Twilight is settling down to read a book when Celestia decides to drop in. Apparently, the princess needs somepony to talk to. So why not her faithful student?
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- Member Since 28th Sep, 2012
- offline last seen Jul 24th, 2020
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Writer of fanfic occasionally. Very little freetime. You might see me hanging around /mlp/.
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Joined 28th Sep, 2012 ·
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First story on this account. Written entirely to warm up my pony-writing muscles.
It's probably terrible, but it is a warm-up. So, go ahead. Critique it!
Try to avoid using words like "dunno." Things like that make it look like you got lazy when writing this. In some ways Celestia's dialogue felt choppy, as if the fluency could be improved. It was a good first attempt.
Interesting...
This is probably supposed to be "It just, gets to me[...]
Honestly, that's about it. I personally found the use of "dunno" and "y'know" fit the bill for the mood you were setting. It struck me that Celestia was supposed to be acting very un-princesslike, and the slipping of her normal proper etiquette into more informal colloquialisms hammered that impression home.
I do feel that Twilight's musings at the end are a little too spot-on. For me, many romances involve the parties in question jumping to that conclusion too easily. Were I in Twi's position, I would probably be more under the assumption that Tia is lonely, feeling isolated from her subjects and her sister, and is looking for somepony who will treat her like a normal pony. Like she needs a friend.
Whether or not I misinterpreted those thoughts of hers, and what I suggested is, in fact, what you were aiming for, the point remains that the impression I got is that Twilight is considering the possibility that the Princess is looking to see her in a romantic light, which, even as a possibility, seems like a bit of a stretch.
Other than that, I enjoyed this! Like I said, I liked the way you represented a haggard and weary Celestia, and the comment about her impending, albeit far-off by pony standards, death, opens many possibilities for future conversations and hijinks. I'll definitely be looking for more.
Edit* Wait a minute. There's no romance tag on this story. Did I just completely misinterpret the end? Man... talk about shipping goggles. Well, if I'm completely off-base and partially insane, just ignore the stuff about the romance.
Please keep writing, I'll keep reading!
1364679
"Death of the Author" is all I really need to say.
I like it. There's some errors here and there, but meh. I'll live. You, sir, get a like.
1364702 Point taken and well made!
But the reason Chrysalis defeated her was because she was feeding out From Shining Armor's love for Cadance.Chrys was even struggling and was surprised she won.I don't think it would change your story,though.I just wanted to point that out.
I liked it it by the way.I wish you could explore and expand it a little bit more,but that's only if you feel like it.
This gets a like and fave. You should think about expanding on this, as there are so many paths to take from this.
1365912
Due to the fact this is really just a warm-up, I don't think I'll expand this particular one.
You may see some themes present in this - and possibly even the scenario - present in other things I write. I'm undecided as of yet.
1365928
It's certainly a one-shot, and a short one at this. I don't think that this story, not can't, but shouldn't be continued.
Don't get me wrong though, it was pretty good. Congratulations if this is your first story!
Formatting needs a lot of work. Dialogue attached to speakers and such. Also the pacing is poor, I have no real context of how to feel about whats going on, and the complete tag makes me feel like I kinda just wasted my time cause... Nothing happened. At all.
Besides some of the other things, I feel like this story is missing some things.
Mainly it's the fact that the characters don't change at all. Maybe Celestia feels very different after getting this off her chest, maybe Twilight has decided that she will try to something about Celestia feeling sad, but we don't get to see anything of that. I think that the ending is not fitting for something like this at all - it would work wonders for a longer fic, but here, it's an open ending for a 1k word long story. In my opinion, open endings work only when the story has established some facts and has gone somewhere, but here, nothing is established, so we can't know where it could go, making the story forgettable.
What I like the most about your writing is the dialogue, it seems very fitting for the characters, though here, "y'know" and "dunno" might be a bit too much even for the more laid back princess.
It's a decent one shot. I love the idea behind it, but I really feel like two should have said something to celly, instead of just letting it fly off. That would probably fix the feeling of something missing that people have. Still, it was a nice story and I think, if you ever feel like it, you could take this concept and work wonders.