Twilight is talking a stroll through the Everfree Forest. She is going to Zecora's hut to have some of her favorite tea. It is all good until she finds an odd looking page hanging from a tree...
Scary. But AWESOME
Just a quick question, but why are the first few paragraphs over-indented and some not indented at all? Just pointing that out. Good story by the way.
>>13568731356873 I have no idea.. I noticed that as well. Glad you like the story!
it begins... *pumps shotgun*
>>13569761356976 Like a boss!
Good story, but the chapters are too short. Also, fourth. I've always wanted to be under 10th.
>>13569981356998 Usually, my chapters in my stories are 1,000 words. It is a guideline I use. (With one story exception.)
Not bad. Creepy but not bad. I'd recommend longer chapters though. I try to put at least 2k words or more into my chapters in my story. Got over 400k words total so far and still going. You should check it out
Dude, it's Slendermare. Slendermare is a better name, it fits the pony style better, and it sounds better. WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY USE SLENDERMARE?
Okay, I feel bad about bugging you about this, so bookmarking, even though Dark fics make me sad.
>>13573061357306 Well, mare would imply that SlenderMAN is a girl.. I actually think it does make more sense for it to be Slendermane.
Slenderman is a guy. Slendermare is a girl.
Or they're both genderless, of course, and the name for the creature just uses the gender generally assumed by the society.
It looks great, but since the Doctor is magically there, does that mean Slendermane was brought from one of his recent adventures?
It would be even better if you indented every time a new character speaks.
Well this is only creepy..
Time to giggle at the ghostie?
>>13574411357441 Nope. Time to F.E.A.R. (Fuck Everything And Run)
(finishes chapter) so it begins (pumps 12 guage shotgun, puts a mag into my M16 Assualt Rifle, pullsback the slide on M1911 .45 CAL pistol and puts a box mag into M249 SAW Machine Gun) I'm ready for you now slendermare
Twilight Sparkle rolled out of bed. She groaned as she got up. "Spike!" She looked over to his little basket. "Get up Spike. There is work to be done." She said in a tired voice. She heard a mumble come from the blanket. She frowned as she levitated a brush to her mane. She walked over to Spike's basket and gave it a little kick. Spike peered out with an annoyed groan. Twilight looked down at him. "GET UP!!!" Twilight screamed. Spike yelped and toppled out.
"OK! I'm up! What?" He said as he got to his feet.
Twilight motioned towards the kitchen. "Breakfast. Please."
Spike sighed. "Fine." He started to stumble to the door, still in sleep mode. Twilight yawned.
"What time is it?" She said to herself. She looked at a clock. It read 5:00 A.M. Twilight smiled. Perfect timing.
As Spike made breakfast, Twilight put a book titled, 'How to Wake Up on Time!' in her favorites pile. She sat down at the table. Spike came out of the kitchen wearing a chef's hat and an apron. He was holding two plates in his hands. Twilight's stomach grumbled. She licked her lips as the plate was set in front of her. "Pancakes! Thanks, Spike!"
Spike smirked and bowed. "My pleasure!" He got into his seat and gobbled them up in a flash. Twilight's eyes grew. She stared at the beautiful plate of food that lay before her. The butter that sat on top, melting into the flowing amber colored syrup. all on top of a fluffy golden-brown pancake. Spike waved his hand in front of Twilight's face. She shook her head "Huh?"
Spike looked at the plate. "You gonna eat that?" Twilight levitated a fork and knife over.
"Duh!" She started to stuff her face with the food, in a Spike-like manner.
"OK Spike, I am going to Zecora's place to get some tea." Twilight stood outside her front door. "Please guard the library while I'm gone." Spike stepped outside.
"Yeah, cause everypony wants to rob a library." he said in a sarcastic tone. Twilight rolled her eyes as she bent down to hug him. Spike returned the hug.
"Just, be careful alright?" Twilight nodded as she started to walk away.
It was still very early in the morning, and barely anypony was out and about. There was frost on the ground, and there was a chill in the air. She passed Sweet Apple Acres just as the sun was coming up. It made the orchard look amazing. It was covered in a golden glow. She saw the edge of the Everfree forest slowly coming towards her as she walked. As she got to the edge, daytime seemed to turn back into night. It was very strange, but Twilight walked in.
She slowly made her way through the forest, flinching at every little noise. It was foggy and she could barely see 10 feet ahead of her. She walked past the giant black trees and the small brush that blocked her path. Usually the Everfree wasn't THIS scary. Twilight felt the air getting cold. She looked up. The sky was completely black. She shivered. "It is getting extremely cold!" she thought. She stopped suddenly. She thought she heard talking.
Twilight followed the sound. She hid behind a tree when she could clearly hear the voices. She peeked around the tree and saw a faint silhouette of a pegasus mare and a stallion earth pony. She slowly crept towards them. "Hello?"
The ponies turned. "Twilight!" Said a voice Twilight recognized instantly. Derpy flew over and shook Twilight's hoof. "Hi! What are you doing out here?" Twilight was confused. "Going to Zecora's. What are YOU doing out here?" Derpy flew over to the other pony and pointed in the direction of the zebra's hut. "We were over there cleaning the TAR-" The other figure elbowed her in the side. "I..I mean.. cleaning!" The figure finally came close enough for Twilight to see.
"Well, hello Twilight! Fancy meeting you out here in this... Forest." Time Turner said.
Twilight sighed. "oh, Hi Time Turner."
He looked annoyed. "Please, call me The Doctor."
Twilight walked with the other two ponies. "So, why is the Everfree so much more, you know, creepier?" Twilight said.
The Doctor stopped, "Hmmmm... I don't know." He said simply.
Twilight sighed. They kept walking into the blackness of the forest.
"Hey guys?" Derpy called out from behind. They looked towards her. "Look!" She flew over to a giant tree stump. "There is a paper drawing here! It's so nice!" The trio stared at the paper. It looked like it was torn out of a notebook and then drawn by a kindergartener. It was a drawing of a stick figure walking through a forest. Twilight suddenly started to panic. "That's so CREEPY!! Is this some kind of sick joke?"
Derpy poked the paper. It fell to the ground. "Oh no! Beautiful art like this deserves better!" She picked it up and put in her saddlebag. They turned around and started walking again. They all froze. The Doctor spoke in a small, frightened voice. "Are....are those Drums?" They heard a load BOOM every few seconds. It seemed like it got a little darker and colder. They all shivered as they continued walking.
The Doctor looked around nervously, "I'm afraid I have no idea where we are..."
Twilight's hair had gone all frizzy and out of place. "OH, THANKS DOCTOR! THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!" Derpy looked around. "Hey! There's a path!" they all let out a relieved sigh. They all followed the dirt road. Derpy stumbled upon a broken down cart. It had another paper on it. They all huddled around it and looked. It had the stick figure in the middle. All around it, it said "NO." It made the hair on their necks stand on end. Derpy wasn't scared though. She complimented it again and placed it in her saddlebags once again. The drumming hadn't stopped. They heard a small wind like sound as Derpy put the second page in the bags. It got even darker and colder.
They kept following the road. The Doctor was trying to calm Twilight down.
"Don't worry, Twilight. It's okay. We are just a little spooked, is all. I'm sure we will be fine! Now calm dow-OOF!" He walked into an invisible wall. "Huh?" He poked it. The "Wall" started to glow purple. It started to write words in thin air. The writing looked like it was made of cracked glass. The Doctor read it aloud.
"Collect the eight pages and you will be set free." They heard a loud sound, like a piano being crushed. They all jumped and turned around.
If you can indent paragraphs comme ca, it's french, for 'like so', and get rid of the awkward spacing, that would be A-O-good.
And there are so many more mistakes. Grammar, punctuation, tenses, and 'Is that drums'? It's like saying 'They is nice,'.
I strongly advise you to edit.
And Doctor Who reference is kiiinda unnecessary.
Call me back if you ever do this. We'll do lunch!
>>13581111358111 OMG.... How many guns do you have?
>>13581111358111 Your do know Slenderman can't be shot, right?
Or battered with a bat, run over by a car, or ran away from while videotaping your life.
>> Bookworm yeah I know but that's not going to stop me from tryin
>> Luigi117 enough to kick slendermares ass
AWESOME!!!!!!! Finally someone does this!!!! what happenes next tells me!!!!!!! more!!!!!
...I do not envy the poor soul trapped with the Slenderman