Second chapter will be continued just wanted this published

Just some advise:

1. Your paragraphs are too long. Walls of text are no fun to read.

2. Every time you start a new paragraph, you have to indent.

3. Whenever someone new starts talking, ALWAYS start a new paragraph.

4. There are a couple of places I would have punctuated/ worded things differently.

5. You could've combined the first and second chapters.

6. The beginning of the second and the end of the first chapters are odd to read. You give almost no explanation of what happened.

7. Punctuation and capitalization issues.

8. Pacing is key. Take your time and explain the character's surroundings and actions.

9. Whenever you write numbers, write the number out as a word ("5" would be "five"). No exceptions unless you're writing a year.

Overall, I'd recommend that you proof read your chapters AT LEAST twice before submitting them. What I do is type my chapters in Word, and when I'm done making sure they're good enough, I just copy and paste. Works like a charm.

Hate romance.. but i'll read it for you

You need to use more commas

And shorter paragraphs

Good enough story, but it needs some improvement, i got really lost on the second paragraph.. you need to fix that too

yeah, not much to say. He explained it better then i would, walker if you fix these errors then it might be something i'll look into reading but atleast your writing fanfics.. if i were to write one, well.. i wouldn't figure out what to write about first of all.

>>14094591409459 thank you for the advice sir I will take this advice to mind. For now I re write !

You need to add punctuation at the end of your quotes. ex “Are you here to record something” should be “Are you here to record something?” great story anyways.

I finally feel appreciated for my art, art of the story

The ending to chapter 1 and the beginning of chapter 2 are currently being re written so don't become to attached they didn't make sense so OFF TO THE DUNGEON ON ONE OF THE MOONS OF GARGBETH