• Published 30th Sep 2012
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The Study of a Winning Pony - Ponibius



Twilight Sparkle gets assigned to study the insanity that is Cloud Kicker's life for a sociology report. It's just a matter of surviving her circle of crazy friends, paramours, and disappointed family members to do so.

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The Totally Boring Sociological Study

The Study of a Winning Pony

Chapter 2: The Totally Boring Sociological Study

I would be eternally grateful, I decided, for the fact that, Celestia and Luna willing, I would never have to deal with Cloud Kicker again. I did not need that kind of stress in my life.

I sighed wearily as I walked into the library, letting the door slam behind me. I had decided to call it a day after that run-in with Cloud Kicker. She had assured me that she was just kidding with that indecent remark. I very pointedly told her that trying to use me to get into a ‘banging session’ with the Princess was not funny--standards of decency and student-teacher relations aside, I’m pretty sure it would be illegal. Or worse, annoying to the Princess! That infuriating pegasus had dismissed my legitimate complaint by saying that I should lighten up. I considered demanding Cloud Kicker write a letter of apology to the Princess, but that struck me as the equivalent of giving the Cutie Mark Crusaders power tools to repair the periodic property damage they caused. Some things just screamed ‘bad idea.’

“Spike! Are you still awake?” Time to take care of some of the daily responsibilities.

I saw Spike coming part of the way down the stairs; he was carrying a toothbrush and a small towel. “I was just about to brush my teeth before heading to bed.”

I met him halfway up the stairs and gave him an affectionate little nuzzle. “Alright, I will probably be downstairs reading a couple chapters before turning in myself.” I decided to get myself cleaned up in the morning, I didn’t want to keep Spike up with my own showering after all. He was only a baby dragon, he needed his sleep.

“Is everything alright, Twilight?”

Why would he ask that? “Of course, why wouldn’t it be?” I walked back down the stairs to find my copy of Ancient Pegasopolisi History and Culture: A Study of Pegasi Militarism, Meritocracy, and Matriarchy I had been reading before I was dragged off to the party.

Spike chewed on his lips. “You seem distracted tonight. More than normal, anyways.”

I spotted the book on the center table where I had left it, and I levitated it in front of me to confirm my bookmark was in the right place. “It has just been a long day Spike. It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Didn’t you enjoy the party?”

“Of course, it was nice to get out of the library.” Spike crossed his arms in a way that suggested he was not convinced as I rescanned the last few paragraphs I had read. I looked back up at hm. “I got to meet all my friends there.” Except Fluttershy, anyways. “So that was nice. It was just that everypony was busy with their own things at the party, and I didn’t really know that many ponies. It happens.”

“You could always try and make more friends, Twilight,” Spike said. “It’s not like you’re cheating on the ones you have by getting more. You would have more fun at Pinkie’s parties if you knew more ponies.”

“It just didn’t work out that way this time.” I shuddered inwardly at the idea of having to interact with a pony like Cloud Kicker on a regular basis. I did not need that type of stress added to my day-to-day rotation. “Don’t worry--I’m not going to become some sort of shut-in again, I promise. I’ll just try and get to know some other ponies better next time. It’s not like we’re going to run into a shortage of Pinkie Pie parties anytime soon.”

“You can say that again,” Spike agreed. He let out a yawn. “Now if you don’t mind, I think my blankie is calling me.”

“I really wish you would just sleep in the guest bed.” I was not thrilled with Spike effectively sleeping on the floor of our bedroom.

“Nah, I’m just not comfortable with the beds ponies use, I’m fine with the basket.” This was an old argument we had gone over time and time again. I thought back to Mom’s tactics, and hoped they would work here: whenever there was a point she wanted to make, she’d bring the topic up ad nauseum until we got tired of it and just gave in. My dad could hold his own in a debate, but nopony in our family could beat Mom in the long run.

Thus far, the basket with a cushion and a blanket had been the only concession I had been able to work out of the baby dragon. Maybe it just came down to dragons having different needs for sleeping arrangement than ponies. The typical grown dragon tended to sleep on a bunch of gems, coins and random odds and ends of treasure. Still, I felt guilty having Spike sleep on my floor. “In any event, you know the guest bed has your name on it if you decide you don’t like the basket anymore.”

“Yea, yea, whatever.” He stifled another yawn.

I trotted back over to Spike and gave him a hug. “Goodnight.”

After a moment’s hesitation at the sign of affection, Spike reciprocated with his own hug. “You too Twilight. Just don’t stay up all night studying, ok?” He broke the hug with me, and I backed down the steps. “I don’t like it when you are all cranky in the morning.”

“Don’t worry,” I reassured him. “I’m not planning an all-nighter tonight. Just some light reading to clear my head so I can rest easy.”

Spike yawned and grumbled something inaudible. He turned around and with heavy footfalls made his way back up in the library to our bedroom. Big sister, just one of those roles in life I had to play.

I turned off most of the lights downstairs so that they wouldn’t keep Spike up. Leaving myself enough light to still read, I then trotted back to the kitchen and began rustling around for my kettle and the ingredients for my tea. My throat still felt raspy from all the coughing earlier today, and Zecora had given me some tea that should help with that. I couldn’t argue with the results of her other curative teas that I had tried in the past. Her mixtures for headaches were lifesavers, as far as I was concerned. Besides, a nice warm cup of the stuff did help calm me down after a rough day like today.

After a few minutes, I had a warm cup of tea firmly grasped with my telekinesis as I trotted back into the main room of the library to get a relaxing bit of reading in. I sat down, got settled, and started to read away. Naturally, that’s when Princess Luna literally stepped out of the shadows right next to me.

TWILIGHT SPARKLE. WE REQUIRE THY ASSISTANCE WITH A MATTER OF GREAT IMPORTANCE.” The sudden explosion of sound and the appearance of Princess Luna caused me to fall to the floor in surprise, and I barely suppressed a scream as I stared up at the Princess of the Night. She looked down at me with unreadable disinterest. “IS SOMETHING AMISS? WE WERE HOPING THAT WE WOULD BE ABLE TO DISCUSS AN ASSIGNMENT WE WISH FOR THEE TO COMPLETE FOR US.”

There is the fact that she just appeared in my home without my knowledge or permission, and nearly scared me halfway to death in the process. I managed to collect myself enough to get up from the floor and started to get my heart rate back under control. I gave Luna a klutzy and belated bow. To say that a visit from royalty late at night was not on my schedule would be an understatement. “Princess - please, volume.” I gave a downward motion with to try and get her to stop using the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Spike is sleeping upstairs.” That was a debatable fact after she had just shaken the entire library.

Luna frowned for a moment before speaking. Thankfully, she lowered her volume to something approaching that of a normal conversation. “Our apologies, Twilight Sparkle. Sometimes We forget that much of Our business takes place when most of our subjects are asleep. With so many ponies in the cities awake at night, it is difficult to keep track of who is awake at what times. From what Our sister indicated, thou wouldst normally be awake this late to partake in thy studies.”

I gulped and tried to put up a friendly smile for Luna. “I-It’s ok Princess. I understand. It’s just that I didn’t expect you to suddenly walk into the library in the middle of the night.” Luna was still pretty bad about the blatant showings of power. I still was not sure if that was just the way things were done over a thousand years ago, or if it was just a personality quirk for her. At least this time she hadn’t brought her cloak of bats. That thing was just downright creepy.

Luna walked around the main room of the library, taking a moment every so often to look at a book or knickknack I had lining the shelves. “Is everything alright, Twilight Sparkle? Thou seem perturbed this night. We hope that Our sudden presence is not a problem for thee.” She turned back to address me. “If thou art not comfortable with doing business at this hour, We can return during thy library’s open hours.”

“Nonono, that is alright,” I said hastily. “You’re always welcome in my home.” I just wished she would enter through the door like a normal pony rather than going for one of the theatrical entrances she seemed to prefer. It looked like the adjusting period for Luna was going to be a long one. “Would you like some tea? I have a pot heated up.”

The corner of Luna’s face raised into a smile. “We would love to join thee in drinking tea. Thou art a most gracious host, Twilight Sparkle.”

Old styled manners always seemed to help put the Princess of the Night at ease. “Please, sit at the table. I’ll just be a minute.” She slowly walked towards the table and made herself comfortable on a couple of pillows.

I quickly trotted back to the kitchen and retrieved the pot of tea. After placing a pair of cups and some cookies onto a plate, I returned to the main room to see that Luna had settled herself into a sitting position at the library’s main table. She stared off into space in bored disinterest, and could almost be mistaken for a statue if not for her slowly billowing mane and tail. I placed the plate and tea kettle on the table, and poured the Princess a cup of tea before sitting myself opposite of her. “There you go, Princess Luna. I hope you don’t mind the taste of the tea, I originally stirred it up to help with a sore throat.” The mixture was definitely on the lemony and sour side now that I finally had the opportunity to taste it.

Luna picked up her cup and lifted it to her lips to drink. “We find thy tea more than acceptable, and thank thee.” She lifted up one of the cookies to munch on in silence. Scholars had long debated if the royal sisters actually needed to eat or drink or if they just did so for pleasure or social reasons. The artificial and measured alternations between food and drink only made the point that Luna might be humoring me, which was a slightly unsettling feeling. Then again, I'd seen how Princess Celestia can get when the Royal Baker finishes making one of his huge cakes.

There was a long period of silence as I watched Princess Luna dispassionately alternate between drinking and eating. She barely moved a muscle as she used her telekinesis to move objects around. It looked like Luna was all business tonight. The fact she had not dispensed with the royal We’s and her standoffish nature said that much. The Princess had a mercurial personality, and her moods could shift radically depending on the situation. While she could be quite warm and friendly in a social situation like Nightmare Night, she could put on a mask of cold detachment when more serious matters were being discussed. I finally decided that the Princess was waiting for me to make the next move.

“You said that you had some sort of assignment for me?” Might as well get straight to the point. “I would like to help with whatever you need, Princess.”

Luna wiped her mouth off with a napkin. “Yes, Twilight Sparkle. We have an assignment that we believe thy talents and abilities will be most suited for. The Royal Canterlot University is starting a comprehensive sociological study spanning the breadth of Equestria.”

My ears perked at this news. Now that sounded interesting. “I would love to hear more about it.”

Luna nodded, the tea and cookies completely forgotten. “We want to collect information on ponies fulfilling a variety of roles within Equestrian society. Farmers, politicians, laborers, nobles, members of the Guard, craftponies, and so on. The plan is to single out specific individuals from various communities throughout our realm in order to gain an understanding of the sociological makeup of our society and culture by looking at it on a personal scale.” Luna cleared her throat. “We will admit; we are partially funding this venture through our own personal coffers so that we may learn more about our beloved subjects.”

She had me hooked on the idea. “I would love to help, Princess. It sounds like a great project, and I hope it helps you reintegrate back into Equestrian society.” Learning more and helping one of the Princesses in the process? I saw no problems with this.

“Excellent, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna clopped her front two hooves together in affirmation. Her horn glowed, and a manila envelope rose out of her shadow. She levitated the envelope onto the table right in front of me. Ok, so she can stuff random objects into her shadow. Why not? Sometimes I wondered if Luna was secretly a showoff.

She pointed to the envelope. “This is the resident of Ponyville that We wish for thee to study. Art thou familiar with her?”

I opened the folder with my magic, and looked at its contents. I saw the pony’s name on the first page and her picture underneath. My eyes widened in surprise. “I--T-this must be a mistake.”

“What dost thou mean, Twilight Sparkle?” Her eyelids lowered as she stared down at me.

I stomped down on the papers. “You want me to study Cloud Kicker? Cloud Kicker, out of all ponies in Ponyville?”

Luna seemed undisturbed by my outburst, and she continued to stare down at me as though nothing was wrong. “Indeed, it is not a mistake. We picked her specifically for her special role within Ponyville’s social structure.”

“B-b-but…” My brain worked furiously to come up with a logical argument for what was wrong here. “You…Do you really want Cloud Kicker to be a representative of Ponyville, no, Equestrian society, Princess? S-she’s--uh--she’s a-a…a…that is…”

“Yes, Twilight Sparkle?” I don’t know how a pony can give the impression that they were smiling without moving their mouth, but Luna was somehow absolutely beaming at me. I was sure of it.

Ok, different route of attack then. “Look, I think there are plenty of ponies that would be much better for this study.” My brain churned out a list of names. “There’s Granny Smith, she helped colonize Ponyville and has lead a rich life here. I could do a great report with her.” Luna seemed unmoved as she continued to stare at me with no visible interest. “How about Applejack or Rarity? They are both respectable small business owners and each a holder of the Elements of Harmony.” Still no reaction. My tone became increasingly pleading. “There is Mayor Mare, uh, Filthy Rich, Ponyville’s richest pony. Cheerilee, the local schoolmare has had an interesting life.” Luna was not even dignifying my suggestions with a reaction. “There’s the Cutie Mark Crusaders, they sure are up to some wacky things.” Nothing.

I consider for a moment of suggesting Pinkie Pie. But the last time I had tried to research her it had ended with me digging a hole in the library basement’s floor, throwing all my research into the hole, filling the hole with concrete, and then placing a series of wards on the concrete as it dried. Some things were just not meant for ponykind to know. Good news was that at least studying Cloud Kicker should not involve the casual breaking of the laws of reality.

“Err, how about-" Luna raised a hoof to gesture for me to stop.

“We know what We desire in this matter Twilight Sparkle.” Luna stood up from her sitting position, and slowly walked over next to me. She may not have been as tall as Princess Celestia, but she was still easily taller than the biggest stallions I had seen, and cut an imposing figure. She jabbed at the papers. “Cloud Kicker is the pony we wish for thee to study. We had to agree to take on several particularly laborious and tedious royal court cases in order to obtain exclusive rights to thy services from Our sister. Is there some reason we are unaware that thou wouldst be incapable of completing this assignment?”

“Well no, of course not. It’s just-“

“Then what is thy problem Twilight Sparkle?” She lowered her head close enough to violate my personal space. “Dost thou overly object to Cloud Kicker’s lifestyle? Dost thou deny her unique role in society, and the need to record it for study for its greater relevance to Equestrian society and culture?”

It was looking like I was going to have no choice but to mare up on this one. I could not find a way out of this without directly turning Princess Luna down. It would be downright rude to try and go over Luna’s head and go to Princess Celestia, and it was unlikely to even work if Luna had indeed gotten the her sister’s permission. I was stuck unless I wanted to offend at least one of the royal princesses. Luna’s disapproving stare sealed the deal.

“I’ll do it,” I said with a resignation sigh.

“Very good.” She lifted her head out of my personal space and took a step back. Much to my relief. “Are there any questions thou wouldst ask of Us while we are here?”

If I was stuck doing this thing, I might as well do it right. I did not have to be thrilled with an assignment to do a good job. “What do you need to know for the report? Is there anything specific you want me to go into detail?”

Luna turned away from me and walked to a nearby window to look outside. “We wish for thee to find out everything thou canst about Cloud Kicker. A comprehensive, thorough, and invasive study on every aspect of her life. Leave nothing out, and We mean nothing. No piece of information is irrelevant for this study.” She turned her head to look at me. “Thou shalt research every aspect of her life, nature, daily activities, history, and relationships. No part of her is not to be prodded. No cavity unsearched.”

I hoped Luna did not know how what she said sounded given the context. Suddenly a thought came to me that I should have objected to earlier. “Isn’t Cloud Kicker going to object to me being so…invasive in her life? It sounds like you to want me to learn everything about her--even things she might not want everypony to look into, and I can’t think of a single pony that would not be offended by that at least a little.”

Luna turned towards me and waved in negation. “Cloud Kicker has already agreed to this study and its nature. We received the signed contract yesterday, and she has already received half the bits agreed upon with the signing.”

Wait, how long had Luna been planning on this?

“She has agreed to make herself available in any way thou wouldst ask. We expect thee to take full advantage of her offerings.”

I really wish she would stop with all the unintentional innuendos, because they were starting to make me a little uncomfortable. I was beginning to wonder if this was all some big prank, and I was going to have Princess Celestia and Cloud Kicker jump out of some improbably small place at any moment to laugh at me.

“We expect the best from Our sister’s favored student. We have also rearranged the spell matrix with thy familiar, and for the duration of your study of Cloud Kicker all of thy letters will be sent to Us.”

I rubbed my chin slowly. So for all intents and purposes, I was now reporting directly to Princess Luna instead of Princess Celestia? Grand. And I had not even been asked first. This was getting more suspicious by the minute.

After giving me a moment to think things over, Luna lifted her chin and grinned down at me. “Also if thou art inclined, thou may send Us thy friendship reports. Celestia has allowed Us to read a score of them, and We have found them more than worthy of our time.”

At least I had that going for me. I picked myself up from the floor so that I could directly face Luna. I looked the Princess in the eyes and nodded my head. “You can count on me, Princess Luna. I’ll show you exactly why I’m Princess Celestia’s most faithful student.” Even if I was not wild about this assignment I could still control my attitude towards it.

Luna gave a nod of satisfaction. “We look forward to thy report when it is finished. Do not be afraid to contact Us if thou should ever feel the need. Thou may treat Us as thou wouldst if we were Our sister for the interim of your work upon this report.” She placed a hoof on my shoulder. “We have every confidence that thou will write Us an outstanding report.”

She turned away and started to walk away and towards some of the lingering shadows in the room. “Goodnight to thee Twilight Sparkle. Oh, and one final thing; Thou art not to tell Cloud Kicker of Our involvement in this study.” With that she stepped into the shadows and disappeared.

I gave an involuntary shudder. I knew Princess Luna was a good pony, but her mercurial nature and personality quirks made it difficult to interact with her at times. Like the phases of the moon, she could go from bright and inviting to dark and cold without warning. It was easy to see why ponies a millennia ago had problems with her.

Also, why did she insist that I not tell Cloud Kicker of her involvement in this? Why add that in the end before I could ask any questions? I think she may have been playing with me at a few points, but that was impossible for me to say. In the end, it did not change the fact that my part in examining Cloud Kicker–of all ponies, was something I was not looking forward to. Even if the concept of the sociological study did interest me.

I breathed in and out slowly as I gathered my thoughts in order to focus on the task at hoof and put my mind to the task at hoof. I could do this. At the end of the day it was just like every other report I had ever done. This would not be the first report I had not been excited about, though there were only a hoofful of those. Less than a dozen really. A lot of academic topics did interest me. But that was all besides the point. There was no reason I couldn’t approach this study like any other; objectively, neutrally and with an analytical mind.

I retrieved some writing supplies and pulled down the books I would need. The task took a bit longer due to not having Spike around to help--I had long suspected his dragon hoarding instinct made him especially adept at remembering where things were and retrieving them. I managed in any event, and I unrolled a scroll and prepped a quill to begin making a list of how I was going to approach this study. It looked like this was going to be a longer night then I had originally planned.

At the end of the day this was a straightforward sociology report. Even if its subject was … unconventional. How difficult could this be? I mean really?