- Member Since 7th Oct, 2012
- offline last seen Oct 11th, 2012
Alpha Pinkie
I'll probably get around to writing as the stories as they come to me. Writing is a favourite hobby of mine and I hope to write many genres of stories.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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So-So
Not great... but not as bad as i have seen
-KoS
Its decent. Quick clopfic. Not much problems to me.
I quite liked it.
ESpecially "Filly Filler" had me laughing more than I probably should have
not eating a cream filled anything ever again.
.
Could have been worse, but could have been a LOT better
This fic... Eh. It's not really that good or bad, just eh. Grammar-wise, there were some spots with missing punctuation, but nothing too bad. I don't have much to say about this, because, well, it's just another clop-fic. It's highly generic, and nothing stands out. Maybe, if it weren't for the OC, this might have gone more positive, but I'm not so sure about that.
Either way, on your next story, try spicing things up a little. Throw in some twists and turns that separate your story from the crowd. You've got a good style going, and you've shown that you can do it correctly, so now, don't just do it correctly, do it right!
...
the actual clop part was good (i liked your synonyms for penis), but the transitions were eh.
good for a couple hours of writing.
more character description for the mian character. all we got was "blue pony"
i.imgur.com/8a3oR.gif
yo bro, Pinkie is no prostitute, put the Bucking tag of "Alternate Universe" Especially since your not being Lore Friendly to the show.
i wish my friends were this cool
1413386
Pony Pole got me xD
hmm, If I ever see a guy going to a prostitute, you have just lost your pride my friend... Oh well, poor kid, could not even keep his pride.~
1415753
When I read the tag description I only thought it applied to major changes to show canon e.g. Discord defeating the mane six as opposed to being defeated himself or Ponies appearing on Earth.
Anyway that's just what I was thinking.
1414385
I realize now that I really didn't describe him as much as I was planning to. I guess I just got carried away and kept on typing.
I also realize the name wasn't very imaginative. I simply looked around the room and saw my Nestle Crunch bar so I just went with that.
1413952
Thank you very much! These are the kind of comments I love reading.
I really do need to work on my grammar so thank you for pointing that out. I can see where you're coming from with the "generic" term as I set aside an hour just to write about whatever I could picture in my head and so I wasn't expecting this to stand out. I'm not a fan of OCs myself I just couldn't figure out a way to work another character in there without having to write more chapters for back story but I see your point.
Thanks for the feedback
1413540
I'm terribly sorry to have stripped such an important food group from you.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I'd like to welcome you all here tonight. First, before we begin, I need you to take heed of a few precautionary measures:
discoverchurch.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/tn_Fasten_Your_Seatbelt.jpg
Buckled up? Alright, good.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22446346.jpg
And, finally:
i1139.photobucket.com/albums/n555/gizmofusion/Ty/original.jpg
Because Inky's bringing the pain, bitches.
1) Love and Tolerate, Friendship is Magic... But You're a Wiener, and Peer Pressure is Voodoo, So F*ck It! Ahh, the teenage years... A time in which males were constantly, irrevocably beaten into submission by the media in regards to their sexual roles and opinions in the world. Why, I remember it as if it was yesterday! TV says, "Go bang some chicks!"; radio says, "Go bang some chicks!"; magazines say, "Here's some chicks you wanna bang!"; Daddy says, "Here's a condom, go forth and bang, my beautiful son." And virgins?
Well, we all know the guys who don't get any, now, huh?
img3.ranker.com/list_img/8503/508503/full/the-best-of-the-bad-luck-brian-meme.jpg?version=1334902036000
Why, it's downright un-American if you're a teenage male who doesn't go throw away his virginity on some floozy, confused, equally-pressured hoe! And that's exactly why your guy buddies exist--to completely bash you into circumstances, situations, and mindsets you never wanted to be near, in, or associated with, because that's what friends do.
4.bp.blogspot.com/_IQiyoaS67kY/Sh6uRY5WovI/AAAAAAAABJE/zIHOVUTDSIA/s400/1243517356268.jpg
Bros will always be there for you, except when you need actual emotional fulfillment.
So, remember all that heartfelt, pure, loving nonsense Mommy told you about finally meeting that special girl who deserves the gift of your body? Yeah, eff that ess! MALES GOTTA BONE, BOY! Forget self-respect, anticipation, or any sort of virtue! In fact, don't even try going for some regular girl...
Just go getchyaself a whore.
2) "Why Pinkie, What Overly-Flexible Legs You Have!" Now, as I sit here, on my throne of arrogance and ignorance, I debate that my preconceptions about what Pinkie Pie is like or who she is may be completely wrong. From watching the show, I've never really gotten the impression that she could moonlight (or bakery-shop-light, if it pleases ye) as a 'mare for hire'--maybe I missed a few episodes, here and there. Was there some sort of late-night special I missed? This must be the case, because the Pinkie I'm seeing here is quite a different Pinkie Pie than the one we all know and love from the show.
And I must've missed a few episodes, because this Pinkie shows no evidence whatsoever that she could possibly have this trait.
robintracy.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/invisible-man1.jpg
Pictured: Evidence of Pinkie Pie's "Candy Cane Lane For Rent" mode.
Now, as a wild, happy, carefree little pony gal with a penchant for all sorts of fun, I see Miss Pinkie having absolutely no aversion to sex. It is, however, the form in which it is presented, here, that makes me just a tad bit skeptical.
Oh, and everything I've ever seen or come to know about Pinkie Pie as a character, too.
3) That Was Amazing, Please, Come Eat for Free Every Fucking Day For Eternity. Well, well, it's a teenage dream come true! That lil' virgin pony was so naturally talented, not only did he make sure she came first, but he guaranteed that Pinkie gave him absolute VIP freebies! What a Cinderella story, folks--sexually penniless one moment, swimming in endless, cotton-candy-flavored poontang the next!
I'm inspired, now; I think I'll go fly a plane to Dakota--it'll be great! I'll be the best pilot EVER! Everything will turn out awesome!
mylittlepony.neoseeker.com/w/i/mylittlepony/thumb/b/bc/DerpyHooves.png/300px-DerpyHooves.png
What could POSSIBLY go wrong!?
4) Tastes Like Eighties--And Not the Good Kind... It takes a special person to recreate the atmosphere of contrived, cheesy, basement-production 80's porno flicks in a work of written fiction. You, my friend, are that special kind of person. But you know what, pal? It takes an even more special person to say, "You know what? I'm going to share my wish to fuck Pinkie Pie in a format that insults and besmirches an entire art form, just because I have a boner and a keyboard, and I'm not going to give one atom of a shit about making it good."
bay-of-fundie.com/img/2009/special-ed.jpg
As result of this cream-centric venture you've undertaken, I now have -4 boners. Yeah, that's right; I won't be able to get it up the next four times I'm aroused because of this. You've given me negative erections.
But then again, you were special enough to think this up, follow through, and slap it down in front of us like a modern George Castanza finally summoning enough courage to smack a dollar bill down on a stripper's platform... and for that, we, as a community, have been changed.
1416627
First off I'd like to say that your stories are a great read. Certainly much better than I've written. (Absolutely no sarcasm I seriously enjoy your stories)
Anyway:
1. I do NOT believe that anyone should fall to peer pressure in the same way that fictional crime writers do not write in order to encourage criminal activities. If anybody pressures you into doing something that's wrong, but just because I write it in there doesn't mean I condone it.
2. I'm not exactly sure how this is entirely relevant to fan fiction stories. Sure characters have pre-defined personalities but if I cannot edit them then why write for FIM Fiction when I could apply for a job at Studio B/DHX Media and write the about the characters personalities all the time? (Not that I want to work in the script writing business)
3. It was VERY bad I know. The OC was pretty much a Gary Sue who got everything a horny teenager could ever ask for handed to him on a silver platter. I only wrote this in an hour with no intention of storytelling other than the goal of having MAYBE someone enjoy my hastily scribbled-on-a-napkin work.
4. I single handedly besmirched an art form? I actually feel kind of proud knowing that something I made managed to make someone feel so entitled that they had to write 750 words in honour of my half-arsed writing hobby that is certainly the end of all fiction works as we know it. "and for that, we, as a community, have been changed." Are you referring to bronies or society when you say this? Is this about comparing my clopfic to all other forms of writing or is it referring to your first point about peer pressure and the definitions of what a man should be according to society? Either way you're right; my clopfic is unnecessarily horrible AND society has terrible pre-conceived notions about what men (and women) should grow up to be like.
One final thing, (I'll be terribly sad if you haven't given me the common courtesy of reading this far) my story in no way has a relation to my sexuality in any way (apart from the fact that Pinkie Pie is female) and I'm not some horny guy sitting behind a desk, writing smut just for the sake of writing smut. Pinkie Pie was simply a choice I made off the top of my head and the OC I came up with inspired (and I use that word lightly) by a chocolate bar sitting on my bedside table. I'm sorry that this wasn't up there with William Shakespeare and Tolkien's level of writing, I truly am. I owe you four boners, and in the future maybe I'll make it up to you in literature.
(I recently read 'Hay Loft' and I just want to say I really enjoyed it. You portrayed Applejack in a very believable and interesting way. I apologize in advance if you take offence to a beginner writer critiquing your story. I will work much harder on my next story, I promise.)
1416879
Congratulations, Alpha Pinkie -- you've just won an Inky Award.
See, after laying in my claw-shaped bed last night in the evil volcano lair I call my home, it occurred to me that, maybe, (maybe) I had been a little too harsh. I tend to be a speed demon once I get rolling, and in review, I think I broke 120 in an 80-mph zone.
(The fuzz didn't catch me, so it's all good on that front, though. Don't worry 'bout me!)
However, I wake up this morning and hop onto this website out of pure
impulse controlcuriosity and find your response post... which, honestly, has probably been one of the smartest, well-written, good-hearted responses to my arrogant buffoonery I have ever seen. Like, ever. For that alone, you earn my respect and a thumbs-up as a person.And to admit that your fic was less-than-stellar and defend it against my points the way you did? Win, win, win. A winner is you, pal.
For your bravery in the face of Inkery, you have won an Inky! HUZZAH!
(Mentioning that this story was partly inspired by looking at a chocolate bar definitely clinched it, though. I mean, "LOLwat?")
Also, thank you very much. I realize I'm a very odd dude--I switch between slicing bronies and bad fics apart on here, while championing other people and really laying back into moments of fictional serenity and emotion, as I did with Hay Loft. It seems impossible that I could be both things, and a lot of people probably wondered if I cracked my nut or hacked somehow when they saw my name on Hay Loft. But, honestly, I'm just a guy who loves fiction and writing; imagination, fiction, and the power to bring it to life with respect, love, and effort is my life--that's why I don't pull punches when I see something punch-worthy, and also give bear hugs when I see something bear-hug worthy. I'm passionate.
I'm a little bit crazy (
), but it's all love.
1416597
It's been quite a while since I made my last critical comment, so It's good to hear that I can still do it.
Glad that I could help!
...Even if my feedback is dwarfed by Inky's hilarious review, which kind of reminds me of a Cracked article.
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/23714901.jpg
Well, there's nothing for me to say that wasn't already said. You wrote this with your brain turned off, and there's a lot of issues there obviously, but it still was a fun read. You seem to be parodying the genre as well as yourself as you go along.
I also write clop as well as write with my brain turned off, so I can relate.
Yeah, in the future, try doing what Cheezman75 and others have said while putting in more backstory and more character-isms.
More emotional build-up to sex + More tenderness + More details getting the auidence into the mind of the protagonists = better sex
*upvote*
Try using more words besides "marehood".
It helps keep people's attention and keeps the cloppy bits running smoothly.
>>Alpha Pinkie
It makes sense that it means your not following the lore of the story. So I do ask that you add the tag of Alternate Universe.
Eeeeexcelllenntt
It's just all to fast paced
A nice and"quick" clop finnaly, I'd like to say that I haven't got to read one like this. It's short sweet and to the point I like it and this will be going into my favorites. Which btw is hard to do.
is the whole scene in the sugarcube corner cafe area?
well that was a rather odd ending