There's nothing really wrong with the mechanics of the writing.  The spelling and grammar are good.  Yes, a few instances of awkward wording, but maybe that's just Fluttershy talking.

This isn't bad.  There are a few awkward sentences, particularly at the beginning of chapter one, and you could use a few more descriptive paragraphs, since this is mostly dialogue.  (Not that a story that is mostly dialogue between characters is bad, but a little more description can flesh it out some.)

The only real conflict yet revolves around Fluttershy's internal fears.  Does she have a reason to be afraid?  Are some of her friends not going to be accepting of her if they find out?  (That might make for some out-of-character situations.)

I feel like your characters are true to the show versions (Fluttershy's desire to be a colt notwithstanding).  You need to add some drama to spice things up a bit, since so far what you have are a couple of nice conversations and some of Fluttershy's internal worries.  (But don't make beloved ponies into jerks, please.)

Keep writing, my friend.

Igot attracted to this fic cause I want to get a MtF operation in the future

i'm really interested how this story works itself out.. keep writing and don't let those thumbs down get to you

It will be interesting to see if the standards of care for transponies are similar to the ones in use by humans -- and if the same sorts of abuse crop up.

Hmmm...

First off, let it be known I am an Ally, so no knocks about this.

And so far everything has been done within character reason. I'm liking this, so keep going.

>>14118651411865

There is times when I try to make it a little jumbled because like you said, it's Fluttershy. Would you point out where you see this, because it might really just be an awkward time that's unintentional.

>>14118761411876

Oh I'm getting there :) This story is nowhere near done. I just wanted to get a few chapters out there first for some feedback on my writing style.

Thanks for all the pointers, I appreciate it.

Would you be willing to offer a quote that you find "awkward"? People in the comments are using that a lot and without an idea of exactly WHAT is awkward, I cant change.

And dont worry, I'm staying as true to the characters as I can possible. And no, I wont turn any ponies into jerks. All the reactions will be vastly different but none will be out if character.

And also, the style will change after chapter two. Im trying to set the tone, as it were. Action and drama are soon to follow.

>>14126621412662

Thank you. May I ask why you 'hmmm'ed at first?

>>14130351413035

Don't take it the wrong way. I do that for all comments. It's my way of thinking about the fic. And this is a fascinating story, I urge you to continue.

>>14130491413049

Thank you :) and oh no, I was just thinking that maybe you have more to say

>>14130301413030   Ah, here's an example of an awkward sentence:  "As I awoke the night after pondering all these thoughts and wondering what could be missing, the continuation of my thoughts in the morning was interrupted by Angel in my face demanding food from me."  Hmm...might be a bit hard to try to explain what exactly makes it awkward, but here goes...  She awakes after pondering thoughts, then the continuation of those thoughts is interrupted by something.  For one thing, the repetition of the word "thoughts" makes the sentence unwieldy.  Then there's the way you say she awoke the night after pondering all those thoughts, when the continuation of those thoughts are interrupted.  It would be better to phrase it something like this: "I was still pondering those things when I awoke, but my thoughts were interrupted by Angel..."  (To be honest, my example is not perfect either.  Describing the flow of a character's thoughts in a narrative is no easy task.)

Anyway, the best thing you can do to make sure your sentences aren't awkward is to read them out loud.  If the sentence sounds off to you, like something you wouldn't say, then that probably means it's awkward.  (Another thing you can do is just keep writing.  Write thousands and thousands of sentences and you will get all the awkward ones out of your system!)

Hope that helps!  (And nice to hear you plan on keeping the ponies in character.  Your character voices so far are a strength in your writing.)

>>14134741413474

That example makes sense, I think in that particular instince two sentences in my head were smashed together. Thank you for the tips though, I'll remember them!

I like that system of checking, I'll have to try that.

While I have writen quite a bit before (I've been writing for a decade and am working on six novels right now), they've all been about humans and I think that slight difference is tripping me up

Thanks! After I started writing the first chapter I took a break and read countless fluttershy fanfics to make sure I felt like I was properly portraying her. And then after that I just winged Rarity

>>14143901414390

I wouldn't say there is anything wrong with it, it's just stories like this just make the characters seem OOC, and I always at least try to read them. Yours is actually one of the better ones I've seen. I might give it another try.

>>14142991414299 Actually, the second time through it wasn't too bad. I'll be watching.

>>14144871414487

Oh well thanks :) i can see how you'd think that initial thought. Its hard to pull off.

>>14146271414627 Sadly, I can't change my negative vote.

>>14149051414905

Meh, votes are votes. Im more worried about the comments

>>14142991414299 Wow.  Six novels?  At the same time?  Just out of curiosity (and no need to give away the plots), but what are they about?  Ever try short stories?

>>14118761411876

You would be extremely surprised as to just how "out of character" someone can be when faced with this topic. Honestly, i fully expect to see many out of character situations to arise from this.

Sex and gender are things that are so fundamental to us as human beings (we can extend this to the ponies, given their canonical higher reasoning abilities) that most don't ever think about it. To those that do, it becomes a lifelong question and source of internal turmoil that never goes away. Many simply lose the will to go on. The largest portion of the problem stems from others being unable, or sometimes unwilling, to understand this fact. I would go so far as to say it is the ultimate test of friendship.

Unfortunately, I know all of this all too well from firsthand experience.

>>14167701416770 Good point.  I guess I just hope things are different in the magical land of Equestria, where love and tolerance are the rule.  I want friendship to win the day and happy endings for everyone.

Saw someone try to write a fic dealing with something like this once, and Rarity full on rejected Fluttershy, then Pinkie, as the one standing up for her friend, proceeded to reject Rarity and call her names, then the rest of the mane six decided they couldn't forgive her for being intolerant...in the course of a single chapter the story descended to a point where half the characters were unrecognizable to me.

But real life is complicated and messy and things don't always work out the way we hope.  (If they ever do.)  I'm so sorry that you had a bad experience.  For whatever it's worth, know that there's someone over in this corner of cyberspace that loves you just as you are and wishes you only the best.

And I guess that's the real challenge of a story like this: how to keep the characters close enough to the show versions so that they are still recognizable as the ponies we love while addressing a situation that the show itself wouldn't touch in a hundred years, but is deeply meaningful to many precious fans.

>>14167701416770

Trust me, I'll do just fine

>>14169391416939

My number one priority is portraying the characters well and staying true to them. I believe I can do that while writing such a human topic.

Yeah, six. I have more, but I'm taking a break from them.

Ah, they aren't happy stories by any means...One is about rape, another is about someone hallucinating a younger version of themselves, another about Stockholm syndrome, one about vampires, one takes place in the 20's and another the 1700's, one is about someone developing schizophrenia, stuff like that. Heh, that's already seven plot lines. Like I said, taking breaks from some of them. I think I have nine total.

I do write short stories, but many of them (at least three) have turned into full on novels because I liked the characters, or ideas, or saw potential in the plot.

Wouldn't it make more sense to get all 4 of them together, then tell them? That way everypony gets up to speed at the same time.

"What is it Fluttershy?" Rainbow asked.

"They're... they're remaking Robocop with a crappy suit."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Glad to see Rarity in support of her friend, but either she took a while to process Fluttershy's release or there is something else going on it Rarity's head. Color me intrigued.

Very interesting....

I''l favorite this to see where it's going.

honestly i like this story, it captures what someone in that situation must feel

>>14204821420482 while that is a good idea, I have a plan. Dont worry, I did this on purpose

>>14208711420871 Im glad someone saw it that way! Catching on.....

>>14212771421277 thank you! I hope to see more comments in the future to make sure I dont disapoint.

>>14218691421869 thank you so much, Im glad you like it

Going well so far!  I smiled when Fluttershy thought Rainbow Dash would write in the clouds how deranged she was.  Tried to picture Rainbow Dash doing that...but the only way I could imagine it was as absurd comedy.  It will be interesting to see how she really does react, though.

>>14221531422153 Im  most excited about writing about Rainbow Dash's reaction, which is why she was first to be quite honest. Plus her reaction will influence the other mare's reactions slightly.

Well, since you want feedback...

You get an upvote from me. I have, er, opinions on the whole transgender thing - very strong opinions - but despite that, I can absolutely empathise with anyone who has these feelings. It's very hard to realise that you aren't who you believe you want or need to be and it's even harder when that person you feel you're supposed to be is outside the culturally defined norm. It's rare to see fiction dealing with this in a realistic way and, whilst you're perhaps a little out there, you did at least pick a good idea and you've picked a good character to go along with. Who'd suspect fluttershy of wanting to be a colt? It's always the ones we least expect, isn't it?

I have issues with your grammar and your formatting. Nothing I can particularly point out right now, as I'm on a tablet and I'm in a foreign country on a crappy connection, but you need to pay more attention to your layout, and I spotted more than a few odd sentences that seemed... well, odd.

>>14243221424322 Thanks for the feedback! Im glad my story is mostly to your liking. I'll go over everything again to make adjustments with grammar and formatting.

>>14243931424393 I just wish I could be more specific about the problems I saw. They're not major, just annoying enough to pull me out of the story.

I dont like it but i dont hate it this story requires me to read more for an opinion all i can say this story is interesting.

>>14244561424456 No ots okay, thanks for telling me.  Are you talking about the two paragraphs that werent spaces out and indented?

>>14244861424486 Thank you! I hope you end up liking it

Love it (explained why in a reason in another chp)

I just have a question, what type of transcolt shall she be?

>>14245871424587

What do you mean what type? 0.0

>>14218691421869 Thank you! Im glad you like it, there's much more to come!

>>14122801412280 Good luck with it! I'm glad you're enjoying the story so far.

>>14247331424733 Well I don't know what you mean by 'translcolt' so I think of different ways like sex change operation , or just acts like one.

I kinda wish I got the story number you have. All those glorious fives...

>>14248101424810 Well one that has a sex change is transsexual, someone that simply identifies as another gender is transgender. In the description, Ive stated that she is transgender. Hope that answers your question!

>>14251111425111 ...just to tell you when i meant 'im going to be doing it' i mean then the transexual

And also why wouldn't fluttershy try to find out a way to be a 'real colt' most of the things sh-HE wants to have the physical adjustments

Image: //dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Fluttershy_lolface.png

>>14253731425373 Right now Im working on the mental aspect of everything in the story. Thats the main focus. And ps, some transgender people dont find it necessary to have surgeries

Aaaaand the ad on the bottom of the page shows a singles site for transsexuals....... With pictures that I personally find to not be the most flattering...... Not sure what to make of this. Cursed targeted advertising.

This is why I love Adblock, and hate being on a browser without it.

>>14261591426159 Yuck! I'm sorry! I hope the story was worth it!

>>14244951424495

Yes, a few indents, and a few typos that I can't seem to find again, and some odd sentence structures. Nothing huge. If I were at home I'd take more time to look them up.

Just noticed something odd, it feels like she just thought about the idea of being TG at chapter one, but by chapter 3 it seemed like something she had been thinkin about for a long time. Maybe I just missunderstood something?

It got some spelling errors and other fun things, the most notable calling Angel "her" once.

Otherwise it's quite nice.

>>14270811427081 Alright, I fixed the typo's and indent issues :)

>>14275521427552 Spelling errors? Which chapter? I've run this story through two different spell checkers =/

>>14117861411786

They are very hard to do right compared to other types of stories, so quite a few of them don't work out so hot, though some turn out awesome.

Not sure whether this was intentional or not, but Fluttershy's very limited understanding of gender and the difference between gender identity and gender expression/roles is quite common in trans* people at the same stage as he is (though, one usually learns past this point as time goes on) so his processing of things on this front is believable.

The feeling that something is off for a very long and trying to deny the answer by thinking it is such a wacky idea for so long is a very familiar feeling (note, this is NOT a universal experience). I am looking forward to the rest as I read it tonight. Decent start.

>>14288061428806

I was sure that I read Angel as "her" but now I can't find it...maybe I'm mistaken.

Other than that I had found two errors earlier but now I can't find them, maybe I imagined them xD?

Gonna take another look when I have less alcohol in my bloodstream.

That said, it might just been those typos that archonix found.

>>14288531428853 Haha alright, well he said he can't find them either. It's okay and yeah, reading sober might be a good idea!

>>14288361428836 I'm glad you like it! Yeah, the things you are pointing out are very right! Fluttershy's knowledge, as said in the story, is of one mtf mare in a book he read about that was a side character, so he's pretty limited on what he can know right now. I'm fixing that soon for 'im!

>>14288811428881

But I was sober the first time I promise

But in all honesty, if neither of us can find it again we must have been either hallucinating or just having a serious case of the dumbs, in my case it's probably the latter.

Now now, chop chop, I wanna know what happens next.

>>14289011428901 You guys aren't dumb!!!

Haha working on it! I promise :)

>>14116571411657 >>14117971411797 >>14125821412582

Lets avoid the word "trap" please. It is a nasty slur directed primarily at trans women and the whole idea behind the term gets quite a few killed.

>>14118761411876

There is always reason to be afraid over this, even with those who seem like they would be great. And then we are talking about Fluttershy, who is very fearful already.

>>14130301413030

This will be interesting to see how you keep them in character.

Wow, Rarity, you are both an awesome friend and an unwitting reckless jerk at the same time. So accepting but then pushing poor Fluttershy to tell everyone right away (not a good thing to do, especially considering that there are real consequences to negative reactions). She has to know that Fluttershy has a hard time putting her hoof down and saying no, especially to Rarity. I guess this kind of goes with Rarity being gossipy (you know, I am actually having a hard time figuring out whether her gossipiness is canon or fanon - doesn't matter - just makes Rarity more interesting)

>>14289491428949 Yeah, I only used the word be because of the person that first used it, quoting them, if nothing else. I think the whole idea of using such words is disgusting and horrible.

Thanks for all your thoughts on the story so far! It's good to see people critically thinking about my story. In my opinion, Rairty being gossipy is fanon, but that might just be me.

>>14291561429156

Gossipy or no gossipy (lol?), I think if Ponyville Confidential showed us anything it's that she is, at the very least not above such things... Until it happens to her.

I like it!

>>14310891431089 Oh, gossipy :P and agreed, you make a very fine point

>>14344341434434 Thank you so much, and the next chapter is coming out by the end of the weekend so stay tuned! :)

Great now what you said before lost all meaning Soarin' is transcolt, i think now not he has the parts of a stallion so then he is transgender

>>14415191441519 Not really, my brief definition of the two still stands. When the ponies say transcolt, it's the same as saying "transperson" or "transguy" in reference to humans. No depiction of surgeries or whether they are transgender or transsexual is apparent in this descriptive word.

. . . You just fucked with my head here bro. Once again, cool with the whole thing. Ally. That out of the way, it's hard to see Soarin as a mare . . . I mean he's voiced by the guy who played Kira in Gundam Seed . . . I guess it isn't really stretch then. Nevermind!

>>14418001441800 Haha! Yes, I figured no one would be too upset if I presented Soarin as such

>>14417471441747 you mean it isnt and it can be?

>>14420761442076 in this question, what do you mean by "it"?

When I use the word transcolt, it merely means that the pony is trans. Trans-what is up to the context, of course. Just with how---say---for you, I could refer to you as a transperson. Whether you have already had surgeries or not isn't implied or not implied and isn't apart of the descriptive word at all. I think you're linking the word transcolt to transgender and by saying that Soarin is a transcolt (thus transgender) that he couldn't have had a sexual reassignment surgery, but that isn't necessarily true since how I am using the word "transcolt" refers to all types of male-identifying-ponies.

I hope that answers your question!

If I understand the terminology, he's a transcolt if he was born a filly, whether or not he's had the operation.  (Corrections welcomed.)

>>14423921442392 Perfect.

an extremely well written story so far. As a friend of someone that has just come out as trans, I asked Zie to read this story so far. Zie agrees that the fears Fluttershy is having were some of the fears Zie had. Zie and I applaud you work and are hoping for a continuation of this story. +1 Vote and a fave

>>14434681443468 Thank you so much, that means the world to me! And yes, there is much more in the story to unfold!

Okay, Rainbow's reaction made me smile.  I thought the way Fluttershy kind of lets Rarity take the lead even though it annoys and scares her was very appropriate for the character.  It was cool to see Rainbow Dash stand up for Fluttershy against their well-meaning friend.

About the terminology stuff with transgender and transexual and what not. Depending on the terminology model, the term transgender includes transsexual in addition to other categories (transsexuals are a subset and people can be more than one type and also, there are more than two genders), but in others the term transsexual is falling out of favor being just outright replaced by transgender. The term trans* is also often used to include everything (the * being a wildcard for any number of characters in computer searches). Desire for medical stuff (hormones, surgeries, etc.), ability to access them, and whether one has used them or is using them presently do not determine whether one is trans* or not as has been mentioned. It is merely one's gender identity that does. Now, something that has been mentioned, desire for or having done any medical stuff does not make one individual more trans* than another who doesn't/hasn't nor does it make the one's gender identity more valid than the other's (nor the other way around).

Transcolt Soarin. Neat. Love Dash's reaction of "awesome" especially because it was the right reaction to help Fluttershy emotionally, though I do worry if Dash exotifies transcolts which is not so good (though it could just be now Fluttershy has something in common with her hero Soarin and this is simply fangirling).

>>14291561429156

I mostly just wanted to make the point to everyone reading these comments about this word, so I simply quoted everyone I found who had said it with a text search without reading the context. But yeah, a dangerous word, especially for my kind (trans woman/girl) and sadly has even lead to a meme involving Akbar. People see us as this, which in addition to being incorrect, tends to lead to people hurting/killing us and others not caring when we are hurt/killed (note, the victims are disproportionately racial minorities and poor which shows what other bigotries are also going on).

>>14310891431089

Oh, yeah, I remember that. Rarity might have been gossipy in fanon before canon (or the otherway around) which is cool.

>>14434681443468

Oh yes to this. Even if one thinks one has an almost zero chance of a bad reaction, there is so much fear (talking from experience).

>>14443261444326

Made me happy too. Someone needed to tell Rarity that what she was doing was not OK (its basically a way of outing people against their will).

>>14443261444326 Im glad you're finding my portrayals appropriate. :)

>>14451051445105 Yeah, I wasnt thinking when I quoted that guy using that word, sorry

Thanks for alll the feedback and reactions to my story! Im glad you're enjoying it!

Soarin as a transcolt? Huh, who knew? Does kinda explain his overcompensating voice though.

Just a minor complaint but this part had me confused for a second.

"We've got something to tell you Pinkie Pie. Well, Fluttershy does." She stated.

Took a few seconds until I realized who said that. Other than that, good job.

>>14458581445858 Ohh! Sorry about that! Changing it now.

Reactions all seem in character so far, so thumbs up

>>14728311472831

And even Fluttershy is in character too, which is a real hard one to pull with this type of story. Is he going to continue to go by Fluttershy (I see no reason to or not to) or change his name to Butterscotch or something else. I wonder.

>>14792011479201 We'll have to see - it's entirely possible that he'll see that everypony will accept the change, and therefor decide he doesn't actually NEED to change.

>>14792921479292

That would be nice, though need and want are two different things. For example, even if everyone in the world would accept me as a woman despite my very male given name (it literally means son of _____ in a very obvious fashion) and if there would be no problems with using it, I would still probably want to change it. I still wish that it was a realistic option to keep my given name since it is sort of an unfair decision to have to change one's name or be misgendered and/or outed as trans* all the time by it.

>>14795491479549  *nods understandingly*

I really like this fic! I don't know why it took me this long to read it. I like how we're given insight into Fluttershy's mind and how realistically apprehensive she is. I think perhaps the other ponies are a bit too predicably accepting of Fluttershy, making her fears and the premise of the story seem too unfounded. There needs to be some conflict to actually make a fic a story and not just a list of predictable events. Other than I am very much looking forward to the continuation of this story. Nice work

Very well written. I am curious how you handle the actual sex change. I would not put it past Twilight to research a spell for that.

>>15571791557179

Oh I'm getting there!

I'm watching you AJ...

Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/442/204/113.jpg

>>16788621678862

I know I know, AJ lovers are going to be all over me

>>16789011678901

I don't mind really, not everyone can be accepting.

To be honest, despite the anarchy, I feel that everyone still pretty much stayed in character.

It also kind of echoes the feelings I had when I came out at work. I was literally shivering when I was telling my boss what was going on. Thankfully I didn't get fired, although my parents still say stupid shit like "It's too soon." Yeah, sure, I may be on a bit of a tight leash at work at the moment, but this kind of shit just doesn't make work any easier. If anything, I feel like my boss understands me a bit better.

>>16789051678905

Well I'm glad. I analyzed everyone's personality and paralleled their reactions to the best of my ability. Staying in character is my number one priority.

>>16789351678935

Thank you! It means a lot that you think so. I'm sorry about your parents. =/ It's good your boss is accepting though!

>>16789551678955

Ces't la vie. They conceived me, now they just gotta deal with me. If they want to worry about me getting hurt unnecessarily to the point where they start to inhibit any and all progress I could be making, then that's their problem.

The world is a cesspool of fuckbuckets and sheeple. Learned that a long time ago. They don't have to remind me of that constantly.

>>16789621678962

That it is. You always have all of us on Fimfiction though!

Waitwaitwait... back up a second... so you mean to tell me this site isn't a cesspool of fuckbuckets and sheeple?

Well fuck.

EDIT: Forgive my antics. I am a bit sleep deprived at the moment.

Gawdammit RD, YOU are the one making this harder than need be.

>>16790001679000

Hahaha! You're fine, don't worry

>>16791411679141

It's a shame, because between all of them RD seems to be the only one who gets it. Her brash nature just gets in the way of defending Fluttershy better.

As an AppleJack fan, i find her reaction rather well done. It's not really talked about in normal society, so some people, or ponies in this case, won't get it right away. i know i sure didn't. But i  hope this is resolved  in a way that keeps her apprehension in check and sees the bigger picture to it. A good move in the story, keep it up.

Mwahahahaha...it's alive! (Wondered if this was gonna get updated.)

And this just might be the best chapter so far.  Long live the Drama!  You do a remarkable job of keeping the ponies in character.  I especially liked your Twilight, who is so quick to analyze everything.  It was funny, because I actually relate to Twilight quite a bit, so I was feeling all defensive for her when Rainbow Dash let her have it.  I wonder if it might be too much to expect all her friends to instantly get it, especially when Applejack hadn't even heard the word "transpony" before.  Anyway, things I especially liked during this chapter: the tension between the friends (oooohhh), Twilight's head-rather-than-heart reaction, Applejack's "All of this affects me just like it affects y'all!" (It just seemed like such a natural thing for someone to say).

Solid stuff.

Actually . . . Twilight has a fair point. And RD really overreacted. I get AJ being confused about it, but Twilight seems on board with the idea. She was just stating facts. There was nothing for RD to get upset about. It's like asking your kids about it. Fair questions. And since this is, at least for AJ and Twilight, coming right the hell out of nowhere, their reactions are fair. RD and Rarity on the other hand (Not hoof because fuck you) kind of sort of really overreacted  when the two ask fair questions to Fluttershy.

I see Dash's responses as, more than anything else, simply impatient: "Hey, I grasp this.  What's taking the rest of you so long?"  And since she's already committed to defending Fluttershy, she's going to be a tick or two beyond her usual brusque self.

Rarity is right: "They'll come around."  But they're going to have to see Fluttershy speaking up for himself.  And I worry that his family, wherever they might be, will not take this well.

Fluttershy needs a hug.