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Assuming-Control
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Assuming-Control
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Joined October 2012
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32w, 23hCrossovers
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32w, 15hTrollfics
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31w, 1dEquestria Forum Writers
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AND EVERY LAST INCH OF ME IS COVERED IN PONY
Right, a couple glaring flaws:
- Whenever someone different speaks, make a new paragraph. The way you have it now is very confusing to read.
- Do not start every sentence with "then," "but," or "and" (or any other conjunction.)
Finally, I have absolutely no clue what's going on. I just...what?
Picture made me laugh. Story made me ask:
WHAT AM I READING?!
Image: http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-zhakICzwmBg/TvTxgysk_YI/AAAAAAAAZD0/7S_kFjBZPmA/s1600/102667+-+artist+taskidog+rainbow_dash+twilight_sparkle+what_the_fuck_am_I_reading.png
There is a large wall of text here, I recommend adding spaces in between and separating dialogues, every time a character speaks add a new paragraph. Also too many exclamation points, dont use them that often 
I liked the concept, but you should get someone to proof read it and maybe look up the words you don't understand, for example, the thing Gaston hunts with in the movie is called a musket, not sure which type though.
Also some more description to the scenery might come on handy.
I like the concept though and as such you shall have my like 
DIDNEY WORL!
Image: http://images.wikia.com/adventuretimewithfinnandjake/images/8/83/Didney_worl.jpg
Image: http://fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/184/b/2/didney_worl__didney_worl__by_crazyfungirl2-d55tevw.jpg
Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/301/317/18a.gif
Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/299/774/03b.jpgthat is all
I don't know if this is a troll fic or not.
Yes a laughed, but
Image: http://static4.fjcdn.com/comments/What+the+FUCK+did+I+just+read+_7dd184d25a0e632ecca4450bf5507ae5.png
Image: http://denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw3964_large.jpg
Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/301/320/037.jpg
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_majp135BlM1rvg641o2_500.jpg
Image: http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/184/3/3/you_want_more_didney_worl___by_crazyfungirl2-d55v56n.jpg
Image: http://static.fjcdn.com/large/pictures/0e/72/0e723a_3819001.jpg
(Cue laughter)
What in the fuck? Wow, I only managed to get halfway through the first paragraph before I ended up in a confusing and a major fuckin grammar mistake.
his shirt peels off him, like peels do from bananas.
Wow, what were you thinking?
Here's the rewritten sentence:
His shirt peels off of him like a banana does.
See? What were you thinking?
Otherwise, if this is a trollfic, I would laugh at it and stomp the shit out of it.
"Arm Me with Harmony" - A line from O.P.P. by Naughty by Nature
: 
: Cause, um, I'd like to go... if that's alright.
Image: http://www.infernalsoul.net/Junk/Dump/160%20-%20haters_gonna_hate%20macro%20meme%20rainbow_dash.jpg
Because this is a serious subject. Story of life and death. Love and hate. War and peace
Thanks you, I are Finland though, so my grammar are somewhat bad. But I aspire to was better
Thank you. Yes, it somehow deleted all the spaces I had between each line, at least. I'm not much a man of words in my current state, but hat's why I'm doing this, in hopes of getting better, with help from all of you
The story may cause laughter to some, tears to some. This tells a lot about you. Maybe you should seek your true heart based on this discovery
Gaston at least was somewhat spot on to his character. The manliest piece of meat in all universe
Now why would I trollfic right off the bat? I wanted to let my imagination to fly wild on this
His shirt peels off of him like a banana does.
Now that sounds just like his shirt is the banana, when Gaston himself was the banana, and the shirt was the peels
Shame you weren't able to enjoy it thanks to little grammar mistakes and confusion. Thanks for pointing them out though, I know what to focus on now then
Glad you like it, took me two and half hours
Quite the opposite, my friend. I was able to share my writings, and I was able to get much needed critique on it. I hardly see this as a fail
Nooooo one, SUCKS LIKE GASTON!
Makes bad fics like Gaston!
There's none in this world who are dicks like Gaston!
"Read all my work and you'll be EXPECT-ORATING!"
Oh what a guy!
GASTOOOOOOOOON!!!!!
(It's Gaston. He requires the Gaston Song in all its mocking forms whenever he appears. 
)
Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/301/304/e8e.gif
That wouldn't have happened at the end. More like....
Gaston: "Come, masculine pony! We shall go and do manly things together!"
Roid Rage/Snowball/Ripped Pegasus with tiny wings : "YEEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"
And then they go off into the Everfree Forest and beat the stuffing out of everything in it.
...You're challenging me, man.
Now I need to try this. Maybe I'll make a story that's just someone popping in and singing the GaStong whenever she pops into a scene.
Noooooo oooooone, moves like Rainbow!
Cries like Rainbow!
No po ny's ego's as BIG as Rainbow-
No no no...Gaston rolls off the tongue...damn it.
THIS REQUIRES RESEARCH!
Okay, let's put it like this. It isn't a trollfic, but it isn't completely serious either. I did want to try to write some kinda fic, but at the same time, I just went with what came first to my mind. So, the result is a clusterfuck of madness, spelling errors and stupid choices of words, but it's still longer than what I usually have patience to even read, so I'm quite proud of it.
Plus, my English is probably rather bad anyway, being a young Finnish guy and all 
There there.
No one takes brutal criticism like Gaston!
(But yeah, the fic is terrible. But it's Gaston. So you get a pass. Because nobody can make a bad thing funny like Gaston.)
Three words:
Full Life Consequences!!1!!
Image: http://gamingdead.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/full-life-consequences-430x322.jpgI approve of this trollfic. Especially the cover picture!
Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lxv35mAwKR1qfjtwqo1_500.pngWHAT AM I EVEN READING.
Bananas peel off of Gaston? The original sentence was a solecism; your amends are yet inferior.
"Gaston removed the shirt from his chest as though he was peeling the skin from a banana."
More grammatically correct; however, I still feel as though this sentence is dull.
"Gaston skinned his garmets, rashly dismissing them towards the depth of the floor; his fruitful chest, previously concealed under its peel, exposed itself to an overwhelmed audience."
Still far from perfect, but a lot more interesting and "fruity," so to speak. Writing is all about finesse and style.
This is more a note to you and not the author, considering the story's subject.
Alright, I finished reading this and... "I think I see a barrage of snowballs..." 
Maybe not a barrage of snowballs, but a blow of cold air. 
First, overall your english is not THAT bad. I no native speaker like you, and it's understandable. It's casual vocabulary, and you know, we are doing fanfiction, not trying to write a piece of classic literature. 
BUUUUUUUT! you sure have a huge amount of grammar errors; Don't worry tought, it's easy to correct them with Word. If Word is not enough, grab a proof-reader, they can catch these kind of errors, like you can catch a pidgey on a pokemon game, and I think that is easier to fin one than find an editor, there's some groups dedicated to that. 
Still with the lesser problems, you didn't used italics to show thoughts. I know that you write that this and that were thoughts, but use them anyway. That way, your readers will know beforehand that your character is thinking, not talking.
Now let's get down to the heavy dirty. 
When I opened your story, I found a huge wall of text, then a space, a huge wall of text and a space... And this continued in this order through the entire history. Those walls of text are really walls, that will make your readers too lazy to try to overcome them and they will thumb you down and post bad comments.
Space between the paragraphs, and indent your history. This helps, a LOT! 
And lastly, your Fluttershy is... Well I don't know who she is, but now I think that Flutters have a evil twin that will hunt her sister with the help of Gaston and together they will throw Celestia out of the throne and rule a new Equestria filled with cute mares and manly stallions, showing their abbs all the day long.
She is tottaly OOC, and that's not a thing that attracts many positive comments. Try to retain a minimum of our adorable shy mare, or this will not even looks lika a MLP crossover. 
Well, I will end my review here. And by the way, I know that no one endure the snow like Gaston, so I don't think that he will fear being on one of our folders. 
Wait wait... Did you say Didney Worl?
Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/299/778/a3e.jpg
Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/331/159/bf4.gifDidney Worl.......is ruthless!
>>1424727 >>1424870 >>1425282 >>1425919 >>1426007
People got suddenly so much more positive during the night!
Aand Full Life Consequences might have been a bit of inspiration, yes, heh
Haha, alright, I do admit that some of the grammatical flaws were there purpose. I even had to fix some of them on few points during writing, because they sounded too stupid for even a person with second language to say.
Word I don't have though, I used just notepad. Proof-readers and editors, why not, might as well get one if they clear out the writing, as long as they are free!
And I might try to think something for the text wall problem, maybe look a bit of help from other fics I guess, heh
Well I don't know who she is, but now I think that Flutters have a evil twin that will hunt her sister with the help of Gaston and together they will throw Celestia out of the throne and rule a new Equestria filled with cute mares and manly stallions, showing their abbs all the day long.
Shh, don't spoil it!
Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/21497283.jpg
Image: http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22117116.jpg
Image: http://zipmeme.com/uploads/generated/g1339358257846393636.jpg
Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/320/950/b33.jpg
Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/320/949/d37.jpg
Wait did someone say DIDNEY WORL?!
Image: http://talentmechanic.files.wordpress.com/2012/04/rage.png
My novel is srs bsns you gais!
Image: http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/s/e/seriouspatrickplz.png
Image: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v74/chisuchina/emotes/AvatarFeels.gif
Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lyj8blKgar1qfputb.pngHmmm... Didney Worl, you say?
Image: http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I+ve+dreamt+of+Didney+Worl..+Bir-duh_a1010f_3830267.jpg
Image: http://fc04.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/239/3/1/_didney_worl__by_bababug-d5co7rr.jpg
Image: http://fc03.deviantart.net/fs70/i/2012/031/9/f/didney_worl_by_teamrocketavenger-d4o9kid.jpg
Image: http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/323/553/b5d.png
Image: http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/302/453/0a7.jpgToo much?
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