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After a party with some friends Chris and his friends are walking home when a large dark purple cloud shoots from the sky and hits them, next thing he knows he's in a forest with a strange blue unicorn pony. He must search to find the reason for his sudden residency in Equestria.
Adventure awaits!
>>1366343 I completely understand. That being said... Did you consciously decide to make a story that follows all the wrong stereotypes about amateur pony writers?
Like, let me be clear here, there's nothing wrong with your writing, aside from a few punctuation errors. It's just, an HiE story where the protagonist wakes up in the Everfree forest? It almost feels like you're TRYING to conform to stereotypes. It's very unoriginal.
I actually did consider that. I did see that as being a problem, but at that point I was just too tired to think of a way around how I wanted my storyline to go. I'm sure that once my next chapter is up you might see some divergence between this and other HiE stories. Honestly, I am an amateur pony writer, and my punctuation was never very good (As my past English and Composition teachers would certainly agree
). I just decided that I'd try my hand at writing you know?
Edit: If I plan to keep the story up I do think that I would need a pre-reader/proofreader.
>>1366425 Good stories don't just happen like that, they require a lot of thought. By all means, continue to write this story. I just want to tell you that I think your talents and efforts would be much better used by writing something less trope-y. The good news is, you CAN do that. I like the dialogue in this story, it's funny and lively, despite the subject matter. That's why I'm telling you that this story is unoriginal - you could be doing better.
>>1366426 I don't mean to put this fine fellow down. Criticism is criticism, it's not a personal attack. Considering that this story is decently written and mostly devoid of errors, that's like half of what you need to get in the featured box right there. This just doesn't seem like a good idea. Anyways, I'll still offer my apologies if I come off as offensive.
Edit: Well, what do you know. It DID make the featured box. Impressive! 
dont be so negative about it... think positive? you got featured which means you can get more people to look at your work and give you GOOD AND HELPFUL advice on what to do on your second try. You shouldnt be thrashed upon for posting your work and recieve alot of downvotes when you were honestly just trying to write a story because you wanted to, its not like you were trying to bother or offend people right? Instead you should be shown support and help when there are probably plenty of others who didnt even attempt at writing because they didntthink that they could create something good, you however still went ahead and gave it a shot so kudos to you for trying! hope your future works turn out for the better 
dont give up on writing if thats what you want to do!
Okay, so don't take this the wrong way, but I don't know how this got Featured with as many downvotes as it got. Nothing to do with quality (I ain't read it yet), I just thought the system worked different. 
I'll add this to my massive, massive list of fics to read, and I'll give critique once I've read it. 
Honestly, pretty bad beginning. It was pretty generic (although it was funny) and it wasn't really plot revealing.
However....it sounds very interesting. following on presumptions
btw. don't let mostly negative comments like mine let ya down. I just noticed something that could be improved upon next time.
keep writing dude! 
for effort.
Interesting twist having gender and species flipped versions of the wayward brony meet up like that. Things are looking up, plot wise. :) (Nooo not that way ya pervs.. )
Now the big mystery to me is are they from two different alternate realities, or did he trip out so badly before the magic meteor hit that his Anima/Animus split into two ponies? This little mystery is gonna keep me watching this for now. :)
(and before anypony asks, The Anima and Animus are the female and male portions of everyone that are deep in every mind. A websearch might turn up enough of the latest research to satisfy the curious.)
You see this? ""? Use them for God sake. Also, this is just gross. I don't want to say anything else. Good day.
How did this get featured? I mean, I haven't read it yet or anything, so I have no idea how good this is (or isn't). But I'm fairly certain having more downvotes than upvotes should, uh, make it near impossible to be featured.
Apparently, though, that's not the case. So confused...
Idiot haters, nothing more. Just ignore them.
Still, this worries me. You have the potential, but like others said before me, it seems a waste to use them on a fic like this. I suppose you could say that a HiE is sort of like the first thing any fic writer is expected to do, but... Then again, I'm being hypocritical, my first fic was a HiE. Shipping, at that.
ANYWAY, I shall track this, though how long I do that for just depends on a) how much depth the characters have, b) what happens, c) and whether or not the quality remains the same.
First chapter was pretty good I think. The humor and fast pace (to reach the part we're here for) mostly makes up for it's generic execution. Second chapter brought an interesting twist I haven't seen before, so bonus points for that.
One thing I don't much like is how fast they adjusted to their brand new bodies. Most people don't want to watch someone learn to walk, but it's been like ten minutes and they're already running like the wind and flying like a pro. Pegasi attend flight camp and unicorns have specific schools to learn magic (magic kindergarten). I know you want to do stuff with your characters soon, but learning things like flying and magic would need some time.
I have a couple tips if you want them:
1) Slow down a bit, the journey is half the fun.
2) Start introducing a plot (one that is more than *meet ponies-->live happily ever after* would be nice.)
3) Please try to avoid at least some of the big cliches.
4) Chris out flying RD and/or Christina out magicking Twilight. Don't do it. I just don't see that ending well no matter how you spin it. They really shouldn't even be in the same league.
That's all I have for now. I'll keep an eye on this for a bit, see how it goes.
Well, one could say the new bodies come with muscle memory. Or the muscle memory for bipedal locomotion was altered to fit quadrupedal locomotion. Unless specifically stated, though, yeah, it's too fast.
Yeah, some sort of plot. Even a simple one like trying to find a job and various (and hilarious) cock-ups.
Oh yeah. Cliches are bad. Unless you plan on parodying them. Even then, be careful.
1. Oh I'm trying to lol
2. coming soon
3. I will try my best.
4. I hate those sooo much.
Yeah, the speed with which they adjusted was a tad overboard. I just figured it would be good for progression, as you said, no one wants 2000 words talking about learning to fly.
Man, this is weird. A fic with a 50-50 like/dislike ratio, and all of the comments are either praise or constructive criticism? THIS IS NOT HOW THE INTERNET IS MEANT TO WORK.
That being said, I'll give it a read and get back to you.
FAKEDIT: And again, total agreeance. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TONIGHT, INTERNET?! Anyway, I have the same feelings as everyone else. A bit cliche and some pacing issues, but solid writing and concept.
The Internet is not meant to have this much friendship and tolerance. Not even on pony sites. WHAT IS HAPPENING
I can't tell if this fic being feautred is very good for you, or very bad.
Good because you can actually get some pretty nice things such as constructive criticism and tips to improve.
Bad because you know there's going to be a lot of piss thrown at you and your story.
Let's face it, your story's not good, but you made it clear you just like to write for the hell of it. And though you may not care what some people have to say about your fic, you must know that too much negativity will still get to almost anybody.
Stay strong novice author brony
I've noticed a tendency lately for exactly one of the featured stories to be something of considerably lower quality than everything else.
Now I don't want to be a Rarity or anything, but as a relatively unknown author I'm a bit miffed that things like this are getting in the featured box whilst stories I write do moderately well at best, and I'm sure there are plenty of authors who could use the attention more than I could who haven't made it in the box yet either.
That being said, this isn't a bad story per se, just (as many others have said) a bit thoroughly cliché.
Incoming Constructive Criticism! Please don't take this the wrong way .
Your writing is pretty sound. I only skimmed through it, but I didn't notice any spelling errors, and you seem to know how to properly use capital letters. The first bad thing I noticed is the conversations; it's dialogue driven. There is so much more to interaction than just the words said. Body language and tone of voice play a huge part, and should not be omitted. Not saying who is speaking also leads to confusion, especially, but only, when there are more than two characters involved.
Show, don't tell. There is too much 'tell' here. The link will explain.
Pacing is way too fast. A lot of the fun is in the journey, so slow down and take a look at the scenery. Draw the reader in instead of whipping them by with a single line description.
Now the usual stuff is out of the way, lets get to the real problems:
This story pretty much has no appeal for a reader to continue reading. That may sound harsh, but its true. What's happened so far? Bunch of dude get drunk and high, one ends up in Equestria as a pony. We've all seen it dozens of times before. Only exacerbating the problem is that no-one seems to have any defining characteristics. They're all boring, cardboard cut out characters, lacking in motivation and individuality.
Leading on from that, its unoriginal. It's pretty much your standard cookie cutter HiE. I know you've tried to be original with the Zephyrius-Zephyria thing, but even then instead of innovating on the already unoriginal concept of HiE, you've left the stereotypical problems that we all hate in place, and just added a new one. How? Chris and Christina. From what I gleaned from the story they are pretty much the same person. Instead of putting one Gary Stu in Equestria, you've put both a Gary Stu and a Mary Sue in.
Combine the previous issues with the looming [Romance tag], and we've got a recipe for disaster.
Furthermore, both OCs have adjusted instantaneously to their change in body and location. Within mere hours Zeph is already flying effortlessly. There's not progression, it just happens without explanation. As >>1368362 said, you don't need to tell their whole life story, just the relevant parts.
The adjustment isn't limited to their physical side, their state of mind instantly switches, too. Not once do they think "Am I ever going to see my family again?". They've just shrugged off their former lives for the prospect of meeting some characters from a children's cartoon.
Finally, there is a lack of plot. Why are they in Equestria? Just for the hell of it? It may be a little bit early to start calling you out on this, but this can turn into a big issue. In a good story, everything happens for a reason. Even the most random encounters carry meaning that pushes or re-enforces the plot.
In the end, all of those downvotes are warranted. Characters lack character, don't behave in a believable manner and the readers have no reason to like them, there is next to no originality in this already overdone genre, and of course all of the more technical issues.
And please don't say that things will get better in the later chapters. They might, but there are problems in these two chapters. The first chapter or two of a story are the most crucial. It's the one that should grab the reader's attention and make sure they are interested enough to stay for the rest of the ride.
Don't let this comment get you down. It's your first story, so no-one's expecting a masterpiece, and if you ask me, its a lot better than some of the other 'first fics' FiMFiction gets. It's okay to make mistakes, you just need to learn what went wrong, and make sure you don't get it wrong again .
Have a good day/night.
-Sparklight
No, not idiots. There are a lot of flaws here that would justify a downvote.
The feature box is far from perfect.
I'm pretty sure it only operates on the number of likes it story gets in the amount of time since it was posted. The dislike bar soars up, but has no impact, while generally "less tasteful" viewers keep driving it up with likes, forcing the story higher and higher in the feature box, and exposing it to the cruel waves of critics.
That said, the author is not to blame. It isn't his fault that his story was dragged up there, and we shouldn't blame him for it.
HiE story, but it has a balanced amount of votes. It certainly does look interesting, and I have nothing against HiE to tell the truth. My first story is an HiE, but the only difference was that I was completely oblivious to the amount of dislikes to alicorn OC, and black and red. I had a feeling that black and red might have been used, but not as much as this. Then again, the alicorn thing is a little different. I talked to people about alicorn OC's and why they didn't make some. I mean, some look really good when they have both wings and horns, but they told me that alicorns symbolize a godly character. This is why some people didn't like my story, and they thought the OC I made was a Mary Sue alicorn OC, but he really isn't. He is technically a dead unicorn because I had that idea where if ponies died, they gained wings of some fashion. That was how my intentional background story for him started: he was a unicorn that partially died and gained wings.
Then came the Mary Sue part, which I was always full aware of when I started writing. Out of all the HiE stories that I have read, there were very few that actually acted realistic about the idea. People always make it seem as though their characters are used to walking on all fours. I tested this idea by actually doing it myself, and boy, did I fail. So, I took upon this experience and put it onto my OC. Which, if you read my story, it shows that he has a difficult time walking, and he doesn't know how to fly what-so-ever; not to mention, he doesn't know how to use magic in the slightest. <-- This, I knew, would immediately stop the accusations of my OC being a Mary Sue because he isn't. Even when he was alive, and a unicorn, he didn't really know that much magic. He knew only levitation (not strong enough to carry a giant tank full of water) and teleport (which he can only teleport up to two people, including himself, for a good 20-30 feet, which isn't that far.). I plan on making him know a little bit more, that pertain to his character, but I haven't decided on what that is yet. So, in the mean time, that is all he knows.
Sorry for the rant, I tend to get out of hand sometimes. What I was trying to say was, I am very much interested in reading this story because I don't mind HiE. It might be over used, but that doesn't mean there aren't good ones out there. I wouldn't mind the down votes because they are mostly just because of the use of HiE in your story. I tend to look for the content more than quality of a story. I will let you know of what I think of your story as soon as I read it.
From hell, to you, and back again,
Soto Konoha, TWE Admin
>>1368765 Oh cool! Thank you for the link!
Why does fimfiction keep on doing this to us?
Seems a taaaaaaaaad fast paced, but the idea with a gender opposite, different race couple with a LOT in common name and body feature wise seems new in comparison to a lot of other HiE fanfics.
My only suggestions would be to have proofreaders and slow DOWN on the pacing.
I think that, aside from the fact that it IS an HiE story, and that we have no idea how they got there (specifically), and they woke up in the everfree forest, this is a fairly creative story.
Just because it's about a human going to Equestria doesn't mean it's automatically unoriginal, peeps. 
Hmm, so this story's case is similar to THIS, where a badly written story overloaded with cliches was floating in the feature box for days...
I won't judge this story, because I'm not going to fuel the broken feature system by clicking on any chapter.
I wish you more luck with your future works, though. Adieu.
THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE THE SCREAM OF THE MIND KNOWS NO RELEASE
BEAAAAAUUUDEEELAAAAAIIIIIRRREEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Least your story has up and down votes... mine has... a lot of view but only two upvotes, and the only two comments are mine 
Nice story though... i will agree the HiE is a bit overused... but still, ill watch and see where this leads! ((still wish people would comment and rate mine... i just have a feeling its so bad noone wants to.... ))
It's just, an HiE story where the protagonist wakes up in the Everfree forest? It almost feels like you're TRYING to conform to stereotypes. It's very unoriginal.
When you've read so many fanfics that the same ideas start to overlap and piss you off, that's when it's time to stop. I like this community at times, but at others it seems that arrogance and elitist snobbery boils to the surface to ruin a writer's fun. Has it ever occurred to you that people just might have similar ideas when it comes to "fanfiction," and aren't necessarily "stealing" anything? If there isn't anything technically wrong with the story, leave it be.
Back in the 90's when I played RP/PVP MUDs, I had a drow magic user eerily similar to Drizzt Do'Urden, but for a few distinguishing differences (he was still technically a "bad guy" and chose friends and allies on whim; think "chaotic hippie"). Since it was clear that I had no prior knowledge of the character after being asked about it in chat, other players pointed me to the marvelous fiction of R.A. Salvatore. Not an ounce of "ugh, not this again" was leaked. So I made a few adjustments to his role-play and that was that. With some new insights and a wonderful series to read, it ended happily for everyone.
Yes, this is my first, but I'm not reassured about it's quality due to the number of down votes.
Don't let that get you down. At the base level, these are all stories about technicolor ponies dredged from the childish reserves of their authors' respective imaginations. I'll read this one when I get some more time.
>>1370488 I'm very sorry you interpreted it that way. As (hopefully) my later comments showed, my main point was not "this sucks" but rather "you could do better by using a more original idea". I'm not the type to presume that any HiE is inherently a bad fic. But it's definitely safe to say that there are many poorly written ones. So, given how tired this theme is, wouldn't you agree that if OP put his efforts to work writing, say, a canonical romance, or a comedic adventure story, or whatever the hell else, the results would be invariably better?
Entertaining... could be executed a little better... with that said, I was excited when the main character had the same name as me. But now it's zekpiguyiukjphyrius or something. Easy come, easy go, I suppose. Very good for a first story. I'm working on my first now to so, 'I kno dat feel bro.' (besides the fact that yours got featured ) anyways, good luck.
Also, I agree that this is very unoriginal. But I don't think it's a problem. Even though I've read trillions upon trillions of HiE stories, the idea does not cease to entertain me. It's really about the details that make a story unique anyways. When we're writing fiction about other fiction, there are only a limited number of good ideas.
I don't think anyone 'voted down because of the idea, but maybe just because of the writing itself, (i.e. typos, execution) I do the exact opposite on my stories. A proofreader might drastically help your ratings. I think there's some organization on this site that does that for authors. I do the exact opposite on my stories.
It comes down to traffic from what I can tell. There was a story not long ago that was frankly a horrible mess grammer-wise, plot-wise, layout-wise, and pacing-wise. The only thing, in my opinion, it had going for it was the premise. However a very lively ethics debate started in the comments and the story was featured for a week.
Get enough people to look at it, and any story will show up at the top.
As to this one, I'm with those that say it's not bad, but it's very cliche. It needs a better hook, I think. It is, however, much better than a good portion of the other HiE stuff here.
...Well then. It wasn't a bad fic, and I rather liked the fact that you had no glaringly obvious spelling errors (though, you still should read it often, and out loud, assuming you don't already.... Sorry, just my traditional newfic advice).
Few things I didn't like, however. There was VERY little backstory, and you skipped over all the interesting, story-salient parts that didn't involve him getting to Equestria. For example, how tall is your hero (I don't even know his name, see? Unless it's AiE, of course)? What does he look like? What is his life story? Why should I CARE what happens to him? Seeing as the whole purpose of this Prologue is to tell why whatever-his-name-is got to Equestria, it makes ever-so-infinitesimally-slightly less of a problem for your piece, but it is still salient information. I just happened to glance at your story description, and noticed that the hero's name is Chris. Why, then, do you not mention his name at ALL in your fic?
Secondly, the party scene is just weird. Without the proper information, all I think of is a bunch of partying bronies tripping on SOMETHING, which is mostly accurate, but I'd like to know that up front.
Thirdly, PLEASE make your fanfiction individual. While it was a mediocre start (read: good start), it'd really improve readability (and increase your upvote score) if you made your fanfiction stand out from all the countless other HiE stories.
And lastly, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't take this the wrong way. I really do like this fic so far, but I feel it just has so much more to offer.
Whatevs, will read more and comment more thoroughly later.
~InfinityXanadu
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No it's not great, but neither is my first attempt. Keep writing, keep improving, and prove the downvoters wrong I guess.
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