The account of the night that Twilight Sparkle came into the world and how her brother and her became best friends forever.
So much D'awwwness
D'awwwwww I've only got one thing:
Shining too closed her eyes and fell asleep.
I think you meant 'his'.
aww that was too cute :) nice job
Not bad, not bad at all.
I'd recommend making more of a separation between that last paragraph where Shining wakes up and the rest of the story. How it currently is, it almost reads like Twilight started talking minutes after birth. Just add another line break and you're good.
That aside, D'AWWWWWWWW!
“Would you like to miss your baby sister?” Um what?
Other than that great story.
You don't need to start a new paragraph after every sentence. But other than that:
Oh my gosh. This made me cry
It seemed a little rushed (just a very little, mind you), but other than that, really good.
Oh, this got featured.
I got in before featured again. Sweet.
OR DID HE...
Some minor grammar and spelling issues, and paragraph placement, and some of the dialogue seems a bit stiff. But other than that, great story! I'm watching for more!
Like somepony said, just a tad bit rushed, but great story!
I love it! So much D'awwing from me
Hrm. Interesting. I liked the concept. But, there was a few issues. Grammar and spelling being a few, the other is the fact every sentence was give its own paragraph. Made it seem a tad bit rushed. But, I think people have already said this.
Otherwise good story, I'll give it a thumbs up.
Oh my god... I accidentaly thumbed down this beautiful fanfic... I'M SO SORRY ;___; i loved it i swear...
Great story. But it was pretty rushed, and it was filled with spelling and grammar issues.
Just press like instead and you're forgiven
Alrighty then. I liked it, it was cute. I hate to go all "perfectionist beeyotch" on you here, but...
1. A lot of missed commas and other small errors.
2. The labor process doesn't exactly go that quickly (as far as I know, it's very similar for ponies and humans).
3. Well... It was very cute, but the ending kinda threw me for a whirl.
But other than that, it was very nice.
I loved it, great work.
Despite the weird pacing, and some grammar issues, I liked this little story and it's worthy of a few feels...
zat would be me
IIIIIt's Dashie's one shot fanfiction evaluation time!
Alright, so there were things that I liked about this fanfic and things that I didn't like. First off, the overall premise of it was pretty good. It was a nice concept and everything. But I feel like this fic was sort of pulled down by all of its minor faults. First off, the scene where Shining's reaction to Twilight changes happens like the snap of a finger. His attitude just changes way too quickly for me to feel anything at that scene. There are also numerous grammar mistakes, (I didn't count, but there were a lot - no offense, I already said that the premise was good!) I didn't see a whole lot of spelling mistakes, if any, and after Twilight and Shining wake up apparently Twilight learned to talk at less than 12 hours old. Also they just kind of fall back asleep afterwards, which is incredibly anticlimactic.
I like the idea for the story, I really do. But what could be a good story is hampered down by all of the little flaws making it only a pretty decent story. That said, I still don't want to downvote it, so...
...I'm going to leave this one without a downvote or an upvote.
Thanks for reading, and remember - I said I liked the premise! I complimented you! Don't hate me for my evaluation!
Please get a pre reader or editor. This story is like water, tasteless and thin. Add some zest!
Good, but for the formatting.
I thought the Father's name was Midnight, and the Mom's name was Nite Lite?
All my daww bro. All my daww.
I really thought this was cute, so many feels, but...
You need to work on your formatting as the current layout is way too cluttered. Your pacing is off, it's not too bad, but it comes off as clunky. Your characterizations are OK, but because of how brief they are they do seem a bit generic. and as many have mentioned, your grammar is well, pretty bad. You need to do a bit more of the "show, don't tell" style of writing and try not to get in such a hurry. So find yourself a pre-reader and work on the aforementioned problems and you'll have a very solid slice of life fic, as well as a good foundation for writing future stories.
Also as a big brother myself, Shining's reaction is pretty close. I was a bit more excited as I already have a twin sister (I'm older than her by a minute), but the hesitation about a new baby melts pretty fast once you hold the newborn. I'd have his parents make Shining hold Twilight, then as she does that new baby stuff have his heart melt.
It changes whoever you ask. I'm a sucker for metallica so I picked Orion
Who ever disliked this has no soul.
I agree. Oh and I made the featured. "YYYEEESSS!!!"
Yeah, I read it before it did and immediately said to myself, "This is gonna get featured."
I WAS RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!
A little to much detail for my taste, but still towards Twilight and Shining's part was still very cute.
Did you know that 11 of the people that read this story are drug addict Prostitutes? They had to be if they downvoted this story
Thank you for saying that.
I think me heart stopped working...there it goes
Is that good or bad?
>>14048231404823 good, very very good.
Good concept, not bad writing, just lacking in substance really.
For instance, it would have worked better if you described things a lot more, as well as take a tad longer for events to chain together. ESPECIALLY when it came to Shining's first look at Twilight, which should have had a lot more buildup and emotion.
Honestly, with a bit more practice you could probably whip out some pretty good stories.
I enjoyed this very much. Very much indeed
So much D'aaawww, but not much else.
To be honest, the whole story fell kind of... flat. It's rushing along at break neck speed with a single destination in mind, and it gets there so fast that it left me rather unsatisfied. Not that it's bad, mind you, just shallow.
THE D'AWWWWWWW METER HAS IMPLODED FROM THE AMOUNT OF CUTNESS