everyone smile. Terrible, terrible costs.

This is (not) a love story.

The first part... I can KINDA see it, but not really. Sure, everything almost fell apart between the two because of Iron Will, but it didn't. There wasn't a "terrible cost" at all!

The second part... well... now that I look at it, the parenthesis make much more sense now, but also somewhat misleading.

Now, before you get depressed and jump off of a bridge with a rock tied to your feet, I really did enjoy the story. It was short, sweet, and completely undeserving of the dark tag you put on it. :rainbowwild: Though I have no idea why the very first rate that this story got was a downvote... so I'll upvote to make sure to counter it :pinkiehappy:

I'm not a very good critic. But I can say that I enjoyed it, a lot. I suppose that's unsurprising for a Donny's Boy. Tad bit ironically, I just finished Like an Unexpected Song today. I believe I followed it up to about chapter 4, but I stalled for reasons. Loved that one as well. Just FYI I guess :rainbowhuh:

Woah. I hate and love this kind of story. So uncomfortable to read but... yeah. Nice work with this one.

Fluttershy warned me she had evil gypsy powers and the voluminous hair of a temptress!

“You’re everything I’ve always been afraid of, and you’ve everything I never want to be.”
edit - "you're"

I don't know why I misread the tag, but I thought that this story was incomplete when I read it, and thought that there would be more to come.

You did touch on the terrible price that Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie pay by being kind and wearing smiles, but I have to agree with 1443188, you could have done more and gone deeper with that. Just my personal opinion.

Also, this part confuses me a bit.
It had all began with Iron Will, those many years ago, but the ending? The ending was something Fluttershy dared not think too much about. The ending was something Fluttershy was too afraid to think too much about.
Did we see the ending? This sounds like it's talking about a breakup, not two ponies getting together. Also, I don't know why Fluttershy would be too afraid to think too much about the events that happened later in the chapter.

This is gorgeous, and there needs to be more of it. A very refreshing take on FlutterPie.

I absolutely adore your writing! Its what inspired me to start writing myself :pinkiesmile: This is an excellent approach to a rare ship and I loved every moment of it :heart:

This is nice. Not as dark as I was expecting going in, but kind of sweet instead.

Wow.
Maybe I'm interpreting this wrong.
So uh, at the end there... Rarity and Fluttershy had had a fight and Fluttershy took it out on Pinkie Pie violently?
Um, I'd have to say that they are both broken heh
It's a very touching story, but I'll refrain from calling it beautiful
(I mean obviously if I'm wrong about the "spousal abuse" thing then clearly I've completely missed the boat here and will have to revisit once its been clarified)
Definately a high price to pay for always being kind/being the pony there for your friends no matter what they need.

1443383
The ending Fluttershy doesn't want to think about, at that point, is where she fears her relationship with Pinkie will lead. I think what we see here, in this story, is proof that her fears are misplaced; they do love each another. The Bad Ending won't happen.

1443610 Rather than domestic abuse, I'm pretty sure it's implying BDSM, where Flutters tops. Hard. The difference being that it's consensual.

I do believe this has been miss-tagged because I did not get dark out of this at all, hell I didn't even get a sad vibe out of this story. I liked the story it just seems to have one to many tags. :pinkiehappy:

Loved the story, it's nice to have some multi-dimensionality when a fair number of the stories I read are either Happy-Fluttershy or Sad-Fluttershy and Default-Over-The-Top-Oh-My-Gosh-Crazy-Pinkie or Pinkamena. There's not so many that have an righteously angry Fluttershy or a more sedate Pinkie. That being said there's one thing that bothers me.
I get that Fluttershy's half of the "terrible, terrible costs" is that there are times where she has to let go of kindness and say how she truly feels about ponies, and how there are times where she has to take what she wants without caring about how others will react, like when she kissed Pinkie.
But I don't know what Pinkie's issue is. Why is she "broken"? When you look at Flutters' issue, it seems like Pinkie should either stop caring about making others happy or just cut loose and be angry.
But she doesn't.
Is the reason Pinkie is "broken" that she cares so much about other ponies being happy that she overlooks her own well-being? I mean, she wants Flutters to hit her if it will make her feel better, even though it will hurt. She's in physical pain, but says she isn't so others don't worry. It seems to me that they both give so much of themselves to others that they have to have moments of weakness, and that makes them broken in their own eyes; Fluttershy has to say how she really feels regardless of who it hurts, and Pinkie needs to have someone make her feel better without her needing to say it.
But I'm not sure. Am I right that that's why Pinkie thinks there's something wrong with her?

That was very amazing. Other then the few spelling and grammar errors (although, they can't really ruin a story) it was beautiful.

1443129
Thanks for reading and for catching the typo!

1443135
Thanks, Prof. :twilightsmile:

1443188
Heya. As always, thanks for droppin' by and leaving your thoughts. :pinkiehappy:

Re: "I'm not broken," it was just meant to show that what Fluttershy said the night before had gotten under Pinkie's skin more than Pinkie had let on. Re: the summary description, the terrible costs were envisioned more as emotional unhealthiness more than anything else and were meant to refer to the beginning of the story (the chronological beginning) more so than the end of it. I'm sorry for the confusion and my failure to get that across.

The "dark" tag was something I waffled over for a long time. I might end up taking it off--as this is "light dark," at the most--but I put it on 'cause I figured better safe than sorry. *shrug*

1443215
Oh, thanks! I'm glad you liked both stories.

1443232
Thanks! For what it's worth, it was a bit uncomfortable to write, too.

1443259
*snort!*

1443383
Thank you for the catch! That should be fixed, now.

Thanks also for the feedback. It's good to know that this felt incomplete or not as ... deep, I guess? perhaps well-explained? ... as it ought to have been. Re: the bit about Fluttershy being afraid of the ending, it wasn't meant to refer to her relationship to Pinkie so much as her fears of what she might become if she really loosened her control over herself, as Pinkie's urged her to do. I'm sorry I didn't convey that well.

1443423
Thanks! :twilightsmile: FlutterPie is one of my fave ships, but I think it's one with a lot of conflict and potential angst built in, so I thought I'd explore those possible elements of it.

1443497
Oh, gosh, that's a really huge compliment. Thank you so much. :twilightblush: :twilightsmile:

1443603
Thanks! And yeah, I'm thinking of taking off the "dark" tag.

1443610
1443693
It's not meant to be abuse. It's more in the realm of what Otterbee mentioned, though I don't think either Fluttershy or Pinkie would necessarily think of or describe their relationship in those terms. Pinkie's a very willing and happy participant in everything that occurs in the story--but the question of why she's such a willing and happy participant is where some of the exploration of unhealthiness is meant to come in.

Also, for what it's worth, I don't think I'd call this story beautiful, either. I'm not sure what I would call it, but I don't think I'd call it that.

1443629
Yeah, largely. *nod* Also, fear of self. (It has always seemed to me that, of all of Fluttershy's many fears, she might fear herself the most.)

1443744
And another vote for "not dark." *nod* Thanks. Think this means I should probably take off the tag, then ...

1444218
Yep, you've pretty much nailed it exactly. This in particular: "It seems to me that they both give so much of themselves to others that they have to have moments of weakness, and that makes them broken in their own eyes ..."

And my characterization could be way, way off. I was just struck, in Pinkie's big "Smile" number, as to how other-focused she is. It's almost definitely me over-analyzing the song, but especially the lines "Come on, everypony, smile, smile, smile/Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine" made me wonder ... well, what if they don't smile? Is Pinkie's heart empty, then? What makes Pinkie happy besides others' happiness?

I dunno. These are the things I ponder over, heh. *shrug*

1444266
Thank you! I think most of the errors ought to be fixed now (fingers crossed).

1444397 interesing read Donny, I get that vibe from Pinkie myself, that she needs others to be happy.

1444397

Heh, now I'm even MORE confused! :rainbowlaugh: Help me out here with this timeline of this story. I'm seeing it as...

- Night before: Pinkie says "I'm not broken"
- The... oooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That long "oh" was me finally GETTING it. Alright. I see now. Pinkie got slightly defensive the night before when she said "I'm not broken", but it had really hurt when Fluttershy actually said it. The next morning, she still remembered, and it still hurt. GOT IT!!

I think... :pinkiehappy:

1444397>>1444454 In my opinion, it really doesn't take much in the way of analyzation to see that Pinkie—if the show was even a touch more realistic—would be crippled by her overt co-dependency issues. In her eyes, an inability to make someone happy, let alone make them her friend, is a serious personal failure to be obsessed about and rectified no matter the cost.

I was just struck, in Pinkie's big "Smile" number, as to how other-focused she is. It's almost definitely me over-analyzing the song, but especially the lines "Come on, everypony, smile, smile, smile/Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine" made me wonder ... well, what if they don't smile? Is Pinkie's heart empty, then?

Pretty much; we've seen this right in the show. When she thought that none of her closest friends found her or her parties entertaining anymore, she spiraled into a depression and turned violently introverted.

That said, I really enjoyed your take on her (and Fluttershy, of course) in this story. It was just how I'd imagine she'd react in a situation like this, the poor thing. Good work.

1444397

I was just struck, in Pinkie's big "Smile" number, as to how other-focused she is. It's almost definitely me over-analyzing the song, but especially the lines "Come on, everypony, smile, smile, smile/Fill my heart up with sunshine, sunshine" made me wonder ... well, what if they don't smile? Is Pinkie's heart empty, then?

Why those lines and not these?

There's one thing that makes me happy
And makes my whole life worthwhile
And that's when I talk to my friends and get them to smile

in love you.”. in love with you

Interesting, definitely not what you'd consider a 'normal' love story.

Well, I have never had a lot of faith in FlutterPie, to put it lightly. 'Shy just never seemed like the kind of pony who could really help Pinkie with her various issues and be a really positive influence on her. This story.. didn't help. :twilightsheepish: In fact, I had never even thought of anything like this, but it makes enough sense to deeply disturb me. It's not abuse.. It's all consensual and Pinkie is happy to be a part of it, because making others happy makes her happy. But it's not BDSM either. It's just very wrong. For both of them. 'Shy doesn't solve her issues, but just gets a.. release valve of sorts. Pinkie, meanwhile, takes it upon herself to be the punching bag for everything which troubles 'Shy. Just.. not right.

But I need you to understand that this is actually meant as very high praise. It is not often that a story manages to evoke such an emotional response in me, and even if it was a negative one that still points towards a high quality of writing. I find the content rather disturbing and displeasing, but I can only praise you for what you have managed to create here. A truly marvelous job.

Why isn't there more pinkieshy??? I mean twi and dash, rarity and aj, octavia and vinyl, they're all complete opposites of each other, but there's not much pinkieshy out there :(

What a strange take on Fluttershy's personality. It makes for an interesting story, but it seems completely out of character for her. Pinkie Pie made sense. I can easily see her letting herself be hurt in order to help a friend, and even enjoying being hurt for that same reason. But I just can't see Fluttershy hurting another pony and then doing it again and again. Even when she completely lost it after meeting Iron Will, she felt so bad that she tied herself up to chair.

However, it did make for an interesting story. I'm just not sure if Fluttershy was the right character to tell that story.

1444397

Also, for what it's worth, I don't think I'd call this story beautiful, either. I'm not sure what I would call it, but I don't think I'd call it that.

I found it kind of...haunting in a way. I think it is indeed beautiful, though I didn't find it beautiful in that kind of sunshine, flowers and sparkles way that romance is usually portrayed. I found it beautiful in its bleakness, its sadness, and its pain.

You may not have written a story that fits the traditional idea of beauty, but real, true beauty isn't always so easy on the eyes. Sometimes, its ugly too.


...If that made any sense.


......And if you couldn't tell, I really liked the story.

Dark, but definitely unlike anything else I have read, so props for that! It was refreshing to see an unique spin on a ship (even if the ship itself isn't all that common), and you executed it well.

Nice work, DB!

"(not) a love story" my ass... that was all kinds of adorable and i loved every line of it :ajsmug::heart:

1444397

I guess my main concern is that Pinkie seems to be providing an unhealthy outlet for Fluttershy's repressed anger.
The agression may be consentual, and maybe it ends up in some "hot sexxings" but it isnt resolving Fluttershy's core problem.
Especially when you can see at the end that she just goes back to Rarity all happy smiles, everything forgiven, no apologies necessary, oh but next time you piss me off I'll go hit Pinkie some more!

...Yeah, um, so maybe I'm kind of overly protective given it's Pinkie here ^^;

Dont get me wrong, it's an excellent story, and given the purpose was to show an unhealthy relationship I think you've managed to do so wonderfully, and I'm thumbing it up because it's well written and everything, and I just....I hate it lol
I mean I really hate the content.
I hate the fact that Pinkie is letting herself be abused so that Fluttershy can just go on being kind to everyone else because she cant bare to pony up and deal with her emotions properly.
I hate that Pinkie thinks it's ok, and that she's so desperate to be there for Fluttershy and be the one to make her "better" that she's willing to be physically injured because she derives her entire self worth from other ponies.
I hate the fact that I know that if anyone found out about it Fluttershy would cry, and Pinkie would tell her it's ok, and everyone would cave in and comfort them because it's Fluttershy crying and that's just intollerable and nothing would be done to fix them!
There's a right way and a wrong way to help someone deal with their problems, and this story does a great job of showing the wrong way.
It makes me want to scream.
Which I think maybe was kind of the point.
Which I guess means you did good?

Well, that was deliciously unhealthy. :pinkiecrazy:

I went in expecting a breakup. Instead it ended on an adorable note, so it was easy to forget all the emotional darkness going on. Fluttershy abusing (sort of) Pinkie to relieve stress is not an interpretation I would've thought of, but if she needs to do it – well, it's easy to see why Pinkie would accept and enjoy it. Which is a bit creepy. I also like that they both explicitly think that they're "broken" as a result – a very harmful thing to think about oneself, as we see when Pinkie has to clarify that Fluttershy loves her despite her brokenness.

Interesting take on FlutterPie. A lot of commenters are noting the unhealthiness of the relationship; while I wouldn't say it's damaging, per se, it's hardly the optimal way to work through psychological issues. I would like to note that all of the Elements (and indeed a not-insignificant number of other ponies) at times display behaviours that are hardly indicators of a healthy mind. They are cartoon characters, in the end; weakness is exaggerated so that it forms either a) a memorable character attribute or b) an obvious target to be "fixed". Although honestly I'd be descending upon Ponyville with a swarm of psychologists.

1445049
That's the first line I thought of too.

1444454
Thanks! And yeah, Pinkie is an interesting one, I think.

1444725
There are multiple interpretations, I think, but that's definitely one of 'em. :twilightsmile:

1444756
Thanks, Kyro. As for the source of Fluttershy's desire for Pinkie ... I kinda tried to hint at that, back in the middle section. Sorry it didn't really come across well.

1444758
Mmm, yeah. I had "Party of One" in mind too when creating this characterization for Pinkie.

1445049
That line works too, definitely. Really, just the overall vibe of the song made me think two things simultaneously: (1) It's kinda sweet that Pinkie tries so hard to make others happy and (2) This can't be totally healthy.

1445493
That line oughta be fixed, now, I believe. And I'll take "interesting." Heh.

1445583
Thanks for the feedback and for the kind words! For whatever it's worth, I tried to show that, by story's end, their relationship was being nudged onto a healthier path. But really, this story was never meant as a FlutterPie apologetic. It's a different beastie entirely.

1445859
I do now know! I am entirely in support of more PinkieShy.

1446218
For whatever it's worth, the characterization for 'Shy was meant to be ... perhaps not "strange," but somewhat atypical. I wasn't aiming for OOC, though, of course, and I'm sorry if that's where I ended up landing. I just get this impression (from episodes like "Suited for Success," "Best Night Ever," and "Putting Your Hoof Down") that Fluttershy goes through this sort of cycle of repress-repress-repress-EXPLODE. Which terrifies her, as you point out. I figured maybe she'd go this route if she truly thought it was reasonably safe, that Pinkie wanted this too (and I tried to show that Pinkie's the one who actually instigates), etc., etc.

I wouldn't put this forth as the characterization of Fluttershy, by any means, but it's possible that this just doesn't work even as a possible characterization of Fluttershy. I tried to be thoughtful and deliberate, not glib, but maybe I just missed the ball here. I'm sorry, if so.

1447135
That makes a lot of sense. And thank you--that's a wonderful compliment to receive.

1449030
Thanks! Professor Piggy's view of FlutterPie as a ship Doomed To Fail has really infected my brain, so I felt compelled to try to write something a bit different for the ship.

1449535
Heh. Thank you. :twilightsmile:

1449540
I think all of those concerns are very good concerns to have, for whatever it's worth. I tried to show in the ending--and apparently failed, for which I am sorry--that the relationship between Pinkie and 'Shy ... well, it's still not in the healthiest of places, but it's been nudged onto a path that could lead to somewhere healthy. Fluttershy's baking muffins, back-rub, and confession of love were meant to show that she does care about Pinkie, for Pinkie, and Pinkie's reply of "Even though I'm broken?" was meant to show that Pinkie knows not all is well between them.

I mention all of this just to try to explain where I was coming from and trying to take this, by the way, not to necessarily convince you. And if you'd like to thumbs down the story, please don't feel as though you can't/shouldn't do so. I mean, I'm human, I want everyone to like my stories and all that--but if you think it deserves a thumbs down, then you think it deserves a thumbs down.

1449854
Oh, hey, thanks for droppin' by and for leaving your thoughts! :twilightsmile: And it's meant to be creepy. Maybe not the rough and tumble so much as Pinkie's own wants and desires being limited to "whatever Fluttershy wants," I think.

1450027
Heh, yeah. I think "not optimal" is more than a fair assessment.

1450139
Nah, it's not just you. A lot of folks didn't see what I'd hoped to put in there, which means the problem was the writing itself. Oh, well. Something to file away for next time. :twilightsmile:

And, for whatever it's worth, I don't find that your stories shriek everything. I think you strike a pretty good balance between subtlety and obscurity, in general.

This was an odd story, not at all what I expected when I started reading it.

That's good though, becuse I can't recall ever reading anything quite like this, it was refreshing and nice.

It took me waaay to long to understand why Pinkie's shoulder hurt though, I blame being tired. :rainbowlaugh:

Thanks for giving me part of my daily dosage of lesbian horses.

It had all began with Iron Will

It had all begun with Iron Will.

or

It began with Iron Will.

Nice story :twilightsmile:

1450131

You're welcome!

I really enjoy a love story that has that kind of bleak, desolate feel to it. Because it's real, you know? Real love isn't always pretty or easy and I love to read something "romantic" that conveys that kind of stark reality.

You gave me that and I'm glad I took the time to read this, even though it's not a pairing that really tickles my fancy.

Deep, with a side of shipping...I like it!

"It had all began with Iron Will"

"had all began with Iron Will"

"all began with Iron Will"

"began with Iron Will"

"with Iron Will"

"Iron Will"




by the gods brain! what have you gotten into!

nice story but didnt kinda got a good grip though.

1450131 Indeed, it's the reasoning behind it which is creepy, not the physicality itself.

And mate, a good author I'm following posted a grim FlutterPie. How could I not drop by? :rainbowwild:

1450131

But I dont think it deserves a thumb down.
That's the thing, it's a really good story, I just hate some parts of it because of the story that's being told.
There's nothing wrong with that.
(By way of example, I've read the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. Love the series, but it contains some slightly graphics parts that I've hated and made me want to throw up! I'd still recommend the hell out of it to people though)

I'm not denying that their relationship could lead to something healthy, but I think what most made me feel like it wasnt going there was that Flutters had no real confrontation with Rarity at the end.
The backrubs, the muffins, etc, they're....nice...but there are plenty of abusive husbands out there who buy their wives flowers afterwards because "they never really meant to hurt her", so I dont particularly see them as indicating that their relationship is moving in the right direction.
Maybe if the ending had been more of Flutters saying to Rarity "We need to talk..." as opposed to the blind "all is forgiven and forgotten" it would have suggested it a bit more clearly that things would be better, as now Fluttershy is dealing with the root problem at hand, which would mean she wouldn't need to use Pinkie the same way in the future to release her bottled anger.
I'm still not going to be happy about Flutters using Pinkie the way she is for any period of time, but as you've said, it's consensual and it really isnt my place to tell Pinkie and Fluttershy how they can and cant love each other.
Besides at least if Flutters was going to "get better" then it would mean their whole relationship dynamic would change in the future

Uhm...in your first paragraph after the quote.
I don't think "oftener"...okay, never mind, my spell check is saying that it is a word.
But the phrase you used...I always heard people say "More often than not"
I've never heard "Oftener than not"
I don't know why i'm still typing, my point is moo (kinda like a cows opinion) but this was veyy well written and i always enjoy your work. Looking forward to your next story

First up, because I've been feeling a little sick to my stomach about the thought that this story can be read, potentially, as a justification or defense of abusive relationships: That was never my intention. My intention was to show a relationship that is unhealthy, in some respects, but not a relationship that's abusive. For relationships that are abusive, I would never suggest that the abused partner should stick around and see if the relationship gets better--the abused partner should get out, after taking steps to put together an exit plan in order to leave in as safe a way as possible. (It's known that many abusers escalate their violence if they feel they are losing control or think the abused partner is about to leave.)

For anyone who has concerns about a relationship they're in--or who would like to get help for someone they know who is in an abusive relationship--a good resource is 1-800-799-SAFE, which is an intimate partner violence hotline. A good online resource is the booklet "Domestic Violence: The Facts," originally published by the now-defunct non-profit Peace at Home.

Thus endeth this Public Service Announcement. Thanks.

1450237
Quite possibly the case. Thanks for the suggestion!

1450351
Glad to hear you thought it was a refreshing take. Thanks!

1450405
Thanks!

1450994
Oh, good, I'm glad you felt that came across. I've been wringing my hands a bit that I've accidentally written an apologetic for abusing your loved ones, when I did not mean that to be the take-away message at all.

1453147
Not familiar with the "Sword of Truth" series--will have to go take a look at some point. :twilightsmile:

I intended the morning-after stuff to be more akin to the concept of loving aftercare than to the "I didn't mean to hurt you, baby" bouquet of flowers. Blargh, I'm really sorry that didn't come across well. Also, I'd been envisioning that after 'Shy hugs Rarity, they'd go to the cottage or boutique to have a nice, long chat about what went down the day before, as Pinkie urged 'Shy to do, but I guess that wasn't as evident as it ought to have been. Maybe I should've extended the ending a bit. Hmm.

Anyhoo! Thanks very much for taking so much time to chat about the story with me and to share your thoughts and concerns. I really appreciate it. :pinkiehappy:

1453526
Oh, interesting! I've heard it both ways, "oftener than not" and "more often than not," with the latter being a bit more common. Don't really recall why I chose to go with the former, now--probably sentence rhythm or such. Thanks for the comments, and glad you liked the story!

I like the Fluttershy in your story. I really like the I love/hate Rarity thing. Pretty solid fic! :pinkiehappy::yay:

Alright, so I somehow found myself here again, and I saw, that while all your other romance stories had 1500+ view, this one had less than 500, and never made the feature box. It made me think of the reasons:

Note: not saying this because I feel you like views or not. More because I was just asking myself "why?".

- Dark Tag: Lot's of people, when they see this, they thing "Cupcakes" or "Rainbow Factory". Yes, even if dark and grimdark are two different animals, it's lots of people think it is similar. It's made a little worse by your description, which makes it sound that much closer to grimdark. However, that said, there are tons of stories out there that are dark/grimdark that do well, so... maybe? Possible, but unlikely.
- Comments: Some readers might come along, and use comments to decide whether to look at a fic (I'm certain of this). Instead of the swarm of glowing comments basically saying "yay!", they see... well... my comment :twilightoops: Because of the longer critique that wasn't SUPER glowing, people might be turned off. That said, This might put off some, but not everyone... so also "just possible"

However... I think you were... well... just damn unlucky. Why? Because I remember I was up at 1:30am EST (or later, not sure), and I saw this story pop up. Almost immediately, I knew this story wasn't going to do well. Not only that, but because apparently one of the mods decided to do a midnight approval, your story was gone before the morning (for me). No, this is not a critique of the approval system, merely me commenting.

Anyway, I mostly commented because I'm procrastinating on my own writing.

This is a great story. You took this dark stuff and made it work with the canon ponies. Dark tag fits. My only gripes:
- Leading with the line about Pinkie paying terrible costs made me expect the costs to be even worse, and thus made them seem light compared to my expectations.
- I really want to know whether Fluttershy and Rarity are in a romantic relationship. That has a big impact on what the story is.

That was a very... human story. Characters playing off each other's qualities AND flaws, or rather, their full expressions. Ponies growing into situations that, as much as they would be unlikely to have place in canon, do fit their personalities to a T, and do so in fresh and believable ways; situations that help them grow of issues that the canon may not show entirely, but most (if not all) have wondered about at some point.

Bud I'd have to agree with the others: Flutters' terrible cost, if anything, is more explored with Rarity than Pinkie herself. To put it bluntly, the story is very good, but the description seems not to fit it entirely xD That's probably something to ponder upon.

All in all, a very definite fav :twilightsmile: Keep up the good work, dear sir!

1464134
I ended up taking off the "dark" tag so hopefully readers feel less like there's a bait and switch, 'cause I don't like doing that. And I think posting time definitely affects how many views a story ultimately gets, but this is also a bit different than my other stuff. Either way, I'm not too worked up. I wrote the best story I could, and I got a lot of great in-depth feedback and criticism--I'm a pretty happy camper. :twilightsmile:

1482849
I really hadn't thought of the "terrible costs" bit as implying super dark stuff, but I was totally wrong there as so many people have mentioned that. Whoops. Also, I hadn't even thought of the possibility of 'Shy and Rarity being in a romantic relationship; I'd just envisioned them as having a super close friendship.

1499766
Thanks very much! And I'll try to see if I can think of something better for the description.

1503900 I promoted this story in my blog yesterday; hope you got some extra traffic from it. The story is darker if Rarity is in fact Shy's real lover. I don't know whether that would be good or bad.

The first section was deliciously twisted and, dare I say it, oddly hot. The idea of 'Shy relying on Pinkie Pie as release valve for her stresses fits both of their demeanors while still adding that undercurrent of uncomfortable connotations. Which honestly is good, as decent writing should be able to get under the skin at times.

The second section is interesting as it turns the idea on it's head somewhat, as we see that Pinkie Pie was the pony who initiated this semi-destructive behavior. It doesn't absolve 'Shy of perpetuating the cycle, but it does paint a grayer picture than simply "Fluttershy is a bad pony, now here, look at poor abused best pink pony!".

The third section ties it all back together, as we see the stirrings of development on 'Shy and Pinkie's parts as they realize that something just might really be wrong. It's also what helps keep the fic from earning the Dark tag, as a Dark fic would end without hope of growth and change on their parts.

And so this is a lot of words to just say: I loved it, can I have some more? :raritywink:

1504348
Oh, thank you! That's very kind of you.

I'm not sure whether that would be good or bad either. I think I like that interpretation, though. The whole story is very "Putting Your Hoof Down" focused, and Rarity was the third major player in that ep, so I'm totally down with the Flarity interpretation.

1516646
I didn't know you were on Fimfiction, too--it's good to see you, and thanks for dropping by! I'm glad to hear that you think that I didn't take Pinkie or 'Shy out of character. The whole thing came from me sitting down to think, "Okay. So. FlutterPie. How and why?" This went some ... unorthodox places, to say the least, but it was always meant to be a character exploration first and foremost.

Anyway! :twilightsmile: Thanks very much for taking the time to read and leave some feedback. It's much appreciated, and I'm really glad you liked the story.

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