Cranky Doodle Donkey just wanted to settle down and enjoy a nice, quiet retirement after a lifetime of crisscrossing equestria. He picked what he thought was a quiet little town; not too far from a big city that he could take advantage of it if he wished. Yet far enough away that he had clean air and the sounds of nature to lull him to sleep.
Yeah.
Cranky is far too stubborn to walk away from a decision, he is a Donkey after all. And his marefriend Matilda lives in Ponyville, so there is that. But the sheer pandemonium that afflicts Ponyville on a near daily basis has him wondering why he bothers to stick around. And when disaster does hit, do the ponies turn to the guard? To the elected officials? No, they turn to a group of young mares not even old enough to legaly drink, lead by the least mentally stable of the lot.
And now Cranky has to help the unhinged librarian solve the latest crisis afflicting ponyville. Or sleep on his own lumpy couch.
Grunt.
Okay, which pony tried the tainted octopus?
Oh and... BUTTERSCOTCH NOSEABRAISER!
I get that proofing is hard, but literally the first word of this is a typo...
The entire first part is a GIANT exposition dump. Spice it up a bit! Instead of telling us, show us!
Capitalize "crown," "apple family," "elements," and "harmony."
He's a donkey, not a pony.
The dialogue should end with a period, as you didn't use "he said" or some variant afterwards.
Remember how to form a possessive: Crankys should be Cranky's, Twilights should be Twilight's! That is, except in the case of "it," which is always its.
Don't use caps to show yelling. Italics work much better!
You have very awkward formatting in these parts. Check it out.
"Okay, Twilight has officially lost it," the dragon muttered with an apologetic glance at Cranky, before turning to the crowd.
Also, what crowd? Is he breaking the 4th wall?
Huh? Before, didn't he know what this meant? Also, the second sentence doesn't make sense. Should be: "Cranky really didn't see the problem; so what if everypony in town was saying clop, clop, clop, clop, clop?"
Your Zecora rhymes are kinda awkward. You might wanna try some other lines, and if that doesn't work, remove her. Also, don't separate her words with commas like you have. We can hear the rhythm on our own. Also, Twilight's quick-talking is getting irritating to read.
Oh, Christ. I feel really bad for laughing.
I guess Cranky knows again?
It's "donkeys," not "donkies."
Zecora is way too nervous for her character. I mean, pouting? Really?
Oh, buck, it's humanlover!Lyra. Ignore me, I'm just not a fan.
i1065.photobucket.com/albums/u400/DubsRewatcher/uwotm8.gif
Fapping shouldn't be capitalized.
I am so confused right now.
what the helllllll
EXPOSITION DUMP ABOUT CRANKY THE MAPMAKER
Don't capitalize zebra. It's a species name.
The clopping in rhyme thing was kinda funny.
Why are their ears big? Was it poison joak?
The ending was very, very funny. Kudos.
--
Hate to say it, but this story wasn't the best. I'm going to refrain from voting either up or down. There were quite a large amount of grammar issues, and the story was pretty confusing. There are a lot of questions I have now:
Why was the clopping thing happening?
What was in the potion?
Why didn't the virus affect Cranky?
Also, Lyra and Bon Bon were useless. They were just there to make a throwaway joke. END THEM.
-Dubs Rewatcher, off-the-clock TWE Grunt