Before the mane six, before nightmare moon, there was a young boy who was a friend, a confidant, and more importantly the one with all the answers. But when he and his friend get two unexpected visitors, everyones life is changed forever.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Will read this later.
hmmm i cant wait to read
Wait wait wait wait.
Are they in Canterlot?
James and Geoff don't really sound like pony names. Even if it is humanized.
Also you don't have two speakers in the same paragraph but could you maybe double space. It's still 'wall of text'ish.
I.... don't know about this one.
I'm guessing it's humanised ponies, the princesses will become their friends and they'll hang out in the night bakery while the boys are working. There will be hijinks, possibly some teenage type hormones being acted upon but nothing too graphic or going too far and the princesses will use their pull to get them into the guards or something like that.
So far, I'm not invested in the characters. I feel there's some potential here and I don't want to dismiss it out of hand but I feel there might not be enough of a hook to keep my interest.
1407701 The OC names will be explained later in the story. I will go back and double space the exchanges so as to make it easier to read.
1407701 I understand your confusion on the names. All I can say is that the abnormal names have a purpose that will be explained in later chapters.
1408901 I will agree that the chapters don't have much of a hook, but the story will pick up in chapter 3. Just wait for it. I also may rewrite the first chapters. I wrote them three years ago, and I have greatly improved in my writing.