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Okay, okay, cruddy title, I know, and this is going to be a cruddy synopsis as well. Grace is a super awesome alien girl with morphing abilities, and her crazy boyfriend sent her to Equestria for Celestia knows why. Did I mention she's part squirrel? (Crossover with El Goonish Shive)
Cover art by Azure Spark.
El Goonish Shive, a webcomic.
The art starts off a little rough, but it improves dramatically, and the stories are quite good.
The character Grace is from there.
EGS is one of the most awesome webcomics out there, it has been going strong since 2002.
Basically it is a story about 6 teenagers one of them being an alien-alien-human-squirrel hybrid known as Grace Sciuridae, that can morph into practically anything. This picture is from when she became a fan of My little ponies show
this is how all ponys must die
I'll do my best. I've got the whole storyline planned, but it's filling in the details and the jokes that I've never been good at. Then again I'm letting Grace tell me what to write so... Here's hoping.
Also Dan (the webcomic's author) made one of my favorite Derpy pictures ever.
My only complaint is Grace seems a little dumb here. She's a genius, and I think has a photographic memory. She's really naieve, and there is tons she doesn't know but anything she does know she has no problem with.
That said you did get her cheerful attitude just right, as well as her ability to accept weridness without batting an eye down perfect.
Baby, I was born this way.
On that note, do they normally put down horses like this, sorta like gas-chambering dogs and cats? I kinda sorta don't know a thing about horses.
Glad to see this fic doing well, Raindrops! Even though I have no idea what it's about.
I'm not offended, but since you said it was appropriate for the situation, there must then be something i'm clueless about.
(Let's have these comments in PM's from now on so we don't clutter this poor dude's notifications box with comments on a story when the comments are not relevant to it)
I like the concept, but your story seems a bit rushed as of right now. I would suggest finding a good pre-reader who is also a fan of EGS and can provide second opinions on Grace's reactions. (Grace may be sheltered, but she's smart. She should've known the guard was a pegasus as soon as she saw him and she shouldn't be having trouble pronouncing "seyunolu" in her talk with the guard. She knows what she is.)
I am a bit...(dictionary! What is this I'm feeling? Tell me!)... put off (The dictionary failed me
) by Grace's exchange with the guard. In my opinion, I felt he did not react the way a guard should have reacted to a possible threat. From his point of view, a strange bipedal creature just appeared in the middle of the castle grounds out of thin air. Furthermore, the creature can shape-shift. If this takes place after the season two finale, that alone should have been setting off warning bells in his head and having him call for back-up.
He sees all this and what does he decide to do?
"Come on into the castle, Strange, shape-shifting Not-Pony. I'm gonna let be in the same room as our country's beloved ruler."
I can understand wanting to move Grace along quickly to Ponyville, where I assume you plan on having most of the story take place, but the exchange with the guard is just... an awkward way to go about it. I know you're going for Comedy, but it's okay to still have moments when characters don't act silly or make choices that would make no sense outside of a comedy setting. I feel that scene would have gone much smoother had Celestia been in the garden to begin with. The guard could still easily be in the scene too, showing up to in an attempt to protect the princess from the possible threat, and then being told to back the buck down, because Celestia, as wise and as kind as she is, can see Grace means no harm. The scene could then continue as you had it, with Grace explaining what she is and how she got there.
You do have a very excellent funny moment that I felt stayed true to Grace's character.
“Oh, and, um... squirrel, your majesty,” Grace added.“Squirrel?!”
That! That right there works. That's funny
Now granted, it's a small moment of funny, but it's a moment of funny that comes off naturally.
Hmm... I could say more, but I feel if I do say more it would suddenly become less "This part could use some polish and here's a suggestion on how you could do it.", and more, "No. No. Like this. *takes keyboard from you*" And I'm the last one who should be doing that because I haven't a fic to my name. 
(I guess this means you should be taking my advice with a grain of salt.)
I know I sound harsh, perhaps even a little rude, but I certainly don't mean to be. I had a theatre teacher in high school who encouraged us to pick apart each other's performances to the smallest detail.
Now...
Do I think the story would benefit from some polish? Yes.
Do I still like the story despite my nit-picky review? Absolutely. I await the next chapter. (SO I CAN TEAR IT APART TOO!!!
*Cackles evilly*) (just kidding)
Did I write a lot more than I meant to write when I first wanted to leave a comment? Sigh, Yes...
I now close this comment (finally) with a Classic EGS question.
"What did Tedd do now???" 
Harsh? Rude? What are these words you speak? You've obviously never had a story of yours ripped to pieces, fed to the shredder, and handed back to you in a pile of lint by the great NickNack. That guy was brutal, you're a kitten compared to him. 
Still, though, kittens can be quite painful if they attempt to use your leg as a ladder.
Anyway, as you may have guessed, comedy's not really my strong suit. If you'll pardon my crazy for a moment, Grace told me to do it. The same way Pinkie Pie got me to watch ponies via a dream I had, Grace kinda convinced me that I should write this, because [redacted, I will not spoil the upcoming plot].
To get to the point: Thank you. Your advice is most welcome, aside from desperately needed. I was mostly having fun on this one, though, and focused more on putting words to metaphorical paper than making it coherent. I'll see what I can do to clean up the scene in question, and, please do point out any other errors you may or may not notice during your perusal of my mindless scribblings, will you? 
As for Grace's smartness, I remind you of the mopping incident. though you do have a very good point. Now then, I must write, for the gods of curling demand it!
Okay, lame joke, but um... what is that, some kind of demonic duck? *hides quickly*
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