Tell me what you think! (If it is a bad review, please check if it has been said. I HATE SPAMMERS!)

I'll start a list of issues:

Indent: tab is your friend/

"you was" Spike is not hillbilly, don't treat him as such.

Its fine to use: don't, or I'm in stories: so use them.

I get Norths depression is something thats a key plot point and you don't want to spoil it, but that doesn't mean that you can't give hints or something: foreshadow would be the correct term I would assume.

OC's aren't a problem, people who have their OC over powered or just plain not of the universe they are in, they're a problem.

That's all I can find at any rate.

Still, I'll follow it, seems like a decent idea.

thumbs up for two reasons.

#1. mans gonna end his life, but instead saves another. thats a new one

#2. sucker for romance stories with twilight in them.

oh yeah and have a fav.

P.S. read tears of snow for insperation.

P.S.S. i suck at being an grammer nazi.

I was tired, and sad, so I decided to end it all in the Ever-Free forest. I know that wolves come out in packs to hunt, so I decided to offer myself to them. I planned to try and fight, so that if I did somehow manage to win, I could sell the furs and meat.

It's Everfree. And where would North sell the furs and meat? Ponies are herbivores.

They were both watching a feral wolf

Are there domesticated ones or something?

You could of been shredded up or worst!"

"could have" and "worse".

Also, during the wolf fight-Twilight's magic? What happened there?

"Excuse me, but you do not have authority over us! And besides, we just wanted to visit our friend, that lives in the forest." The mare responded.

When you end dialogue, do so with a comma if you are continuing the thought.

dragon, that was asleep

"who was asleep."

"Um... I have... work!" Spike clearly lied. I just smiled at him, and gave a look of sadness. He smiled, and I got it. He was trying to set up a date! I nodded at him, showing him that I understood.

"well then, it will be just you and me then, won't it North?" Twilight said happily.

I don't see why someone that less than an hour ago was trying to commit suicide would suddenly be ALL ABOUT dating a random mare he knows nothing about.

I went into my bathroom, and started a bath. I put some bubble mixture in it, and grabbed a towel, passing a mirror, catching a glance of a scratch on my purple flank. I started wondering why Spike would lie to North, and decided to find out.

Pick a POV and stick to it, please...

"Spike! Get in here!" I called. I heard my girly voice, and wondered how young North thought I was.

Why would she care?!

The entire premise is pretty unbelievable. You're trying for an OCxTwilight fic, and that just...never ends well at all. It's not very well written, has a ton of grammatical errors, and relies entirely too heavily on hackneyed plot devices.

Also, try to remember that long reviews take time, time in which other people may comment faster. If any of this comment is a repeat of someone else's comment, that's not spamming-that's several people thinking the same thing about your story and posting concurrently.

~Midnight Dancer, TWE's cranky grandma

Turns out that writing stories late at night is not a good idea.

Also, this is not a OcxTwi fic, I just thought I would throw in some awkward things. I like my main character to be in pain, but I plan on writing the story on what people comment, so if someone said to include another dragon, I would consider it. Thanks for reading.

>>13980491398049

Thanks, means a lot to me. I will read snow for inspiration, if you think it would help.

Well, I read your story.  And I like the premise, though there are quite a few glaring issues that should be addressed.  Your first paragraph is far too long.  It should be separated into at least 3 or 4 different paragraphs.  Also, your word choice could use some work as well.  For example, you wrote:

I slowly crawled out from the tree line, and used all my forest loitering skills at my disposal. I picked up a hefty stone, and chucked it behind the wolf, causing the black beast to turn around. I quickly rushed past the mare and scaly dragon, swiftly turned around and delivered both of my hooves to the distracted wolf's rump, causing it to fly into the tree line.

The phrase 'Forest loitering skills', I'd suggest changing it to something like 'the skills I had developed through all my forest excursions'

And for the action portion I'd suggest fixing up your wording so it flows better.  Change it to something like:

'I picked up a hefty stone, and chucked it behind the wolf, causing the black beast to turn around in surprise. In that moment, I saw an opening and quickly rushed past the mare and scaly dragon. In a swift motion, I pivoted upon my fore-hooves and delivered a hefty buck into the distracted wolf's rump. With a sudden yelp and the snapping of a many branches, the canine was tossed into the thick underbrush of the forest.'

There are many ways in which you can edit and work on your story.  writing takes a lot of time, but so long as you have some overarching idea for your story line, then you just have to work away at it, refine it, edit it, and edit it some more.  As I said before, I like the idea behind the story.  I would also like to see you improve as a writer.  Keep writing and do your best.  If you want any more advice, or help in editing, let me know.  I'm on this account on a very regular basis and read every comment that comes my way. I honestly enjoy all aspects of story-writing and love seeing a story come together.

I'll keep an eye on this

>>14007331400733

Thanks for your honesty, and pointing out what I had to actually change. I'll slowly edit the first chapter, and use this for reference on later chapters.

I am officially stopping this story. Hardly anyone liked it, and It holds no interest. I shall post what there is of the second chapter, and just put it on canceled. Thanks for reading this though.