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I'm editing some chapters, so please be patient if they're a bit raw.

Editing chapters: (5-10)

Tara Sparkle, a nineteen year old librarian, prized student of  the Princess Celeste, was enjoying the company of her five best friends and her loving younger brother, Sam. But then a strange book is found in her library leading her to investigate the strange book.

She later ends up in an extremely colorful world filled with... ponies? Tara is unfairly stuck in the realm of Equestria.

All Tara wanted to do was to discover the origin of the book; but now, all she wants is to go home. Meeting colorful and strangely familiar friends, and herself.

First Published
30th Dec 2011
Last Modified
6th Mar 2013

Several things...

Could you please fix the "wall-o-text"?

Every time someone speaks, or whenever the point of interest changes, you need to make a new paragraph (line of text).

Please try to maintain a tense. You slip between past-tense and present-tense several times within this story. I personally recommend past-tense, but as the author the choice is completely up to you.

Try to be more descriptive in the scenes.

Your scene:

"Tara" a frail voice came from Sam's room, she walked in to see her brother climb on the bed "I've been meaning to ask you something" Sam said waiting for her to respond "okay shoot".Sam wasting no time asked his question "why did you beg mom and dad to take me with you" Tara looked at him with a surprised expression "I guess you heard that awhile back" she said with a caring smile.Tara climbs up on the bed embracing Sam in a tight hold "I just couldn't stand leaving my little brother behind" she said  squeezing him tighter

Example of altered scene:

"Tara" a frail voice came from Sam's room.

Tara walked lightly to her brothers room, pushing open the partially closed door in time to see Sam climb onto his bed.

"I've been meaning to ask you something" Sam said, absentmindedly playing with the corner of a pillow he held in his lap.

"Okay shoot." She responded, crossing the room to stand next to the bed.

"Why did you beg mom and dad to take me with you?" Sam quickly asked, giving his big sister a confused look.

Tara regarded him with a surprised expression "I guess you heard that, huh" she said with a caring smile while lowering herself to sit on the bed beside him. She embraced Sam in a tight hug "I just couldn't stand leaving my little brother behind" she said, squeezing him tighter.

~ That is just a very quick rough edit, but I think you should get the basic idea of what I am trying to tell you.

No one is perfect and you cannot expect to have a solid gold story the first run though. That is what drafts, editors, and pre-readers are for.

I would also recommend you read the "pre-reader omnibus" here http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/editors-omnibus-submitting-fanfiction.html .

There are other resources out there to help improve your writing, but that should at least be a start.

I am not saying these things to be mean or unnecessarily critical and I apologize if it comes across that way. I simply think you have potential and would like to see you improve your writing skills to fulfill that potential.

>>97568Thanks for the feedback most things slip by first draft and I wrote the chapter in bits and pieces (Because I have the attention span the size of a peanut) leaving me hard to tell which tense the story was in.By the time you see this I probably edited the best I can do with my time span

Very creative take on the standard "Human/Pony" stories. I like it!


you just substituted a wall of text with a wall of text :ajbemused:

Hehehhehehe :twilightsmile: More please?

I really like the story itself, but I have to agree with AutumnTwilight up there, the grammar could be improved quite a bit, and it would make the story go from just "good" to "great".

I like it but how would any of the ponies know what a human is? Also, I see you making a few errors in the story from time to time. Perhaps read over your work two or three times after finishing it, just so you can catch the errors and correct them. Just constructive criticism bro. Other than that, you're doing really well.

I agree with King about the ponies knowing about humans part

Never mind I see where you're going with it the human bit

>>102696 To clarify humans are a mythological creatures as pegasi and unicorns are to humans.

some ponies never heard of them, some of them grew up hearing stories about them.And some still believe they exist as shown in an earlier chapter.

I'll try and clarify it when I edit the chapters.

This is cute. Like the alternate universe thing; it's really well set up. Looking forward to more.

Ever heard of Sitting Lyra?:applejackunsure:

Amazing concept.  I always thought Human in Equestria was overdone, an I always found Human Ponies tacky, but you put them together and with excellent character analysis, made an enjoyable story to look forward to.


While the premises and idea is interesting enough, the main fault of this story so far is formatting and grammar. It would really help if you just take some time to got through the story again and give it a final polish. Alternatively you can get a pre-reader to help you. You have an interesting story idea, that's the first step. Next is making it visually presentable and easily readable. If someone finds it more difficult to follow the story when reading it or is bothered by the grammar, they'll pay less attention to the content of the story itself. For example, for the most part you don't place any punctuation at the end a sentence of speech. A basic point of grammar is placing a space after a period or a comma. Another minor issue would be your pacing, right now the story seems slightly rushed. In my opinion, sometimes the thoughts and actions of the characters seem rather arbitrary.

I don't mean to be negative or nit-picky, I just want to see your story at its best. This is all my personal opinion. I do hope this helps.

I agree with Valaris.

It's a great premise; I really like where this is going- but the formatting and grammar is, for lack of a better word, atrocious.

I really want to help you with this, but I really wouldn't know where to start.

I'd suggest reading the Editor's Omnibus -> http://www.equestriadaily.com/2011/12/editors-omnibus-submitting-fanfiction.html#comment-form <- for tips and such, then use that knowledge to go through and edit your fic.

This fic has real potential, but you have to present it well.

Once you do so, message me on the clan site or something and I'd be happy to give you a proper edit or something.

I have no fucking clue what these guys talking about

this is one great story just keep writing the way you

are and post the next chapter

Oh hey thought this was dead

Same here.

this could get interesting, magic showdown:derpyderp1:

Perfectly symmetrical violence never solves anything

Ok this fic was just plodding along and now it's gotten interesting. I'm actually anticipating the next chapter. Also that was absolutely adorable.


>>239300 It doesn't but it makes things a hell of a lot more interesting!:rainbowlaugh:

fucking cliff hangers, mite as well go explode a few planets while i wait for an update.:twilightoops:

>>267004 Cliffhangers are the author's way of saying: "I'm an asshole!":twilightsheepish:


there is an epic battle going on here.... who is gunna win, cause magic totally never solves any problems.... the human with hands or maybe the unicorn with a horn.....

I thoroughly enjoyed this piece of literature. *like a sir*

Okay, okay...  The story is good, very good, but you need to use some punctuation.  There are no commas where there should be, and that just turns everything into a jumbled mess.

Comment posted by Space Jazz deleted at 7:08am on the 19th of July, 2013


Goddamit Lyra!  You see what you do?!  :twilightangry2:

I have awakened from my dormant state. Wait what? New chapter huzzah! About a month late... I don't know, is this format better or worse? Please, constructive criticism is welcomed. In fact encouraged, go for it.

Finally this has been updated!, I just hope that Lyra have a good wide coverage life and medical insurance because as soon as Twilight gets a hear about this... not even a single hair will be found from her:twilightangry2:, besides, "accidents" happens:pinkiecrazy::flutterrage:

#36 · 236w, 3d ago · · · Home ·

You sir are evil

#37 · 236w, 3d ago · · · Home ·

>>660928 I take that as a compliment. :pinkiecrazy:

#38 · 236w, 3d ago · · · Home ·

>>660936 i would hope so

#39 · 236w, 3d ago · · · Home ·

And the next day there will be a new cupcake flavor at Sugarcube Corner, with a free sample specially made for Bon-Bon, thse will be some gloriously justice filled, revenge sweetened mint flavored cupcakes:pinkiecrazy:

Ok, so now we have three Twilights, the local pony version of this universe, a human magic oriented one and another(if not an antropomorphic) one who is more technologically orientented... please make sure that the three of them encounter each other and team-up to work in a way to get the other two get to their home universes... eventually:trollestia:

Great job with this chapter and that's an exelent reaction of Twilight when she found out what happend to her human self, and what a better way to get her revenge than going "Psycho Sparkle" before sent in to the room "Cupcakes Pinkamena Dinae Pie", truthly an awesome chapter, now I'm prety sure that nopony will find not even a hair of Lyra ever again:twilightsmile::rainbowlaugh::yay::ajsmug::yay::raritywink::pinkiecrazy::moustache::trollestia:

#40 · 230w, 2d ago · · · Home ·

:raritycry::raritycry::raritycry:Not the cupcakes!!!!:pinkiecrazy:

Cool bonus scene.

It was so good! :pinkiehappy: Why did you take it out? It would have been a fantastic break from all the dark, dark, death that had been going on for the past few chapters.

>>1098639 Pretty much everything from that chapter was shortened to about half of its original length, plus my editor didn't want a 6000+ word filler "I have no idea what I'm doing I just kept writing." chapter outlast the ending. And with the more: never mentioned probably never going to see the light of day scenes would have boosted it up to 8000 words.

I see what you did with this eddit:yay:

#44 · 197w, 5d ago · · · Missing ·

Oh great, just another Solar Empire Vs. New Lunar Republic universe...

I want more Tara meeting bronies!

LOL, keep going with this hilarious story arc. :rainbowkiss:

Sweet. I can't believe that you're restarting the story arc from scratch. That's amazing! And it's pretty good so far too. I only have one complaint, and that's it keeps switching from view-to-view too fast, and I end up getting confused. This is especially troublesome with the large gap in updates that this story has. I'm not saying that large update gaps is a bad thing, and I know that you need your own time to do your own thing, but when I read a story then don't read it for a long time and try to pick it back up, it doesn't work too well. May I suggest putting up labels or warnings when you are about to switch points of view? For example, at the start of each chapter, you could put "*Tara Sparkle, First Person View*" underlined, then start the chapter. This way, the reader will know which character the story is following.

I wish you luck on further endeavors to create a spectacular climax!

>>2294795 Well, most of this story arc is stalling the climax with little chapters of humor before it hits the fan, (no, it's not as convoluted and dark as the first ending) . The ending is a lot more appropriate, (if you think giant killer robots are appropriate) As for the point of view switch, I don't notice it when I'm initially writing it, and I'm prepared to use the scapegoat that it is third person omniscient. (Look at that fancy word; I'm so proud of myself. :pinkiecrazy:) I go and visit the minds of every character, so I need to work on smoothly transitioning point of views. I for one, think telling a person straight forward can break the immersion of a fic, so I politefully decline your suggestion. I try to keep a ten-day update schedule as opposed to one update a week. An explanation for the long wait times between chapters:

A. I'm too lazy

B.My dumbass is trying to juggle two equally strange fics.

In short: A Long response is countered with a longer response. And thanks for helping, I always appreciate someone's help when it comes to making one of my fics better.

"Tara's brother was one of those rare ponies" If they are humans why they refer to themselves as ponies, that's bizarre.

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