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The account of the night that Twilight Sparkle came into the world and how her brother and her became best friends forever.
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I'd recommend making more of a separation between that last paragraph where Shining wakes up and the rest of the story. How it currently is, it almost reads like Twilight started talking minutes after birth. Just add another line break and you're good.
That aside, D'AWWWWWWWW!
You don't need to start a new paragraph after every sentence. But other than that:
Image: http://gifs.gifbin.com/1237811519_chuck-norris-approves.gif
Hrm. Interesting. I liked the concept. But, there was a few issues. Grammar and spelling being a few, the other is the fact every sentence was give its own paragraph. Made it seem a tad bit rushed. But, I think people have already said this.
Otherwise good story, I'll give it a thumbs up.
Alrighty then. I liked it, it was cute. I hate to go all "perfectionist beeyotch" on you here, but...
1. A lot of missed commas and other small errors.
2. The labor process doesn't exactly go that quickly (as far as I know, it's very similar for ponies and humans).
3. Well... It was very cute, but the ending kinda threw me for a whirl.
But other than that, it was very nice. 
Despite the weird pacing, and some grammar issues, I liked this little story and it's worthy of a few feels...
Image: http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/407/103/ef7.jpg
IIIIIt's Dashie's one shot fanfiction evaluation time!
THE EVALUATION:
Alright, so there were things that I liked about this fanfic and things that I didn't like. First off, the overall premise of it was pretty good. It was a nice concept and everything. But I feel like this fic was sort of pulled down by all of its minor faults. First off, the scene where Shining's reaction to Twilight changes happens like the snap of a finger. His attitude just changes way too quickly for me to feel anything at that scene. There are also numerous grammar mistakes, (I didn't count, but there were a lot - no offense, I already said that the premise was good!) I didn't see a whole lot of spelling mistakes, if any, and after Twilight and Shining wake up apparently Twilight learned to talk at less than 12 hours old. Also they just kind of fall back asleep afterwards, which is incredibly anticlimactic.
THE VERDICT:
I like the idea for the story, I really do. But what could be a good story is hampered down by all of the little flaws making it only a pretty decent story. That said, I still don't want to downvote it, so...
STALEMATE
...I'm going to leave this one without a downvote or an upvote.
Thanks for reading, and remember - I said I liked the premise! I complimented you! Don't hate me for my evaluation!
-MASH
I really thought this was cute, so many feels, but...
You need to work on your formatting as the current layout is way too cluttered. Your pacing is off, it's not too bad, but it comes off as clunky. Your characterizations are OK, but because of how brief they are they do seem a bit generic. and as many have mentioned, your grammar is well, pretty bad. You need to do a bit more of the "show, don't tell" style of writing and try not to get in such a hurry. So find yourself a pre-reader and work on the aforementioned problems and you'll have a very solid slice of life fic, as well as a good foundation for writing future stories.
Also as a big brother myself, Shining's reaction is pretty close. I was a bit more excited as I already have a twin sister (I'm older than her by a minute), but the hesitation about a new baby melts pretty fast once you hold the newborn. I'd have his parents make Shining hold Twilight, then as she does that new baby stuff have his heart melt.
Image: http://static1.fjcdn.com/thumbnails/comments/HNNNNG+thud+_2e450d155edac8e03e6967b521f1da18.jpgWho ever disliked this has no soul.
Good concept, not bad writing, just lacking in substance really.
For instance, it would have worked better if you described things a lot more, as well as take a tad longer for events to chain together. ESPECIALLY when it came to Shining's first look at Twilight, which should have had a lot more buildup and emotion.
Honestly, with a bit more practice you could probably whip out some pretty good stories.
So much D'aaawww, but not much else.
To be honest, the whole story fell kind of... flat. It's rushing along at break neck speed with a single destination in mind, and it gets there so fast that it left me rather unsatisfied. Not that it's bad, mind you, just shallow.
THE D'AWWWWWWW METER HAS IMPLODED FROM THE AMOUNT OF CUTNESS
Image: http://i623.photobucket.com/albums/tt319/Armand_1986/SHUT_DOWN_EVERYTHING_by_BrunowskiSigs.jpg
Manly tears were shed.... Very manly tears...
Doubt it.
Looking at the story critically, I can easily see why people would down vote it. It is rushed. It is poorly formatted and would be a massive wall of text if not for the rushed aspect. And, beyond that, lots of grammatical errors, I'm seeing about an average of two errors per three lines. That's pretty bad. Basically, the TWE should have been by already.
Now, as to what can be done to fix it up some, here is some of what I found wrong, grammatically speaking. The briefness, the tell versus show, not touching on those aspects. Feel free to delete this comment after you fix the stuff up. Or if you don't plan to fix it up. At the very least, it should help explain some of the down votes. And fixing the errors will probably help avoid some, as well as maybe turn some non-votes into up votes.
To start, the ones that are repeated over and over, all in conversation. Looking at this one line, since it has all three common errors in it:“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine.” Her husband said as she pushed her.
When you're using something like said, if there is a period before the end quotation mark, you replace it with a comma. Fix that and you have this:
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine,” Her husband said as she pushed her.
And the said bit is part of the same sentence, so you don't capitalize things you wouldn't ordinarily capitalize. Her isn't something you capitalize unless it starts a sentence and it isn't in this case. So now it should look like this:
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine,” her husband said as she pushed her.
Next up, when you are addressing someone, like you are here with the honey, you need to separate that with commas. You've got the one after already, but not the one before. Do that and you wind up with:
“Relax, honey, you’re doing just fine,” her husband said as she pushed her.
Those three errors are rampant throughout the story. Not going to point them all out, but now that you know what to look for, you should be able to fix 'em up easily enough.
And now for other stuff:
You should indent paragraphs and/or have an extra return between each one. This would be a huge issue if the story wasn't almost all short lines of dialogue, but should still be fixed.
A unicorn mare was being pushed inside in a wheel chair. - wheelchair.
“Relax honey, you’re doing just fine.” Her husband said as she pushed her. - she should be he.
“Help my wife has gone into labor!” Orion more or less screamed. - you need punctuation after Help, probably an exclamation mark. As is, this could read as "Help my wife!"
“Sorry it’s required.” The mare at the front desk said. - comma after Sorry. And of course the period after required should be a comma and the bold the should be lower case.
Orion finished with the paper and handed them back to her. - Dazzle was the last female mentioned before this sentence. This means Orion is handing the paperwork to Dazzle, not the mare at the front desk.
At that moment, a nurse came and escorted the wheel care
into the operating area. - unnecessary line break after care. Wheel care should be wheelchair. Also, shouldn't they be going to the maternity ward, not the operating area?
Shining just sighed and said “Whatever.” - comma after said.
The nurse that had been pushing the wheel chair brought - wheelchair
She was given a hospital gown to dress into. - As written, the she refers to the nurse. She should be Dazzle.
to take its affect. - should be: to take effect
“Alright I’ll take that as okay. - comma after alright.
She placed her legs onto the pedals of the chair and tried to relax. - what chair? The nurse moved her to a bed prior to this.
“Alright I can see the head, - comma after alright.
Cross said lowering his
hooves. - unnecessary line break after his.
Dazzle yelled as she gave a final push.” - quotation mark after push doesn't belong.
Red Cross picked up a something wrapped in a blanket. - a shouldn't be there.
Orion brought her to Dazzle who took her in her arms. - replace the her after Dazzle with another term, like "the foal" or something. As is, her would refer to Dazzle, not the baby.
“I just knew he love her.” Orion whispered to his wife. - missing a would between he and love. And, of course, the period after her should be a comma.
“and I love you too.” Dazzle said. - and should be capitalized. And the period after too is another of those that should be a comma.
The period in the title shouldn't be there.
POW RIGHT IN THE FEELS
Image: http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6ncbsoZXx1rzz3r3o1_500.gif
>>1405446 It's not just you, I noticed it too 
Actually it's the sole reason I clicked this story, I wanted to take a closer look at the picture because it seemed off to me. Such a shame, it's a cute picture otherwise.
To the author, sorry for getting your hopes up by giving you a review alert. I didn't read your story. Keep writing anyway!
Well that was just plain cute and adorable. i really like how you portrayed Shinning Armor. I would assume he'd be like every sibling who felt discarded when a new addition to the family arrives, but he too fell to the charms of Twilight Sparkle. Love this fic, deserved to be in the feature box. You rock, that is all I can say! 
Premise of the story is very good
Grammar is decent. No flaws that screamed at me.
Story structure needs work. Focus more on Shining's feelings toward his sister and not so much on the birthing process. Maybe start when his parents tell him that mom's pregnant. Or extend the timeline to when they bring Twiley home and commence sibling jealousy.
This is just me being knitpicky, but ponies give birth standing up. Also, they don't have arms, they have forelegs.
Try to be more descriptive. What are the characters feeling at any given point in time? How are these feelings made apparent in expressions and actions.
Dazzle's comment about cutting her husband if he gets her pregnant again strikes me as something that a first-time mother would say. This being her second child, I think Dazzle would know what to expect.
Sorry if I'm dumping a lot on you. I like the premise of the story, but not really the story itself. With a bit of work, I think this could be really good.
Childbirth isn't actually that traumatic for other species. Humans have that problem due to their brain size/body size ratio being so large compared to other mammals.
Actually, FiM ponies would probably be worse. Their heads are about as big as the rest of their bodies. Carry on, then.
READ THIS A MILLION TIMES
DO IT NOW
I wanted to feel something cute, but I just couldn't. The errors and the bad style just make it feel like a pane of fogged glass separating me and the story. Formatting and grammar are just things that you can't go without. No matter how good of an idea you have, if you can't write, it's not going to go well.
I think i found a tiny mistake almost at the end of the story: “I just knew he love her.” Orion whispered to his wife.
Did you intend to put a "would" in there? If not you need to correct "knew" to "know".
Great story.
4 of 6 spikes and a green thumb on the way.
Definitely not the worst fic I've seen, but it needs a lot of work before I can actually call it good.
There are several errors in grammar and punctuation, though those aren't serious enough to really detract from the story. No, the real problem with this fic is the format; quite frankly it reads like a script, and scripts are not fun to read. A good fic will be like a novel, where the descriptive imagery will flow off the pages and shape the readers imagination. A script on the other hand, is a series of directions to guide a group of actors in a performance; with the imagery being left to set and costume designers.
I'mma have to agree with a few people here. I came cause I saw d'aww and expected to receive d'aww. What I got was a great idea with horrible execution. That's not how giving birth works at all, Shining's feelings and all of their reactions period are bland, >>1406631 this and >>1405416 this, and I can say that it all ruined any notion of cuteness that could have been in the story.
I'd say I'm surprised it got featured, but it wouldn't be the first time something like this happened. I will say that I liked what you were intending to do, but until everything gets fixed, you got a downvote from me. Send me a message when it's been revised and I'll come reread it and determine its rating again.
I basically agree with Allonso Bronyguy: Great premise, okay grammar, weird and choppy paragraph and sentence structure, okay execution, and SO MUCH D'AWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!
I do really love this, but I think it could be so much better if you tweaked it (Twilight talking a few hours after birth is kind of impossible, even if she is a unicorn. Plus, I don't think that's how giving birth works at all). Shining Armor's resentment towards the lack of attention could have been expressed much more effectively if you stretched out the timeline. While I'm talking about extending, try and make the scene where Shining Armor sees his baby sister for the first time longer and slightly more detailed, showing instead or telling to display the emotion.
I hate to sound like I hate your story, because I really don't. It's an excellent idea, but the execution needs work, and the errors can be easily repaired. I did enjoy this, though, because I simply love what you were trying to get across. 
May the Faust be with you!
Myriad
I like the story idea. Although I wished you included more on HOW and WHY they became friends. The story describes the birth, but the story would be so much better if you added more details on Twilight's early childhood and their tender moments, building up to the BBBFF/Twily relationship that they have now.
First of all, nice profile pic. I love Soundgarden.
Second of all, I will upvote because I can tell you tried. However, since everyone else has expressed how much d'awww and hnnng this story procures, despite emotional impact, and looking at this from a strictly objective standpoint, this was not very well-executed. This is very nice... for a rough draft. It just doesn't feel complete to me, what with all the grammar/punctuation errors, and breakneck pace. I felt really detached from the story because of this. Then again, I've kinda got a problem with feeling emotions, so there's that. There's also a lack of details. Don't get me wrong, it was easy enough to follow, but it felt like... like donuts with a giant air hole inside; empty. Don't get me wrong, this was a really good piece from an emotional standpoint, as a reader, but as a writer... better luck next time. I would hope that you do a massive upheaval of editing on your future stories, because that's pretty much the only problem you have.
Also, it took a month for Pumpkin & Pound Cake to say Pinkie's name, just to let you know. Twelve hours isn't easy to grasp, and completely defeats the suspension of disbelief.
The mom and dad are probably the best part of the story despite momma Sparkle's freakishly quick labor and absurdly quick drug absorption and breakdown rates.
Seriously, labor lasts longer than that and it takes more than a few seconds for drugs to kick in, last, then wear out. Put a bit more time during the labor scene, maybe have papa Sparkle go talk to Armor, switch perspective to Armor bitching about being neglected to some old stallion or someone.
! IDEA
! Bonus points if you have Armor meet in passing, glimpse, or talk(or bitch about Twi) to Cadence
! Even better if you keep her unnamed but her description strong enough to where the audience knows who she is. *Thinks
* If you REALLY want to have her named, you should have him forget her name almost immediately when she leaves or realizes that he forgets her name and face AND get confused about her race while he's holding Twi.
Actually now that I think about it, you could do similar things for Armor in the waiting room. Like have Armor roll his eyes at "The Great an Powerful _______" the stallion hobble in demanding medical assistance for the wand stuck in his forearm
, checkout the rainbow handlebar moustach on the red pegasus stallion until Mr. Dash is called away to his appointment
, have Armor get lectured by a protective mom after he is caught staring at a grey pegasus foals eyes
... The possibilities are endless to have fun with the "its a small world" idea.
Regardless of how you do it, extend the labor time. Its freakishly short
!
As for Twi being smart, it was established in the cutie mark episode(and later during the BBBFF song) that Twi had to study ALL the time to get her current inteligence. Even then, she is kinda slow on the uptake. I bring this up since it seems that she begins talking the next morning (which realisticly, she would have spent it in the nursery in one of those plastic box thingys). Put a time skip interval before her first words, and even then have her mangle "brother" a bit (ex: Brudda! Bru*raspberry*da! Broda!) then have her do some thing cute (like suck on her back left hoof) or gross (like vomit on Armor (Bru-BLARRR)).
Sorry if I seemingly try to hijack your story there
, I was just trying to throw out ideas on how you could extend and flesh out the story a bit.
It was fun and cute regardless though. I'll reread again if you flesh it out some more.
I love how everyone's complaining, "That's not how birth works"... when these are magical talking ponies we're talking about. In fact, labor is much faster for real-world horses, so... there you go.
I do agree that this does need some revision, but I got the D'AAAAAAW I was expecting. So points there.
With the image in mind, I somewhat expected this to be a fanfiction with filly Twilight being super adorable along with Shining Armor. And yet, I felt no "d'awws" going on.
Like many others, I will point out the fact that this was too rushed to really get any feel for the characters or the conflict, which I will get to soon. It's about 1,000 words and part of it is actually just getting to the part involving labor. We don't even see much of Shining Armor except for part in the beginning and then finally a big part in the end, even if it is ended quickly. I feel nothing for him, even if I have been in his situation; well, actually, I was quite excited both times when I got a brother and then a sister, but one can see it different ways. Anyway, it seems as if we don't get much on Shining Armor's part, as if we are supposed to understand him. Say we don't; then the conflict is absolutely nothing! And then at the end, his problem is gone in a flash. You can say the sight of the baby changed everything, but I did not get the emotions of that. It was so quick, I almost forgot what he was previously feeling about this. Perhaps seeing a part in the beginning where he was informed this, and we saw he didn't like the idea would have been nice.
Also, lots of grammar issues, but that's been mentioned multiple times. Nonetheless, it was an okay read. This just could have been longer with more potential in emotion and character development alongside relationship development.
I'm not really sure if this is cute or not... First off, Twilight's parents have names, and it isn't those.
Second, this could really use some filling out. It's fine how it is, but more detail could make it even D'AWWWWW-er.
other than that, this is great! good story, and great idea, just needs more detail.
This is a very sweet and potentially fun idea. However, with the formatting issues and the plethora of grammatical errors, this little story is difficult to read. I would suggest getting an editor to assist you. There are many people on this site that are capable and willing to help out.
If you can fix the formatting and grammar issues, I can give it a serious consideration on an up-vote.
I got some feels and d'awwww but a few things harmed the experience abit. A few spelling errors as well as pacing problems. I can't really say if It's a thumbs up or down so I won't vote, the star system was much better, this thumb system is dildos. 
Still a nice little fic. 
Image: http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/164/259/46001%25252520-%25252520caption%25252520hnng%25252520macro%25252520spike.jpgHmmm... my thoughts... well I love the concept... and I love the title... I don't know if you know it but that's very close to a reference xD of a very famous line: "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" from the movie Casablanca... good movie btw... xD
Anyways... personally I feel while the concept is good a few things need to be worked out. One is Shinning's reaction/his dad's reaction. That moment that his dad shared with Shinning was waaay to fast IMO, I feel like it should either be expanded on or possibly cut because at the moment it simply feels like it's taking up space.
Next is when Shinning picks up his sister and then IMMEDIATELY changes his view on her. I feel like that was suppose to be the most emotional part of the story but I felt nadda there... sorry. But I didn't believe his change, I feel like even if the change happens right there in that room it would take a few moments and for Shinnings emotions and thoughts to go from "GRRRR 
" to something more like: "Sister? Sister!" At least that's how I felt. I got no sense of the internal change.
Also... how the heck can Twilight speak 15 minuets after being born? I mean I know she's gifted... but... that's just... That's what I call skill..
Still... the concept is a great idea, and I feel like it could have been a really great story, but I didn't feel like you pulled me in emotionally... so... no up vote... but it wasn't bad... it was far from bad. But... not great 
Well... there's always next time! Once more unto the breech dear friends! Once more!
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