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BeauZoe 10149

Joined September 2012
22 followers

    BeauZoe's Stories (1)

    • Dewdrop's Small
      Dewdrop is unique amongst ponies because she could fit on a pony's hoof with room to spare. But why does she go to great lengths to keep herself hidden? Is it because she lives in the walls of the Golden Oaks Library? Or is it something more?

      2,760 words · 330 views · 47 likes · 0 dislikes

    Destiny has a mistake to fix. Playing with the Great Rope of Fate is something not done lightly, and his actions have caused his youngest sister to be banished to the moon. Prince Destiny WILL fix it though, even if it takes a thousand years. Join him as he attempts to solve the problem of Nightmare Moons return.

    _______

    My first story as a writer online. I will add characters as they appear. Also I write slowly and am currently doing my own proofreading as well. Comment about any mistakes and I'll get right on it as soon as I get off from work.

    First Published
    4th Oct 2012
    Last Modified
    28th Nov 2012

    Comments ( 8 )

    #1 · Chapter 1 · 36w, 6d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    Interesting. I'll read this sometime.

    #2 · Chapter 1 · 36w, 6d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    Interesting start, will stay with you to see what happens.

    #3 · Chapter 1 · 36w, 5d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    Is this is about tenacious d i will read it.

    #4 · Chapter 1 · 36w, 5d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    *Googles tenacious d*

    ...

    :fluttershbad::pinkiesick:

    ...

    No, No its not :facehoof:

    #5 · Chapter 1 · 30w, 1d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    -Fave- Looking forward to more! :pinkiehappy:

    #6 · Chapter 2 · 29w, 17h ago · · ·
    Reply 

    Woo new chapter! Keep em coming! :pinkiehappy::pinkiehappy:

    #7 · Chapter 2 · 26w, 2d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    Hmm... interesting.

    You picked a critical point in history to use as the stage for your story, and I'm curious to see where you'll take it: the princess is in a particularly vulnerable state--physically and emotionally--and the city's ruination suggests that her civilization will be restless and uncertain for the forseeable future. How difficult will it be for her to rebuild from scratch, without the help of her beloved sister? Did Luna perform duties for which Celestia is poorly suited? How will her absence change society? I'm glad you skipped straight to the aftermath and didn't waste time describing the final confrontation: fights and battles may be action packed, but they're a garnish that would have detracted from the first chapter's moody atmosphere. I'm also curious to find out whether this story will try to mesh with the official "history of the world," or if this is some sort of alternate reality or divergent timeline.

    Taking your synopsis strictly, this is a story about Prince Destiny's attempt to make amends for the consequences of his actions or inaction. It's an interesting premise, with interesting events and characters... but to be perfectly honest, the thing that caught my attention the most was Dream Catcher. This feels like a story about picking up the pieces, emotionally and sociopolitically, and the way Dream Catcher set about fixing things at the end of chapter two--quietly, and without any pomp or circumstance--makes him seem like a humble, weary every-man trying to get through the disaster one step at a time. I think low-powered characters are much more interesting protagonists than alicorns because they have to work harder and face greater threats to achieve their victories, and are far easier for readers to relate to and empathize with. And even if his unique talent turns out to be a very powerful blessing-slash-curse, he's still standing in the shadows of royalty.

    I get the sneaking suspicion that Dream Catcher might end up caught between a rock and a hard place: Celestia was forced to banish her own sister, and Prince Destiny clearly wants to set things right... but how far will Destiny go to "free" Luna? Will Celestia even allow such a superficially noble objective, if it would risk further harm to her citizens? The shadowy figure clearly wants to do Destiny grievous harm... and if I were in the villain's shoes, I'd start by discreetly driving a wedge between Destiny and Celestia. Dream Catcher seems like the ideal character to investigate what's really going on behind the scenes, and perhaps become the voice of reason that prevents the royal siblings from doing something they might regret. Even if you have no intention of making Dream Catcher the main protagonist, I hope you don't neglect his point of view completely.

    In any case, not a bad first story... not bad at all. There were plenty of technical errors I could nitpick about, but nothing a healthy dose of time and experience won't cure. Everybody has to start somewhere, and it's best to just dive right in. Best of luck!

    Edit: Daaang, that's a big heap of conspiracy theory I posted. You must be doing something right. :rainbowkiss:

    #8 · Chapter 1 · 25w, 1d ago · · ·
    Reply 

    So, this is awesome, so awesome, I may get awesome cancer due to over exposure.

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