Ashburn is an alicorn, he desires to take Luna as his bride and overthrow Celestia. There are only a few small problems he must overcome...
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- Member Since 16th Jul, 2012
- offline last seen Feb 11th, 2016
The ancient one
I AM NOT A SPY SENT FROM THE WORLD OF CHICKENS TO TAKE YOUR PRODUCE FOR OUR OVERLORD SCOOTALOO! I PROMISE!
The ancient one
Joined 16th Jul, 2012 ·
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Could this be the beginning of a good OC alicorn story? Let's hope so.
A GOOD alicorn story?
cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/22846806.jpg
Too much yelling and bipolar pones.
1397890
The yelling? Yeah, I can see I may have went overboard, but how are they bipolar?
1397876
Thank you!
It's definitely better than your average alicorn OC story. Can't say it's good by normal fic standards, either.
1397910 But people are just going to downvote it because of alicorns...
static1.fjcdn.com/comments/How+would+even+THOSE+idiots+not+notice+a+giant+horse+_1f8247b52146adcfdc83f498a712fc55.png
Celestia disapproves of dumbasses who vote down without reading.
1397922
I was well aware of the bias I would face writing this, but I still chose to write it for two reasons.
1. I thought people could use a break from the average alicorn story. So those who do actually read it, nirvana has arrived, as arrogant as that is.
2. Me and a member of the TWE were talking about the idea of this fic, and I agreed to write it. I was already playing with the idea of an alicorn story before hand, he just gave me permission. Lol.
So, yeah, I'll get thumbs down simply because of the kind of story it is, but hey, at least SOME people will get a laugh. That's all I can really hope for as a comedy author.
1397958 I'm sorry, you said the word "nirvana" and I was too busy having a fanboy attack to read the rest of it. Needless to say, I will watch this story, and I will watch it hard.
1397968
Ha-Ha, thanks, and thanks for the favorite!
1397976 No problem!
1398008
No problem!
And thanks for the favorite!
Soooo my imperial alicorn has made it to this site as well...
...guess I'll give your story a read
I, too, am working on a magic-less, flight-less Alicorn story... Kinda upset I didn't get to it first.
1398121
Don't be, being interesting should be your main focus. If you can pull that off, regardless of who came first, your story will be liked.
And the only tip I can give for writing an interesting story, take your time and have fun.
1397907
I feel like there was a lot of emotion switching and shit.
Oh well, I was sleep deprived as all hell last night. My comments aren't important.
>don't ware logs on your horn
Downvoted for spelling/grammar mistakes (such as that) and awkward structuring.
1400006
Yes, I feel no bias at all.
I will admit, this story has potential. Kind of annoying that people will see the word "alicorn" and automatically freak out and downvote a story because of it, not giving it a chance at all.
Okay, the good news is this isn't bad. The OC shows potential, he's not overpowered, he's not a Gary Stu and he's not your typical black / red monstrosity that alicorn OCs are known as being. He's a bit of a smart-ass but I happen to like that as it meshes with the type of person that I am.
Structure wise I don't see any issues, good use of paragraphs, caps and the typical things that can cause a story to be downvoted so full marks so far.
The little sister is annoying as all younger siblings are whether they be male or female, they fight, everything seems right with this world. If anything I like the dynamic as it reminds me a bit of the interaction between my brother and myself when we were both younger.
If there was a nitpick to make there are some minor grammatical and spelling errors. Here are some examples.
blowheart -> blowhard
She screamed in the fakest of joys, jumping off me. <- technically "fakest" isn't a word but I'll allow it as it is slang.
Like tatarus Tartarus, she's undeserving of her throne. <- of course I'm assuming here you're talking of the Greek primal deity and not somebody else.
atleast = at least
I clashed my horn against her's = hers (no apostrophe)
As soon as I tried to get up, I found myself at spear point.Period has been added here to break this sentence up I must have missed those when they brought them in.
There are a couple cases where a period or comma has been missed right before closing the quotes. Or where a capital has been used at the beginning of a quote when it's not starting the sentence. I'm not going to list them, consider this homework.
And finally the alicorn OC. I get in part why he's an alicorn although I don't think that a pegasus + a unicorn will necessarily result in an alicorn being born. My guess is that somepony or something (Discord perhaps?) had a hand or hoof or claw or whatever in him becoming an alicorn instead of one or the other types.
Other than that, good job. I'll be watching.
>Evil Homer - TWE's Tactical Tactless Nuke
1401262
Thank you! And to be honest, I'm not too well versed on quotation mechanics, I use them in the ways I've seen other people use them.
It's kinda hard for me to grasp concepts that have no clear visible representation. I'm a visual thinker, so...
Anyway! Thank you for the review, I will do my best with this series.
1401365
Basic idea is if you finish a thought in the quotes, you lead the next sentence with a capital. Pretty much you treat it the same way as if the quotes weren't there. You've got a period. Next sentence starts with a capital.
However if you continue the thought outside the quotes then you need a comma, or in the case of the British way of doing things just a space.
"You use a comma at the end of this sentence, " Evil Homer said. "Or you could simply use a space like the Brits do " he said as well. "But if you're ending the thought completely you use a period." If this was the British way of doing things, the final period actually would have gone outside the quotes.
I don't know if that helps you any.
1403049
I don't know, but if they read the comments first...
1403091
I fixed it :P
I wanna know what they think, is it possible you could get her/his opinion?
1403107
No promises, but I'll see what I can do.
Or maybe he is just a "freak"
Not bad! Not bad at all. I was looking and saw this was an alicorn story, and of course my first reaction was, "oh, crap, what did i get myself into?" But it was an enjoyable story. Discords influence on a powerless alicorn seems like a great story idea.
pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3082-13279593542672.png
1668858
Thanks, this is something I'll have to continue at some point. But I wanna take care of my other story first.
1668884 Which one?
1668983
Unexpected changeling: What it means to be loved.
It's the sequel to Unexpected Changeling, my first story. They were the ones I told you about, the ones with the high like and low dislike ratio.
1668995 Okay. Looks like i read the wrong one
. Oh well, it was worth it. I'll jump on your others now. 
1669003
Thanks, and thanks for the favorite!