• Published 9th Oct 2012
  • 3,111 Views, 59 Comments

Why Pie is Better Than Cake - SoarinPie



This is a matter of great discussion...I have no idea why. It's obvious that pie is the best!

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Pie Vs. Cake

Pie is the most delicious, most complete, most versatile, most comforting, and all around best food every created in the history of Equestria. And I should know. I’m a Wonderbolt. Okay, maybe that doesn’t count as a reputable credential but this does: I am the 5-Time Canterlot Fair Pie Eating Champion, I’m subscribed to 13 different pie and baking related magazine subscriptions, I currently have bakers on speed-dial in each major city across Equestria in case of a Pie Emergency (Cause a Pie Emergency in nothing to trifle with), and I’m preparing to open my “Pie Only” bakery “Pie in the Sky”.

Overboard, obsessive, crazy? Maybe, but pie is worth it. And as biased as I might be, I can’t seem to find a food that could possibly top pie in the “Best Food in All of Equestria” category (which I’m sure in the royal archives there exists such a title). Sure there are other “possible” competitors. Doughnuts for instance have their flashes of brilliance. Fried dough covered in icing, topped with sprinkles, drizzled in sauces, filled with assorted jellies and custards and crèmes, or simply covered in either cinnamon or powdered sugar…is there anything not to like about that? But as amazing as having a fresh jelly donut might be, it still lacks where pie excels.

Some have the audacity to claim that cake is a worthy opponent. How in Equestria could cake POSSIBLY be considered better than pie?! In what possible way is “Celestia’s Guilty Pleasure” better than the pinnacle of perfection that is the pie? But, to be fair, I’ll prove to you why I’m right…and cake lovers are wrong.

Much goes into the composition of a great dessert. A balance of sweetness, without being overly sweet, needs to be achieved. I mix of textures is a must. Depths of flavor as well as versatility are both envious traits of a dessert as well. I mean really, if it were ONLY about being the sweetest then the best dessert would probably resemble a bowl of pure sugar (which I’m sure some of you ponies wouldn’t object to consuming). But a bowl of sugar is not a dessert.

So obviously being the sweetest is not the defining feature of a great dessert. This is where the cake stumbles first. What is the best part, if any, to the cake? As I’m sure that many of you would say the frosting. The frosting is why ponies love cake so much. The cake itself is just a sturdy, edible, medium for transporting frosting from plate to mouth. The cake itself, for the most part, is bland, dry, tasteless, and visually depressing. In a word, boring. Even if the cake is pleasantly moist it still seems dry in a personality sense.

But cake can get away with this thanks to its tasty covering. It’s the frosting that gives a cake character. The frosting deserves most, if not all, of the cake’s fame. It’s the visually stunning part with all the dainty colored flowers, bright ribbons and borders, and colorfully hoof written endearments. Honestly I’d probably sleep better if they changed cake’s name to Frosting. It would make more sense in my opinion.

Only problem with frosting is that it’s basically squishy colored sugar. It has deceptively hidden its truly simple nature behind a veil of colors and shapes. But most ponies couldn’t care less. Especially our younger fillies and colts. All they care about is sugar, sugar, and more sugar (I weep for our younger generation). Sugar, sugar, and sugar a perfect dessert does not make. So how does cake get away with it? Honestly I have no idea

Now compare this to the pie. Pie derives most of its sweetness and flavors from its fillings, which there are many. Where cake is left at simple flavors, or flavor combinations, such as chocolate, vanilla, strawberry; pie explodes with variety. Yes there are exceptions such as carrot cake or red velvet cake but these hardly compete with the flavors pie can offer. Even something as simple as an apple pie can best any flavored cake out there. Don’t be deceived by its simple title, an apple pie is a work of art. A great apple pie does not simply consist of sugar, apples, and crust. A glorious combination of apples, Granny Smith, Honey Crisp, Golden Delicious, Macintosh (for instance) make up for a overwhelmingly pleasing combination of sweet, tart, crisp, and softness.

In addition to a concoction of apples that would resemble a certain family reunion, a plethora of additives can be, well, added. And these ingredients look not to cover up the flavor of the apples, but enhance it. In the case of an apple pie, a combination of cinnamon, brown sugar, butter, oats, slivered almonds, nutmeg, and cloves turn the flavor up to 11 without shoving apples out of the picture.

And let us not forget the crust. Arguably the best part of the pie. And with good reason! After all what’s there not to like about a flaky, buttery crust? Not only does it add richness to balance out the pie, but it offers texture.
So you have the spiciness, the sweetness, and tartness of the filling; add to that the crunchiness, butteryness, and flakiness of the crust. ..pause for foodgasm.

Okay, now back to what I was saying. The nesses of an apple pie could go on for pages. And that’s not taking into consideration the tact that goes into a chocolate silk pie, or the depth of warmth you find in a pumpkin pie, or the pleasant twang of a strawberry rhubarb pie. How does cake fair now? Now slightly sweetened sponges covered in frosting doesn’t sound as appealing does it? Oh? Still not convinced? Alright then.

As a Wonderbolt, as you can imagine, I spend a great deal of my time air bound. I mean, it’s my job after all. Does this interfere with my 10am, 1pm, 3pm and 6pm pie times? Not in the least! How do I manage to consume seemingly copious amounts of pie (considering there is such thing as a copious amount of pie) miles away from the nearest table and plate? Easy!

Next to the pie itself, pocket pies were the most ingenious thing ever created. Some absolute genius decided that it was a good idea to take pie filling, wrap it in flaky pastry, and deep fry it until a glorious brown. You are now left with a “flyable pies” (as I like to call them). Now whether I’m rushing off to our next performance or grabbing a quick “mid-flight snack” I always have a pie available. Can cake offer the same mobility? No, but they do offer a notable try.

I give you, the cupcake. Basically the same composition as your run-of-the-mill cake: bland or possibly slightly less bland cake covered in mounds of frosting. But this is not always the case for cupcakes. For some reason ponies tend to be more creative with cupcakes than cake cakes. I’m sure you of all ponies are familiar with the show “Cupcake Battles”? Estrogen infused bakers battle to make the most ridiculous and obnoxious cupcakes. Orange juice and mint cupcake with a black licorice frosting? I’ll give them points for creativity. But that’s not to say that the cupcake exceeds the depth of complex flavor combinations that only pie offers, but at least they try.

But the cupcake does surpass its predecessor in one dimension: mobility. Although it does a piss poor job of it compared to a pocket pie, the cupcake does prove to be more versatile in hoof than a slice of your typical 3-layer cake. But that’s not saying much. Instead of going with a top heavy slice of cake, you’re now left with a smaller, still top heavy, piece of cake wearing an inedible wrapping. At least the pocket pie has the decency to be 100% edible while remaining 100% mobile.
And this issue with wearing an inedible wrapping is that although you can now hold your dessert you now have to pile the frosting that would’ve been reserved for the sides of the cake on top. This makes eating a uniform bite of cupcake impossible! You end up either with bite of just cake or a bite of just frosting. Either way it’s depressing and sad and drives me almost to tears...almost. It’s even worse with your “Hoity Toity” cupcakes; most of the flavorful additions topple off with transport and they have to resort to being “enjoyed” with a plate and fork. Thereby rendering these cupcakes non-versatile and thereby pointless.

Before you interrupt to say “okay, you’re right. Pie is best” I have one last statement I would like to make. Our last category is versatility…no, not like aforementioned. I mean versatility in flavors combinations…no, not like I said earlier. What do I mean then? I’m talking about savory in addition to sweet.

Have you ever had a roasted veggy pie, with a delicious medley of carrots, peas, potatoes, onion, beets? Covered in thick gelatinous gravy and again covered in a buttery crust. Or how bout a quiche? Fluffy eggs, suspending and deliciousness you happen to mix in, topped with melted cheese. Ohh I’m drooling just thinking about it! Now, pie is no longer one dimensional in terms of food category. They can now be enjoyed for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. And because these are just as nutritious as they are delicious you can still enjoy a slice of pie for dessert. Cake on the other hand remains a one-trick-pony. Overly sweet mounds of disappointment.

In addition to being savory as well as sweet, pies are just as enjoyable hot, warm, cold, room temp, you name it. Cakes on the other hand…not so much. Right out of the oven they lack frosting, as mentioned before that’s the whole point of the cake. They have to cool in order to apply frosting and you miss out on a glorious warm dessert on a cold rainy afternoon. That’s considering you didn’t order a piece of pie. And while better cold than room temperature the cake still doesn’t gain much in texture or flavor from its temp change.

So you see there shouldn’t even be a discussion of which is better. It’s like comparing apples and oranges, pegasi and unicorns, Wonderbolts and everypony else…okay maybe not that last one. You get what I’m saying though. Pie cannot be bested in anyway and remains the pinnacle of food!

Pinkie Pie, who by this point was struggling to keep a chipper grin during the length of this one-sided discussion, proceeded to reply in an unsure tone “Soooo I take it you DON’T want to try my cupcakes?"
“No thanks, but I will have that big apple pie!” Soarin’ said with an air excitement.

As Pinkie removed the large pie from the display counter, Soarin's face shone with happiness that resembled that of a filly on Hearth Warming Day morning. Wasting no time Soarin' dove head first into his guilty baked pleasure.
“Okey Dokey Lokey then!” Pinkie exclaimed in a bouncy tone that suggested that she might have not retained a word Soarin’ said during his lengthy conversation at all.

“How bout you Rainbow Dash? Would you like a cupcake?”


-The End