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Crazyjoe33

Joined September 2012
120 followers

Stories (1)

  • An Immortal Life
    Twilight and Celestia have kept a secret since Twilight's birth. This is telling the story of what really happened.

    29,401 words · 11,347 views · 697 likes · 45 dislikes

Blog Posts (28)


Twilight and Celestia have been hiding a secret for many years. Can they keep living up to their lies or will somepony catch on? Will Twilight's friends forgive her lies as to what she really is and what her true relationship status with the Princess has secretly been for countless years, or will they condemn her for lying to them? After all, nopony could ever lie to their friends... right?

(A/N) This is my first Fimfic. Feel free to tell me what you think of it and tell me if I made any errors.

Proofreader: arandompenguin

Editor: Midnight Spark

First Published
12th Oct 2012
Last Modified
24th Mar 2013

Comments ( 346 )

#1 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

Occasionally overly verbose, but otherwise good.  You might want to think about just allowing the common mythos of the show to be unsaid, going by the rule that if you don't say otherwise, it holds true.  But, other than that, it's a good start.  Oh, and since I never get to do this, first.

#2 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · 3 · ·

Running criticism, GO!

I'll be commenting as I read.

1)4th sentence. Huh, that's farther than most make it. You tense shifted from past to present. 1st sentence: "Celestia woke up" whereas the 4th starts out "Celestia is an alicorn" instead of "Celestia was an alicorn". Small things, but a BIG small thing. It's one of my pet peeves. NEXT!

2)

and her mane and tail has the colors cyan,

Subject verb agreement (I know that's what this is, but I can't explain it; I play English by ear) Since there is multiple subjects -- mane + tail -- it should be have in place of has. I can't remember the rule, but he on the lookout for those ;)

3) I didn't notice this until you introduced Luna. You seem to be writing this for people who have never soon MLP. You describe Celestia, Canterlot, and Luna. Since this is a site for pony words, you don't need to do that unless in your story the subject is different. EX: If your story had Celestia with a pink mane, you would take time to point it out, or you would have a more subtle description via another pony's thoughts or something. I dunno, I'm not an author. TL:DR: Redundant descriptions are a waste of the reader's time, which is one of the most important rules of writing. "Don't waste the reader's time" Only cover the essentials, preferably. Now, if you have this on another site for fanfics, by all means keep doing that. If it's only here then it's needless as we all love these adorable little ponies. This may sound like it will put a big dent in your word count (spoilers: It will) but that's not a bad thing. I'll just say that the story I felt the most strongly about was exactly 997 words long from start to finish.

EDIT: >>1427033 Mythos, that's what it's called! Thanks for that.

4) I don't know how many chapters you plan on writing, or if you have already done this or not, but there's a big thing to take care of for long stories. Map it out. If you plan on 5+ chapters have a rough outline drawn. You CAN use the "make it up as you go" approach (I know I do!) but it will usually flow better if planned.

5) The mom bomb. I saw it coming since Celestia was aware of AliTwi. Now you just have to address the issue of Twilight's "parents" since this is all a big secret :o

If you'll notice, I didn't proofread your story. That's because I'm not an editor~ I'd much rather read it and watch you improve yourself.

GOOD LUCK, MATE.

#3 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

this story is looking really good:pinkiehappy: looking forward to the next chapter

#4 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

You really should consider your target audience on this site, barring the description of twilight, and only because it changes between filly twi and how she is now all character renditions are redundant. The average reader should have read at the very least a couple dozen of FIM fics, and that is without counting on what the know from the show. Describing what is apple-bucking, what is Sweet Apple Acres, or any main character is something unneeded and can turn readers away.

"Your Majesty, a unicorn by the name of Twilight Sparkle wishes to speak to you,"

A unicorn? Twilight is the student of Celestia, the sister of the Captain of the Royal Guard and Husband of a Princess, the Element of Magic, has been a part of stopping at least 3 threats to Equestria... If you consider that she used to live at the Castle, what she has done, and who is related to her, a guard calling her "a unicorn by the name" seems as likely as "a lowly commoner by the name". Your student, lady, the Element of Magic, or even only the name is a lot more reasonable.

The story isn't bad, but aside to revealing Twilight's secret to the reader there isn't anything major going on so any further judgment on my part will have to wait until there is something else to judge that the tiresome descriptions of characters we already know...

#5 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1427045 Thanks for the input! I'll be sure to fix those mistakes when I get the chance. Sorry for the over use on the descriptions, though I thought it would be nice if anyone came across this and have never seen a show. But I understand what you're saying and I'll try to cut down on the explaining in the following chapters.

Anyways, I hope you will enjoy this to the end!

Edit: I have a surprise for the "parent" issue. You just have to wait!

#6 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1427062 Oops! Yeah, this just came together at random and I guess I should stick to the main story better. Thanks for catching that!

#7 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · 1 · ·

>>1427045

4) I don't know how many chapters you plan on writing, or if you have already done this or not, but there's a big thing to take care of for long stories. Map it out. If you plan on 5+ chapters have a rough outline drawn. You CAN use the "make it up as you go" approach (I know I do!) but it will usually flow better if planned.

Being that I too am doing an Ali!Twi story (albeit along a FAR different premise and execution) I will say this in agreement with my number one fan:

PLAN LONG STORIES OUT.

The first iteration of On Wings of Change I wrote was rife with a lot of mistakes that could, and should have been avoided due to proper planning. A large part of this is that I can see Twilight keeping secrets from her friends would make a pretty cool story. Alright, cool; but what then after that? As a writer you already dropped a huge plot point on the readers from chapter one.

THIS IS NOT A BAD THING. However, you do want to keep in mind that a story like this which, (I'm assuming,) if it will be multiple chapters, needs to have a bit more to it than just Twilight confessing the truth to her friends. [1] Don't blow all your ammo on the first wave of zombies, basically. Drop the bomb on the readers as a sparing tactic; suspense is every bit as good as the sudden reveal, ask Tast about "the purple lightning" and you'll see what I mean.

The only thing I would suggest off the top of my head,[2] is that you try to use show, not tell. For example:

Twilight was getting frustrated and the pain was getting worse.

This is an example of a very tell sentence. Now if we were to take that idea...

Twilight fidgeted in place, scanning the books as a purple aura of magic adjusted her bandage. Tomes clattered to the floor in increasing amounts as her reserves of patience were began to run as thin as her tolerance for pain.

This conveys the same basic thought, but you'll notice two things right off the bat:

  1) It's longer.[3]

  2) It uses more colorful language (aka, Avoids the "Shopping list syndrome.")[4]

Granted, it will be a little confusing at first. But you should have seen the messes I was putting out when I started. If you start fixing some of your tense issues, using Show instead of Tell, and create an engaging plotline[5]; you'll go far.

-Koba

                   ---/~endnotes~\---

[1] Thoughts for further plot points:

  -Who is the real father?

  -Why does Celestia feel the need to hide her?

  -What of her "parents" and Shining Armor?

[2] And the fact it's 0233 where I live at the time of posting.

[3] Your word count will thank you.

[4] Your readers will thank you.

[5] This one is fine! But if you really want to wow the crowds, come up with something that won't go stale or boring after 3 chapters of the same concept! Variety is the spice of life! :twilightsmile:

Hope to see you continue improving!

#8 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1427142 I guess I should have an outline. After all, I don't want this to be short and bland since it's my first story that I'm working on the most. I'll try to figure out the whole plot-line as I go, I guess.

Edit: I'll read your story since it does look appealing to the eye. Good luck with your story!

#9 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

Not a bad start for a first time fic. I like the idea, Ive seen a few Ali twi stories, but no many with this kind of plot, it's just not as common for some reason.

My suggestions-

You don't need to describe everypony in so much detail, everyone probably knows what everypony looks like.

Also, get rid of the random tag, this story doesn't deserve to be random, it deserves to be given proper care, attention, and dedication to making sure this is written correctly, because you have something really good here, and you can go far with it.

Last suggestion, get an editor, it will help to alot later, there are groups that have editors for hire, just make sure you pick a good one.

#10 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 3d ago · · ·

>>1427181 Yeah, sorry for the random tag. It's just that even I don't know what's going to happen.

#11 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

That doesn't mean it's random, random is well... Random? Like plot twist or something like that every other paragraph and nothing is predictable.

#12 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Potential story, even when there is always something odd in there. The speech problem and show vs tell. It will be the nemesis in your story in the long run. But good story so far. The speech by characters does not feel natural, it will give you problems in later chapters. It felt for me that you forced the character to say and think things that does not go in to the characters basics and flow. It will take time to solve this problem. Don't rush yourself.

#13 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Whoa whoa whoa… a fiction in which both Twilight and Celestia are aware of Teilight's parentage AND her wings?! What is this madness?

By the by, you don't need to describe every single new character. I'm pretty sure we all know what the ponies look like. If they don't, they are not true Bronies.

#14 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427241 You know what? I'm just going to change the tag. Even I don't make sense to myself sometimes. :facehoof:

#15 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427246 Yeah, you're right. I should try to make it believable.

#16 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Okay. Here's a question for everyone. Do you guys want me to rewrite this chapter so that it's actually more interesting? If you do, then I wouldn't mind going in and changing it up since it is kind of bland by my own standards. In fact, I just may do that this weekend.

#17 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427270

Twilight and Celestia are aware of Twilight's parentage AND her wings?! What is this madness?

I believe it's called a new spin on an old idea. :twilightsmile: There have been many Alicorn Twilight stories, but this is the first one I ever seen where both are aware of it right from the start, and it isn't hidden from one or the other.

ps. Twilight being daughter of all powerful goddess is best twilight. :twilightsheepish: Now just need her to call Celestia "Mommy" and I can die happily :twilightblush:

#18 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427352 In due time. :twilightsmile:

#19 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427352

Yeah, but AliTwi or Mama Celestia is way better with mental-breakdown Twilight. Makes for a good story and a funny read. I shall continue this story and watch the events unfold.

#20 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Wow, feature box with 13 likes, that's like a record or something.

#21 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Suddenly, the last line gave me a warm feeling in the heart for some reason. Might be due to me having the ability to integrate with the main character of any story.

Good story btw.

#22 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Also, now I have realised, if Celestia is Twilight's true mother, then what about Shining Armour?

#23 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Honestly, it was a little bit a of a chore to chew through the first chapter. Your exceedingly verbose for describing things that people already know. I'm not saying to stop, but try and work on it.

Things like this...

The building itself is a big tree that has been hollowed out and has been Ponyville's library ever since the settlers had come to settle on this land. Until two to three years ago had Twilight decided that she would like to stay in Ponyville to study into the Magic of Friendship that she realized she needed a place to stay. That was when the Mayor said it was okay for Twilight to have a home in the Library since the upstairs was vacant and, in the short time that she knew Twilight, knew that she had a passion for reading and studying. The Library even had a kitchen and a bathroom, but no bath, so it was an easy place for Twilight to move in to, just needed to get a bath installed in the bathroom.

1. It's probably completely unrelated to the story as a whole.

2. You've done this many, many times in the first chapter, but since this isn't some strange setting, everyone will know exactly what you mean.

3. Detailed nuances like the description of the bathroom, complete superfluous and it breaks flow.

4. Show/Tell vs Dialogue. Your very heavy on the show-tell from a narrator standpoint. It tends to make stories feel clunkier than they are.

All in all, I'll keep an eye out, but for all this is a sizable chapter, you didn't really say much.

#24 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427310

I would like you to rewrite this chapter eventually. There is a very nice and intriguing plot in here, and it certainly shows in places, but the quite frankly poor execution really doesn't do it justice.

In the meantime, what I reccomend doing is reading. Read other peoples stories, specifically, some of the other Alicorn Twilight fics you can find around here. Doing so will give you a much clearer picture of what people here like to read, and it will provide you with more tools to use in your own writing.

Everything everyone else said before me is also very good advice, and is advice I would have given to you as well. That's my other tip: listen to people. Generally, the people here are very nice and often go out of their way to help authors improve. I probably spent close to half an hour trying to say what I wanted to in this comment.

Anyway, this is probably a bit rambly so I had better wrap this up. I am certainly going to be tracking this story, and if I see it's improving, you can have a thumbs up and one of my eyeballs.

-Syrahl

EDIT: Congrats on getting feature box!

#25 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Meh..I'll still read it

Confound this phone; so hard to type with....

#26 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Good story, but yeah, the instances where you were describing things such as Twilight's Library and Sweet Apple Acres was redundant since most of us already know all of that.  Other than that, I'm really liking this story!  I await for the next chapter and keep up the good work.

- Super-Brony12

P.S.

If you do decide to rewrite the chapter, then I suggest taking out the parts where we already know information such as the two I mentioned above.

#27 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Yeah, the description pf everything we already know totall

y kills this fic. No suspense and dull adjective choices have drained any enjoyment I could normally have taken from Alicorn Twilight.

Your story is bad.

#28 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Has occasional mistakes, but I want more fic.

You seem to write "blablabla," XXXX said{/other synonyms for speaking, possibly action afterward} a bit too much. But that's not a big deal

#29 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

The description of everypony was a bit tedious to read but easily skipped.  Some of the dialog sounded repetitive, like '"I really need to clean up after myself," Twilight spoke softly to herself".  Other then that I didn't see any glaring spelling or grammatical errors; will be interesting to see how you handle Twilight's childhood.

#30 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Most of the complaints have been aired, but I'll summarize a bit.  It is highly unlikely someone who has not seen the show would read this.  Many who are fans of the show don't even like fanfiction in general, let alone those who have not seen it at all.  It is a safe assumption that most common scenes and characters will be firmly established in the reader's mind already, and only require a handful of descriptive words plus the name of the setting or character.

However, original characters and locations do require a setting and description, and when you do, cut your verbosity.  Try to be more efficient with your writing, see if you can get the idea across with half the words.  Work with a thesaurus if it will help.

Happy writing.  :twilightsmile:

#31 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Cellys twilights mum :pinkiegasp:

WATA TWIST :twistnerd:

You have captured my interest and now I want more... the question is... Can You Provide?

(If you answered yes then I will not atempt to devour your soul :derpyderp2:)

#32 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427843

Ya know there are nicer ways than just saying your stories bad without more than one reason... :trixieshiftright:

Also you might want to spell check your comment... :scootangel:

#33 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Oh and by the way I'm going to try my hand at making a picture for this... but no promises k? :pinkiehappy:

#34 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Twilight is Celestias daughter? :rainbowhuh: interesting....

#35 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Thing about show vs tell. Show the first time, and if you're continuing t describe or narrate the shown reaction shortly after you can then tell. If you ask me, showing all the time is just as boring as telling, but it's the easiest thing to criticize for people so even if your story is perfect people will stomp on you for it. Also, show vs tell critics ironically have to "tell" you about it, which to me shows there is still a need for tell. tl;dr moderation is king in the world of literature.

Speaking of tl;dr, don't go overly descriptive unless it conveys, foreshadows or provokes a character reaction/perspective. Read "The Fire in Fiction" to learn more.

#36 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

I love the idea of the story but I obviously dont know what My little pony is and I dont know what celestia  or twilight looks like :eeyup:

#37 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427142

Wait, I'm not your number one fan?! :raritycry: :fluttercry: :twilightangry2:

As for planing a story; it depends. Not planing can lead you very quickly into dead ends. Think of writing like a maze, sure you can wing it, but you better know what your doing. Otherwise, take some time to figure out where things are going. My first novel length story since I started writing again I had no plan, idea, or concept where things were going to go for roughly 7 chapters. Then I wrote the ending and didn't bother to figure out the middle for another 4 chapters. Since then I've sat down and planned things out. All in all, everything went better than expected.

My second story I am planning like a Sir. It's an AliTwi story, among many other things, and I love seeing and reading how others take on the subject.

On to specific criticism for this story!

Tenses; your writing feels rather passive and, as pointed out by Tast, the tenses change frequently. Spice things up with active verbs and adverbs and nouns and I am just spouting words that I hope are appropriate. Action! That's the jist of my thrust of my point of this notation.

Discriptions; some are not needed. We know what Canterlot looks like, and unless your have only a partial omnipotent narrator style, it's not ever needed describing. I think that's close to the proper term. (I am surprisingly terrible at the actual names and what they mean when it comes to writing. Seat of the pants writing, HO!) Basically, if a character that has never seen Canterlot is approaching the city, you can then describe what they see and interpret to give the reader an understanding of the character. But the readers already know Canterlot more than likely if they are on this site.

Edits; I noticed in a few places misplaced or wrong words. Go back through and re-read the story slowly. Very, very slowly. The human brain has a tendency to skip whole words and lines and fill in the blanks based on past experiences. This is one of the trickier things about writing, editing, editing again, and then doing another edit. The mind goes, "I know this sentence/paragraph/line!" and skips ahead. Darn scumbag brain. :facehoof:

The ending; I actually found this fine and good. It nicely undercuts a typical trope of AliTwi stories. Subverted tropes make me smile. It also nicely sets up the questions of why Twilight hides her liniage and her wings. What her family knows or doesn't know. Is she a Goddess, and if so, what is her domain? And so on. Adds that bit of mystery that hopefully suckers readers in.

I am interested in seeing where this story goes.  Faved and Thumbs Up!

#38 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1427588 That's why I would like to edit it. I was reading other people's work and made me realize that I need to change/improve my writing style. Thanks for the support. :pinkiehappy:

#39 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

MOM?:pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp::pinkiegasp:

#40 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

I have just a teensy suggestion for you Crazyjoe33, type it on Microsoft Word. You don't have to but I think it's a good idea. The only problem is that it might tell you to change something that is actually ok. The most annoying thing I think is the "fragment" message. If you don't know what I mean, it happens when you type something like "oh" or "ahh". It's one of my pet peeves (shout out to tast for earlier comment where he used this phrase) :)

just know this is a suggestion and I'm sure many of the ponies on here are gonna disagree with me. to you guys who reply to this and say "stop being stupid" or "you lazy noob", all i say is wow.

#41 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1428635 that was my reaction, just add in Godzilla's head exploding and then it'll be my reaction

#42 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

First off; you still have problems with tenses. The first paragraph goes from past to present tense.

Celestia looked out her window and saw the horizon changing from black to dark shades of purple, indicating the sun was coming up soon.

That little change takes the second half of the sentence and brings it in line with the rest of the paragraph. :twilightsmile:

I'm not going to go through and make notes of every problem with your tenses (assuming there are any more, I stopped reading after the first paragraph to make this comment). I recommend going through slowly and make the needed tweaks. Often it'll just be a single word here or there. From your first paragraph the story should be in the past tense.

On the other side of things, I like how you properly use quotation marks rather than italics to indicate thoughts or speaking. I want to punch a fish every time I read a story that uses italics to indicate when a character is thinking something. It's not hard people! "I am saying this," said the character. 'I am thinking this,' thought the character. :twilightangry2:

Okay, skim-read the rest of the story to see if there were any story changes. Didn't notice any (Ha, how could you, you only read one in fifty words! ~Tundy's brain), and things looked a lot neater and much improved.

=. .=b

#43 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

'I think I had a dream that could have kept anypony up, but why do I feel so... Content?' Content shouldn't be capitalized.

Celestia had noticed something was rather... Odd Odd shouldn't be capitalized.  Outside of the excessive use of the ellipses, one should not capitalize after them.

and put on her regal outfit. I get the sensation you were searching for the right word here, and the answer is 'vestments'.

"Today is Saturday and Twilight has planed to come up to Canterot for the weekend," planned, Canterlot

Twilight got down two mixing bowls, Use of 'got' is sloppy and breaks the flow.  Try 'brought out' or something similar.

"Please, send her in. I was actually expecting her to be here for sometime now." Some time should be two separate words.

A few other minor issues are present.  I don't have time to get in to them.  I hope most of the others will.  The story has improved greatly, good job.  :twilightsmile:

#44 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Kind of saw the ending coming, but I still liked it. Now you've got me really interested on who the romance tag is for. My initial thoughts were TwiLestia or TwiLuna, but after reading this, TwiLestia's out for obvious reasons, and TwiLuna pretty much is as well.

#45 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

Let me guess Shinning Armor is her half brother, in other words Twilight's father has been quite busy and had quite a workout with Celestia without his wife's knowledge at some point.:trollestia:

#46 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1430152 Oh, if you only knew. :ajsmug:

#47 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

MOM!!! WAT!!! what about the episode when they all revisited how they got their cutie marks!? were those like adoptive parents? did Celestia give her to another family because she, as a princess, had no time? UBER EPIC MIND BUCK!!!:derpyderp2::rainbowderp::applejackconfused::derpytongue2::pinkiecrazy:

#48 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1430200

It's not nearly as epic as Celestia being Scootaloo's mom.

#49 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·

>>1430259 Huh, I've never came across a story like that while on this site. I'm sure it probably exists, just that I haven't been able to find it.

#50 · Chapter 1 · 101w, 2d ago · · ·
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