Turned out REALLY well

Before I read this, please, ask for criticism instead of saying it is your first story. It only gets annoying.

Hooboy, you've got to be kidding me. Firstly, you've used perhaps the most cliche 'Pony X's a Y' subject in history. I can name at least three that have been written exactly like this, but slightly better.

Secondly, you spelt one of the Princess' names wrong. I'll let you figure out which.

Thirdly, what in god's name made you write a 'Pony X's a Y' fic as your very first?

Fourth, you severely need a pre-reader of some kind if you want to continue writing. This story was littered with grammatical, syntactical and lexical mistakes that rival even 'The Tail of pRince Willis' in magnitude.

Fifth, the storyline left me more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish market. This is my summary of the story:

"Oh look, a magical device! Let's have a lo- argh! My face is on it! I have a mirror, but I'll pass out anyway!"

"Hmm, I'll try again! Not like that last incident will put me off! To the Internet, wheee!"

"Oh look, I'm an Internet guru now."

So yeah, that may be harsh but that's what I thought of the plot. Basic humour, illogical storyline, left me feeling more disappointed than a Socialist in Weimar Germany. (Yeah, I'm writing a politics essay.)

I this!

I shall read it!

I have now read it! Though it could be better. A lot better.

>>14194221419422 Ah, I see which one!

>>14195271419527 See which what? Sorry, my mind is overloaded at the moment

Not bad i really like it

>>14195731419573 Which princess name is misspelled. I should've been more specific.

>>14197251419725 Ah

"The Mic levitated up. " Mares and Gentlestallions,"" I had no idea the Mic was a name!

My, my, my. Another one? I remember doing one rather like this.

But I digress.

While I do appreciate a good ol' "One of the characters (typically a princess) finds out about humanity's modern day technology" fan fiction, this one could be better. For one, it needs lots of work on spelling and revision. Seriously, this story has more grammatical, lexical, and syntactical errors than a Swiss cheese has holes, and this is all coming from a North African/Arab teenager who shouldn't even know about the English language, let alone lecture someone on it.

Literally. It hurts my brain.

Moreover, a story like this is, once again, making this genre of "One of the ponies (typically a princess) find out about one of humanity's modern day technology" much more cliched than we need. It's a bit of a shame to see that one of my many favorite genres (I'm a man of many tastes, OK?) are slowly being disregarded by fan fictions like this one. Now, I'm not saying that this story is bad. But it's not exactly good, either. Think of it like earning a C-: passing, but just barely.

Thirdly: the picture doesn't exactly make sense with the text. How in Merlin's saggy left buttcheek does the picture of Luna being a noob-slaying computer gamer have to do with the text that tells about how Luna not only goes apeshit and faints at the mysteries of the computer, but also how she's mastered it in next to no time? It seems rather, er... hard to believe, no? Plus, while I should say that technology and electricity don't exist (yet ) in Equestria, that'd be me contradicting my own fiction, so I won't do that.

And finally: don't just simply say "OH, IT'S MY FIRST STORY". That won't bring readers towards you. Write about how you require constructive criticism (like what I'm whooping your ass with now) and what could be changed, or what mistakes you made. That's what you could do to improve on your writing and write better fan fictions.

Trust me, the potential is buried in you, but all you need to do is dig deep for it, like how Steve from Minecraft gets a hankerin' for diamonds.

Good luck on whatever fic is up YOUR sleeve, and farewell, mate.

>>14198251419825 Actually, there are several examples of electricity in Equestria, namely Vinyl Scratch's mixing deck and the lighting rigs at Rarity's fashion show. (I think, I can't remember if the lights had glowworms or not )

>>14198471419847

Actually, you're right: but how the hell does Vinyl Scratch have access to electricity? Everypony would be absolutely green with envy... that or curious.

Also, I think another example of electricity were the lights at the Cutie Mark Crusader's performance at the talent show.

But I guess what I meant to say is that incredibly advanced electricity shouldn't exist... at least yet.

>>14197281419728 I fell like I should respond, but I'm not sure how. Well, I guess that problem solved itself.

Sorry about all of the problems. I understand if you don't like it. I wil edit it. Sorry about all of the problems guys!

>>14194221419422 I know Cadance is spelled wrong. It's Cadence.

Luna discovers a tired concept that leaves its audience similarly tired.

>>14199251419925 It's not so much that we don't like it, but more rather that it needs a lot of work. The idea is nice but the cutting back n' forth between Luna and Celestia made it far more tiresome to read, and i'm sure more then just myself are wondering: why is Celestia just now becoming addicted to the computer? She has had it for much longer then Luna and should have already dealt with the ramification of neglecting one's duties. All I have left to say is: If you wish to continue writing, take what has been said here, learn from it, and become better.

If'n you wanna drive Luna away from the computer... introduce her to 4chan, derpibooru, and e621. :3 She'll either never touch it again.... or she's hopelessly lost to you forever.

>>14198801419880

Spike was also wearing a lampshade on his head in episode 1. It would be strange to put a lampshade on a candle. So electricity might not be too far fetched.

Luna with electronics... overused, stupid and... bleh I  got better things to do than critique this.