2
59
116
Joined September 2012
71
351
Shadow mane has never lived an easy life. Growing up parentless have left her shy, Quiet, And scared. However she will soon learn that even ponies like her can find friendship in strange places.But when Life takes Their toll, She has to leave to all that loves her..
I like where this is going. Heack, i think this would be a great story.
But there are simply too many spelling, grammar, layout and plot issues for me to accept it like the good story it is
I suggest you take some time to proof read the story for spelling and grammar. The story also feels like it skips a lot and progresses far to quickly with no real detail to effectively immerse the reader in the atory.
I'd love to read the rest of this fic but at the moment its just not at the quality standard for most people to enjoy it. <3 
Still many grammatical errors. Plot line errors that also need working on.
Luna's lines need some work done too, but I still like it.
I would love to help.
I suggest going to Proofreaders and People willing to proof-read.
That group has many others whom are also willing to help.
A Young filly, Her cutie mark was A heart and a rose Together. Her name was..... Shadow Mane. She was a lonely girl who most people say she was a shadow trailing others in the moonlight. This is a sad story about a girl who makes a friend... His name was Jackson.He was a Nice shy boy like she was (> Implying she is a boy.). Shadow was a Beautiful Singer and her mane was Grey and her body was Shaded blue... People say she was a young version of luna when they see her in the ever free forest at night. She dosent have parents. She wanders around ponyville and is friends with the cutie mark crusaders. She barely talks and her mane is so long it dragges behind her. She is friends with the mane six and their sisters and then.... She finds out something that will change her life forever.
Hello again PegasisterInBlack!
Let me be the first to give you some support. I like the concept, this sad history has potential.
But you could write it in a different way. The part where she is telling us what she is writing on her diary, use italics to show us that she is thinking not talking, and telling everything to herself.
Where you put just capital letters, use bold to give it some spotlight, or just leave it in italics, we can guess what is happening by reading, don't worry.
Emoticons are forms of showing reactions, but don't use them on a writed story, use words to describe the character reactions, even how his/her face is.
Before posting, see how your story is appearing at the site, and correct it to not leave huge holes between the paragraphs.
And do not force a cliffhanger, do it by knowing how your chapter will end, and post at the right moment to give your readers the feel to come back for more.
Try to rethink about your history, rewrite it if necessary, and repost, or just apply the necessary corrections. Remember to look for a editor or a proof-reader, that help A LOT! 
I really hope that my advice helped, because like you I am a amateur, and we have to help each other to improve! 
The very first thing that I see is a wall of text, huh? Okay. Reformatting time. *cracks knuckles* Let's do this.
Dear diary.Today I was bullied at school. Like always. Diamond Tiara is such a snob with her stupid cutie mark. I would tell her to leave the CMC alone but.... I'm afraid. I don't always have someone to back me up if something goes wrong. Like you know I don't have parents and they would have helped me.... If they wouldn't of messed with Molestia. Believe me, I'm surprised they actually said her name in a sentence before that.
Well, let's get this straight with Diamond Tiara . What does Tiara's cutie mark mean? I just don't get it. Today when I went to the playground quietly to write in this diary, she said ''Hey, loser! What are you writing in? Something about how nerdy you are?" She laughed hysterically. "Maybe you're writing about when you went to the Supermare convention!" She laughed again. "You loser!" She knocked the book out of my hooves and threw it into a pile of dirt, making the furr on it turn into a slight grey mush. ''Good luck writing now, loser!''
Well, after school today I went over to the Carousel Boutique and asked if I could get it repaired. Sweetie Belle wasn't there because she had the Cutie Mark Crusader meetings every day after school. After that, I was going to see what the Cutie Mark Crusaders were doing and decided to go the the clubhouse and knock on the door. They were there and were surprised to see me. ''Hey, girl, what are you doing over there? You seem sad!'' Applebloom trotted over to me with a warm smile sitting me down and the chair of the clubhouse.
"Guess what we are going to try today for our cutie marks!'' Scootaloo said as she glanced over to the map on the wall.
''What are you doing, Scootaloo?''
And voilá! The wall of text is no more! I even corrected the numerous capitalization and grammar errors, free of charge! Now maybe most of your readers' eyes won't bleed within seconds of opening the first chapter. That hardly helps the story make any more sense, though.
Speaking of the story, what do I have to say about it? Well, where do I begin? I'm not gonna bother touching the OC's name. (My OC's name is Shadow Streak, so as far as I'm concerned, critiquing yours would be a bit hypocritical) However, there are still plenty of things worth pointing out. Let's start with the very first that that every single reader will see: the description. Cut. It. Down! You're supposed to give us the premise of the story, not your OC's bio. Try something like:
Shadow Mane never lived an easy life. Growing up parentless has left her quiet, shy, and scared. However, she will soon learn that even ponies like her can find friendship in strange places.
It's not the best, not by a mile, but do you get my point? Spending the whole description setting up your character's background is a very bad idea, one that will have people reaching for that red thumb before they even click on your story. 'Show, don't tell' is the lesson here. Ponies think that she resembles Luna at times? Describe a scene that shows that, don't flat-out tell us. She's a wonderful singer? Then have a scene of her singing at a talent show or something, where her angelic voice captivates the audience with nearly orgasmic results. Her mane is long? Describe it, don't just tell us. Hell, have her trip over her long mane just to show us that it's longer than usual.
Jesus, I didn't even get into the actual story yet, did I? Right, let's get to the story. Well, I don't really feel like typing a whole essay again, so I'll just list down what you generally need to fix.
Caps lock: Unless you're using the Royal Canterlot Voice, don't use it. It makes your dialogue come across as even more stilted and forced than it already is. If you're character is yelling, use exclamation marks, not all caps.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling/Awkward Sentences: There were multiple examples of all four of these sprinkled throughout that monster of a wall I fixed for you. I fixed some of them (save for the awkward sentences), but I highly suggest that you get an editor so that you can get a very good proofreading to fix that sort of thing.
Your OC's background: Where is it? Don't say it's in the description, because if you fix it (which you should), it won't be there anymore. You need to explain how Shadow Mane met the CMC. You need to explain how she met the Mane 6. You need to explain your character before I can begin to feel any sympathy for her. That's the whole point of a sad story. I'm supposed to empathize with the character before you start throwing all the bad crap at her. Just start with the bad crap and I won't really care.
That's another thing that I feel I should touch on. For this kind of fic, the chapter lengths just aren't doing it for me. Things are moving way too fast for me to really care about what's happening. There's no emotional build-up, no emotional drama. Things just happen and the story moves on. If you want me to feel for this character, then you're gonna have to flesh her out a lot more. That means a rewrite. An overhaul, if you will. I like to think that stories like these have potential, but it's up to you as an author to help use that potential to its fullest.
Like I said, I suggest rewriting this, preferably with an editor peering over your shoulder. It doesn't sound easy, I know, but writing a good story is rarely ever easy.
Goodbye, and best of luck to you.
>>1419958 Normally, those guys give me chills! 
Only to think of one of them appearing at my story, I have nightmares! 
I already know about their reviews and all, and the guys are pretty good alright, but I think that they could cut the sarcasm and be a little gentler with us. 
Or maybe not... I don't know.
The Train Wreck Explorers. It's basically their job to hunt down and review/tear down bad stories. Generally, the members will review a story, but depending on how bad the story is, their reviews can range from simply correcting a story's errors, offer a few suggestions to improve and leave it at that, or they'll tear your story a new one without mercy. Trust me, seeing the latter is almost always a better read than the fic itself. I call them 'brutally honest' myself, but some like to call them the spawns of the devil. Definitely one of the more interesting groups on this site, I gotta say.
>>1420126 They are the Train Wreck Explorers! The fear in the form of bronies!
Just kidding. 
They are a group that do reviews on the histories, and they have a legendary meme that spread on this forum like wildfire. They are very good, but with them, you are a writer or you need to improve a LOT, and they are not going to hold back in showing you your silly mistakes. 
Right then... newly officiated TWE reviewer ambion on the case.
I'll do everything I can to point out the various flaws in this train wreck. Let us begin.
Red indicates a typo or lexical error.
Blue shows something I would add into the story.
Green highlights a grammatical and/or syntactical flaw.
Purple draws your attention to something I've noticed.
Orange is used for general note-making.
Stuff I'm saying is underlined and/or italicised, because I'm disorderly like that
Dear diary.Today I was bullied at school. Like always. Diamond tiara Is such a snob With her stupid cutie mark.. I would tell her to leave the CMC alone but.... Im afraid..... I don't always have someone to back me up if something goes wrong... Like you know I don't have parents and They would of helped me.... If they wouldn't of messed with Molestia.... Believe me.. Im suprized they actually said her name in a sentence before that. Well Lets get this straight with Diamond tiara . What is this should be 'does' tiara's cutie mark mean? I just don't get it... Today when I went to the playground quietly with my journal (the one I am writing in) this seems quite redundant She said ''HEY LOSER WHAT ARE YOU WRITING IN? Eww caps eww... SOME THINGS ABOUT HOW NERDY YOU AREperiod ''Laughs histericly'' Nope. The qoutaion marks are for dialogue. This is a first person narrative account, so you wouldn't use dialogue normally, let alone how you've done it here. "laughs hysterically" is just plain bad writing. MAYBE YOUR WRITING ABOUT WHEN YOU WENT TO THE SUPERMARE CONVENTION! HAHAHAHA YOU LOSER!'' She knocks again, this is a narrative account; so it must be in past tense. She's hardly writing in the book while this is happening. the book out of my hands A big huge raging nope and throws it into a pile of dirt making the furr whut? on it turn into a slight grey mush. ''GOOD LUCK WRITING IN THAT NOW LOSER~!'' Well after school today I went over to Carosel boutique and asked if I could a double spacing here get it repaired. Sweetie belle wasn't there because she had the cutie mark crusader meetings everyday after school. After that I was going to see what another double spacing, theres others around as well the cutie mark crusaders were doing and decided to go the the clubhouse and knock on the door. They were there and were surprised to see me. ''Hey Girl what are you doing over there! New Dialogue = New Paragraph You seem sad!'' Applebloom trotted over to me with a warm smile sitting me down and the chair of the clubhouse. ''Guess what we are going to try today for our cutie marks!''again, new paragraph. Scootaloo said as she glanced over to the map on the wall. ''What Are you doing scootaloo?''
''We are going to try tightrope walking!'' ''Good for you..... =0'' She looked sarcastically at the three girls making their happy smiles turn into sad frowns. You just switched narrative style from first person to third. Don't do this unless you really, REALLY know what you're doing, and It's fair of me to think that you don't.
''Okay Girl But I'm warning you.''
Sweetie belle shoved Her
towards a random new paragprah? Sort of...the exit and slammed the door on her hooves making an unbearable wound on her hooves. Whut? WHUT? Sweetie Belle just acts the ass for no readily apparant reason? That's so very Out Of Character for her.
Shadow had a round of Tearing pain a round of tearing pain? What is that supposed to mean? Sounds like a shot of Tequila and the girls laughed as she cried and screamed for help for her wound's wounds. 'Wound's' would be possessive, as in, the wounds owned something.
Does this look like a mash up of rainbow vomit? Yes. Yes it does. It looks like a mess, because it is a mess. A few notes:
-Names. Captialze. Them. Always. First Word. Second Word. Simples. Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo. Diamond Tiara
-Dot Dot Dot. The three dots are called 'ellipses.' Don't use two, don't use four or more. Use three. Exactly three. To see them in action, they look like... this, with a space...or not. Both are acceptable formats. dot dot dot -space- or just dot dot dot. No more, no less.
-ROYAL CANTERLOT VOICE. Just don't. A filly being mean doesn't necessitate the capslock. If the voice is not toppling trees and flattening homes, then don't.
-narrative style. This is a journal, yes? Then it's first person narrative. I did this, I felt that not 'she.' And as I've already said, it's proper to use past tense in writing, and necessary here because she's obviously not writing the events as they are happening to her.
-Pargraphs. By the Holey Hooves of the Queen, Use Paragraphs. Sheesh. Fundamentally, each idea merits its own paragraph. Every time the subject changes, or the stream of thought takes a new direction, New Paragraph! I won't even insist you indent! Otherwise you get this wall of text you've presented us with.
-- Likewise, everytime a Different Character Speaks - New paragraph. If in doubt, NeW pArAgRaPh. It's better to have too many then too few.
-General typos and silliness. Preread. Auocorrect doesn't count, because it's got no thinking mind behind it and won't catch a great deal of clear errors. You've got typos, double spacings, extra periods, missing periods, things like "laughing hysterically" which shouldn't be in the writing at all...
...And this is all just the technical stuff of just the first bit. See why it's a train wreck?
Moving past the writing...the story is weak. We've got an OC we know nothing about, in a situation we know nothing about, and the characters we do know something about, the canon characters, are either speaking in Royal CANTERLOCKS or acting entirely out of character anyway.
What a sad life for a sad young filly. Who could someone that every pony hates be loved. Find out in chapter two.Don't do this. Really. There's a reason you can leave a couple of spaces and make an author's notes, and saying 'read chapter two' is entirely redundant.
Oh. One last thing. Your title. "My Pain And sorrow." <-- is a typo also. Should be "My Pain and Sorrow" or "My pain and sorrow," though I'd recommend the former. Never capitalize 'and.'
Bah, until I bother to make a witty TWE signature, I'll make stuff up on the fly.
...wait for it...
...
...aww, screw it.
CHOO CHOO, MOTHERFUCKER
I feel sorry for you... The mental trauma can be enough to force you to go to a psychiatrist for some years... 
Stay strong man, we are all here with you... 
And by the way, I fear that the TWEs are going to come after me for posting so many negative things about them!
Man! I so F*****!
>>1420438 A. Hothead there actually asked for the help. I don't know if he knew the person he was asking was a TWE reviewer, let alone one in our official (yet WILDLY unprofessional) Skype chat who could post the link to rope in the rest of the gang. The guys weren't too mean to him, and he's actually got a better attitude than most authors I see around the site.
B. Trust me, if we attacked everyone who talked shit about the group, we'd level half the site. In order to really make our shit list, you need a shitty story resume, a shitty attitude towards critics, a very vocal hatred of the group, or (more than likely) some combination of the three. It's the ones that hit all three marks (i.e. FelixDawn or Darkdrome7) that are the most fun.
>>1420615 Oh! Thank you for the explanation FallenPrime, now I can sleep better.
And now I will "talk" seriously (for a change ), I don't think that you guys attacks anypony on the forum.
My true opnion about the TWEs is that you are all doing a nice job, because I think that writers need a good punch on the stomach to not stay confortable, thinking that they are doing a great job, when they are just on the wrong track.
I REALLY want to become a professional writer, and I know how it takes guts to be one. Somepony giving me a good slap to put me back on my hooves after doing a bad job, is a nice way to improve!
I just went over the top with the jokes, so I'm sorry 
And hope that you guys continue to do what you guys do!
This is what I feel about being a TWE reviewer:
I have to be harsh so that the author can improve. The TWE is not just all about "choo choo! Your shit sucks lol," we want to help struggling authors improve. I hate seeing fellow authors get their work shunned after they put it out for the world to see, so I review it and try to give impartial advice and helpful tips.
The reason that we're so harsh is because we want you to take our advice (if you want of course), fix up your fic, and shove it in our faces saying: "Did I fix it enough for you Elec?" I want to he able to then look at it and shutter at the sheer brilliance that you've created; in essence, I want you to fix it and make me eat my own words.
Sorry if I'm ranting, I'm just really passionate about this.
And I totaly understand you.
And by the way, feel free to rant, I am the type that like a good talk (Even in a foreign language to me!)
You know how the internet works, some people will hear you out, take your advice, and use it to improve.
Some will start to cry thinking that they are the most terrible creatures on the world and give up on writing.
And some will start a crazy flame war, trying to be the voice of the truth, and prove the people who are just trying to help them wrong.
It's really a crazy world!
As for myself, I try to be the nicest with everypony, maybe all the love and tolerate thing dominated my sense of ridiculous.
So please, continue with your work! 
Yo Pega,
You're doing this on purpose aren't you? Writing bad stories for... fun and profit?
I just don't get it. You came up with a clopfic that was buried really quickly then deleted, then you make another bad story. And to top it all off, you're praising Mare in the Moon for her bad fic.
Admit it, you're trolling.
... So, if you guys are, like, the Canterlot Royal Guard, am I Mare Do Well?
I'm Mare Do Well, aren't I?
This is a good night.
>>1419754I'm not sure why your comment made me laugh as much as it did
Protip: If you're going to reply to someone's comment (I think you were replying to this guy: >>1422539), use this button:
You did this in your previous comment. Why didn't you use it that time? Or, better yet, put them both in one comment?
People have offered to HELP you. Why do you then think you should quit writing? Take the help. Most of the offers come from people who are members of a group you are in.
In any event, you have two choices:
1. Take the help, learn from your mistakes, and become a better writer.
2. Give up and remain a not-so-good writer.
Take your pick, but if you actually have any desire to write stories, there is only one obvious answer.
The flames of strife and sorrow reforge us into stronger beings.
Writing is simply something you need to keep trying. Believe me, many of us have gone through the exact same stage as you. All you have to do is fight through the storm and produce work you're truly proud of.
CSquared speaks the truth as well.
>>1424185 No. Don't quit. When I started, my stories were just as bad, if not worse. I learned from my mistakes, and used the help people offered me to make myself a better writer. If you were to look back at my very first story, you wouldn't believe how much I've changed. Like Steel said, writing is something you need to keep trying. I don't know about them, but I'll be watching you; if you feel like you need any help, ask one of us. One more thing: A while back, I managed to write something that I, for the first time, was actually proud of. I hope you'll be able to experience that same feeling.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
351 ( 1,107 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Trixie_lolface_2.png
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/sillyfilly_Sweetie_Belle.png
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra_cry.png
Image: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Queen_Chrysalis.png
Image: http://i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
Image: http://static.fimfiction.net/images/story_images/40028.png?1343014554
Image: //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Rainbow_Dash.png
Image: http://static.fimfiction.net/images/icons/comments.png
Cancel
Send