Interesting concept. But my advice: slow down. Don't try and tell the story that fast, or it ruins all character development and eliminates the details that make a good story.

>>14197081419708 i'll keep that in mind. the first couple chapters are for putting things in motion. I probably wont start any actual fighting till chapter three. also thank you for giving it a try and commenting.

Well this seems pretty interesting, humans fighting ponies without our over powered technology... following.

Sounds interesting. You have caught my eye. I shall read when I am able too. So many stories, so little time.  

>>14203371420337 i know the feels bro, thanks for giving it a shot, i'm actually a bit skeptical of how this one is going to turn

>>14202721420272 i'll try not to dissapoint

Image: http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=active&sa=N&rlz=1C1ASUT_enUS498US498&biw=1366&bih=667&tbm=isch&tbnid=06qgKpqHWFywWM:&imgrefurl=http://memegenerator.net/Well-That-Escalated-Quickly&docid=qa30EU2CvVisZM&imgurl=http://cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/250x250/28121861.jpg&w=250&h=250&ei=NB52UNaGFufdyAHZ6oG4Dg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=208&vpy=314&dur=1023&hovh=176&hovw=176&tx=110&ty=90&sig=112206386174903418327&page=1&tbnh=151&tbnw=151&start=0&ndsp=21&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:0,i:96

Image: http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&safe=active&rlz=1C1ASUT_enUS498US498&biw=1366&bih=667&tbm=isch&tbnid=nE4RQmhBkjJ2fM:&imgrefurl=http://www.uksearchindex.com/funthingstodo-mazes.htm&docid=uhS7DdWlEh7HoM&imgurl=http://www.uksearchindex.com/maze.jpg&w=440&h=310&ei=Vx52UPO7JeLiyAHl5ICQBQ&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=177&vpy=155&dur=2029&hovh=188&hovw=268&tx=163&ty=133&sig=112206386174903418327&page=1&tbnh=140&tbnw=181&start=0&ndsp=18&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:71

And you lost me halfway through.

>>14205541420554 i'm sorry, my computer can't process those pics on this site, links maybe?

>>14211311421131 That escalated quickly, and a maze. It's a great fic though, looking forward to more.

>>14212901421290 yay! i am thoroughly enjoying writing!

I am Cold,a menber of mankind.My race is in ruins,surrounded in all sides by ponies,dogs and gryphons.slavery spreads and consume us all.Here we make our final stand,here there will be Retribution

>>14221201422120 that was, perfect. With your permission i want to use that.

>>14222991422299 sure go right ahead

>>14227881422788 Advertisement on my story: Priceless

for everything else there's Mastercard.

>>14229301422930 it will be in chapter three.

finaly a slavery rebelion story

..... seriously ive been waiting for this... if i was with him id charge forward at the final battle saying this as the human armies prepare to fight!

Sons of Men!, of Earth! My brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me! A day may come when the courage of men fails , when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship. But it is not this day! An hour of death and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I BID YOU STAND, MEN OF EQUESTRIA! FOR TODAY IS THE DAY WE MAKE OUR STAND! TODAY WE DRIVE BACK THE RACES THAT ENSLAVE US, CLAIMING OUR RIGHTS AS A RACE!  TODAY WE FIGHT FOR OUR FREEDOOOM!! (charges leading the hoarde of soldiers riding on a hydras back)  

ok but in all seriousness please dont quit this story or somant like that. ive been waiting for this kind of story for a LONG time. also free internet cookie if you guess what movie i partially ripped that speach off of.

I don't write many reviews, not because I have nothing to say, but because I tend to be pretty exhaustive and it takes a fair amount of time. That being said, I like the premise of this story, and I enjoyed what world building it contained, so I went into detail here. Please consider these goals. The examples I used are alternatives to what you've already published, not because I think you need to rewrite it, but simply because I thought the comparison is direct and easy to make.

1. Focus on showing rather than telling. Rather than narrating from the perspective of a camera above his head, narrate as though your readers are the protagonists' brain. You don't have to use first person to accomplish this technique, just feed us the sensory information (mostly sounds, sights, body reactions [like hairs standing on end]) that will allow us to pretend as though we are the narrator. For example, if you wanted to show a gunshot, you wouldn't ever say the words "He fired the gun." Rather, you would describe what it felt like--the jolt in his hand, the loud bang, the way the arm shakes.

2. This is partly to do with showing, but deserves its own section--make sure to describe emotional states. Remember that the most compelling and interesting conflicts are fought in the mind. The world you've built offers such opportunities for emotional reactions--slavery being such an emotionally charged subject--that I think you can seamlessly integrate more of that material in the story. A slave doesn't just wake up from a year of drudgery because he was handed a book. Describe why, tell us what emotions caused him to remember his natural rights and dignity. For example, you already established that he was an actor. You could have had him peek into the book a little, see another famous line--Shakespeare or otherwise--about humanity that caused emotions to flood through him. Make it a symbolic moment--maybe Twilight is throwing away/shelving a training book on humans, and upon reading it, he is forced to come to terms with his status as an animal. Anger results. The point is, we think we love action scenes, and sometimes we do, but there's a reason why straight action movies are generally not remembered, while emotionally intense movies like Citizen Kane, The Silence of the Lambs, and Titanic are remembered.

3. Pacing! I know you want to get to the part where he's building up a resistance against revolutions, but I would have suggested spending more time on his life in Ponyville. Show us how the ponies treat, or mistreat their slaves. Or perhaps show him working in the diamond mines before all of this started, having secret conversations and struggling for the smallest victories, like in the stories of political prisoners. Let us see him struggle--whether it be with controlling his pride, or dealing with prejudice, or whatever else you can think of! Watching the protagonist struggle like that, watching him be victimized by his slavers is what makes us sympathetic to his plight. I don't know if you've read The Piano Man, but that story included chapter upon chapter of near-torture for the protagonist. By the time the climax rolled around, all the readers hated the antagonist! You don't have to go that far, but if you see an opportunity in your story for emotional and character development, don't be afraid to slow everything down. A well-written emotionally charged scene is worth ten well-written action scenes.

In summary, I like the world you've created, and I think you've got a fair amount of promise with this format; you've certainly got more potential than those HiE stories where some brony just pops up, makes friends with everyone, and has to fight some stupidly stale one-dimensional villain called "Dark Evil Witch-dark of Darkness." I think those suggestions up there ought to help out, and if you can pull this off, you'll have a really great story in your hands. Good luck!

>>14236091423609 I'm going to guess it was from Lord of the Rings: Return of the King? The whole Age of Man thing seems to fit...

>>14236091423609 You know, i really like that. i just might use it for the final battle, with your permission of course.

>>14236291423629 thanks for the feedback and i intentionally held back going into too much detail because i'm holding it in reserve for after the battles. The time when people are most raw and willing to trust others, there will be stories around a fire and motivations revealed. i have read the piano man and i don't want to make anyone hate the ponies but i'm not going to make them the good guy. they had the power to stop slavery and they didn't, that's going to be a major drive

>>14236431423643>>14236481423648 nailed it baker and go for it soul i dont mind. to behonest i actually drempt up that speech. i had just watched lord of the rings then afterwards i thought of.. what if we were slaves and rebelling against ponies?. then i remember saying that speech and charging aragon style before waking up about 20 seconds in just before i got decapitated by celestia who was swinging about 50 blades in a big line..... twas a strange and fun dream....

anyway the piont of that rambling is yes go for it soul i dont mind if you use it and yes i did get part of it from lord of the rings, heres your cookie!

Image: http://aimfundraising.com/images/home-cookiedough.jpg

Paragraphs need to be consistent to some degree, throwing in random walls of text is frustrating.

When someone speaks it's nice to know who's speaking and how they're speaking it, descriptions are your friends.

Relax and take your time. Develop your characters, show us their plight, their bonds and reasons for survival.

Read the works of others and learn from their example.

SLOOOOW DOWWWN

seriously is a good story but you need to flesh things out a little more.

look up some of the more famous fics on this site like article 2 and study the pacing.

Ohohohoho hopefully this little group of people will win in there fight for there own and race freedome and for the creatures of the everfree forest and shove the ponies griffins and diamond dogs the slaver is bad specialy if you whant to slave humans becouse when humans are yoused as slaves they get pissed and if a group of humans get pissed they go to war and if they go to war they shOW HO IS THE BOSS!!!!! Slavery is bad ...hhhhmkay?

Also why is Iron Will is in the tags? Becouse he is a salesman(minotaur?) and he is a big slaver boss? Or he is going to shove thos ponies ho is the "realy" monster by kicking there sorry flank to next tuesday becouse slavery? (oh plz plz pzl be the if he is going to be a mayor character make him a hero for humanity or something plz when I searched for storyes about him I never founded a good one where he is a good guy so it woud be nice if he coud be a good guy here ummm you know if it's okay wiht you.)

>>14285131428513 Iron will shows up at the end of chapter 3 and you'd be surprised at his motives.

>>14284901428490 sorry but to me this is slow, my mind just runs so fast that my fingers can barely keep up.

>>14282951428295 awesome, thanks and i'll try but more often than not if there's a few

spaces like that it means there's a time skip

>>14285451428545

That may be so but it IS something you need to work on. Your story sounds more like a story board then a actual stand alone fic. You can make this a lot better and the community will love you for it.

Humanity has evolved though war and we are the apex predators in our world the ponies will learn that friendship and magic is useless against the sheer ferocity of revenge

hmm other then the exstreemly high pace its all good.

allthough if your having trouble slowing down go into more detail other then that

We are the army of the badlands and we follow SIlver strike into battle!

Image: http://medieval2.heavengames.com/albums/screenshots/Medieval_II_Total_War_PCScreenshots6286MTW2_10_10_0249.sized.jpg

Long have we stayed hidden from the slavers waiting and now we shall strike! Hold fast freedom fighters of the everfree! we come to assist you!

P.S. ignored the horse riders in our army .... there domesticated non slaver ones from earth

>>14285901428590 alright but it will be an uphill battle for me. I'll try my hardest.

>>14294191429419 that's the plot here. at least part of it.

>>14304451430445 well alrighty then, i don't really have a response to that but i try to respond to all the comments

>>14417211441721 just a little role play in the comments

>>14432441443244 oh, well good on ya. fun like that is what makes the world go round

i wonder when are you planing on makeing part 3 i cant wait its gona be so awsome andomgicantwaititsgonabesocoolandamazing

>>14684101468410 i'm working on it but i had a bit of a mental breakdown so it might be a couple days.

>>14698221469822 oh well i can wait

>>14702171470217 not much longer, give me a day or two and i'll be done. or possibly a few hours, depends on whoever is rattling around in my head right now.

>>14702601470260 allright fater than i thought good

Take all the time in the world dude.

I'm not so good with comforting people about losing there loved ones, so take a quote.

Image: http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/482119_350110308429015_632552165_n.jpg

I can't find anymore sad emoticons.

Just remember, suicide is forthe week and stupid

>>23092142309214

dude, not cool. my brother committed suicide a few years ago

>>23116902311690

Well, that is sad, but.I am not morbid  you can always suck it up and deal with it, I have had to

>>23122992312299

last tried i tried to just ignore it i was thrown into an insane asylum for a week. spend a week in an insane asylum and you'll realize you're sane pretty fucking quick...

>>23123092312309

try getting off cocaine  and heroin.

Btw, I like you, you dont give when pushed

>>23124962312496

hmm alright I've never been addicted to drugs but how about getting so drunk that when you wake up you've lost 20 IQ points and you're in a dumpster two states over with a dog

and thank you, it seems as if you speak your mind which i both respect and appreciate

>>23153072315307

And that is why I,am now clean and oing to church every sunady

>>23157362315736

i always feel uncomfortable in churches, i sweat a lot for some reason whenever i step foot in one

>>23160442316044

Question, do you happen to be a hookerby chance?

>>23161452316145

nope, i'm a music tutor