Hello. I'm The Disturbed Brony. I've got a slightly more detailed description of me in my blog.

As this is my first fan-fic, I have one request:  Be brutally honest. Throw it all at me. I want to know everything!

I hope you enjoy!

That was........GREAT!!M good job!!

interesting

Please, continue.

"Be brutally honest?"  Okay.

You're doing something that a lot of writers, even good ones, do.  It's called "telling, not showing."  Basically, you're cramming details in rather than letting them be revealed gradually through the story.  For instance, you spend two solid paragraphs describing Lee's appearance, mannerisms, and everything he carried with him.  There's nothing wrong with talking about all that, but spread it out a little and make it relevant to the plot so it doesn't feel like an info-dump.

Speaking of paragraphs, yours might be a little on the long side.  Also, very important, make sure you begin a new one each time a new character speaks.

And that very last line: "Well was interesting alright..." seems to be missing a word or two.

I'll follow this and see where it goes.

Hmm feels like the intro from Girls Bravo.  Apart from the things mentioned in the previous post, I didn't see any major issues.  I hope you keep writing.

You're already doing better than I am with my first fanfic... maybe I should be jealous...

Image: http://29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg

I have no real things to point out, because its already been said.

I find this a good story, so I'll keep watching this.

>>13638151363815  Thank you for pointing that out to me. I've already filled in the missing word at the end and i'll be trying to take your advice when writing future chapters.

>>13639381363938  Never heard of it. I'll see if it's on netflix or just try and find an online version of the first episode and get back to you. Other than that, I'm glad you like it!

>>13643501364350

Here, it's around the 4 min mark.

Edit: Not only did I get the initial time wrong (30s? not so much), I also forgot to mention the mature content.  

>>13643561364356  Well that's just great.

Now I gotta watch EVERY episode... you know... to rule out any ideas that I had for this story that would coincide with that show.

And no other reason at all...

>>13643801364380

Well, I highly doubt your character is allergic to girls.  I just thought you were doing a shout-out to the anime.  Don't worry about it.  Other than the initial scene, there is very little correlation between your fic and the show.

Edit:

So far so good. You got a like and a watch from me. Just one problem. I'm no grammar Nazi (my grammar such too much for that), but the one thing that does bother me is when people don't start new paragraphs when someone else speaks. It makes it hard to follow the conversation.

this waz awesom,e efiouvfivadeoigyvaulygilgilgiliurjkg

lol sorry. great story favourted

i am chinese so i no now english

>>13652411365241 Are you seriously Chinese or are you faking it? If so, stop it. If not, I don't mind. Just don't fake being Chinese. It's not nice.

Also, a little tip; don't make comments like that. This is NOT Facebook!

Just capitalize and make sure to keep the sentences readable. I'm not trying to be mean, it's just the way it has to be.

Another thing, don't use 'lol' too often. That's what I meant when I said that this wasn't Facebook.

Great tip: If your not sure about the spelling of a word, put it into the search bar in the browser. It should give you the correct spelling.

The premise for this is enough for an instant like and favorite. Can't wait for more!

First sentence should have a comma after the end of Twilight's line, then "its" instead of "it's". Changeling is spelt wrongly.  I think "wasn't exactly fond" instead of "wasn't entirely fond" would sound better, but that's just a personal choice.  

Next paragraph - "as my personal student" sounds more formal, "Element of Magic" needs a comma after it, "but please remember the potential" sounds more like Celly.  

Third para - "I had better head back to Ponyville now." I can't imagine Twi saying this... "I ought to get back to the library, it's getting late." maybe?

Fourth para -  "from school taking his usual" should have a comma between school and taking, the mp3 sentence doesn't seem necessary at all, just mention his music.

Fifth para - "very kind hearted.. Yes, he did prefer his privacy. Yes, he did prefer to read a good book rather than talk about current events with people he hardly knew. It's those reasons he" Should be either "..." or "." Get rid of the second yes and put a semicolon in its place.  "It's for those reasons".

And I'm not even half-way through!

(you did say brutally honest )

>>13654661365466

Please continue

>>13654971365497

I messaged you.

I translated "Equus Non Grata " and I got "Horse Not With joy". Is that anything like it was supposed to mean?

>>13656971365697 I was under the impression it meant "An unwelcome pony(horse)"

>>13657401365740I see. Well, it wasn't.

So, being brutally honest like you asked, your story structure is not very good. It reads more like a manual for something than a novel. It's mostly because of the fact that you are telling rather than showing, as TNaB said. Also, Twilight seems to be acting a little bit out of character, especially with the way she is talking/thinking. I have a hard time imagining her saying a lot of those things. Basically, I can see a lot of room for improvement, however, if you follow the good advice you are getting, you'll become better in no time.

>>13658411365841

I did a google translate and it gave me "A horse is not welcome"   Worded different than I thought but it has the same effect.

Brutally honest? Okay... *gasp*

You have good promise, but it can be improved. I cant really say anything that hasn't been said already, but just follow the guidelines said before and I think you will improve greatly. And that's saying something, considering I am a famous Grammar Nazi.

Oh, by the way, whats the purpose of Sierra, anyway? I mean, other then sending Lee into Equestria by accident? Is she a one time use character, or does she play a more crucial role on the story?

My rating: outta . Improve your story line and grammar a little bit more and you earn that last mustache.

>>13662031366203  Sierra will be a key role when Lee and Twili make it to earth.

That should be either equus non gratus (for the masculine) or, more likely, equa non grata (for the feminine).

(That's actually "horse", of course (of course), but it'll do well enough for "pony".)

>>13663611366361 Since the true focus is on how twilight will handle being on earth, go for feminine?

Interesting... I just skip by most stories, but this isn't half-bad. You have earned a mustache.

Premise: Meh, but could go interesting places.

Execution: I'll wait to see where this goes

Advice:  Get a proofreader.

Lee, age 17, was walking home from school, taking his usual shortcut through a local patch of woods. Winter had finally set in and he was layered in a thick pair of pants, combat boots, a warm hoodie and a trench coat over the top. Almost all of his attire was black with a little red and gray. He stood 6'3" tall, wore black framed glasses which hid his bright blue eyes and had a red streak running through one side of his brown hair. He seemed as though he didn't have a single care in the world as he kept walking, listening to music and enjoying the scenery.

Most other students preferred to get a ride to school from a friend or the bus. Not Lee. He enjoyed nature for the most part and didn't mind the exercise. Sure, he had to get up a good hour before most to make the walk on time but he could live with that. Despite his dark attire, which gave the impression that he wasn't a pleasant person to be around, he was actually very kind hearted.. Yes, he did prefer his privacy. Yes, he did prefer to read a good book rather than talk about current events with people he hardly knew. It's for those reasons he didn't make many friends. Despite that, he never felt lonely. He had his own little bubble of existence which was filled with all the things he liked and was comfortable around. That's all he ever felt he needed.

See all that, right up there?  That is poor writing.  You've lectured the reader on all the different parts of Lee that make up, well, Lee.  There are two outcomes for a reader:  One, the reader assumes he or she is being talked down to because you assumed the reader couldn't figure out what makes Lee tick without spelling it out; Two, the reader gets bored because nothing happens at all in these two paragraphs.

When you introduce a character for the first time, ESPECIALLY a main character, have them do something that reveals a bit about themselves.  You're giving away the game by listing out trait after trait, and throwing away the opportunity for your character to make a good impression on the reader.  Instead of telling the reader Lee likes nature, have a scene where Lee walks out of the school.  He can chat a bit about education with a friend, then decline an offered ride or leave his pal at the bus stop.  Have him smell the flowers/actively look for leaf piles to crunch.  Have him DO something.

If/when you rewrite this, I'd put about 2-4k words dedicated to establishing who Lee is through action, not narration.

anypony know an easy way to find humanized pony stories?

>>13672061367206

Ouch. I asked for harsh and I got harsh.

Excuse me while I go sit in the corner and re-think my life

(joking aside, I really appreciate all the criticism I've been getting.)

BRILLIENT and the moment for the shower scene did remind me of Girls Bravo which is nice if it wasnt intentional since that show was totaly awesome yet...completly a pointless show BUT i love this story so far though i'd ask that you keep being awesome and wright as you intend (your currect character only relations to Girls Bravo's boy is not realy being liked by anyone but his childhood friend at the begining anyway! ) thats all for that

>>13673191367319

My criticisms have been criticized for being harsh before.  Just remember to never take it personal!

>>13675061367506

Wouldn't dream of it!

>>13639381363938 that's

JUST what i was thinking

>>13673191367319

I find that curiosity and the urge to understand is one of the driving forces behind a lot of things, reading included. As >>13672061367206 said, discovery and development is a huge part of making interesting characters and stories. If you unload all of your information in one go, there is nothing to learn about the character, leaving the reader with a boring protagonist. Withholding and slowly feeding the reader background information about the character keeps the character interesting.

On a slightly different note, your 'info dump' on Lee really only led me to one conclusion: He's pretty much the same as every other human that gets teleported to Equestria in everyone else's HiE wish fulfillment fics.

You know, for your first fanfiction it's pretty good. Spelling and grammar seems to be at a reasonable level, but there were a few things that I'd like to suggest:

Have you ever heard of 'Show, don't tell'? I find myself talking about this a lot, so I've written up a blog post showing my understanding of what it is, and how to implement it. That post can be found here. Basically, you write in a way that goes along the lines of: "She did this, this happened, she did that." Take a look at the link, or just google 'Show, don't tell', as I think it could be very beneficial.

Not only were his back feet hooves as well, he had....  "WINGS?!?"

Before I begin on this point, let me say that the orange text isn't a very good choice of words. Human's don't have 'back feet', we've just got feet.

Now that I've said that, take a look at the red text. This is one of my pet hates when it comes to writing, and it is the use of full caps when someone is shouting. Personally, I hate this. It looks unprofessional and derails my immersion in the same way that a sudden change in font size would. The exclamation mark was invented for a reason; Use it!

Finally, try and get into the habit of starting a new line whenever someone finishes speaking. The current state will become bloody confusing if multiple characters have a large conversation.

Personally, I didn't like it. Just the idea of a teenager getting thrown into Equestria is usually enough to turn me off a story like a puppy from an umbrella unless it has amazing writing and an engaging story. I might come back and add to this if I think of anything else.

Have a good day/night.

-Sparklight

>>13675061367506

That's not harsh! You stated facts and not once were you abusive about it. I've had a critic compare me to a six year old child with ADHD.

Brisingr! ....

Very cool story so far, as far as the idea behind it goes.  Will follow for more...

Learning with portals?

Does that mean she'll be thinking with portals soon?

Hmm... I'll admit that I've read better but after some consideration I'll be looking forward to future chapters.

I have my doubts about reading this, but I'll give it a chance and see where this is going. Brb with an edit.

Edit: Why choose a name like Lee?

BWA ha ha!  That was a great ending!

While the concept is overused, your characters seem more interesting, though I can't explain why.  I was especially amused by the fact that he tried to pull his own wings off, though it makes no sense to do that.  -shrug-  It was just funny.

..Is this a self insert per chance?

Ohh great, so thats where I left my old copy of that book . . . Why did I even write that in the first place!? Ohh well, it doesn't come close to the level of True Magic anyways. If anything its a fragment. . . Still, even a fragment can do much damage. . . I should go and get it huh. . .

Good story so far, good story. Always interesting when Twi comes to Earth as a Human. What will she learn about on this journey hmm?

"...telling Spike where she went. Typical." Alright, explain to me where that Typical came from. It sure wasn't Spike thinking it.

>>13660591366059 well google translate always is the most reliable translator out there...

...Go one.

COMMENCE THE LURKING, WATCHING, AND SOON FAVORING!

You have been put on my favorites, seems cool even though i don't really like Twilight, are you going to be putting in other characters from the mane 6? But other than that AWESOME!!!!!

I liked it.

However, judging from your character reading Brisingr, I take that you still like Paoplini. Read Lord of the Rings. It's the same thing but better.

Only thing that gets on my nerves; don't worry, it's not really a problem, is when authors dont use commas when they should. It's not bad, J.R.R. Tolkein even did this and he's fine.

Anyway, liked and fav'd.

>>13638151363815

Huh brah das how can say um ovah hea

ho mebbeh can do one hoal story ladat.

Let me bring up a question I have with a lot of Human in Equestria stories: why this particular human?

The Equestrian side of this portal is well-handled: Twilight has a book of instructions, and has come to a natural weak spot between dimensions. What you have failed to provide, however, is any reason why the Earth side of the portal should open where it does. Is this portal meant for Lee, perhaps because he's the descendant of somebody who passed through that portal before? Or was the portal fixed to that spot?

If the latter is true, then you could have used that to build up some atmosphere. Say that the rent for this apartment is cheap because there's a rumor that it's haunted. People have reported having visions of phantom trees, and cold winds with no visible source blow through the halls from time to time (this ties back then to the winds in Twilight's part of the story). Furthermore, maybe there's a story about an Indian brave who disappeared in the middle of a battle during the Revolutionary War in this very spot (that's assuming Lee lives in the eastern United States, of course). Most of this stuff would be revealed in later chapters, but a few hints right here would really lead to a feeling that this is a place where extraordinary things happen.

...Or you could just say it was completely random. A lot of anime series go that route. I don't care for those particular anime.

Wow. Needless to say, I want moar!

hey, not to be a troll or anything but if human Twilight has a horn, shouldn't that mean that Lee should be an earth pony or at least have wings as a human?

>>13653271365327

You crossed out the NOT. Oh, and by the way, this is a great story! Can't wait to see how this turns out!

Cover image: Human Twilight with a horn (which BTW looks silly no matter how many times I see it.) Implying Pony-on-Earth fic.

Actual fic: Me with glasses turns into a pegasus when Twilight alien-abducts him. Human-In-Equestria fic.

What.

That portal is two-way, right? Because HiE is way too overdone compared to PoE.

Further, so far you are running VERY cookie-cutter.

Twilight's fault: [√]

Unexpected: [√]

Freakout upon seeing hoof-hand: [√]

Human is Brony pre-transport: [ ]

>>13643561364356I love that series.

Brutal honesty, at your service:

> Each statue had a wax bowl at it's feet

"its", not "it's". Rule of thumb: Anywhere you use "it's", try replacing it by what it actually means, namely "it is". If it doesn't fit, you mean "its".

For the rest... sometimes you seem to write descriptions that are jarringly elaborate for scenes that should require a faster flow. One of them was definitely this:

"He did not expect to see what he saw and froze up, unable to remove his eyes from what stood before him."

That said, I do like your overall writing style, and the story premise definitely has potential :)

been honest....don't know, i've seen many of these human into pony world.....i was expecting otherwise, say twilight in human world as pony or atleast he still being human.

anyway, doesn't look bad  but just cant tell you if i like it or not with just the introduction, give me more development and one or two more chapters and i might know if i like it or not. So far it looks fine.

Concept isn't bad, but there is way too much info dumping. Show, don't tell.

Chapter 1 updated! Not a total rewrite as I had planned, but I figure i'm just now starting out. May as well fix some mistakes but let the format evolve on it's own, so I can see where I came from.

>>13767171376717  

The moment "Brisingr" came on my screen I knew this was gonna be a good story.

Great work!

I am pleased with this so far keep up the good work man

I love it.........you get a fav and watch from me

>>13772161377216 I still need to read that book.

So far this story does look interesting.

I personally find the "acting like a crazy person" response far more realistic than the "cool, imma pony, now to become bestest buds with mah favourite pony" response.

All in all, great job! looking forward to what comes next.

Only problem I have is this: Your pacing is too fast, and there's very little describtive writing. Otherwise, it has some potential.

Interesting.  I'll say that.

Given the character's interactions with this girl, I have to ask, is he supposed to be Japanese?

Seriously, what's up with that!?

>>13805271380527

If he were Japanese he would have had an explosive nosebleed when he saw Sierra... XD

But yeah, I can totally visualize him as a typical anime "otaku/lonely guy".

Not that that is a bad thing, mind you...

Image: http://scranton.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw4673_small.jpg

Do continue. This has potential.

Be brutally honest.

As you wish. You're getting a lot, if not the majority, of your thumb-ups because of the picture, not because of the quality of your writing.

>>"This one looks interesting," remarked Twilight Sparkle[,] as she lifted an exceptionally old book from its place.

Use commas where you would naturally pause if speaking.

>>in order to learn more advanced forms of magic.

Twilight has been studying and practicing nothing but advanced forms of magic for years. You might want to pick a different term.

>> Twilight [had] hung her head,

Incorrect tense. You're using present to refer to events that took place in the past.

>>Twilight was suddenly beaming

1) Twilight suddenly beamed with joy

2) Confine the flashback to a single paragraph unless you're going to use section breaks. Technically that breaks 'the rules' but it would do so in a way that would make more sense than what you have now.

>>Back [in the present], Twilight

The two events are not happening at the same time.

>>in pristine condition[,] despite

>>the seventeen year old turned around, only to be greeted by a football colliding with his face.

I know that tropes are not bad, but this is so utterly lazy I skipped ahead to the next Twilight section, where the grammar simply got even worse, and I completely lost interest.

You could've had a little more build up of him taking in his surroundings or perhaps his inner monologue, maybe even some denial, I dunno just seems like what I would do in that situation, oh when describing his new look you should have added his color and the sensations

Damnit twi, always teleporting random shit.

Interdasting.  Please, go on.

oh noes

....GOD DAMNIT TWILIGHT!!

here's the lovecraft survival guide to get a HINT at what NOT! to do with ancient books

Image: http://fc01.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2011/149/0/f/lovecraft_survival_poster_by_patrickmcevoy-d3hj3hl.jpg

Whee. I'd love to see Twilight be shocked by human science. She is a nerd, after all. I wonder how she'd react to space travel?

i noticed this and read the description.  the portals changing the one who enters it to the realm sounds a lot like mine.  i'm not saying you stole the idea, but i think it is a popular one.  i'll read this one though and give you a true opinion on it.  and tell you whether you might like mine.

>>14004491400449

*has my vote for the best comment of the year*

>>14004961400496GRACIAS!

Well at least Celly knows that Twi F'd up from the start.

>>14004491400449

This should be the official warning for traveling to the human realm.

>>14005361400536....you know what, you're right!

whenever someone does something of that nature, the defecation starts hitting the oscilation!

and everything ends up blowing up!

stupid wolves

>>14004561400456

Well said, good sir

am i the only one who noticed that the titles of the books are in quotes.  the only time the title of a book should be in quotes in when it is a poem or short story.  when typing,  the titles need to be in italics, and on written paper, underlined. learned that from my English II teacher.  and they all blame third grade teachers too.  has potential, but needs to be longer and proper details.  i suggest to you, Disturbed Brony, that you read my story, i think you might like it, maybe.

TWILIGHT YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!!

Please, for the love of literature and the English language, don't turn this into one of those whiny human stories where the main character spends the whole time telling everyone who will listen about how humans are terrible, life sucks, Earth sucks, and his whole family is dead to boot so we should all feel sorry for him.  It was only there for a second in this chapter, but it's a slippery slope, and I'd hate to see an interesting premise like this be reduced to that.

An emotional back story with touching remembrances of a father he was particularly close to?  Perfectly fine.  'Most people are either too busy to be happy or are simply depressed. Kindness is a bit of an inconvenience.'?  Dangerously close to whining.  Earth is certainly a darker place than Equestria, but to insinuate that most people there spend every day being miserable and unhappy is a vast over generalization.  

There's certainly nothing wrong with painful emotional moments, just please don't let this end up being one of the all too common stories where the main character wanders around expecting everyone to treat him like a martyred saint until a pony comes and whisks him off to Equestria to live happily ever after.  As I said, it was only there for a second, but that still means the temptation was there.  Resist it!  You must!  Turn away from the Dark Side and embrace the Light!

not as many grammar issues on first site, but it seems very rushed. this might be good, will follow it, but to closely.  i recommend thinking each section through in your mind, and then typing it down.  read more to, this is also helpful.  good luck, and may the force be with you.

>>14006281400628

Well duh.  

That wouldn't make for a very good PoE story would it?

"Hey twilight. Welcome to earth. This place sucks. You're not going to like it here but you are stuck so get over it."

Trust me. I have no intention of turning this into a human-bashing story.

And thus it begins. This should be fun. . .  hehehe. . .

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_li7mhwjsGs1qafrh6.jpg

Catalyst for Discord? I hope that you are going into deeper detail about the whole HiE background-story.

I really want to know why Celestia is SO against humans

>>14008471400847

No can do, sugarcube. Spoilers, an what not.

YAY NEW CHAPTER

REVEL IN CELEBRATION

Wow, can't wait for chapter 3, keep up the good work!

"Frankly, no. Most people have one issue or another that weighs on their heart, making it hard to be kind. There are some happy people, but nowhere near as much as here. And what few happy people there are, they rarely are this public about it. Most people are either too busy to be happy or are simply depressed. Kindness is a bit of an inconvenience."

God, who speaks like that? That was most irritating. Shorten it to something along these lines: "No." or "Of course not, being cheery in public is weird." or "Not outside of musicals and cartoons for girls."

>>14009871400987

God, who speaks like that?

Lee does.

>>14010261401026

Who's Lee?

SUDDENLY TIMBERWOLVES

Plot point out of nowhere is not appreciated.

Sure, you can explain it later, but it still seems random now.

Hiding character-from-another-world is always futile plan, so how will she interact with people?

Who is this "Sierra" character? How will they interact with whatshisname (Lee?) coming back and with Twilight?