I like what i see please write more because I NEED MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR MOAR I NEED MOAR OR ELSE

>>13645431364543

There will be more after i'll return :D

>>13645781364578 there should be

Hey there again, comrade! I'll give you a nice review on this in my usual fashion, just know that I'm kind of in the mood to poke a little fun at things, so not all of these are serious errors that I'm mentioning.

“Say, do you have children.”

Should end in a question mark.

I mean, whips and chains not for torment but for...

Oh ho ho, Stalin, you dog!

A competition with will results in deaths.

A competition which will result in deaths (?)

Though no so much into random chaos,

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be, but it doesn't make any  sense as is.

Spike sighed, lying on the couch with his arms crossed behind his head. A small smile crept onto his face, however sore his muscles may have been. His eyelids grew heavy. For a moment he tried to fight his eyelids’ efforts, only to give up as quick as he had started, his mind drifting off to all sorts of places.

        The library’s front door swung up with a loud crash. At the sound, Spike’s eyelids burst open, he let out a yelp, and he jerked his body, sending him falling to the floor with a light thump of purple scales hitting a wooden floor face-first. Growling at the noise, Spike rose his head, running a hand through his green frills as he glared at the offending door.

You refer to spike by name a little too often here, try using some more diverse pronouns.

those horror movies

They have movies in Equestria now?

nose-deep in that ‘biology’ textbook,

Oh these are too much Kind of out of character, if you ask me, but they're so damn amusing

her an Pinkie

her and Pinkie

Hmm, inability to take blame for your actions... Say, isn't that sign of a serious condition

Seriously? I don't really know of anyone without this condition, then. Is the condition called being human (er, pony)?

this isn’t far from the first time something bad has happened around here

I think you mean this is far from the first time, as in the first time something bad has happened was quite a while ago, and a lot more bad has happened since.

“Worst name for a hamlet ever,”

This (and a few other quips like this) don't really match the dialect that these characters are speaking in, it's too modern.

nopony realize that this guy looks kinda like Starswirl the Bearded?

Don't you mean that kooky grandpa from Ponyville retirement home?

It’s called a ‘cutie mark’? That’s stupid. I mean, wow.

Know that feel, bro.

“What?”  

“Is ‘what’ your favorite word?”

This reminds me of something...

This was quite good, in fact I'd say it's probably your best work so far. The pacing kept my interest (except the bit with the "crusader" characters, unfortunately), and most of the original characters are interesting as well. Starswirl's dialect was a little too modern for me; I know he's supposed to be trying to adjust to modern language, but the voice I gave him in my head doesn't fit the lines he's speaking at all (on the other hand, making him quite scatterbrained was an interesting and unexpected twist, I really enjoyed that).

I'll get to the next chapter later, but so far I'm enjoying it. One thing I'd be wary of is diminishing the value of the canon characters. I know it helps raise the stakes if the villains are "unlike anything Equestria's ever faced" but it also gets pretty pretentious, especially when they're apparently making the Princesses seem insignificant.

Other than that, though, keep up the good work!

>>13653381365338

For the record, they are speaking with that odd dialect on purpose. None of them would ever say "thou", because "thou" is first-person-singular informal. And St. Payens himself points out how odd the word "ain't" is, thus allowing him to use it. Also, note how Starswirl has a resonating Bass voice, which is the deepest voice a human (or pony) can possess. Apparently, I'm way to smart for most people, so much of my linguistic humor (aside from English, I speak Spanish and some German, and I m very well versed on dead languages). Also, Payens is French (from Southern France, actually), and Starswirl is some kind of German or Dutch. If you'd like, the original Gdoc is loaded with this discussion... Seriously, it was a really long and in-depth discussion.

>>13653381365338

Thanks! That was very helpful to us!

Bible Black - Heaven And Hell

This is becoming my go-to "Eldritch abomination in a book" song.

Starswirl is her Servant? Wait, what?

>>13687181368718

Look up Fate/Stay Night and Fate/Zero.

Twilight basically summoned Starswirl as her Servant.

Basically in the animes I've listed, there are Seven (Actually 9 Classes, Excluding Savior and Avenger for specific Purposes)

Berserker

Archer

Saber

Caster

Assassin

Rider

Lancer

Each equipped with specific abilities attributed towards their class and Starswirl happens to be teh Caster Variety.

>>13687621368762

I have played every TYPE-MOON game. The Nasuverse is possibly my favorite fictitious setting. I'm just saying it seems odd that she'd get Starswirl lol. Never would have crossed my mind although it makes some sense.

If I weren't familiar with that particular oeuvre I probably wouldn't have capitalized Servant, but that is a fairly subtle clue, lol.

>>13688451368845

My bad bro.

It's not too often I see another Type Moon fan on FimFiction.

Btw Gilgamesh is best Servant

Hmm, happens that I have watched fate/zero and fate/stay night recently. I'm going to give this fic a chance.

*throws the fic to the colossal pile of to read later list*

>>13688551368855>>13688451368845

I didnt know of existence of other type-moon fans either :D It's good to see that i am not alone

And what exactly is wrong with Starswirl being her servant?

>>13691441369144

Heh heh heh. I understand you so much :D

I love Fate Stay Night, and this looks very promising I will read later after I do some stuff!!!!

You are now #23 on my "Watch Later" list!

No really. It sound really interresting, so I'm gonna give it a read some time

Do I sense this story being featured?

>>13691451369145

Indeed. Now if only they could remake Stay/Night and give it an appropriate path to follow.

Hopefully Hollow/Axteria and I wish they'd do an Anime on the Holy Grail war that preceeded Fate/Zero and brought about the Creation of Avenger

Hmm i think this is the first 'Fate/' fanfic i have read. i have seen both animes and i gotta say, loved em both.

i will give this a read, i will post a different comment after i get done readin.

PS. Saber is best servant <3

I WANNA SEE WHAT RIDER DOES IN THIS!

>>13653381365338

In the beginning of the 2nd season episode Hurricane Fluttershy, Rainbow dash did show a educational film to the other pegasus of Ponyville about how Cloudsdale take towns reservoir water to make new clouds in Cloudsdale weather factories.

So if Equestria have educational films, why not cinema.

>>13691451369145

I am assuming they do not know about Fate/Stay Night.

If a female King Author can become a servant of a Japanese teen boy in the original series, then having Star Swirl being Twilight's servant looks pretty legit to me.

cant wait for more, i am in love with this.

OY! Something interesting for once! (This is going to be long isn't it? 'Cause I love long things.)

Of to the next chapter, since this is amazing!

As I said before, this is really interesting and I will stay here, because this is awesome, and that is all

(I have no critisism because I am bad at seeing those things...)

>>13693031369303

I Really hope so. I will send it to eqd, but i will return only after a week to see the results

>>13693771369377

I Really hope so. I am a HUGE fan of nasuverse in general and fate in particular. And what i REALLY want is anime adaptation of Heaven's feel route

>>13698941369894

Thanks :D

>>13694351369435

Not too much of a spoiler will be if i'll say that he is a general villian in 1st half of the story

>>13698771369877

Exactly! Their film even sounded, so why not?

>>13699831369983

Thanks :D

>>13703291370329

oh I dun care about that (I played the game and got all the endings-I've thoroughly had my fill of fate).

I'm just curious how a vehicular animal acts as a rider.

It's like a yo dawg and inception rolled into one just thinking bout it

>>13703471370347

Actually it is main villian of first generation of my little pony. From pilot

F/SN crossover? I'm game. BRB after reading.

>>13684841368484

Funny, When I was writing this with Stalin, I was listening entirely to German music (Rammstein, OOMPH!, Megaherz, and Eisbrecher).

>>13691441369144 >>13692271369227 >>13692731369273

And now we play the waiting game...

>>13699831369983 >>13698941369894

Dankeshön. We've been planning/writing these  two chapters for a solid month. Glad to see it paid off.

You want to see a comment when you return? You didn't specify what kind.

JELLYFISH JAM!

Image: http://gifs.gifbin.com/1237576060_funny_dance.gif

>>13704671370467

Bad Psychopath. Don't make me get the bottle of Windex I filled with water and pray it in thy face. Thou knowst very well what Stalin wanteth of thee, and thou shalt comply.

>>13653821365382

Yeah, I caught a lot of that, but having a medieval knight speak with an archaic dialect (even if it's actually being improperly used) and then saying things like "ain't" or "best/worst ___ ever" really feels unnatural, even if the character themselves make note of it. Parody isn't (always) an excuse for inconsistency.

As for Starswirl, I initially imagined him with the voice of Sir Ian McCullen (when he appeared for the first few seconds before changing scenes). However, with his sort of tangential way of speaking, switching between modern and archaic dialects, I couldn't help but imagine him with a more nasally, higher-pitched voice. While I suppose one's voice isn't determined by their personality per se, when writing a character it's best to match the two together to create believably, unless the character is some sort of comedy relief (which, for all of his absent-mindedness, Starstwirl/caster does not seem to be).

>>13698771369877

... Oh yeah.

well reading half of this...its almost 10pm i didnt read it all at the moment... but it sounds fairly interesting so i'll be sure to keep reading this amazing fimfiction.

>>13709221370922 Nay I say! Speaking in the way of Luna shan't derive me from the Illogic.

For a minuet I thought you were taking the Fizban approach to Starswirl the Bearded.

Fizban is the forgetful/senile old wizard from Dragon Lance/ D&D, and is a mentor to another Dragon Lance character Raistlin.

Image: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/e7/Fizban.jpg

Here is a common occurrence for poor Fizban, ether setting his hat or sometimes his pet cat on fire with a miscasted fireball spell.

Fizban is hundreds of years old, and most of his spells kinda... got mixed together in his head and has a odd habit of casting Fire ball at the wrong times, then when he actually needs the spell there is a chance he forgot it. Fizban fireball more than Lina Inverse does in Slayers. Fizban is also one of the rare D&D characters that can cast cleric spells without having the cleric class.

note Fizban is really the good god Paladine in Dragon Lance

>>13714341371434

While you raise a good point, a lot of this humor is -- and I mean absolutely no offense -- something someone wouldn't get without a linguistics degrees, or (as is my case) has an obsession with knowing languages. Use use of “y'all”, for example, was due to Starswirl overcompensating for the perceived need to distinguish between second-person singular (thou) and second-person plural (you), but he got it wrong because of this overcompensation. Likewise, St. Payens isn't exactly a medieval knight; the perceived need for him to speak without contractions is not only silly but downright wrong, since he's from Southern France he is used to lots of contractions in his speech and so brings this into Modern Equestrian. However, since the *insert name of powerful object* grants all Servants that ability to speak the modern local language(s), it is likewise not entirely unreasonable or silly for them to use “ain't”. If you look at the next chapter, you can see with with Archer, who speaks almost entirely with the word “ain't”, despite occasionally slipping into Old English Equestrian. Really, this isn't so much humor as it is me showing my work with my mastery of language... God, that sounds so arrogant of me. But if you'd like, I'll PM the link to the Gdoc were we three (Stalin, CW, and I) had a long discussion on this; you'll see that I am, unfortunately, far too smart for my own good (this is what Stalin and CW said, not me).

Oh, and as for movies, if you were to read the next chapter, you would see that one of the Masters is an Applewood movie actor named “Alastair”.

>>13723031372303

And thank thou kindly, compatriot.

>>13731211373121

*Fluttershy Stare*

>>13731491373149

Starswirl can be a bit... scatterbrained at times and he can be just as forgetful, but Starswirl is at least mostly competent when he absolutely needs to be... Usually, anyhow.

>>13734661373466

Well Stalin's fic here is a MLP , Fate Stay/ Night Crossover.

Fate Stay/Night is a RPG video game series as well as a Anime series; so if you are going to use a RPG series you may as well use RPG elements.

And at parts the Fate Stay/Night Anime uses RPG terms/concepts to describe the characters and events.

>>13735081373508

No offence, man, but yeah... that does sound kind of arrogant.

But my point remains. While I suppose I didn't understand some of the subtleties (namely regarding the geographical origin of some characters), parody is still not an excuse for inconsistencies. Furthermore, if you can't get the humor without a linguistics degree, you may want to re-think your approach, because I can assure you that the majority of the audience doesn't fall under that category. Not that you need to pander to your audience's sensibilities, but if what is some sort of linguistic humor for you comes off as a break in character to the reader, you may be better to go without (even if it means maintaining a fake dialect for some characters and in turn grating on your own nerves as a co-writer ).

>>13736191373619

Believe me, this came from the aftermath of a huge discussion on this. I consistently makes jokes that are so high-brow that nobody without certain degrees would understand. I do a lot of little things that nobody would pick up on without certain degrees, actually, and Stalin and CW (that is, the Conflicted Writer) hate it when I overdo it -- like how the next chapter involves me conjugating Old English in the Instrumental Case, to which I remarked about in-document about how hard it was. Or how I mentioned Helets (Spartan slave caste) in order to show off how awesome Archer -- whose name is actually a mix between Old English, Old French, Latin, and Taino Native America -- was in life. This is actually the compromised version, since CW thought a lot my linguistical things wouldn't make sense to most human beings -- it was my compromise to not including to many über-high-brow jokes. I did what I could to explain it in-universe, which was my attempt to make it seem logical. I mean, I'm the guy who taught himself German in 4 months and only did it because of the ponyfic he was writing had the German narrator (the guy who is my profile pic is the German narrator).

>>13736581373658

Oh, believe me, I could actually tell all of this (by all of this I mean that you needed to turn down the linguistic humor) when I was reading, but it's not the complexity of the humor itself, but how it's kind of half-assed  at this point. For example:

“Ain’t no excuse not to attempt to obviate our situation... And the word ‘ain’t’ sure is quite a useful bit of modern slang, don’t you think?”

By pointing out that the word "ain't" isn't a usual aspect of his dialect through the character himself, you haven't excused the inconsistency, you've actually made it worse. Essentially, you've turned something so subtle that it would just go unnoticed by most readers into obnoxious meta-humor. To me, the only ways to fix this are to go fully one way or the other; either write the story as though these characters are aware of how ridiculous the nature of their speech is (or whatever it was you were originally going about doing), or just get rid of the language humor entirely too keep from destroying the reader's suspension of disbelief. Even if the reader is a language major of some sort, their suspension of disbelief will be much more strongly upheld if the world and characters follow consistent rules rather than borrowing from certain rules only at specific times (and then making vocal observation of it on top of that).

Basically, my point is; it doesn't matter what the process was for the story to be this way, what your intentions were as a co-writer when writing it, or what you do or don't expect the reader to get in the story. As someone who wasn't involved in the writing process, and was not initially aware of it's details, I can be considered to have fresh eyes on the story, and, regardless of what your original intentions were, it's always worthwhile to listen to a fresh perspective. Because while you may have your reasons for something to be this way or that, the only thing the reader has access to, and the only thing that really matters in the end, is the final product, and the readers will base their observations on that and that alone.

Though, despite all this debate, it's really a minor issue. It seemed a little weird to me, but I tend to pick up on character inconsistencies pretty harshly, and I didn't really like the characters in question to begin with.

>>13735081373508

Image: http://cdn.thesandtrap.com/7/71/71e333f7_I-challenge-you-to-a-duel.jpeg

>>13746851374685

I accept. And mind, I actually own a sword (as any respectable Southern gentleman ought). But, por favor, would ya mind giving Stalin and I your thoughts/a review upon this little story o' ours?

>>13751351375135 Only if you can beat this champion of Khorne.

Image: http://students.cis.uab.edu/dash/Chaos%20Khorne%20Lord.jpg

>>13751551375155

Dude. Khorne used to be my story's editor. I'm not kidding. But Khorne failed me and now I work with Slaanesh.

>>13751661375166 Ewww. You mean that thing?

>>13739621373962 Nope.

Spike´s way too snarky to be Spike. Like 120% snarky.

Awww, poor Twi is broken with her cutie Mark stolen, her Idol standing before her but talking about war, servants, master and chicken soup. XDDD

Though i really expected her at one to yell SHUT UP! SIT DOWN! ANSWER MINE QUESTIONS FIRST AND NOTHING ELSE!. I mean, a pony can take only so much into her before going crazy and Starsw-i mean, Caster sure isn´t an easy one to handle.

Hm, no Twi and Caster this chapter. Hopefully next chapter.

Why do i have the feeling though that Archer will try to hit on Twilight? Wait, this could be taken in a double meaning...

But damn, most of those heroic spirits are damn evil. The rider´s even his own master/made his master basically his slave. XD

And Archer´s such a free spirit Trixie has no control over him or better she only has two seals left to control him.

I hope everything will be explained to Twilight next chapter and that she takes the news well. Aka send a letter to Princess Celestia ASAP cause she´s about to panic cause she´s supposed to fight six other masters with their servants and she had no idea she came into this shit and her servant is a scatterbrain and she lost her cutiemark for three damned commando seals!!! Also Spike will have a month vacation as it seem.

>>13785001378500

This just means that Stalin and I have created in making this story accessible to anyone! Victory!

>>13796971379697

Spike's snark is justified and constantly pointed out. I think he kind of has a right to do this now.

Caster's gonna be quite a hoofful for our intrepid Twilight.

Yeah, Trixie and Archer; that's what happens with Archer's Independent Action. Let's home Archer doesn't do too much of anything to our dear Twilight, but even I am less-than sure.

Rest assured that something's gonna happen next chapter, count on it.

>>13944841394484

You can thank the lack of a [Dark] tag on Stalin. He hates grimdark ponyfics and the [Dark] tag in general. On the other note, most Servants are, by their very nature, from the past – the only ponies that could really be present-day Servants. So unless you wanted us to, say, kill off Fluttershy and turn her into Flutterkhin (which nopony wants), we're sticking to the past.

>>13947871394787

. . . did you play the game fate/stay night? There was a Servant from the future/present there. And to quote from the Servant List in this fic

Servants are legends from the past, present, or future

>>14007001400700

My favorite was Unlimited Blade Works. Just because of the entire dynamic between Archer and the protagonist.

I never watched Fate/zero.

>>14010731401073

Actually only Archer was summoned from future, and ONLY because Tohsaka had catalyst from future. It's possible to summon servant from the future, but INSANELY HARD to get catalyst from the future

>>14010731401073

And hence my use of the word "most".

A chalice of blood? The god of blood, Blumarak, appreciates this quite alot. He demands that much blood be spilt for him.

Now for the spelling.

“This is going to a war between seven persons-"

While some people use this ancient word, "people" is the preferred plural form of "person".

"prerogative"

  'perogative'

"And... where was going with this"

  'was I'

"starting tomorrow off from work"

  'starting tomorrow, off from work."  I also don't get why you used lines to separate everything in this sentence(I forgot their real name)

"What he cared about the the third body in the room"

  'was the'

“Need you keep is so cold in here, Master?"

'it here'

"I mean, I wasn’t look but"  'looking'

"that’s what the thing tells me the would ought be – doesn’t mean that you’re any less wholesome a pony.”

  'would ought be'  That not engrish seeming much.

“Neat that she her own personal dragon slave,"

  'has her' and a period instead of a comma.

he proceed to bend forwards

proceeded

was channeling and pulsating and vibrating and quivering with

unless you were trying to force a feel 'channeling, pulsating, and vibrating'

And that exact moment, his felt another presence

'he felt'

readying to spring into action at a moment’s notice. But

It's usually frowned upon when a sentence starts with 'but' when there are alternatives, such as placing a comma between 'notice' and 'but'

With the roar of thunder

not sure if it should be 'a roar' or leave it as is.

, about the precise size of a arrow

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF-VOWELS! 'an arrow'.

energy physical burned his very soul.

'physically'

Tuluki sensed and absurd

an absurd

began to lite up

light up

We’re supposed to trying to win this

'to be'

you don’t know what it means to be a Master is

I see what you tried to do, but no need for that last 'is'

all this makeup and crude off

'crud'

Tis all I found.

Don't kill him Twilight! He will actually answer a question ... eventually ...

And then Archer starts saying "Bow chicka wow wow!"

Review for: Stallin the Stallion

Title: Fate/Another

Special thanks go to PaleRider for taking the time to review this with me, with his knowledge of 'Fate', and also to Spytim, for being awesome, directing me here. Here's hoping you're happy...

(Grumble)

Okay let me just begin with a foreword for this review:

1. I've never written a review in my life.

2. I'm more of an editor, than a writer, so my scrutiny of punctuation and grammar is much higher than it really should be. Try not to be offended if you feel I'm going over the top.

3. I have never ever even heard of 'Fate', therefore all my opinions of it (unless I otherwise say so) are completely unbiased and uninformed.

4. A friend who did know of the 'Fate' series offered to help me out, and chip in his two cents, meaning I have a second biased, and informed opinion.

5. Forgive me if I give an uninformed opinion based on false facts.

6. When I give positive feedback, I still sound like I'm giving negative feedback. So yeah, watch out for the that one...

7. Oh, and this genre of fiction usually isn't to my tastes. So maybe my opinion is just a littlebiased...

8. I don't give formal feedback. Expect mindless banter, senseless nonsense, meaningless swears, and, for some reason, an unusually high quantity of images...

The layout of the review will be as follows.

General: This covers the very general, vague and boring stuff. And ratings out of 10... I thought you might like something general, for you to get a gist of my opinion. (Note I rate between 1-10, not 5-10, I know some people refuse to rate lower than a 5 when using this scale, it's completely bizarre).

Plot: This covers anything plot related (no pun intended), which includes:

-Your crossover,

-How effective your introduction is,

-The descriptions of your scenes,

-The consistency of scenes,

-How well someone who doesn't know the 'Fate' (Me) can grasp the plot.

-How well someone who does know 'Fate' (my friend) can grasp the plot.

Character Development: This covers anything to do with your characters, their features and personalities. This includes:

-Main Characters: how well you've adopted their personality, or how well you've built upon it.

-Original Characters: how well you've made a character, whether or not they're flawless, etc. etc. etc. We all know this stuff.

-How the characters interact with one another.

Sentence Structure: This will just be me saying “This sentence doesn't make sense to me.” Yada yada yada.

Punctuation and Grammar: I placed this at the bottom, because it's bound to be the biggest one. There's too much punctuation in the world for anything to be flawless. Curse this language.

Alrighty then. Let us begin

Image:  http://media.pinkiedb.com/photos/Celestia/Celestia/It%20Begins.jpg

General: Okay. I started reading. The entire fanfic is impeccably written, and very enjoyable to read. Your paragraph spacing was pleasing to the eye, and your inclusion of pictures? Man I love fictions that do that! They really help you get into it. A shame you didn't include any music (possible idea for future chapters?)

However, your writing style isn't really a ground-breaker. You had a very limited use of descriptions, opting, instead, for large amounts of dialogue, to substitute. While dialogue is great – it's fast paced, witty and keeps the viewer interested – too much of it feels repetitive and can bore a reader away. I did actually stop reading a few times to look at something more interesting – big mistake. You have a lot, and I really mean a lot, going on in the way of plot. It's damn confusing, and I can't keep up with it. Luckily, Starswirl pretty much sums it up (yay) so I just managed to stay on track.

Delving any more specific, and I think I'd desecrate the idea of a 'General' review.

Yay point system!

Plot: 5/10 - It was good, but didn't make a lot of sense to me.

Character Development: 8/10 - Your character's are original, and not rediculously. I find some funny, and others mysterious.

Sentence Structure: 8/10 - Barely any errors at all. I was rather impressed.

Grammar and Punctuation: 7/10 - Again, only a few errors with commas, or just minor slipups, no biggie.

That's an average of 6.75/10

Not too shabby! in the top third

Yay point system!

Now for the details...

Image:  http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/186/553/1266784038597.jpg

Plot: Okay. There is a LOT of plot. Some's from mlp. A hell of a lot more is from Fate. It is damn hard to keep up with. But I got the gist of Servant and Master business, and I like the idea of seven awesomely powerful beings, pitted against each other for one item – that's always fun.

Also, Celestia, at the beginning was warned not to interfere, I think I'll count down the seconds until she does!

Also, what's a command seal? You made a very brief mention of it, and I just reread it a few times, scratched my head, and crossed my fingers you'd explain it before I forgot about it. Nope, you forgot.

But overall, you just included so little detail on the 'Fate' world itself, I couldn't help but feel just a tad lost. It pains me to tell you to include more detail, when your chapters are already very healthy and long! But I must!

Take, for example, the scene with your religious fantatics. Yep, I don't have any idea what went off there. It was a scary scene. It almost scared me off the second chapter!

In addition, you need more scenes in each chapter. Even if you just slice them up a little. You have committed the unforgivable crime of not revisiting a scene each chapter! You simply must avoid that! When I started the second chapter, I was really hoping to see what Twilight was going to do next, maybe extract any more useful information from starswirl the bearded. Maybe even see what else Celestia had to say about Hestrir and how she knows him. And why he's such a lewd minx! Cheeky devil!

But nay, you did not revisit, and my hopes and dreams, of such, were obliterated upon the conclusion of the second chapter.

Devastated.

'Tis the only word to describe the emotional turmoil that swept into a fit of weeping, while crying “He led me on! He led me on! How could he betray me so?”

-Ahem-

Forgive me for falling into informalities. But I'm sure I delivered my point.

Now for a little... assistance

Stallin has brought the events of Fate to the pony world, in a fusion crossover.

The canon about Fate is in shape. The classes of the servants are maintained, the rules for the Holy War, the objective, everything is there. In other words, he have the right stage set up.

My only problem is that he explained just too little for his audience who does not know about Fate beforehand. This can cause some readers to get bored, and simply don't read his story, because of the lack of information.

Sorry if I embarrass him with a little quote... mwa ha ha haaa!

On a side note:

“Good. I’ve a lot to teach you about these upcoming days, and forgetting my name was lesson one. Mention it but once and I die – I die, you die. Simple as that.”

I didn't get that, at all. I was unsure whether it was a reference to 'Fate', because it sounded pretty serious (Twilight's life in danger, and all...)

Ah, and again:

you are but one Master in a sea of seven – or at least there will be when all Servants are with their respective Master. Each servants goes like this: Caster, Saber, something-or-other-with-an-L, Berserker, Assassin, and that-last-one-whose-name-eludes-me.”

I counted six, was confused for ages, until my friend told me that there was always “one unknown”. You should probably explain that.

Onwards, my brothers!

Character Development: Ahhh, the story of such a wide variety of characters means I have a lot to right. The formidable task ahead of me... But I must!

Okay, first off, let's start with your Main Characters. Both Celestia and Luna felt like they were in character perfectly. They interacted in a perfectly normal way. I was rather chuffed with this scene. It was clearly well-thought-through, and was planned before hand. (or hoof.. if that's the way you roll...) But their dialogue lacked much... umph. I suppose maybe including more humor wouldn't be suitable for this kind of fanfic. But it just felt like it needed something else to either hurry the conversation or, or spark something interesting. As I've said previously, continuous dialogue can bore readers rather easily unless something interesting happens.

The next scene was between Twilight and Spike. Once again I felt you really nailed what made them who they are. Twilight, the bookwork, came in nose deep in a book. And Spike was dozing. Twilight's obliviousness. It was all just so perfect. And then they went up stairs and suddenly Spike's grumbling turned into sarcastic snarky comments. Don't get me wrong – they were funny – but definitely not in character for our little Spikey Wikey! His rationality was dead on, again. And it was amusing to see him know that only bad things could come from Twilight discovering a new book. But the sarcasm just killed him for me.

Finally, I suppose Trixie would count as a background character, but personally, I think her personality is fairly easy to nail. You did a fine job. Have a golden star.

Image: http://www.captainbluehen.com/wp-content/goldstar.jpg

Now for your background characters... Well first of – Grogar, from tambelon and Tirek!? My God, this guy is genius! I love your incorporation! I think it's brilliant! Sadly I have never seen the old My Little Pony Generations :( So I can't vouch on whether you're actually basing their personalities of that or not. So I shall do what a very bad critic does.

And call them OCs.

And Jesus Holy Moly Christ! These are God Ocs!!!

Meh I think I'll let you off – after we have yet to see their true potential. Plus they have notable flaws in their personalities (the servants, I am, of course, referring to) I really don't want to comment too hard on them, since really my opinion on them is valued very at very little. They do have their faculties and flaws, so I'm happy to give a thumbs up or whatever for that.

Image:  http://www.madtomatoe.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/03/Facebook-Like-Button-big.jpg

The character I did want to have a little murmur about, was Commander Hurricane. I assume you speaketh of the Commander Hurricane – that of the great pegasus commander, famous for his/her role in the events of Hearth's Warming Eve... I say his/her, because to be honest the gender is unknown. I always assumed female. You assumed male... It seems we are at odds...

Image: https://proprintwear.com/images/En%20Garde%20Patch.jpg

I'm sorry, I'm getting too image happy...

Tuluki (dayum how I love that name!) seemed like a very intriguing character. He's mysterious, and his power is unknown. He's the master of the berserker – a title that holds weight, in my opinion. That is, until he /activates God Mode() and not even the Womanising Hurricane can scratch him. It did feel a little... How the b*ck is a zebra capable of dis sh*t!? Despite a little issue I had with him over his questionable capabilities, otherwise I was fine with him. He seemed like a pretty awesom guy. I can't wait to see more ^_^

The only other thing I want to talk about, is this religious fanatic group. By the nine, do they annoy the tartarus (<--- see what I did dere?) out of me! All the references to religion kind of made me feel belittled. Maybe it's part of 'Fate'? I don't know. It's weird to see it in Pony Fanfiction that's for sure.

Moar Opinion

It's hard to tell if he is doing a good job with characterization, 'cause there MANY original characters.

The canon ones are in good form I believe. Although, I don't think that Spike is SO acid as he is in this. I am a big fan of sarcasm and all, but he would really be like that with Twilight? I think that we will need more time to see if the author is going to include more canon cast, and see how he is going to adapt them into the plot.

On a final note, I just wanted to add: I love all your references to the language. At first it was funny and interesting. At first, anyway. But then, I got the feeling that every character ever was mentioning it, laughing at it. And I was just thinking “These are different characters, right?

I think you need to tone that down a little, or at least have them not put up such a HUGE fuss over it!

Sentence Structure: Now for the fun part where I stop speaking and start correcting silly nonsense you'll hate me for. Yes, I am that guy.

As always, anything I quote that's in speech marks is acceptable to have offset grammar or sentence structuring. If insert it, it's because I really think it's wrong.

With a pleased sigh, she settled back into her comfy chair. A content smile on her face, she levitated a cup of earl grey tea with her solar magic, pausing it before her mouth as she allowed the intoxicating aroma to permeate her scenes.

Second sentence needs “With” at the start to make sense.

Pursing her lips into a frown, Luna frowned at her sister.

Double Frown. That's one badass frown.

His eyes were locked to the square-cross-like pupil before him.

whut? What does 'square-cross-like' mean?

“You!” Celestia hissed, jumping out of her seat and raising herself to her full height, flaring out her white wings.

Double tense change. Should either be:

jumped out of her seat and raised herself to her full height, flaring out her white wings.

or

jumping out of her seat and raising herself to her full height, she flared out her white wings.

What enraptured Spike’s attention was not just the eager grin on her face, like a filly with a crush. It wasn’t the thick, brown-covered book she held, carrying it like some prized first-place trophy won from a very hard game that caught his attention. What he couldn’t help but be dumbfounded by was the fact that she was humming, honest to Celestia humming.

Try saying that out loud. Yep, that's what I'm talking about. Also repetition of “catching his attention” made it jarring to read. Try:

What enraptured Spike’s attention wasn't just the eager grin on her face, like a filly with a crush, or the thick, brown-covered book she held, carrying it like some prized first-place trophy, it was the fact that she was humming - honest to Celestia – humming!

Starswirl sighed, his shoulder slumping. “Dammit, I hate to see a pretty face cry.” He licked his lips.

“Look, there’s no sense to crying over this.”

“It was my cutie mark!” Twilight snapped, a tear drop splashing to the ground.

Speech spacing makes it unclear who's speaking. Include it on the same line.

Starswirl sighed, his shoulder slumping. “Dammit, I hate to see a pretty face cry.” He licked his lips. “Look, there’s no sense to crying over this.”

“It was my cutie mark!” Twilight snapped, a tear drop splashing to the ground.

He felt the hot wind ruffling his short mane, heard the hotness brushing against his necklace of golden fetishes .

He heard*... wait he heard hotness? How does he DO that?

From where he stood, he could gauge via energy running through this other body that it was likely tall and well-built, the body’s muscular electricity placing the other’s bulk at thrice that of his own. Tuluki could feel the amount of air being moved with each of the other’s breath, so he surmised that the other presence possessed large, powerful lungs to complement his body.

Your use of the word 'other' had me confused for quite sometime. I thought their were three entities there, that day. Also this is phrased badly. Try:

From where he stood, he could gauge, via energy running through this other body, that it was likely tall and well-built, the body’s muscular electricity placing the bulk at thrice that of his own. Tuluki could feel the amount of air being moved with each breath, so he surmised that the presence possessed large, powerful lungs to complement its body.

Tuluki did nothing for nary a minute, just waiting, his muscles all tightening, readying to spring into action at a moment’s notice.

This sentence is fragmented with too many commas. Stick a full stop in there. Or period. Whatever

Tuluki did nothing for nary a minute, except wait. His muscles tightened, ready to spring into action at a moment’s notice.

The body jumped ahead, then moved an inordinate distance forwards, landing on a building but a story up from Tuluki, who guessed that newcomer was logically a pegasus.

Again, would sound better with less commas. Also don't say 'but a story up' the word simply isn't needed.

The body jumped ahead, and then moved an inordinate distance forwards. It landed on a building a story up from Tuluki, who'd guessed that the newcomer was, logically, a pegasus.

And that is the ones that hit me on a single pass. I hope these helped. Simple advice I can give, is just read the story aloud. Sentence Structure just comes naturally, after that.

Grammar and Punctuation: Now for the best part – the part where I take the piss out of you slipups with grammar!

Let me just start my -ahem- 'criticism' by saying: your usage of the comma is very sporadic. Again, I recommend reading sentences aloud. If you pause, ever so slightly, between two words, it's likely a comma's going to go there.

Also, typically a comma goes before 'and' in a list. I think I sampled a couple below.

Let's Spin this Sh*t!

(using caps because I got lazy)

With a motion, the cup dropped of her hooves.

Dropped FROM

She looked out the nearby window.

she looked out OF

when the sun had not yet quite set and the moon had not quite risen.

Yep, here we go. Comma before and.

“I told you, I will not speak to you in Old Equestrian.”

(colon) I told you: I will not speak

He chuckled in a friendly tone, uttering baffling the guard.

UTTERLY baffling.

“I had no idea the word ‘fun’ covered such a wide range of feeling and opinions.”

FEELINGS (Although this is speech)

he chuckled, running a hoof over his the helm which

skip out 'the'

“It is powered y the very blood of”

BY the very blood

A small smile crept onto his face, however sore his muscles may have been.

Kinda awkwardly phrased. Try:

A small smile crept onto his face, despite how sore his muscles were.

He let out a yelp and jerked his body, sending him falling to the floor with a light thumping sound of his purple scales hitting a wooden floor face-first.

repeating floor twice. Try:

He let out a yelp, and jerked his body, sending him falling to the floor with the light thumping sound of scales on wood.

his mouth utterly unwilling to accept and input other than to drop his jaw.

ANY input other than A JAW DROP.

yet something about even that gave him a bad feeling in his gut.

Comma needed.

yet something about even that, gave him a bad feeling in his gut.

her eyes proceeding to dart to Spike.

Might sound better if you say... maybe...

her eyes proceeding to dart over Spike.

fighting to urge to grumble to himself.

Fighting THE urge

he found Twilight laying on the bed

should be the present participle. LYING on the bed.

“I still remember when if a unicorn tried any magic beyond levitation, they were burned.”

commas.

“I still remember when, if a unicorn tried any magic beyond levitation, they were burned.”

In accordance, Spike waited until her pants died down before speaking again.

weird tense again. It's PANTING.

He bowed down to Twilight. “As your service, my Master.”

AT your service.

Standing back up, he kept a hoof to his forehead. After taking a deep breath, he slowly slid a hoof down his face.

Setting the first forehoof back to the ground,

Hoofs galore. Try:

Standing back up, placed a hoof on his temple. After taking a deep breath, he slowly slid it down his face. Setting it back to the ground,

Then the air whipped by with a sudden chill, and he felt the electromagnetic field of the whole desert going crazy.

missed out 'was'.

Then the air was whipped by with a sudden chill, and he felt the electromagnetic field of the whole desert going crazy.

A little smirk formed at his lips as he felt thick pillars penetrate up and through the sand, scattering the desert sand to the four corners.

Badly worded.

A little smirk formed at his lips, as he felt thick pillars penetrate up, and through, the sand. It scattered to make way for the ascending obelisks.

Also I'm confused... wasn't he in a city... or something?

Yet this time he felt outwards, focusing on his surrounding and not just one thing.

surroundings is plural.

And that exact moment, he felt another presence,

should be:

[And] at that exact moment, he felt another presence,

“It’s time to kick ass and spank other more shapely and feminine asses – and I’m all out dames!”

Commas. Also Lol for real, bro?

“It’s time to kick ass, and spank other, more shapely, and feminine, asses – and I’m all out dames!”

Clad in her starry cloak, the mare slowly stood up; her eyes trained the shattered throne of obsidian.

should be:

Clad in her starry cloak, the mare stood up slowly; her eyes were trained on the shattered, obsidian throne.

A great red hand reached out of the vortex and grabbed.

Grabbed what?

A great red hand reached out of the vortex and grabbed the edge of the rip in reality.

“You know, you picked a swell place to live – secluded; outside the city; no neighbors to hear you scream,

Hear you scream, you mean hear his victims scream, right? He shouldn't be doing any screaming... right? :twilightloopy:

And that's all from me. Hope you enjoyed that little piece of... whatever it was. You know I haven't slept in 24 hours so maybe it sounded a tad like giberish. But it was certainly fun to write.

I liked it. :ranbowkiss:

>>15213341521334

Whoa, THATS what i call a real review! No offense other guys :D It's VERY helpful, thanks! Some of problems:

I wanted to include more scenes, but Crushric insisted on minimalizing POV swaps. That is a reason why we havent introduced last pair yet.

We used to have a full chapter fitted only with glossary/servant list. BUt it get deleted after EqD prereader said that he'll never accept story with that kind of chapters. You can still see it there

We currently thinking on it's fate, cuz many people recommended us to show it to reader as soon as possible

>>15213341521334

I was kinda shocked by the gargantuan size of this...

But like the author himself said, this is what I call a review.

>>15216361521636

And to the author, good work mate! Anime crossovers are the best! Keep it up, I am looking forward your next chapter.

>>15274281527428>>15216361521636

Haha, the size is mostly just those images... Wow I learned how to put images in a comment and now I can't stop

>>15274281527428  >>15274431527443

Thanks! Nasuverse is my most favorite franchise ever, so i couldnt not do a crossover. Only left is to pray that eqd prereader wont be a dummy AGAIN. First time we submitted a story (Dirge of harmony) it was returned to us with words like "This is shit, not improved at all". We wrote them and they agreed that it was written by troll. Still we failed next strike though cuz it still had some problems, but they renewed strikes after that incindent.

Second time we submitted Crushric's most fav of our stories, Shatered Reflections. Pre-reader's comment was OBVIOUSELY saying that he read only half of first chapter, made a comment like "I dont like stories about ocs"(when only oc - villian was shown for one paragraph), and after our WTF message they said something like "Your fault for not making everything obvious in half of first chapter". So, yeah. i HATE eqd..

>>15275261527526

I don't visit EqD much. Everyone from the community say that they are elitists.

Here over at my country we have few sites about MLP and they are all like EqD, I tried to submitt a history to them and was turned down at the spot, 'cause them don't accept even innocent ship.

>>15275311527531

Not accepting ship? I understand not accepting clop, but ship?

>>15280251528025

The brazilian bronies are even more elitists than the guys at EqD. Kinda sad, seeing how much small is the community here, and how doing these things just help that more and more folks simple give up on the show thanks to a not so welcoming fandom. .

hmm... well I like the concept the execution is somewhat lacking... Not so much the events but the dialog. It's like your trying WAY to hard to be 'witty' so you have one character in every scene being overly snarky with nearly every line of dialog. It's very distracting and made for a less enjoyable reading experience. The six legged OC from the first scene seems really out of place and since he's so 'snappy' with his insults mixed with some clumsy exposition it started off really awkwardly... Spike was another case that in that nearly every line he's snarking at twilight which he does do in the show but taken WAY too far making it not feel like spike at all... over all the dialog really hampers the fic to the point I'm not interested in reading any further despite the premise.... Just felt I should explain the thumbs down since most people don't.

No Holy Grail War is complete without analogues of Trollomine and Gilgamesh.

Because seriously, Gil binding the sisters with Enkidu and tethering them to a chariot is a frigging hilarious image.

This is more promising than I anticipated. I've read 3 (memorable) other Nasuverse-based crossover fics here on FIMfic, each at a level on the general quality scale. I'll keep an eye on this one, but you've got some pretty stiff peers buddy... good luck.