An Inter-Dimensional Being takes a step outside his long life of seclusion, and learns there is more to the world than he had first thought.
I am a selfish, arrogant creature, content to just sit back and watch things settle themselves, and only intervene when I deem it necessary. By that I mean that I would only care if it threatens me. See? I’m a very selfish and heartless creature, can’t you tell? I mean, who could possibly be so cruel? It’s unspeakable, unheard of, downright outra-
Well, what has he done? He's just saying he's all of these and not giving any examples. How is he heartless? How is he selfish? What has he done that proves he's any of these things? If a character is going to say they are, "This" or, "That", the very least you could do is write in some examples. Then he asks if we're confused, three times. About what? He says he's referred to as a god, but he says he's not a god. What about any of this would prompt asking if I'm confused, at all?
You could've portrayed these concepts a lot better, had you just introduced him demonstrating these traits... Show us he's heartless, selfish etc.
If he's a cruel bastard like he's telling me, I wanna see him kicking babies, beating up random people, ignoring help when he's asked of it. I want to see him being as much of a massive douche as he claims. Without the examples, he just feels emo for some reason.
>>13810321381032 You'll learn more about his past as the story progresses. I was attempting to draw people in with tons of questions, and it looks like it worked.
You could still do that in a normal chapter, you're not gonna pull in readers by asking a bunch of useless questions. Did you even read that comment? Everything your character says is null and void. You're having a character tell me how he is, and not giving examples, at most this tells me
A: He's not as bad as he says, and is just a whiner.
B: Ok, that's nice. I have no perception of depth from you, i don't know you, and don't care about you.
I didn't even read the second chapter because of how off putting and emo he seemed in the "Introduction". I asked for examples from you, not because it's "Intriguing" like it feels like you're assuming, but because it's bland. You're telling and not showing, the guy could say he's the ultimate evil! That doesn't make me go "What is he gonna do!?!" it makes me go "Ok, good for you? Am I really suppose to care?" Again, without anything showing who he is, it feels like he's an emo.
This is the reason I told you to give some examples, you don't draw a reader in with questions that don't matter. But hey, if that's what you wanna pat yourself on the back for, go ahead.
>>13811071381107 Did you stop and think maybe it's not a good idea to tell a reader a dark secret of the main character right at the beginning? Maybe revealing those secrets is important later on? I will admit that the introduction was not the greatest, but you have to understand this is a work in progress.
Did you stop and think maybe it's not a good idea to tell a reader a dark secret of the main character right at the beginning?
Lets ask your like and dislike ratio, hmmm, survey says no, it's not a good idea.
All stories are works in progress, doesn't mean they can't be bad. Sorry, nothing about this story intrigues me.
>>13811941381194 *Hasn't read the fiction; just weighing in on your opinion.*
Questions are good! Great in fact! They keep a reader wondering and trying to figure out the answer, making them want to continue on reading.
However. When having them question a fiction they have no interest in? That's bad. You need to make them /want/ answers to the questions you place in front of them. It doesn't work the other way around.
If you say a character is bad, you don't want the reader to ask, 'Why? Why is this character bad?'; you want them to /know/ they're bad, you want them to hate the character. You want them to think, 'I hate this character... not because it's bad though... but because s/he's bad to the other characters...' You want the reader to have a feel for your character; you don't want to /tell/ the reader, you want to /show/ the reader.
Examples: Tell vs. Show
1) Character A is bad.
2) Character A slowly trots through the cold Manehatten streets, shivering slightly in the deep winter weather. His heavy jacket barely does anything against the cold.
A small colt trots up to him, his mane and coat a ragged mess, filth evident just from the smell he gave off. His teeth chatter as he tries to speak, "Hey M-Mistah, could y-ya spare a few b-bits? M-me an' mah s-sis do-" The colt was interrupted as Character A scoffed loudly.
"What do I look like to you boy? A bank? Go bother someone else." And with that, Character A continued his trot to his nice, comfy, and cozy house.
(If you're doing Example 1) in your story... well, just compare 1) to 2)...)
Now that you have a character the reader hates for his actions, and not as he's presented, you can work with that. Show them his 'better light', or his reasoning behind acting like this.
Hope this helps
^"u just dont have a life do u"
Says the one who made an account on this website just to hate.
Anyways, please don't just mark all tags for a story. Dark and comedy... well, maybe you can pull it off, but it seems suspect to me that they're together. If it's just slightly comedic, leave it out.
Just because you are a snarky little prick does not mean you are right. Sure his like vs. dislike ratio is off, so what!? does not mean it is a bad fic, just means there are too many idiots who read the summary then vote without reading the actual fic. and asking questions is one of the BEST ways to grab a readers attention, you can ask almost any creative writing teacher! so why dont you take your snarky attitude, and go somewhere else with it! because the comments are supposed to be there to provide constructive criticism, not be a little prick who knows nothing about writing.
Right, let me take care of this on my back up account.
Firstly, I critiqued him to help him. An author does not improve if the flaws of his/her stories are not pointed out.
Secondly, I know more about creative writing than you obviously do, my very first fanfiction has 152 likes and 15 dislikes. And from that fic I gained over 50 watchers. My word is something he may want to take.
Thirdly, making the reader ask useless questions is not a good way to keep attention. He says ponies call him a god, but he says he's not. Then he asks if we're confused. Making me go "Why would i be confused?" when the obvious answer is "A powerful being" also hinted at by the TITLE is not going to attract attention.
Fourthly, the character is telling us how he is. Writing is not a visual medium, you get more of an impact from actually "showing" how the character is. If i wrote a character and made him say " I am a madman! I can't reason! I am evil! Who could ever love me!?" you're not gonna go "Oh what is he like to make him say this!?" you're gonna go "Ok? What is the point of telling me this? I don't know you, nor do I care if you are these things you say you are"
Fifthly, if the best response you can come up with is a butthurt whine, then please, bring some cheese next time.
If you wish to send some more butthurt, please contact "The Ancient One" because I'm sure it'll matter on my main account....or not.
Oh, are you done? then allow me to retort!
first, I said CONSTRUCTIVE criticism, not destructive, or dumb criticism, as you do, my good sir.
second, you're picking on somebody who has JUST posted his fic up, and your fic has been up for much longer. I was not saying you are not good at writing, i was just stating that you could simply ask a creative writing teacher about hooks, and they will tell you that asking questions is a great hook to many stories.
third, try reading more than the introduction on a fic. havent you ever heard of "dont judge a book by its cover"?
fourth, can you stop contradicting yourself, it makes you look stupider than you already are
fifth, that makes no sense my good sir! you failed so badly hit yourself in your own eye
sixth, fourthly and fifthly are not even real words...
seventh, if this is the best you can do, i feel sad about even starting this with you, for shame, good sir, for shame
p.s. your turn
>>14089771408977 This is the most one sided game of comments I've ever seen, and I read youtube comments. It's lookin' good for ol' Silver there.
You two are the reason birth control was invented.
Firstly, tough love. I don't pull punches.
Secondly, a FIRST FIC is not an excuse, my first fic got the popular stories list.
Thirdly, I would, but the character is boring as hell.
Fourthly, if you can't tell the difference between literary and visual "Showing" then you definitely need to get your crap in order.
Fifthly, a dictionary, get one, or google what an ordinal number is. Actually, no. I don't trust you can even do that right.
I just did your homework for you, learn from it.
Yeah, you two should really never be involved in the genepool.
I honestly cannot believe the stuff you both have written. It occurs to me you are both in dire need of literary study. Especially if I need to link a dictionary definition of "Fourthly" and "Fifthly", and the AUTHOR agrees with the post writer. When you both know how to take critique, then come talk to me, because I'm not in the mood to lose more braincells speaking to you both.
first, what you call punches i call a tickles
second, how long has your fic been up? hmmm? at least a month longer than this one, and the fact that you are bragging proves how much of a douche you are, your doucheyness
third, you have no sense of what an interesting character is if pyroneus is boring...
fourth, well, you need to get your crap in order first, re-read what you wrote to someone else and make sure they understand what you mean
fifth, if i wanted a dictionary, i would get sweetie belle
sixth, we both have nothing on your genetic defects
and on the subject of the TWE, your fic would not survive AT ALL!! so pray you dont mention it again.
sorry it took so long to reply, i had to wash dishes, because i have, you know, A LIFE!!
your go, sexy
Hahah! If my "Punches" tickle, why are you so butthurt over my review of someone else' story? And I bring up the ratings of my stories, and how well received it's been because it shows I have experience. I know a first fic can be good, it's not an excuse, I've seen and done it myself.
No no, we should do this right.
Firstly, if my punches tickled, you wouldn't have whined to me about "Being mean"
Secondly, my fic has been up since august, if you're implying the length of time my fic has been up is the reason for it's votes, then you're obviously new here. There are fics that have been up for a literal year and longer and don't even have half the number of likes mine has. Here's a secret, it's called "Quality"! You wanna know how you get that? Research!
Thirdly, right, no clue of what an interesting character is. Better go tell that to my watchers.
Fourthly, why don't you point out my mistakes? Since I did your homework last time, this is a make up exam.
Fifthly, Thank you for admitting you've not opened a dictionary. Best to do so before you claim "That's not a word", just common sense.
Sixthly, wow...are we being nine now? You have to ride on my comebacks now? "You're stupid!" "I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I!?" I'm expecting more from even you.
I'm a member of the TWE, I've invited them to read my fics on multiple occasions, they've always loved them. Would you like to see some quotes?
Yes, you have a life. And you spend your time answering for an author who obviously can answer for himself. The author made a boring chapter, and a boring character. The like and dislike ratio does have a meaning, so long as you aren't writing into a biased subject matter. He wrote about an inter-dimensional being, that's interesting, the way he went about it...not so much. You haven't even said anything to negate the points I've made, you're just ranting because...actually you don't have a reason.
Enjoy your day. Unlike you two, my fans have been nagging me to continue my stories, and I don't have the heart to tell them I spent my time dealing with two authors who are trying to argue over nothing.
>>14092001409200 >>14090301409030 Both of you are the idiots here, whether its insulting someone by saying they have no life or the pointless insult that states you are the reason birth control was invented. You both disgust me with your insults, clean up your act and get back to doing something productive already.
True, I'm acting far worse than a gentleman ever should.
To both the author and silverlight, i apologize for my crudeness, do with that what you may.
As the god of knowledge I really don't like this story, but given my restraint I will not hate so do what you wish.
>>14094111409411 As a final statement, I would like to point out that in the time between when I first posted this story and now, both the intro and the prologue underwent several edits, because after reading a few sentences I noticed they simply did not have a good ring to them when read aloud. I will accept your apology, but I really do think you would have understood the story a bit better had you read the whole thing before making a decision. Perhaps with recent changes you will like it, I don't know. What I do know is this is all I have to say on the matter. Shall we move on gents?
So it takes a true gentleman to give a kind disliking review, and I am sorry for this. I just can't stand people who read just an introduction and jump to conclusions, not even giving the rest of the fic a chance. So I will back away and not comment against The ancient one/herpderpidy again. Once again, I appologize to you bookmaster.
*calmly sits back and starts eating popcorn as he waits for the translation of his first chapter to be finished *
This amuses me so. I have not read this fic, do not doubt that I have it on my "to read" list yet however.
I'm just watching this unfold into a heated debate of "Who's phallus is bigger!" One of my favorite shows indeed.
I give >>13810321381032 props for using two of his own accounts to prove his point, if I am reading this correctly.
I give >>14095251409525 props for blindly protecting his friend.
Those are all the props I give. the rest do not pertain to this conflict as far as I can tell, and therefore, neither of you win, and seeing as if you can't win, you almost always have already lost.
Pass me some popcorn, I'm just surprised that he actually got SERIOUS!!! I mean, its a comment war, you never get serious in this kind of stuff LOL!
*shows him the empty bucket* Sorry mate, all out.
and you got serious too.
When the war of the beasts bring the world's end
The goddess descends from the sky
Wings of light and dark spread afar
She guides us to bliss, her gift everlasting
Act I (Poem)
Infinite in mystery is the gift of the Goddess
We seek it thus, and take to the sky
Ripples form on the water's surface
The wandering soul knows no rest.
Act II (Poem)
There is no hate, only joy
For you are beloved by the goddess
Hero of the dawn, Healer of worlds
Dreams of the morrow hath the shattered soul
Pride is lost
Wings stripped away, the end is nigh
Act III (Poem)
My friend, do you fly away now?
To a world that abhors you and I?
All that awaits you is a somber morrow
No matter where the winds may blow
My friend, your desire
Is the bringer of life, the gift of the goddess
Even if the morrow is barren of promises
Nothing shall forestall my return
Act IV (Poem)
My friend, the fates are cruel
There are no dreams, no honor remains
The arrow has left, the bow of the goddess
My soul, corrupted by vengeance
Hath endured torment, to find the end of the journey
In my own salvation
And your eternal slumber
Legend shall speak
Of sacrifice at world's end
The wind sails over the water's surface
Quietly, but surely
Act V (Poem)
To become the dew that quenches the land
To spare the sands, the seas, the skies
I offer thee this silent sacrifice
honestly, you can ask pyroneus, he was on a skype call with me, i was anything but serious lol
That's actually worse than feeding a troll, conspiring with the author and making a joke out of instigating a comment war in the first place, just for kicks.
i was bored......sowwy