Sometimes, all anyone needs is an escape from the daily grind, but when Cameron Harrison finally gets one, is it all he had hoped for?
A man who taught himself to stay strong through the worst of what life has thrown at him, Cam finds himself mysteriously dragged into a new world...
...And he's stuck there.
~
Please, comment and let me know what's been done right/wrong. This is still very much a work on progress
Credit to my co-author, Samaru163
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No glaring mistakes to me, and theres enough quirky fun beyond the dysfunctional family to make me keep an eye on this. Hoof up!
Be aware you may get razzed for having (mystery voice who defininitely speaks like Discord) drop him in the Everfree, but I dont mind any means of entry to Equestria in what I read.
Thanks for the comment, man.
The majority of it seems fine (even though there are a few technical issues that need rectifying), but I also feel that in some parts it went a bit too quick. It's almost like you thought it's getting to 4000 words, we'd better hurry up. It needs to be longer so that the story doesn't feel too rushed and quick. It's mostly in sections like the one where the voice comes into the forest and when he meets Twilight. His feelings don't quite match some of his actions, if you can think of it in that way.
However, parts like the meeting of Zecora were perfect because you got her dialect down to a tee. Perfection on that part
. Spike seemed well characterized and such...
Something that might help your hurried feeling might be to add more description to it; there is a lot of speech that can be broken up a bit more within it. Also try to be consistent with how you are writing his thoughts, in some places it's in italics and some places it is not.
Great cliffhanger at the end. That is a brilliant ending to make people want to read more. And well....Well done on what you have so far. I'll wait until the second chapter before judging whether or not it deserves a thumbs up and favourite (to see if you slow down the pace) but overall it really wasn't a bad first chapter. Congrats...
Something about it strikes me as abit rushed (no idea why), but other then that it's really enjoyable! Look forward to the next!
I'm liking the way this story is progressing so far, very nice. Although, one thing I must point out is that it tends to speed up at certain points, Other than that, you're good! Keep up the good work, I know I'm gonna enjoy this
P.S. I like that little Star Trek TNG reference you put in.
I like the mysterious tone you've set to the voice, but the rushed way you put it is sort of hindering it. Keep trying, don't give up, this is a very nice story and I enjoy reading it!
Also, 20 bucks it's Chrysalis being the voice (or it could be Discord, be kind of weird though, not sure how).