Here's a bit of criticism -- learn the basics of English grammar and punctuation before you attempt to write anything else.

gentle, eh? well, first, don't put descriptions of characters in little boxes of text. weave their personalities into the story. secondly, i didn't understand a thing about this story. who names their foal zack or zach? thought those were human names

You need to clean this up quite a bit. This is not a roleplay forum. Your characters should be described in the story. Saying, "His brown mane tugged behind him as he ran." is a lot neater and more descriptive than: OC #1: Mane Color: Brown. Your names are also very much out of place. "Zack Marcus" is a human's name, not a pony's. If possible, the name should reflect on their personality. Ex: Fluttershy. In addition to this, your grammar needs an overhaul. There is a group on here that helps people find editors. I highly recommend you do this.

Hope this helps,

~Swirls

but first i'll tell you about myself and those around me.

Zack Marcus

unicorn

coat-gray with lighter shades

eyes-silver

mane-light gray single dark line slicked backspikey on head

tail-tied up in a lengthy top knot

acc.-black vest and dark iron shoes

My brother

Zach(ZA'Ch) Marcus

unicorn

coat-dark gray with lighter shades

eyes-purple

mane-black with gray in a pretty boy style

tail-short bi-color

acc.-white vest and silver shoes

my dad

Ardent 'adamantite' Marcus

unicorn

coat-white

eyes-silver

mane-dark with silver streaks

tail-short top knot

mark-a red(adamantite) iron heart

acc.-white vest with royal guard issue leggings

my mom

Marisia Marcus

earth

eyes-violet

coat-dark gray

mane-black short styled with a long ponytail

tail-tied up but still hangs down

mark-two rapiers clashing in front of a star

acc.-has 2 bracers one gold with a diamond the other silver with an onyx

now that i've told you about my family

let's get down to why your here.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The first rule when writing any story is 'show, don't tell'. This…whatever the hell it's supposed to be takes that rule and breaks it over the knee with a sickening crack. If you want anyone to read this story, then you need–need to find a better, more natural way to describe your characters. Something along the lines of:

My father, Ardent Marcus, stood tall and opposing before me, his white coat shining under Celestia's sun. His cold, silvery eyes met my own with a stern glare, blah, blah, blah.

Do you get the picture? A lot better than giving a laundry list of description before the actual story even begins, don't you think? And since we're on the subject, let's talk about the story for a minute.

Let's start with the technical stuff. I'm going to be very blunt with this: the punctuation and capitalization was godawful, which I honestly don't understand. The inconsistency was absolutely staggering. I saw quotation marks, exclamation points, and words in all caps (which isn't necessary), so I know that you know how to use the shift key. So why in the holy mother of fck does virtually every single sentence in this story start off with a lowercase letter? You seem to know basic capitalization since your characters' names are properly capitalized, but things like your 'I's and the first letter of sentences are left lowercase. Like it or not, you are in desperate, desperate need of an editor if you want any hope of this story being eligible.

Now to the story itself. I honestly had a very difficult time figuring out what was going on, which isn't very surprising since you barely described anything. In the first scene, you say that we're outside Canterlot. Okay? What else? Was it night? Was it day? Sunny? Cloudy? Cold? Hot? Could we hear the chatter of the hundreds of ponies wandering inside the city? Also, we're at a 'medium house' as you chose to call it. What did the house look like? Was the house two-stories tall? Three-stories? Was it extravagant in design? Simple in design? I'm not saying describe every single bit of detail down to how many bugs were buzzing around, but you need to help the reader paint a picture in their head about what the environment looks like, and what the characters are doing in said environment. Try something like:

Celestia's sun was setting over the horizon, giving the sky a magnificent, orange sheen. Hours outside of Canterlot, two young colts, both grey, sat in the middle of a grassy plain as a stallion paced back and forth before them, his cold, silver eyes locked with theirs. Even during a sunset, his white coat practically shone with brilliance, but that didn't deter anypony from the sense of foreboding that filled the air.

See? Reading that, what do you picture? A grassy field during a sunset with a city a few miles away. The description the three ponies involved gets across, and nothing feels too forced. Granted, there's no mention of the house, but it's a rough draft, so what can you do?

You might've noticed that I kept my above observations limited to the first scene. Well, there's a pretty decent reason for that: it was as far as I could go. If these errors continued throughout a whole entire scene, then the rest of the story is no doubt filled with them as well. Besides, my head was starting to hurt from trying to figure out what the hell was going on, so I'll just end it here. There will no doubt be other criticisms that'll tackle other things that I didn't, and what you choose to do with those will be all on you.

This needs work. A lot of work. A total revamp. Like I said, I suggest getting an editor to help with your grammatical issues, and maybe even a cowriter to help you with things such as pacing and description. Don't be afraid to ask for help, because you never know who you might find. Goodbye, and best of luck to you.

(P.S Capitalize your title. The Tales of Zack Marcus)

They're both named Zach? Pronounced the same, even with a small spelling change.

This needs a ton of work. Take the advice of FoughtDragon-get an editor.

>>14087391408739 ever hear of an anime called Zach Bell

was my pronunciation set up wrong?

>>14116771411677 I live in America, and over here we pronounce them the same-Zack is an alternate spelling of Zach.

come on guys quit commenting on the small things the story over all is pretty good right?

>>14143911414391

I wouldn't know much about the story's actual quality because I didn't bother reading the whole thing. Hell, for all I know, the actual plot could be a golden, but I wouldn't know because the atrocious grammar and goddamn laundry list of description at the very beginning of the story drove me away before I could really get into it. A story cannot, under any circumstances, have a decent story, but bad grammar. That makes the story very hard to read, and will turn people away, just like it did to me.

If you were able to find a decent story underneath that mess of grammar and spelling errors, then more power to you, but don't say that understanding basic grammar is a 'small thing', because it isn't. And be honest, this story could be a lot better, couldn't it? If English isn't the author's first language, then the grammar's understandable, but that's what an editor is for. To help fix that sort of thing so that the story is far easier to read. I even suggested that he get one in my pseudo-review. If he did that, then readers would be more likely give this story a fairer chance. If he put more effort behind this thing, then people would have an easier time reading it, and maybe even praise it as opposed to tear it a new one. That's a fair exchange, right?

>>14145531414553 then be nice and help him out instead of turning down the story tell him his errors in a nice way and then try to reword them for him and see if he will go for that

>>14146491414649 Heh, if you think that I wasn't being nice, then you need to read a legitimate TWE review. Regardless, I'll see what I can do for this. Right after I eat dinner. Gotta get those critical juices flowin', ya know?

yep okay give the person a try you may never know it may become a very good story right i've been through much worse an nopony wanted to help me so i'm doing the right thing and trying to make a difference for the others who are not doing so well