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Celestia and Luna want to spend some time together as good sisters do. Celestia decides that they should play chess. Unfortunately, Luna doesn't enjoy the game as much as her sister. Moreover, she is irritated by her sister's behaviour during the game. Will Luna find the way to get Celestia out of the chess craze and save their relationship?
Yeah, with a proofread, I feel like this is the type of thing that could get featured.
I'm not sure if that counts as a compliment though, but for what it's worth, this is much less dumb than some of the other one-shots that have been featured lately (can you say Luna Eats and Oreo?). Actually worth reading, for once.
Now, let's see...
*cracks knuckles, then puts on a hat that says 'Official TWE Nitpicker'*
I'm going to randomly stab into your story, gut a section out, revise it, and show you what you could do better.
Starting here:
The evening seemed to be pretty similar to the morning save for the fact that Luna was horribly sleepy after a sleepless day. She had a terrible day because she couldn’t stop thinking about her relationship with Celestia. Her sister was arrogant and sometimes really nasty. And she didn’t even have the guts to stand up for herself. She knew that she had to put stop to this once and for all. And she knew that somepony needs to help her and she even knew who can that be.But before the revenge – another several games of chess.
“Can we agree that I will lose ten times? That would be easier and much less sad for me,” Luna asked her sister.
“No way, Luna. You agreed on my proposition that we spend time together and, because I’m the superior Princess, that is I who decide what we do!” Celestia said coldly.
Luna rolled her eyes and moved her pawn.
Twilight was reading a book when Luna suddenly appeared in her house.
“Oh, Princess Luna! What, what are you doing here?” Twilight was startled by the blue alicorn.
Oh my. There is an exceeding lack of detail and description here, and I've spotted a few places where you could manage to throw in some punctuation. Let's revise, shall we?
The evening seemed to be pretty similar to the morning(comma), save for the fact that Luna was horribly sleepy after a sleepless day. (2x spaces between sentences) She had a terrible day because she couldn’t stop thinking about her relationship with Celestia. Her sister was arrogant(sentence break/comma), sometimes really nasty(comma), (NEVER begin a sentence with ‘and.’)and she didn’t even have the guts to stand up for herself. (2x spaces between sentences) She knew that she had to put stop to this once and for all, (Again, don’t start with ‘and.’)and she knew that somepony needs to help her and she even knew who can that be.But(comma), before the revenge – another several games of chess.
“Can we agree that I will lose ten times? That would be easier and much less saddening(unfinished word) for me,” Luna asked her sister. (what is she doing at this moment? Describe facial and bodily reaction.)
(Ex: ‘Luna asked her sister, pleading with the largest and poutiest eyes she could muster.)
“No way, Luna. You agreed on my proposition that we spend time together and, because I’m the superior Princess(OOC Celestia is OOC! She’s never that mean canonically, so try to lighten her up a bit), that is I who decides(unfinished word) what we do!” Celestia said(said? You make it sound like she’s shouting, what with the tone you set PLUS the exclamation mark) coldly.
Luna rolled her eyes and moved her pawn. (Yes! I like where this is going! Keep explaining how the game is goi-)
Twilight was reading a book when Luna suddenly appeared in her house. (-What. Suddenly, incomprehensible time jump? Excuse me, but what happened to the chess game? Can you at least put in some extra spacing between the two paragraphs so we know there’s been a time jump, instead of just suddenly saying “and then suddenly Luna was at Twilight’s place.” Seriously, put some sort of filler or indicator.)
(Ex: Luna rolled her eyes and moved her pawn.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a crushing defeat, Luna thought to herself, If we cannot beat our sister, we shall find someone who can! With that, she quickly exited from the room and, in a flash of blue, was gone.)
“Oh, Princess Luna! What, what are you doing here?” Twilight was startled by the blue alicorn. (Okay, so she was startled. What does that entail? Was she reading a book? Did she fling it halfway across the room? Explain to the reader, not to yourself!)
All this really needs is a bit of editing and it can make for a good story! However, until then, due to all of the grammatical and punctuation errors, I am forced to downvote.
Just find yourself an editor and everything should go as planned!
/HyperRandomness, Official TWE Nitpicker and general revision creator.
While I prefer two spaces between sentences, both one or two spaces between sentences are currently acceptable. The justification for the single space is that the double space used to be necessary due to the typesets of typewriters and that modern computer typesets fix that issue.
Oh Hyper Randomness. I love people like you. Beta work keeps me in the fanfiction business and make my stories suck less. Because there will always be some tiny and not so tiny mistake in my work. It helps fan-fiction be better and teaches better grammar via osmosis. (Ideas. 
Implementation? 
)
And now for story review:
Premise 4/5 (Very Workable) 
Plot Execution 3/5 (Needs fleshing out. Why is Celestia beeing mean? (big sisters can be) Scene transitions need work. A bit of flshing out with description. (A BIT. Don't go purple proze on us.) 
Grammar 2/5 (Ah. It's not really that bad. Passable but not great. I do about as well as you do when I rush and don't feel like going over it yet again when I could be reading soem cool story. Like you did. :P) 
Overall: 3/5 (Ok but you can do better! )
Isn't it an interesting concept? Could two omnipotent and all-powerful beings play a game of chess fairly? I mean, there is no luck in chess. There is only a certain amount of moves you can make, so they would know exactly how to react to each others movements. The one to move first would be the one to win. No matter what, right?
>>1423976 As an editor, you edit on your time. You message the editie (as I call them) the mistakes and how it can be fixed. They can read over the mistakes, then they can fix it. You can then read over it again to point any other mistakes until there are no more mistakes you can find. If they don't understand the way you're showing the edits, find a different style that will fit their bill.
- Glitchhunter5000, Editor in Training
I found this to be okay I think celestia was waaaayyyyyyyyyy too far out of character. However I found it funny that at one part you luna was a he you wrote his instead of her. It was okay your characters need work because celestia isn't a bitch and no-one messes with luna.
Well, found and read this (thanks to you including it in the Celestia and Luna group). I'm used to reading around spelling, so I more am a little annoyed at the OOC acting going on for Celestia. (I'm one to talk, though, and you have probably gotten better. The statute of limitations for critiquing this fic is off.)
It has a good premise and one I like, though. But I'm a sucker for chess stuff. I would make some long chessy rant about the Sveshnikov defense (as I am not a fan of it nor any other Sicilian variation), but since Twily is playing against a semi-novice player it catches them off guard and becomes a... fair play.
“Yes! I used my favorite Sveshneighkov defense and now I am two moves from an inevitable checkmate!” Twilight answered excitedly.
This is the part where I fell out of my chair laughing. [Sveshnikov was a grand master chess player. (I saw what you did there )]
I'd actually prefer the Cochrane Gambit variation of the Russian Game, or the Brooklyn Variation of the Alekhine Defense. I enjoy playing hypermodern.
Also, Gamer Luna!
Sounds good to me. Twilight would be using the most advanced strategies, while Pinkie would be winning by apparently random moves - it would turn out later that Pinkie is a savant and sees everything what's going on the chessboard despite not understanding that 
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