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This is a pretty good start, I'll watch this with anticipation!
Very interesting
Eh, it's not bad. I'd say the end is a bit of a tease, but it's not like I'm any less guilty when it comes to that.
>"Discord! Reveal yourself!" The princess shouted.
>"Good morning," The fake princess said politely.
>What," She said mock-quizzically, "is that?"
(And so on and so forth)
Any time there is a dialogue attribution, the exposition following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalized. You got the commas right, but forgot to leave the following word lower-case.
>"Discord! Reveal yourself!" the princess shouted.
>"Good morning," the fake princess said politely.
>What," she said mock-quizzically, "is that?"
Your use of adverbs (tacking on -ly to the end of a word) is a tad excessive. They aren't wrong, per se, but their use is considered to be a sign of someone that lacks the ability to play with sentence structure and has a smaller vocabulary.
http://www.reddit.com/r/writing/comments/g0nrm/still_one_of_my_favorite_lists_of_rules/
>Use strong verbs in preference to adverbs. I won’t say avoid adverbs, period, because about once every fifty pages they’re okay! What’s not okay is to use an adverb as an excuse for failing to find the correct verb. To ‘walk slowly’ is much less effective than to ‘plod’ or ‘trudge’. To ‘connect strongly’ is much less effective than to ‘forge a connection’.
>The next morning, as the moon prepared to leave its stage, Celestia awoke, blinked wearily, shifted in the bed- and found out what Discord had done.
>shifted in the bed- and found out
Eww, hyphen. That calls for an em-dash ( — ). Hyphens are used to join words ("high-ranking", for example), not thoughts or sentences.
As a final point, you should read your story out-loud. Your body's natural pauses should help you with your comma placement and identify awkward sentences.
DAHHHHHHH Dinally an Alicorn Adult Foal story Celestia must be watching over me.
1985288 Cool, thanks. I'll check those out. How do you do an em-dash?
1985494 Yeah, I always thought that a direct attack on Celestia would be something Discord would do, yet it's never happened.
1985265 1984672 Glad you like it!
2002997
There's a Hex shortcut for them, but damned if I know it. I just Google "em-dash" and then copy/paste the example from Wikipedia into the document, then if I ever need one I can just c/p it. In Gdocs and MSWord you can go through their respective Insert menus and track them down there as well, but Wikipedia is probably faster unless you know how to navigate those.
2003004
2003003
You know, you can reply to all people in the same comment. No need to spam your comments with individual replies.
CONTINUE THIS! MOAR! 0110001101!
I heartily approve this! More please, can't wait. There's actually an RP I've seen with a similar idea but just looking at what you've written so far this will be way more awesome. I'd give you another thumbs up if I could. Time to see Celestia embarrassed! (Although I do actually like her)
rushed? nah....
but uh why doesn't this story appear im your user page or in other places properly?.....
2158966 images.sodahead.com/polls/002285089/4617406089_132098591863_answer_12_xlarge.png
Please continue this!
2550546 I am but finding time to write is not easy. Exam season is just starting so I'm afraid I won't be releasing owt until that whole shitstorm finishes, but I am usually writing regularly. Very slowly, but regularly.
2552446 same here, STAR testing...urgh
2560342 denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3539-1331408010099.jpg
HOW LONG CAN EXAMS TAKE!? Hurry up I want more! Please?
2644145 What the fuck did you just fucking say, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in writing school, I’ve been involved in numerous secret writing challenges on FiMfiction, and I have over 300 confirmed stories on EqD. I am trained in guerilla storytelling and I’m the top writer in the entire Friendship Arsenal. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before in Equestria, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can write you to death in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare keyboard. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed writing but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United Brony Forces and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.
2644243
So is that two weeks until the exams are finished?
2644391 Three & a half; 21st June is the date of my last exam. The story's going fine but slowly. It doesn't help that my brain is going "Hey, you know how there are people who want to read the next chapter? Well here's how to finish the story."
2644500
Cool look forward to the next update. And good luck in your exams, I failed most of mine!
We wish thou luck in thy papers. We enjoyed thy scroll greatly and very much enjoyed Our sarcasm. Keep writing hoof servant!
2697282 'Hoof servant'? What dost thou imply? Thou had best treat thy writers with greater respect or thou may find thyselves suddenly lacking in reading materials. Being a princess doth not permit one to forget one's manners!
2697347 We do not have royal scribes although if thou wishes We can grant thou that honour? Forgive Our wording, We have been locked away for a thousand years and We are learning anew how to treat ponies.
why was this only added to w/e folder just now?....
2697989 Don't know what w/e is but I changed it as I first put it in the group before the folder changes. I regret it now as it would fit better in the 'general' folder but I don't want to put it back or it'll look like I'm spamming it to get notifications. If I could just move it to a different folder without every member getting a notification that would be better but I don't know how to do that.
2698016 oh....
and w/e = what ever
2698034 Whatever being general/main? I thought I put it in regression fetish.
2698043 yup that's where the notification says it's in now....
2698074 Literally just figured out how to just change folder. Dat timing.
2698079 indeed , dat timing attack.....
2698083 Anyway it should be in and only in the general folder now.
2698088 yup i see it there now....
Keep it up. This is getting good.
*Gets a bag of popcorn and reclines in chair*
Now, to play the waiting game.
3105977 Hope you've got a lot of popcorn... If you like my writing you'd do better to watch me because I won't be updating this for some time at least.
3108205 On it! Sir!
3109799 I'm not a knight, not yet anyway. My proper title is Swag-maestro.
Do you mean not
3556076
As in not fly over his property?
It's on hiatus...are you going to finish it?
3611747
Not any time soon, I'm afraid. You're better off following me if you want more of my writing.
I remember when this story first came about, I hope it continues, but I understand if you're busy