Mail, Mayhem, and Preposterous Plans
The Study of a Winning Pony
Chapter 10: Mail, Mayhem, and Preposterous Plans
“Why is there cake batter on my letters?” I asked Derpy, flicking some of the batter off the mail she had just given me. I was careful to try and not get any of it in the library as I stood in the doorway. It was moments like these that made me happy I could use telekinesis. You can’t get telekinesis dirty.
Derpy rubbed the back of her head, causing her mailmare hat to shift forward on her head. “Oh, oops.” She chuckled. “Kinda accidently dropped a few of the letters into a mixing bowl at Sugarcube Corner. Sorry about that.”
I let out a patient sigh. “They just let you into the back of the Sugarcube? What were you doing, helping them bake?”
Derpy straightened her hat. “Nope, they haven’t let me in their kitchen to bake since I set the place on fire.” It was comments like that made me seriously wonder how Derpy hadn’t burned her house down by now. “Usually, I’m just there to have a chat with Pinkie Pie or the Cakes when I drop off their mail, like we’re doing right now. Kinda part of the whole mail service job.”
I decided reminding Derpy that it wasn’t her job to drop my mail into cake batter wasn’t going to do much good. Hopefully this was just a one-time accident. Sheesh, someday I'm going to hear that she managed to set water on fire while trying to boil it.
She chuckled, continuing, "Come to think of it, I had an accident at lunch today... Tried to make tea when the kettle went up in smoke! Can’t say I blame them for wanting to keep me away from the ovens."
And apparently, that day was today.
I cocked an eyebrow. “The actual water? You don’t mean you set something else on fire? Like set oil on top of water on fire?”
She shook her head. “Nope. Well yes, I’ve done that too, but I also set water on fire. You wouldn’t believe how hard that was to explain to the fire department. Good thing the fireponies and I already knew each other. We’re all but friends, given how often they come over.”
“I can imagine,” I said, sarcasm working its way into my tone. I made a mental note to add spells that could help Dinky deal with fires to her syllabus. It sounded like she would get a lot of use out of them.
Derpy tightened the strings to her mailbag. “Anyways, I better get going. Lots of mail to deliver.”
I nodded. “I won’t hold you up then.”
I moved to close the door when Derpy spoke up urgently. “Oh, and before I forget!” I stopped closing the door and opened it back up again. “Thank again for helping Dinky and Sparkler. It really means a lot to all of us.”
I felt my cheeks burn. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of just trying to do the right thing. “Don’t worry about it; I just like to help everypony when I can.”
Derpy gave me one of her bubbly smiles. “I can tell you that Dinky is really looking forward to her first lessons. You’re still good for the time next week that we talked about?”
I smiled back at her as I flicked my letters a couple more times to make sure I had gotten off as much of the batter as possible. “I’ll be ready. I’ve written the syllabus, prepared a reading list, and I’m almost done collecting and preparing thaumaturgic instruments for her lessons. I think we’re going to have a great time! I can already imagine it, my dedicated student standing in rapt attention as I give my lesson. Showing her the best methods for learning spells, the meticulous practicing of spells, the use of arcane instruments! I have no doubt that this is going to be an invigorating experience for both Dinky and I!”
“Err, sounds like you’re really prepared for this then?” Derpy started casting quick glances at the door. Oh dear, I must be keeping her from her route! Can't have her fall behind schedule. Better try and wrap this conversation up.
I magically recalled my “Dinky’s Magical Education Preparation Checklist” list in front of me to look over it again. “Yep, I’ve checked and triple checked to make sure I have everything I need. And then I had Spike triple check it himself. I’ve also read through How to Teach Magic, Spellcasting and your Child, Student and the Mentor—”
Derpy raised up her hoof. “I get it! I get it!” She let out a breath. “You really seem to be putting your all into this, and I appreciate it!”
I dismissed my list, satisfied that everything was where I wanted it at the moment. “Of course! Not a problem! A filly’s magical education is really important.”
Derpy flapped her wings to take off. “I need to get going. See you later, Twilight!”
“Bye, Derpy!” We waved at each other while Derpy flew away, assumedly to continue her delivery route.
I closed the front door of the library and started to look through what we had gotten in the mail. A bill, a couple advertisements that were badly stained by the batter, and a letter from my big brother. I discarded the advertisements in the trash and put the bill to the side to be taken care of when I had scheduled to deal with our monthly bills.
Spike stepped out from the kitchen, holding a plate with some cut vegetables. “Hey, what’d we get in the mail?”
“Just the usual stuff.” I flapped the one letter still in my telekinesis. “And a letter from Shiny.”
“That’s cool.” Spike placed the plate down on the central table in the library. “Say, when’s your family going to visit us here anyways?”
I stopped for a moment to consider that question. “Um, I don’t know.”
Spike grabbed a carrot stick and popped it in his mouth. “You know, we’ve been living in Ponyville for nearly two years, and none of your family have visited yet.”
I sat down at the table and started carefully opening Shiny’s letter. “They’re all busy. You know that. Being Captain of the Guard is a really time-consuming job, and Mom and Dad are always strapped for time.”
Spike pursed his lips. “Have you asked them to visit you?”
What had brought this topic up all of a sudden? “I ... didn’t want to impose on them. I don’t want to be selfish and pull them away from everything to visit me in a little place like Ponyville.”
Spike picked up a piece of celery. “I don’t think they would mind much if you just scheduled something.” He jabbed the celery at me. “I’m sure they would love to see you and everypony in Ponyville. None of them have even met your friends.”
“Maybe,” I conceded. Spike did have a point. It had been a while since I had even seen any of my family. Not since I had last been in Canterlot during Hearth’s Warming Eve. But it just seemed a lot easier to go to Canterlot than to ask any of them to drag themselves to Ponyville. “I’ll think about it. How about we just read what Shiny has been up to?” Spike shrugged and bit into his celery.
I opened the letter and started reading through it. Luckily the writing had survived (mostly) intact after its run-in with Derpy and her accident-prone ways.
Hi Twily,
How’s my little sis doing? From your last letter, it sounds like you’re doing well in Ponyville. It’s good to hear that you’re making new friends.
I do miss you terribly, though. It was much easier to visit you when you lived in Canterlot and were close at hoof, and it’s hard to come out to someplace like Ponyville. I just don’t have as much time for personal matters and family as I would like, but that tends to come with being in the Guard. I knew that being Captain of the Royal Guard would be time-consuming, but there's a big, big difference between knowing it and actually going through with it—kinda like West Hoof. At least I don’t have to deal with having Blueblood as a bunkmate this time around.
But it’s a pain that even if I worked every hour of the day, I still wouldn’t get everything done. It’s taken some time to get used to, but I think I’ll manage in the end.
I do wonder if you ever plan on coming to Canterlot? I don’t want to be pushy, but you didn’t really reply to my last letter about what your plans are for your future. You know you can’t spend your entire life sitting around in a library, reading books, and writing letters about friendship to the Princess, right? I hate the idea of you wasting your talents and education. You have the potential to do so much more. I know you have done quite a bit, and nopony would say anything else, but I’m sure you can do more with your life.
I’m sure if you moved back to Canterlot you could get a job at a university—maybe a research position, something I’m sure you would really enjoy. Besides, you wouldn’t have to worry about random monsters wandering their way out of the Everfree and into town. How many times have you been to the hospital since going to Ponyville? I think I would feel a lot better if you were back home with your family. Think about it, will you?
At the very least, I would like to see you personally before too long. I have something I would really like to talk to you about when next we meet. You’ll just have to trust me that it’s important.
Also, I wanted to double check that you were coming to Amethyst's birthday. Mom and Dad said they sent you a letter asking, but I thought I should make sure. Peace of mind and all that.
Your BBBFF,
Shining Armor
PS: I’m giving you a noogie next time I see you. Because I love you.
“So, what’s it say?” asked Spike.
“Oh, the usual stuff.” I levitated the letter over to Spike so that he could read it himself. “Shiny is busy with work. He wants me to come back to Canterlot so that it’s easier for us to see each other. Same old, same old.”
Spike chewed on a carrot while reading over the letter. “Think he might have a point?”
I shook my head. “He’s just being a big brother, as always. It’s probably just important to him to have somepony be there for him when he comes back from an assignment. Maybe we can see about going to Canterlot to visit him? We could even see my parents while we’re there if they aren't away on business or at Shetland.”
Spike swallowed his carrot and shrugged. “Sounds fine.” He leaned forwarded and grinned. “You could even ask all of them to come visit you in Ponyville!”
I considered that for a moment. “I suppose I could see if they would all like to come over someday.” I didn’t want to make my family feel they needed to come over to see me, and I had to admit having the personal time away from them had been nice. I didn’t think it was so bad to just want some personal space to live my life a little. “I think I’ll go ahead and write a couple of letters to see when it might be a good time to see everypony.”
“Sounds good,” said Spike as he picked up a couple slices of cucumber.
I pulled out a few sheets of paper and writing instruments when I felt a pair of hooves reach from behind my head to cover my eyes. “Guuueeess who?”
It wasn’t exactly hard to narrow down the list of suspects. “Pinkie Pie, what are you doing?”
Pinkie Pie pulled her hooves from my eyes. “Wow, you’re good. How’d you guess? Are you psychic?” She grasped me in a hug from behind and squeezed me hard enough to worry about my ribs.
“Nope,” I wheezed. “I’m not psychic. I just don’t know many ponies with hooves your shade of pink. Besides, you didn’t try very hard to hide your voice.” Not to mention Pinkie's probably the only grown mare who would randomly sneak into somepony's house to do something like this.
“Heh, guess you have a point.” Pinkie released me. “Usually works on foals. The Cake’s twins love that game.”
“Maybe you should try and be a bit more clever with adults?” I advised.
“Got a point there. Oh! I can paint myself and do all sorts of funny voices.” Pinkie said with a bubbly laugh. “I bet the twins would love that.” I supposed it was pointless to explain to Pinkie that game was designed mostly for foals. She walked over to Spike and pointed at his plate. “Mind if I have some?”
Spike waved a claw at the plate. “Go for it.”
“Thankee!” Pinkie went at the plate with gusto and juggled a dozen bite-sized vegetables into the air to chomp down on them one at a time.
I put my writing utensils aside. No sense being rude to my friend while she was here. “So, what brings you to the library? You here to check out a book?”
A big grin spread over Pinkie’s face. “Nope, I’m here to invite you to a party!” Of course, why else would she be here? Okay, that wasn’t completely fair; even Pinkie liked to check out the occasional book.
“What’s the party for this time?” I inquired.
Pinkie leaned to whisper into my ear. “It’s a secret.”
Now that was quite possibly a new one. I can’t remember a time that Pinkie kept the purpose of a party a secret from me. Unleashed surprise parties on me for sure, but nothing like this. “Can you tell me the secret?”
Pinkie blew a raspberry. “Of course not, silly. Then it wouldn’t be a secret.”
I rubbed at my forehead, feeling a headache coming on. Better to get to the point before Pinkie said something that would send me into a fit. “No, of course not. So, where and when is the party?”
Pinkie got behind me and pushed me towards the door. “It’s going on right now! Us girls were talkin’, and we thought we should have a secret party and invite a bunch of ponies to it. Especially you!”
“Wait, what!?” I braced my hooves against the doorframe to keep Pinkie from outright pushing me out of the library.
Pinkie kept right on pushing, and I felt my hooves slowly slip under the pressure. “Come on, Twilight. This party just isn’t going to work without you! It’ll be fun. I promise.”
Spike hopped up. “Yeah, let’s go! Besides, you’ve been spending all your time cooped up in the library all day.”
“Hey, that stuff is important.” Deciding I wasn’t going to win the contest of strength with Pinkie, I teleported behind her and next to Spike. Pinkie flailed her forelegs as she lost her balance and fell to the floor. “I have all that work to do, and we still don’t have the basement finished, and—”
Pinkie looked at me with a pouty frown. “Are you saying you don’t want to come out and have some fun with us?”
“That’s not what I’m saying,” I grumbled. Pinkie was being unusually insistent with getting me to this party for some reason. She had gotten pretty good about accepting that we might not want to go to every party since that one incident with her surprise birthday party.
She looked up at me with big, sad eyes. “Please, Twilight. It’s really important you go to this one. Just come out and have fun for a couple hours. Pleeeaaase?”
I had been keeping myself pretty busy as of late, now that I thought of it. There was plenty of work I could do around the library, either to prepare for my interview with Cloud Kicker, get the lab in the basement up and running again, get Dinky’s lessons ready, or just write that letter to my brother. On the other hoof, none of that was particularly time-sensitive.
I let out a long sigh. “Okay, I’ll go to the party.” Perhaps some time to unwind would do me some good. “You want to come, Spike?”
“Sure do!” Spike reached up and climbed onto my back.
“Alright, Pinkie. Lead the way.”
Pinkie trotted out the library door and looked back at me as I followed. “Trust me, Twilight. You’re going to like this one!”
***
“Pinkie, why is Rainbow Dash making a bunch of ponies fly through burning hoops?” I watched as Rainbow Dash encouraged a bunch of pegasi to fly through the incendiary insanity.
“Because Dashie thinks fire makes an obstacle course cooler.” Pinkie tapped her chin with a hoof. “Weeell, I suppose that wouldn’t make it ‘cooler.’ Fire isn’t very cool, you know. In fact, it’s downright hot! It would be more accurate to say that it makes it more awesome or death-defying.”
Spike watched the display of Dash running the ponies going through the course. “It’s pretty awesome to watch.”
“And what type of party has”— I waved a hoof at the fiery obstacle course —“all this going on?” I had to admit, even for Pinkie Pie, ponies putting life and limb on the line was a new one for some party. I thought I was justified to be a bit worried at this point.
Pinkie giggled and pushed me towards the doorway of the Sugarcube Corner. “I told you, silly, it’s a secret. Come on, let’s go inside.” Despite my initial reluctance, I decided to go with Pinkie. Going against whatever she had planned would only make things worse. It was even possible I was misreading whatever it was that was going on outside.
Pinkie led me and Spike into Sugarcube Corner. To no real surprise, Pinkie had made her usual party arrangements for her workplace. She probably had it down to a science by this point ... if science could ever be applied to Pinkie. There were balloons and streamers decorating the whole place, and various confectionaries lay about on a table to the side of the room. Over a couple dozen ponies milled around where I could see.
Pinkie leaned to wrap a foreleg around Spike’s shoulders. “How about we head over to the kiddy section, my scaly little friend?”
Spike crossed his arms over his chest. “Hey, I’m not a kid. I can hang out with the adults too.”
Pinkie had never sent Spike to the kiddy section before at her parties. Though, usually that was because the activities for adults and children were pretty much the same a lot of the times. At this party there was an area clearly set aside for all the children, with all the usual games and activities one would expect. Meanwhile, all the adults were mostly standing around socializing or looking out the windows at whatever Dash was doing. “Why do you want Spike to go with you?” I asked.
“Because that’s where the gem cake is.” Pinkie grabbed Spike’s head and turned it towards a table with a large cake covered in a variety of gems. “I would just hate for something that only dragons can eat to go bad. I mean look at it. Doesn’t it look super yummy?”
“Uh-huh.” Spike licked his lips as he stared at the cake. “Would be a real shame if it had to be thrown out because nodragon ate it.” Knowing Spike, he might very well go into the trash to retrieve the discarded cake later if he didn’t eat it now. He had done it before with other food Sugarcube Corner had thrown out. I was trying really hard to keep him from doing that. Maybe it was a dragon thing?
Pinkie plucked Spike off of my back and slid him onto hers. “How about we get you over there so you can dig in? Cakes don’t eat themselves you know. Trust me, I tried. Cakes aren’t cannibals either. I mean the pastries—well, the Cakes too, none of them are cannibals. I mean, that would just be gross. Though the Cakes do eat cakes but not the other way around. At least as far as I know there aren’t any Cake-eating cakes. That would just be weird. That’s like pies eating Pies when it supposed be the other way around. And let’s not even—”
Spike reached forward to cover Pinkie’s mouth. I’m pretty sure he learned that trick from Dash. “How about you just take me over to the cake so that I can get a slice?” His tongue ran over his lips as he approached the gem cake. “And then another one after that.”
I held a hoof up to stop Pinkie before she could get away. “Spike, I don’t want you eating too much of that cake. You’ll get a stomachache.”
Spike waved a claw at me. “I’ll be fine. I have an iron stomach, remember?”
I gave Spike a stern look. “Just don’t eat nothing but cake and sweets, okay? We can always take leftovers of the cake back home, assuming Pinkie is okay with that.”
Pinkie raised her hoof in a salute. “Not a problem with me. I can’t eat a gem cake. Well, I could eat it, but it would probably make me super sick. And could you imagine trying to pass those gems? Now there’s some constipation problems.”
I moved to follow Pinkie and Spike to where the children were at, when Pinkie spun to face me and placed a hoof on my chest. “How about you mingle with everypony else, Twilight? I’ll take care of Spike and the kiddies.”
I looked around at the other ponies around me. “Oh, okay. I guess that’s fine.”
Pinkie turned to take Spike to the gem cake. “Talk, drink, be merry. Meet some new ponies why don’t ya?”
“Alright, Pinkie,” I said, watching as Pinkie walked away. I stood there for a moment, considering what I should do with myself.
I heard a familiar voice call out to me from my left. “Hey, Twi! Head on over here, girl!” I turned to see Applejack waving me over.
I walked over to her and a small group of ponies she was gathered with. “Hi, Applejack. How are you today?”
Applejack flashed me a grin. “Ah reckon Ah’m doin’ pretty good. Yerself?”
I shrugged. “I’m doing fine. Just another day of the usual.”
Applejack motioned to a light yellow earth pony standing next to her. “Hey, you’ve met mah cousin, Apple Fritter here, remember?”
“Yeah, I have.” I vaguely remembered her face from previous visits to Sweet Apple Acres. Applejack had so many ponies in her family that at times it was hard to keep up. Even so, it payed to be courteous to everypony. “Nice to meet you again.”
Apple Fritter gave a toss of dual green colored mane. “Pleasure ta meet ya.”
I extended my hoof, and she shook it. “So, what brings all you to Ponyville?”
Apple Fritter grinned at me. “Ah live here, for starters.”
“Oh, oops.” I chuckled. I had forgotten that. “My mistake. Sometimes I have trouble keeping track of which of you live around Ponyville and which are just visiting or on business.”
“Not a problem.” Fritter took a swig out of the mug she was carrying. “Ah’m usually out o’ town half the time anyways. Givin’ a helpin’ hoof to mah kin around the country an’ sellin’ our produce to earn some extra bits to get my own farm someday.”
I floated over a nearby cupcake. “That sounds like a nice goal.”
“Yep, thinkin’ about buying a plot of land further out west on the frontier.” Fritter pointed in a vaguely westerly direction. “Lands’ a bit cheaper out that way, or at least that’s how cousin Braeburn puts it.”
“I hope that works out for you then.” I took a bite out of my cupcake.
Fritter let out a long sigh as she looked at her drink. “So do I. Not wild about the idea of moving away from my parents and siblings, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do.”
“I can understand that,” I said. “My family’s work takes them all over Equestria, so it can be hard to sit down with them sometimes.”
Applejack turned to take a couple of steps away from the two of us. “I think I’ll leave you two—”
“Hey, Twilight!” Pinkie interrupted whatever Applejack was about to say. She pushed a fuschia coated mare next to us. I instantly recognized the local Ponyville teacher, Cheerilee, as she dug her hooves into the floor in a failed attempt to stop Pinkie’s pushing. “You remember Cheerilee, right? I’ve seen you two hanging out with one another. I mean you both like reading, and went to college, and stuff like that. So that means you two have a super-duper lot in common right?”
I had to wonder what in the world Pinkie was going on about. I considered Cheerilee to be one of my friends after I had helped her with a number of school projects and her help with making sure I was covering everything I should for Spike’s education, but I wasn’t sure why Pinkie was acting like she was introducing her all over again.
“Pinkie!” Cheerilee said in a harsh whisper. “I already told you, I’m already dating Big Macintosh.”
Pinkie tilted her head. “And?”
Cheerilee facehoofed and let out a long sigh. “This just isn’t happening, Pinkie. Just take my word for it.”
My eyebrow rose as I tried to piece together what they were talking about. “What’s going on here?”
Everypony looked at one another, except Applejack, who was glowering in Pinkie’s direction. “Yeah, what’s goin’ on here, Pinks? Twi and mah cousin were gettin’ along like a pig and mud.”
“I was just hoping to add more getting along.” Pinkie wrapped a leg around Cheerilee’s neck, and Cheerilee frowned irritably. “The more getting along everypony is doing the better things are going, right?”
Applejack pushed herself between Pinkie and Cheerilee and faced Pinkie. “An’ Cheerilee ain’t interested. She said so herself.” She turned to face Cheerilee. “Ah’m sorry about this. Ya know how Pinkie can get sometimes.”
Cheerilee put on a smile for us all. “It’s alright.” She gave Pinkie a friendly pat on the back. “Thanks, but no thanks, Pinkie. I know you’re just trying to be a good friend, but I’m just not looking for anypony else right now.”
Pinkie waved Cheerilee goodbye as she walked away. “Okie dokie lokie, enjoy the rest of the party!”
I turned to Applejack and Pinkie, Apple Fritter seemed to have slunk away without me noticing during whatever it was that Pinkie was pulling. “Okay, seriously, what is this all about?”
Pinkie batted her eyes at me. “Nooothing.”
Applejack looked up and away from me and was biting her lower lip. “Just one of Pinkie’s usual parties. Yessiree, just a normal get together between friends. That’s all there is to it.”
I had a feeling something was up, but I couldn’t put my hoof on it. Both Applejack and Pinkie were acting ... off somehow. Well, Pinkie was always off in her own special way, but this was something else. I could tell the two of them were up to something. I just wasn’t sure what.
I was about to inquire further when I saw Rainbow Dash zip into Sugarcube Corner. She flashed us a confident grin. “Hey, Twilight. Come on out. I got something to show you!”
Applejack continued to avoid eye contact with me while Pinkie had taken to doing the same while whistling. I considered continuing to press the two of them, but I could tell from the way Dash was tapping her hoof on the floor that she was about five seconds away from dragging me outside if I didn’t come with her right away.
After a sign, I nodded my head. “Alright, show me what it is.”
“Awesome!” Dash flew back outside, leaving me to catch up with her. I exited Sugarcube Corner to see Dash standing in the middle of the street, smiling expectantly at me. Blossomforth was standing next to her and was shifting uncomfortably on her hooves. Dash pointed down the street. “So what do you think?”
By the looks of it, the obstacle course I had seen earlier had become even more elaborate than last time I had seen it: numerous hoops, bars, and other obstacles were periodically placed along the street, all of which were on fire. I was about to ask Dash if this was what she wanted me to see when I was cut off by an explosion. I could only watch on in amazement and horror as I saw at least a dozen pegasi flying through the inferno of a race course as they banked and wove through the obstacles and dodged the strategically placed explosives.
In the flash of an explosion, I almost missed a jasmine-coated mare whiz by me and cross the finish line. And by that I mean she was sent tumbling by the last set of explosions and rolled through the line that had been set up to mark the end of the race. Her coat and wings were singed, and she panted for breath.
The mare pointed a shaky hoof at Rainbow Dash. “I hate you ... so very much right now,” she said, malice filling every word.
Dash was busy marking something down on a clipboard as more exhausted and crispy pegasi finished the race. “Don’t be a wuss, Raindrops. You won. That’s what counts. The explosions aren’t even that bad, mostly just big flashbangs to scare you all a bit.” Raindrops mumbled something about terrible revenge as she continued to gasp for air. I watched on as I tried to figure out what I had just witnessed.
Dash made a final mark on her clipboard and quickly nodded once. “Radical, we didn’t even lose anypony this time around.”
A stallion with a midnight-blue coat caught enough of a breath to yell at Dash. “You’re insane! This is suicide!” With that, he collapsed onto the ground in a heap.
Dash flashed the stallion a grin. “Depending on how fast you can run and dodge.” She gave Blossomforth a light jab to the shoulder. “You sure you don’t want to join? If you’re fast, I’m sure you could get through the Flaming Obstacle Course of Lovey Doom. I’ll even let you skip the Racetrack of Burning and the Explodimania Talent Competition of Fire considering you’re one of my pals.”
Blossomforth narrowed her eyes at Dash. “I think I’d rather not risk being set on fire.”
Dash shrugged and went back to looking at her clipboard. “Your loss. Now you’re not going to get to read epic love poetry to the ponyquin that’s on fire.”
“I think I’ll live,” Blossomforth said dismissively. “In fact, I’m pretty sure not participating will increase my chances of living to old age.”
“Rainbow Dash”— I pointed to the obstacle course that was now in the process of burning down —“what is all this?”
“Oh, this?” Dash rubbed a hoof on her chest and then casually inspected it. “I’m just trying to get you the best date ever!”
I just stared at Dash, my brain having trouble processing what I had just seen versus what she had just said. “What?” was the best my brilliant mind could come up with.
Dash wrapped a leg around my shoulders and pointed me at the recovering pegasi. “Keep up, Twilight. I’ve set up a bunch of awesome, death defying, and radical contests to determine who should get the right to date you. Isn’t that the coolest thing ever?”
So very many questions went through my mind. At a loss on where to start, I went with one of the ones that stood out more. “Why do all of your tests involve fire?”
“Fire is cool,” Dash said confidently.
“Actually, fire’s hot,” said Pinkie, wrapping a leg around Dash’s shoulders and lining the three of us up.
I let out a long, patient sigh as I facehoofed. “Yeah, it sure is, Pinkie.”
“Will you jump through a bunch of burning hoops to show your love for me?” Pinkie nuzzled Dash’s cheek.
“Yeah, sure Pinks.” Dash turned to face me again, looking as though she barely even considered what Pinkie had said. “Oh, and the best part, Twilight? The final test has fire and explosions. There’re going to be so many awesome stunts for the last part!”
I moved onto the next question that my head demanded an answer for. “Are you trying to get somepony killed?”
Dash’s mouth turned up in a confident smirk. “Relax, Twi, I know what I'm doing. Well, it’s Blossomforth and Pinks who set everything up—so it’s technically them who know what they’re doing. But they're doing what I tell them to, so it's kinda the same.” She waved a hoof to dismiss any objections. “Besides, everypony volunteered.”
Blossomforth raised her hoof. “For the record, I’m only doing this because I’m getting paid overtime.”
“And how did Dash manage that without getting into trouble?” I asked.
“I marked it down as part of a team building exercise for Tornado Day,” Dash said proudly.
I rubbed my forehead. “I'm not sure which I should be more concerned by, that or the fact you managed to convince a bunch of ponies to do this..”
Dash beamed at the comment. “What can I say? I'm awesome.”
“The fact you managed to pull this off does say something, that's for sure,” I said.
Dash let go of me to fly forward and pull a couple of exhausted looking ponies further away from the flaming wreckage that had been her obstacle course. “Hey, Twi, you know how to make explosives, right? Phase six needs more kaboom.”
I stared at the ponies who were trying to recover from Dash’s treatment of them. “I'm not sure I feel comfortable making explosives so you can threaten to blow up a bunch of ponies.”
“I won't blow them up,” Dash said dismissively. “Probably. Unless they really stink at dodging. Then you can probably blame Blossomforth or Pinkie.”
“Hey!” Blossomforth jabbed a hoof into Dash’s shoulder. “Take responsibility for your own crazy plans!”
Dash snorted derisively. “My plan is perfect. It’s up to everypony to pull it off.”
There were so many things wrong with this situation I wasn’t even sure where to start. “You realize not everypony is a daredevil like you, right? As in they might not be able to handle something this ... outlandish?”
“Hey, if they can't handle it, they shouldn't have signed up,” Dash said obstinately.
I could only describe all of this as madness. “And you got everypony to agree to this crazy series of tests ... how?”
Dash leaned on my shoulder. “Guess they really wanna date you, egghead.”
That’s when my second major line of questioning finally rammed into the forefront of my thoughts like a charging Ursa Major. I think I can be forgiven on taking a little bit for getting to this topic. Fire and explosions are distracting. “Wait, what!?”
Dash vigorously nodded. “Yeah, that's what the contest is for. You can bet I’ll find the bestest pony for you.”
There were so many reasons why all of this didn’t add up. “Where did this suddenly come from?” I pointed at Dash’s contestants and the flaming wreckage. “Who said I wanted all of this? For that matter, how does it show that they're qualified to date me?”
“I'm helping you out,” she said as though what she were doing was the most natural thing in the world. “This will totally show who the bestest, most awesome, cool, and radical pony is for you. Besides me that is. It’s something a friend would do for another, right? Help them get the best date ever?”
“That is technically accurate,” I had to admit. “So ... thank you?”
“No need to thank me; it was no trouble at all,” she said, showing all the modesty of a peacock. “Though you can if you want to.”
“The lengths you will go to show your friendship are beyond anything I would expect out of anypony,” I said flatly. Dash preened at the compliment. I felt a moment of dizziness as everything that was happening crashed down on me. Why in the world was Dash trying to get me a date and in the most outlandish way possible? “I think I'm going to need to sit down for a moment; this is a bit much for me.”
Dash patted me on the back. “Yeah, the awesome levels here are pretty high.”
I sat down as I tried to process everything. “‘Awesome’ is one word to describe all of this, that I have to admit.”
Dash grinned and put a wing around my shoulders. “Nothing less than the best is good enough for you, Twilight.” She turned to face the gathered ponies in the street. “Alright everypony! Rarity has been getting on my case to make this whole thing sappy and romantic, so you guys have to come up with some love poetry or something so she'll stop bugging me. But! We can kick things up a notch so this won't be completely boring.”
Raindrops dragged herself to her hooves. “Lemme guess, your idea involves adding fire and/or explosives?”
“Hay yeah!” Dash pumped a hoof into the air. “There’s nothing that can’t be made better with explosions!”
Raindrops let out a frustrated groan. “Nope, nope, I'm done. Bye.”
Dash’s lips puckered into a pout. “Aw c'mon! You haven't even gotten to the best part yet!”
Raindrops rolled her eyes. “Does it involve a race with you? Only with fire and explosives this time?”
“Yeah.” Dash nodded. “Through the Ghastly Gorge.”
A pegasus flying above placed a hoof above his eyes as he looked out over the horizon. “Did you set the Ghastly Gorge on fire!?”
“Only a couple parts,” said Dash. “You can't have the fire and the explosives too close together. Doesn’t take an egghead to figure out that much.”
“Where did you even get all the supplies for this?” Blossomforth tapped the top of a crate that was lying on the side of the street. “You have enough plastic explosives to start a war.”
Dash pointed at her fillyfriend. “Pinkie Pie.” The idea that Pinkie could get crates full of explosives, mainly just to help with one of her fillyfriend’s plans, was more than a little terrifying.
Raindrops rubbed at her eyes and groaned. “There is a fine line between genius and madness. This just crossed over into stupid.”
“Stupidly awesome?” asked Dash, more as a statement then a question.
“Oh, I think this meets with the definition of awesome too,” I commented. Needless to say, it probably covered the stupid category by a safe margin also.
Blossomforth facehoofed. “I don't get paid enough to deal with this.”
“You get paid more than I do,” Raindrops grumbled. “At least your getting overtime for this madness.”
I walked over to one of the crates lining the road and looked inside to see a distressing number of explosives and equipment to help set them up. “How in Equestria did she convince you all to do this?”
Raindrops stretched her back and wings, eliciting a series of pops. “Seemed like good flying practice. And Pinkie promised free food afterwards.”
Pinkie nodded sagely. “You can convince ponies to go along with all sorts of things for free food.”
“Yeah, free food helps too,” Blossomforth agreed.
“Also, it didn't sound like a bad idea when Dash first talked about it.” Raindrops shot Dash a menacing glare. “She didn't mention the explosives and incendiaries.”
“Well yeah.” Dash gave Raindrop a cocky smirk. “Those were surprises. Need to keep all of you on the tips of your hooves.”
Blossomforth looked across the half dozen crates that I feared had once been filled with explosives. “Have to wonder how you would have gotten all the bombs set up without me.”
Dash poked Pinkie in the shoulder with an elbow. “Pinkie knows a lot about explosives.”
Pinkie leaned her head against Dash’s. “Yep, it turns out ya need to get a couple licences to own a party cannon.”
“Well, now I have something new to be terrified of,” Raindrops grumbled some more.
Dash wrapped a leg around Pinkie’s neck as she looked at the rest of us. “Oh c'mon, she's not that bad.”
“Don't worry girls,” Pinkie chirped. “I know all about blowing things up from my time on the rock farm. Sometimes you had to teach some of the really big and meanie rocks a lesson and turn them into a bunch of small and happy rocks you can move around.”
Blossomforth raised her hoof. “I'm not the only one who wants to ask more questions every time she gives an answer, right?”
I rubbed the sides of my head, feeling what was most definitely a headache coming on. “You're happier not knowing. Trust me.” The world was just better off not knowing a lot of things about Pinkie Pie.
Pinkie gave us all an innocent smile. “I'm a mystery, inside of an enigma, inside a bunch of colorfully-wrapped boxes.”
Dash shrugged. “Eh, you're awesome.”
Pinkie firmly poked Dash in the snout. “Thank you! And you're radical, and cool, and all those other words you really like to say all the time.” She gave Dash a big hug and nuzzled her.
“Thanks, Pinks.” Dash hugged Pinkie back.
I took a deep breath as I tried to take stock of everything that was going on. Everypony had been acting off today for some reason, and now Dash was making a bunch of ponies put life and limb on the line. Apparently for the chance to get a date with me, or just a chance to prove themselves and/or get free food.
I decided to calmly and rationally try and bring an end to this madness. Who knows, it might even work. “Dash, you seriously don't need to do all of this. I’m not sure what made you suddenly decided I needed a date, but I’m fine, really.”
Dash frowned at me. “But I just wanna find you an awesome pony, Twi.”
I had known Dash long enough that I was at risk of hurting her feelings right now. “I know, I know, but ... I didn't expect all of this. I don't even know why this suddenly came up. Maybe I'll just go into Sugarcube Corner and sit down for a bit until you get your winner.”
Dash’s ears drooped slightly. “You don't wanna watch?”
I closed my eyes and rubbed at my face. “I'm just ... a bit overwhelmed at the moment.”
Dash's ears perked back up. “Oh. Alright then. I guess it is a lot to take in at once.”
“Yeah, it kind of is,” I agreed. That was putting it mildly, to say the least. I suppose I should have felt flattered due to all the effort Dash was putting into this. It was hard to imagine that Dash didn’t think this was a great idea, no matter how misguided. Dash just had her own way of doing things.
“Alright.” There was a moment of silence between us before Dash spoke up again. “You will be here for the final round, right?”
I ran a hoof through my mane. “Yeah, I think I'll just head back into Sugarcube Corner for a bit and absorb all of this.” Maybe I could get some answers on why Dash was doing all of this from my other friends.
“Cool, cool.” Dash nodded. “I'll come get you for the finals then.”
I stood up, my balance a bit more precarious than I would have liked. “Sounds good. I'll see you in a bit then.” Looking at the ponies who had participated, I wasn’t sure I wanted to think what Dash’s big finale would be.
I walked back into the Sugarcube Corner. The party seemed to still be in the swing of it. Looking around, I saw Fluttershy and Rarity standing off to a wall near the concessions table. I was nearly stopped a couple of times by ponies who wanted to chit-chat, but I managed to excuse myself to reach Rarity and Fluttershy.
“Hi, girls,” I said, working my way past the last couple of ponies standing between me and my friends.
Fluttershy turned my way and smiled. “Hi, it’s nice to see you.”
“Why, hello, Twilight,” said Rarity. “It’s good to see that you came.”
I decided to get to the heart of what I was thinking at the moment. “So ... Dash is up to some interesting things.”
“Is she now?” Rarity asked in a haughty manner.
Fluttershy hunched her shoulders and frowned. “Oh, yes, she asked if I wanted to participate. I had to tell her no. Explosions scare me. They’re too loud for me.”
“You don’t say?” I replied to Fluttershy. After a moment's consideration, I decided I might as well get to the bottom of what was going on outside the Sugarcube. “Funny enough, she said she was trying to get me a date with this crazy contest of hers. You two wouldn’t happen to know anything about this, would you?”
Fluttershy scrapped a hoof on the floor. “Um, maybe?”
Rarity took a sip from the cup she was carrying with her telekinesis. “I’m sure she has the best intentions.”
“And where did she come up with the idea that I needed a date?” I snapped. I had a feeling my friends were up to something behind my back. This whole situation just struck me as odd. It just didn’t strike me right that Dash would suddenly decide she needed to find me a date on her own.
“Now, Twilight, just calm down and give us a moment to explain.” Rarity poured a cup of what was probably punch from the concessions table and floated it towards me. “How about you just get a quick something to drink? You’re starting to look flustered.”
I took hold of the cup, snapping it from Rarity’s telekinesis a little more roughly than I intended. “Okay, let’s have a talk. I’m sure there is a logical explanation for why Dash is nearly getting a bunch of ponies blown up.”
“Hiya, girls,” Applejack said, walking up to the rest of us, interrupting Rarity before she could even start to give me an explanation for what was going on. Besides her was a maroon-coated stallion who gave us all a friendly nod. “Y’all haven’t met my cousin Cinnamon Apple, have ya?” Rarity vigorously shook her head and a hoof at Applejack. “What? I was just wantin’ ta introduce mah cousin here ta Twi.” She gave Rarity a long wink.
I narrowed my eyes at the ponies around me. “Uh-huh.” I took a long sip from my cup while I reviewed everything that had happened since Pinkie showed up at the library to drag me here.
That’s when I got ambushed from behind by a very enthusiastic pony. “So have ya banged Cloud Kicker yet? 'Cause lemme tell ya, she's super-duperriffic in the sack!” Pinkie chirped. I choked on my drink, coughing violently as the punch burned my throat.
“So is that a yes spit-take or a no-spit take?” Pinkie asked. “I have a lot of trouble telling the difference most of the time.”
Fluttershy placed a hoof on my back as I continued to hack. “Are you okay?” It was a little hard to give her an answer when I was worried about losing a lung due to my coughing fit.
Rarity whispered something into Applejack’s ear. Applejack eyes widened and she turned to her cousin. “Um, Cinnamon? This probably ain’t the best time. How about ya just enjoy some of the food Pinkie has set up?”
“Sure thing, cousin.” Cinnamon nodded his head and walked off to the concessions table.
“No, Pinkie,” I managed to wheeze out. “I didn’t ‘bang’ Cloud Kicker.” I glowered at my over-enthusiastic friend. “And I’m not going to, and I wish everypony would stop asking if I had. And even if I had, I’m not sure if it’s your or anypony else’s business.” It had been a very long week, and I could feel my patience quickly running out. Pinkie coming out of nowhere to ask me if I had intercourse with Cloud Kicker was a lot of straw dumped onto an already overburdened camel.
Pinkie flinched back away from me. “I was just curious. No need to be a grumpy-pants about it.”
I took a long breath to try and calm myself. “Sorry, but I can’t help but feel everypony has been planning behind my back. This whole party is putting me on edge. What’s this party for again?”
Pinkie busily tossed down some paper towels to clean up the mess I had made by spitting onto the floor. “That’s a secret. Well, it was after everypony convinced me to call it a Don’t-Tell-Twilight-Why-We’re-Having-This-Party Party.”
“And why can’t I know why we’re having this party?” I asked.
“Pinkie, no—” Rarity tried to interject.
Pinkie ran right over Rarity’s attempt to keep her from answering. “Because everypony said it would be insensitive to call it a Hopefully-Twilight-Won't-Die-A-Virgin-But-Is-Totally-Okay-With-Being-Single Party.”
“A what party?” It took me a few seconds to begin to process this.
Rarity put a hoof on my shoulder. “Just give us a minute to explain, darling.”
Applejack stomped a hoof. “There’s no point in dancing around the issue, Rares. Ya know we shoulda just come out and been honest with Twi right from the start.”
“I didn’t want to make a big deal of it,” Fluttershy piped in.
“Come out with what?” I growled. “Can I just get a straight answer here?”
“Well...” Rarity bit her lower lip. “It’s just that—”
“We were worried that you were going to die an old spinster,” Pinkie cut in. “I mean, we’ve never seen you date, or be all kissy-smoochy with anypony, or do anything even kinda romantic. We’ve all joked that you were going to end up marrying a book someday. Though I’m not sure that’s actually legal...”
“That’s what this is all about?” I couldn’t help but let accusation find its way into my tone. “You’re trying to trick me into finding a date?”
“Pinkie put it a bit strong, Twi,” Applejack said soothingly. “We’re just tryin’ ta get ya out a bit more. See a few more ponies ya might like.”
“Girls, I’m not even sure what to say right now.” What in the world made them think I needed a date? “I don’t need help finding a date or a special somepony or whatever. I’m fine as I am.”
Fluttershy pawed at the ground. “We’re just trying to help you. We don’t want you to feel lonely.”
“I’m not lonely,” I insisted. “And I’m not looking for a date. I have more than enough on my plate as it is without wasting time on something frivolous like this.”
Rarity placed a hoof on my shoulder. “Twilight, I don’t think—”
Rarity was cut off when Dash came crashing into the Sugarcube and landed by us. “Hey, Twilight. C’mon! It’s time for the final contest to get you the best date ever! We just finished the Epic Poetry Bash. I thought it was going to be completely lame, but then Flitter busted out this radical thing that got us all to start singing and stuff. There were fireworks and everything, and now I’m totally pumped for the run through Ghastly Gorge.”
My hoof failed to resist the gravity of my face. I just wanted this nonsense to stop. “Dash, as I was telling everypony else, I’m not looking for a date.”
“What?!” Dash pointed back out the main door to the Sugarcube. “But everypony worked so hard to get to the end of this, and you want to stop it now? That isn’t cool.”
Pinkie moved to stand next to Dash. “Yeah, you know how hard it was to set up that many explosives? It took forever and ever to do. Not to mention getting this party ready.”
Rarity stepped between me and Dash and Pinkie. “Girls, maybe we should—”
“Maybe you should have asked me before you started all of this?” I snapped.
Dash moved forward to get into my face. “Hey, we’re just trying to help ya out! Maybe we don’t want you to die alone!”
The comment caused me to stiffen. I moved around Dash to leave the Sugarcube. I was through with this foolishness. “That’s it, I’m out of here!” What was so hard to understand that I didn’t need a special somepony? I was fine.
Fluttershy trotted to keep up with me. “Please calm down. Everypony is just trying to help. Dash and anypony else didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.”
Rarity was right on our heels. “Let’s talk this through. Everypony is just hot under the collar.”
I felt claustrophobic as my friends started following me and surrounding me. It was becoming too much for me to handle all at once. I could tell none of them were going to leave me alone at this rate, and I wasn’t likely get back to the library without everypony following me. My horn glowed as I pulled on my magic and concentrated. With a flash of magic, I teleported back to the library. My nice, quiet, peaceful library. I was alone, without anypony to bother me to say I was lonely.
I leaned my head against one of the bookshelves and sighed. “I forgot Spike.”
***
I was busy cutting arcane symbols into the brass ring that was my new summoning circle. My small chisel and hammer carved out exact grooves into the brass with methodical precision, only stopping when I reviewed one of my books on summoning to double check that I was doing everything exactly so. It wouldn’t do to make a minor mistake with my craftmareship. I had been working on the summoning circle since I got back from that preposterous party. I needed something, anything to take my mind off of what happened earlier, and the monotonous but intensive work of symbol carving was what the doctor ordered.
There was some guilt over leaving Spike at the party, but I didn’t want to face my friends at that moment. It felt like I was just going to get into a big argument with them if I went back. Besides, it wasn’t like my friends wouldn’t take care of Spike. He could use some time to get out and enjoy himself anyways. Pinkie would make sure he had fun, if nothing else.
After working on my circle for an hour, I heard somepony knocking. Given the late hour, I could narrow the pool of ponies who were probably at the door to a pretty short list. If it was Spike, he would have come in, given this was his home. So that left a hooffull of ponies who probably wanted to talk with me. I considered not answering the door for a long moment but decided against it. Being outright rude wouldn’t have helped anypony. If need be, I could just ask whoever was at my door to come by when I was in a better mood. I put down my tools and walked to the front door. Opening it, I saw Rarity standing there with Spike lying across her back.
Rarity gave me a strained smile. “Hello, Twilight.”
“Hi, Rarity,” I said, my tone more icy than I intended.
Rarity turned so that I could get a better look at Spike. “I brought Spike back now that the festivities are over.”
Spike’s arms were wrapped around his stomach and he moaned pitifully. “I had too much cake.”
I wrapped Spike in my telekinetic field and placed him on my own back. “Thanks ... That means a lot. I should have brought him with me or went back for him, but...” I trailed off, too embarrassed and annoyed to go on. Rarity had gone through the effort to bring Spike home, and I didn’t want to snap at her after she had done that for me.
Rarity took a tentative step forward. “Could I please come in? I’d like to talk.” I chewed over whether I wanted to let her in or not. “Please?”
I sighed and nodded. This was probably going to happen sooner or later, and admittedly, the work on my summoning circle had calmed me down a bit since I teleported away from the party. “Yeah, okay.” I stepped out of the doorway to allow Rarity to enter the library. “Can I just take Spike to bed first? He looks like he’s done for the day.”
Rarity entered the library and closed the door after herself. “Of course, take care of the darling first.”
“Thanks.” I climbed the stairs to our private quarters. Spike groaned in protest as he got bumped around by the ascent. “I told you not to eat too much cake, Spike.”
“But it was sooo good,” he moaned.
I levitated Spike carefully into the basket that served as his bed. I retrieved some medicine from the bathroom to help with Spike’s tummyache. “Here, take this,” I said, pouring a small cup of the syrupy medicine. Spike grunted and drank it without protest. Even foul-tasting medicine didn’t bother him. That done, I put the bottle and cup away in the bathroom.
When I returned to the bedroom, I saw that Spike had closed his eyes and rolled over to his side. I pulled up his blanket make sure he was comfortably covered. “Goodnight, Spike. I love you.” I leaned down and kissed him on the forehead. Spike groaned and pulled his blanket tighter around himself. Luckily, it looked like he was going to be fine enough that he was going to be able to sleep without any problems. Even when he had gotten into this kind of condition, he was usually fine after a good night’s rest. Not much kept a dragon down for long.
With Spike taken care of, it was time to deal with the other problem facing me. Back downstairs, it looked like Rarity had made herself comfortable lying on a cushion by the library’s central table and had pulled a book off the shelf to read.
I cleared my throat to catch Rarity’s attention. “So, talking?”
Rarity closed the book she had been reading and placed it on the table. “If you don’t mind.” She motioned towards a cushion by her. “Why don’t you sit down? This might take a while.”
Seeing no reason not to other than out of pure spite, I did so. “So, shall we start with how my feelings were kinda hurt, or do you want to explain everything first?” Okay, so I might have been a bit bitter about what happened earlier. In my defense, it had been a long week.
“Okay, yes. I will admit that could have gone better.” Rarity placed a hoof on my own. “But I assure you our friends had the best intentions.”
“So you’re placing yourself separate from them?” I asked, a note of suspicious creeping into my tone.
Rarity sighed and looked down at the table. “Yes and no. We talked about it, and while I didn’t agree with how they did everything, sometimes you don’t have any choice but to go with the majority opinion. In any event, I still stand by their intentions. Even if their methods were ... less than ideal.”
“I don’t need a date,” I grumbled. “I don’t know what made any of you think that.”
Rarity leaned closer to me. “Twilight, can I be frank with you?”
I considered Rarity’s question. Given the two of us were sitting here, talking, I decided we might as well bring everything out into the open. “Okay, go ahead.”
Rarity nodded slowly and leaned back. “We’re just concerned for you, is all. We couldn’t help but noticed that you ... haven’t made romantic pursuits since coming to Ponyville. It’s been a joke around town that you spent Hearts and Hooves Day with your one true love, books.”
My ear flicked at that comment. So what if I wanted to spend my holidays with a good book? Nothing wrong with that. “Nooo, that’s because I’m too busy to be doing that type of thing,” I stated calmly.
Rarity huffed. “Now that just isn’t true. I run my own business, keep up a social life, and help raise my sister, but I still make time for trying to find my one true love.”
“I guess that’s just a higher priority for you then,” I rationalized.
“And I think it should be a higher priority for you.” Rarity placed a hoof on my shoulder. “It’s just that we don’t want you to be alone. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been mingling as much since Pinkie and Rainbow Dash have started dating, and Applejack and I”— she paused almost imperceptibly —“have been spending more time together. We don’t want you to feel like you’ve been left out in the cold.”
“It’s fine,” I insisted. I stood up, lifting up the book Rarity had taken down—some book on historical fashion trends—and looked to reshelve it. “I’m not jealous or anything. I’m happy for all of you. Life moves onwards.”
Rarity rose to stand next to me as I perused the bookshelves. “Tell me, have you ever been on a date before?”
I froze at the question. “What does it matter? That’s kinda personal, don’t you think?”
Rarity tsked at me. “Maybe for complete strangers, but we’ve been friends for nearly two years now. You trust me, don’t you?”
“Of course I do,” I said without hesitation.
“So answer my question, have you ever been on a date before?” she asked. “Kissed another pony? Asked somepony out? Gone to a dance?”
“No,” I stated. “I’ve never been on a date or any of that. It’s just never been important to me.”
Rarity stared at me for a moment, her expression unreadable. She placed a hoof against my shoulder. “Now, I understand that becoming romantically involved can be intimidating, I really do. And you had trouble just making friends before coming to Ponyville. Romance and dating is on an even higher level than friendship.”
“I’m not intimidated,” I huffed, finally finding where the spot for the book Rarity had taken down. I shoved the book into place with a loud thud. I used only slightly more force than was necessary. “Maybe I’m just not interested in that type of thing.”
Rarity frowned. “You’re telling me you’ve never looked at another pony that way before? Come now, I have trouble believing that.”
“Well I haven’t. I just don’t look at other ponies like that.” I plopped down on a cushion by the table. “It’s just not for me.”
Rarity sat down next to me. “It’s not just that. I’m ... concerned about the time you are spending with Cloud Kicker. I’m worried she might take advantage of you, even if not intentionally on her part, of your inexperience. She has quite a bit of experience at ... socializing, while you don’t.”
I rolled my eyes. Great, it all came back to Cloud Kicker again. I wonder if I should blame her for the party earlier? “I’m not going to sleep with her, if that’s your worry. I can barely stand her. The sooner I’m done with my report on her the better.”
Rarity bit her lower lip. “If you say so.”
I crossed my forelegs over my chest. “I do.”
“Still, I do worry.” Rarity wrapped one of her legs around mine. “I don’t want you to get hurt when you don’t need to be.”
With a patient sigh, I nodded. “I’m fine, really, I am.” I rubbed my forehead. “You don’t need to worry about me.”
Rarity gave me a comforting nuzzle on the cheek. “Do you at least understand why we all set that party up?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I turned to look her in the eyes. “Funny enough, I figured you would be the first one to jump on trying to get me a date.”
Rarity smiled at that. “Yes, I suppose I do take a bit of pride in being able to find the right ponies for one another. But I didn’t want to throw any proposed date of my own onto the proverbial dogpile in this case.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Why?”
Rarity ran a hoof through her mane to help puff it back up. “Because, when I introduce one pony to another, I want to make sure they have a real connection. You see, a diamond needs to be displayed in such a way as to augment its beauty. You don’t just throw it into a pile of rocks and expect it to be properly admired.”
“Uh-huh.” I chewed over that. I had to wonder if Rarity was just biding her time at this point. “But you do understand that I’m just not interested in the dating thing, right?”
Rarity let out a huff. “If you say so. Though I wish you would at least think it over. I assure you, there wouldn’t be any harm in at least trying to date another pony. I think you would like it.”
I rubbed at my eyes, exhaustion starting to wear me down. “Okay, I’ll at least think about it if it will make you happy.”
“That’s all I ask for.” Rarity wrapped me up in a friendly hug. “We just want you to be happy.”
I hugged her back. “Yeah, I know.” Even if they sometimes went about it the wrong way, it was comforting to know my friends were looking out for me.
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This chapter will teach you the following:
-How to set up a friend with a family member of yours.
-How to set up the most awesome test for a date ever.
-How to leave a young dragon unattended.
-And how to completely go about things the wrong way in setting up a friend with a date.
Over-the-top ponies are over-the-top.
Maybe Twilight should bang Cloud Kicker, just to get them to stop -- no, neither one would go for that. Or rather, Cloud might not want to stop.
2442372
Wouldn't have 'em any other way, mate.
One has to feel a little miffed on Twilight's behalf, given that one (pre-Lichdom) held a similar position; one does not need romantic involvement to define one's worth or position in the world, nor to be happy. I'd have been a great deal more... reactionary... than Twilight was; she took it rather well, I thought...
Of course, the "romance" tag somewhat undermines that line of thinking and implies Twilight is perhaps more, for want of a less... overstated phrase, "in denial", if you follow me, rather than genuninely completely disinterested.
For a while I thought Twilight was making a new summoning circle there to summon Spike back without having to go through the awkwardness of meeting anybody. Made sense at the time.
Amethyst?
Oh lord. This is a "set Twilight up on a date" party, isn't it.
Dash is the best kind of straightforward. Blatantly, no apologies straightforward.
To be fair, Pinkie is also pretty blunt.
Er, make that very blunt. And yes, that would be just a tad insensitive.
We need a bonus chapter of some sort for the Epic Poetry Bash.
You know... I'm not sure if Pinkie and Rainbow Dash actually have a good relationship. It is almost one sided, like Pinkie is in love and Rainbow is there because she likes the super close friendship. That make sense to anyone?
Asexual Twilight? Too early to say definitively, and I get the feeling that I'm opening a can of worms best left closed...
In any case, a delightful study in the myriad methods of how worst to find a significant other for a friend. I can't help but wonder what Cloud Kicker thought of the whole enterprise.
Oh my dear lord I nearly killed myself laughing at this chapter.
Also:
Ack, my lungs. At that whole part.
An update to a winningverse story? there is but one response.
2442619ReadRead the various Winningverse stories from Dash's perspective, here,here, and here. every time Dash mentions pinkie in those stories, she more or less says that she dose love Pinkie, but doesn't want to move as fast as pinkie dose. from what I've been able to tell the only reason dear Pinkamena has yet to taste the Rainbow is because Dashie is uncomfortable letting ponies mess around back there, and as Winning Pony 14 shows, she's starting to get over that. Take into account that the first Winningverse story published, here, was a RainbowPie shipfic, and you begin to see that as far as the winning veres is conserned the two Best Ponies are in love.
~Bookmark
2442815She's also taken, read the rest of the Winningverse.
Well, knowing what happens during Tornado Duty week, this chapter casts some interesting light on the reasons... And I'm not sure if they're good or bad. The whole thing actually makes me a bit uneasy, although the context of everything we've seen so far doesn't suggest I should be.
2442245
I dunno, could have used more explosions
2442619 It's cannon for this universe, sorta. Dash does love her though, she's just not good at showing it, and may not be very sexually attracted to anypony.
2442598 This of course shows one way they so fit together though. Both have all the subtlety of a steamroller.
2442619 It's very hard to say. We have only really seen them in public where Rainbow feels pressured to maintain her cool persona so there is no way she will initiate anything or show much affection to Pinkie. The other problem is that Rainbow has trouble expressing her softer side so what she feels may not be reflected in her words and actions. The final hurdle is that Rainbow is extremely focused on becoming a Wonderbolt so she has never really made time for romance before which further adds to the difficulty of getting an accurate read off her as she tries to avoid making a mistake due to her inexperience.
That said, it was Pinkie that initiated this relationship and Rainbow was very oblivious to her advances so it is entirely possible that she is just being dragged along without really knowing what she is feeling. I very much doubt she has the experience or wisdom to tell a close friendship or sexual attraction from love so she could very easily be going along with it to keep things from getting awkward between the two. If this is the case then the most likely result is a major disaster somewhere down the line when Pinkie tries to push things too far, although something (like Rainbow joining the Wonderbolts) could happen to separate them and let them drift apart quietly.
2442948
2442372
You kidding? Blossomforth, Derpy, and Dash would put all twelve horseshoes up CK's rump, and I'm pretty sure even she can't take that many.
a-woops
Idk, I kinda feel like the obstacle course is a bit beyond even the Pinkie/Dash crazymash, and I really doubt that anyone else would go with it...
*shrug* meh, we'll see where things go from here
Explosives/pyrotechnics experience... I had already gotten the impression that Blossomforth was one less friend away from becoming prime supervillain material, but that's just adding more fuel to the fire (if you'll pardon the pun).
2442867
Are you sure about that? Because it looks to me like this chapter is about how Best Pony isn't in love with anyone. And second best pony is...well, she hasn't been on screen much, but it doesn't seem like she's currently attached.
2443358Pinkie and Rainbow are Best Ponies. In the Winningverse, they are in love. Thus, I am correct in my statement, and there for sure. just out of curiosity, who do you think are best ponies? rereading the chapter Fluttershy is one obviously, who is the other?
2443389
Actually, I wasn't referring to Fluttershy at all (given the whole thing with Kicker recently, I'd say she's still effectively attached to Kicker).
The obvious one was
(this whole chapter is, after all, about how she isn't in love with anyone and her friends trying to fix that). The less obvious one was Princess Luna. She doesn't have much screen time, but if the ending of Winning Pony 5 wasn't a dream (or maybe if it was, given the whole dreamwalking thing), she probably isn't in a relationship.
As for Rainbow being one of the Best Ponies...okay, she's up there, but not in the top two. As for Pinkie being a Best Pony....
DIE, HERETICwe'll have to agree to disagree. She's not bad on the show, but her raison d'être is to be a Loony Toons character IN EQUESTRIA, so she loses a lot of her charm in written works2443466OK I Derped, in a bad way, and thought you were referring to the LaToaWP chapter I linked to, as apposed to this chapter here. for your argument against The Pink One and her Chromatic lover being best ponies, 1) pinkies reason for living is not to be a loony toon but to make other ponies smile, he tooniness is but a relatively small part of her character. and 2)
would you like acupcakeBURN BLASPHOMERI will politely disagree.2443181 I think Cloudy would say, "Hey, I'll try anything once, and all three at once! WIN!!"
Commence read.
This train of thought...Still pondering it...
Twilight...that sounded a bit....I don't know...
Aw... I was a bit busy so only managed to look over half of the chapter.
"I'm not"? What's that got to do with the question "you've never looked at another pony that way before"?
In any case, Demolitions Expert Pinkie Pie makes surprisingly a lot of sense.
Also, that party scene, might just be me, but I recall having read "It took me a moment to process that" or something similar a little too often.
Otherwise, solid chapter. The Rainbow Dash derby contest definitively earned a few hearty laughs out of me. Raindrop's reaction was especially priceless.
2442867 While it is true that Rainbow does have strong feelings for Pinkie, I'm more wondering if they are enough, or if they are genuine. Not to say that Rainbow is leading Pinkie on, but rather that she feels like these should be her feelings. Sometimes people don't fully understand what they are actually feeling, and only latter figure it out.
I just find that when the two are together that... well Rainbow is still treating it like a friendship, a deeper friendship, but still that. Maybe it is just the whole she doesn't like being intimate/messing around part that is getting to her.
2442954 Maybe, it just doesn't feel right sometimes... like Rainbow is just thinking of this as a deeper friendship, rather then as a relationship. Which l said above.
2442956 See, it is the second paragraph that I'm starting to worry about, and get a feeling of. As much as Rainbow does feel something for Pinkie, the whole lack of experience, and almost fear of intimacy/messing around makes me wonder if she actually does understand sexual attraction and not just friendship.
Even in the ones that follow Rainbow it kind of feels like Pinkie is just a special friend to me, and not a girlfriend. I'm not sure if it will end very well at this rate.
P.S. if anyone can tell me how to turn off the thing that when i type an i or u or b to makes it stop just giving me the underline code, that would be great.
I'm actually a little surprised that Twi didn't seem more insulted by this. Yes, she was insulted they did this without asking her about it first, but I thought that she would also be insulted by the insinuation that she couldn't get a date on her own.
To be honest, it feels like Dash should know better than this after May the Best Pet Win...
I still enjoyed it though, and I'm looking forward to some expansion on the Rainbowpie relationship in this or other fics. Also, if Twilight enters Kicker's love triangle, I think I'll explode.
Why don't MY friends try to set me up with a date....
Oh wait. I remember.
encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSlp4iLRz1WIeEzgw6cIhDgAviTAHSYfeimhmL-PlCBQRfWuto1zg
2444264The problem is that we have a definite time for when it goes from "hey cool whatever" to "changeling's dinner". Dash starts to feel genuine love during the events of Troubled Mind, and most of the stories from dash's perspective are before this point, or Dashie's concerned with something else, or both. Finally Chapter 14 of "The Life and Times of a Winning Pony", which I linked to in my previous post, establishes that Rainbow is getting ready to be intimate with Pinkie. Considering Dash's injury down there, I see letting Pink's mess around down there to be a sign of love( I know that sex in general dose not mean you love someone, but take the context into account). your not saying this because they didn't jump into bed immediately, are you? because every relationship progresses at its own pace.
edit: I know this wasn't directed at me, but really all romantic love is, is a deeper form of friendship. there are for kinds of love. love between family, love between friends, love between lovers, and unconditional love. Here is a better explanation than I can give, but the idea is that all the loves have their own trappings but at the base level they are the same feeling expressed differently, and there is plenty of overlap.
That took a lot longer than it should have to read, because I kept stopping to laugh.
Now then, since this is a romance, will Twilight actually wind up going on a date in this story? Assuming yes, who with? Vote now!
I personally want to see some Twishy (it could happen eventually, since CK and her are officially over in the main story) or Twilestia or Twiluna (because I'd love to see CK's reaction) or Twicora (because I have never read a good shipping story with Zecora)
2445438 I'm not say that Dash not just jumping Pinkie's bones as soon as they are dating as a sign that she doesn't love her, or if she did that then everything would be perfect and okay. It is much more complex then that. Though I did forget about Dash's bit about being more ready for sex then before.
Maybe I need to reread some of the parts that focus on Dash in Life and Times, and see how she reacts to things. There is just a nagging feeling in the back of my dead. I dunno, you are bringing up a lot of points I can't really argue with.
2445312
Dont worry about it bud, I've been hooked up with dates by friends twice so far and they both went over about as well as mass murders. It's especially problematic when they continue talking to your friends after questionable exploits and incidents...
For some reason, this has generally been the case with anyone I bothered to know on a first name basis; their experience usually laying anywhere in the spectrum of "Meh It didn't work out" to full scale evacuations and nuclear fallout.
In any case loving the story so far. The only thing that is "slightly" bothersome for me is the magnitude of twilight's iciness in this universe...
2442948 Continuity is always an issue.
Best way to get your friend a date? Throw half the town at them and see what (or rather, who) sticks.
So, Rainbow Dash's idea of romance is Ninja Warrior ON FIRE!
2444216
Sorry about that, I thought you had gotten through the document when I put the chapter up. And dealt with that issue you stated.
2451368 She IS dating PINKIE PIE of all ponies.
2453562
Heh, no worries. Would be unreasonable for me to hold you all up for too long if everyone else has been through whole text already. If it makes you feel better, I did enjoy the talk we all had. May have said this before, but I always look forward to the conversation that goes on in the chat, especially when there's a bunch of us on at the same time.
Looking forward to working on the next chapter you send me.
So, let's review:
-Applejack's idea of finding Twilight a date is pawning off the nearest family member despite their gender.
-Rainbow Dash's idea of finding Twilight a date is Equestrian Ninja Warrior - Directed by Michael Bay.
-Pinkie Pie is a licensed in demolition, pyrotechnics and has easy access to a payload of remote explosives.
-Rarity was most likely the one that came up with the idea, but got voted out by everypony else, but probably will initiate her own subtle plan in the near future.
-And Fluttershy most likely just went along with the vocal majority.
You managed to make all of the above highly believable, casual, and comedic all at the same time. I'm starting to feel bad that I can't upvote and fave this story again. Keep up the good work!
When you kept making jokes about Twilight and books this kept playing over and over in my head.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=Keges1fYOYY
2442245
Bit of a trainwreck, isn't it? Oh the games these ponies play.
2442569
Hmm, at least in my own headcanon and how summoning works for WPverse, it would be a bit difficult to strait up summon Spike given he isn't quite a supernatural being. Now, she might be able to use her summoning circle to help harness arcane energies, set up some spell to track Spike, and then teleport Spike to her. She probably couldn't "summon" Spike. Granted, you might argue that I'm arguing semantics.
2442598
But I'm so terrible at poetry!
2442924
Oh, there's going to be more on Tornado Day, I can assure you.
2444269
She is very much insulted by what her friends did, though perhaps not only for the reasons you, her, or anypony else fully understands...Unreliable narrators are unreliable.
2444642
Dash can get rather focused on what she is doing, and can suffer a bit of tunnel vision. And in her mind, she probably thought her plan in May The Best Pet Win worked perfectly. She got the best pet ever, didn't she?
Have you checked out all the other Dash-centric stories like The Incredibly Dense Mind of Rainbow Dash, The Troubled Mind of Rainbow Dash, and The Incredibly Embarrassing Parents of Rainbow Dash? Those might give you a bit more insight into Dash's character in the WPverse.
2445465
There are plan, oh yes, there are plans.
2450367 2451368 2455104
Equestrian Ninja Warrior - Directed by Michael Bay made me laugh.
And yes, I made a whole list of notes to keep track of what everypony was doing, and how they would react to this type of situation, the results was this whole chapter. These characters really write themselves sometimes.
That was a great Chapter
I can't wait for the next Chapter 
My vote is Raindrops for the pony that will date Twilight 
I WANT MOAR 
If that is alright 
My brain went from "Yay!" To "Wut?" To "Yay Again!" When I saw "Of a Winning Pony" but I missed the "Study" part.
What was driving me up the wall from the entire conversation with Rainbow Dash and everything up to Pinkie's reveal was that Twilight never asked "Why are you doing this?" Some people might say that word choice is a nitpick among the rest of the chapter. But "why" that is the most obvious, most simple, most natural question to a person thinks of when trying to understand another person's intentions. And when a character does not do basic human things (shaddup, you know what I mean) it creates a giant disconnect.
This chapter annoyed me. Can I punch the lot of them in the necks now? While I am happy in a relationship, I know plenty of people who don't have, and never really needed to be in a relationship to be happy. In no way should anyone/anypony need to have someone in their lives to justify their existence. People can be a lone individual and be perfectly happy. Twilights friends trying to foist someone off on her reminds me much the same of a woman I know who's friend keep telling her how she NEEDS to have a man, and NEEDS to get laid. You are the best judge of what you need. The moment you let others dictate who you are, and how you live, is the moment you lose yourself. I applaud Twilight for standing her ground about not wanting a relationship. If she gets one from this fiction, it better happen in a very natural, non forced way, or I'll be very disappointed.