It took so much nerve to put this up, if anyone is afraid of being scolded it's me.

Questions?

fix the wall of text. then we'll talk. i couldn't get through any of that.

If i may,

First of all that is a huge wall of text.  maybe separate it out a little? also, make a new paragraph every time someone speaks, and then a new paragraph after that.  second, your syntax and overall sentences were a little choppy, but your vocabulary was good and other than that it was well written.

Paragraphs.

Image: http://i.imgur.com/a02AV.png

Every time a new person speaks a new paragraph. No exceptions.

Image: http://i.imgur.com/fr0uP.png

Beyond that just go with what flows, paragraphs should represent complete thoughts, but should also flow into each other nicely. If that doesn't work, just hold your fingers about two inches apart put them to the screen and make them that long. It's stupid advice but it works if you absolutely can't figure out how to space them out.

Wall of text. Please fix it. Every time a new person speaks, its a new paragraph.

Also, please indent your paragraphs by pressing the "tab" button.

ITS SUPER EFFECTIVE

i actually wasn't bothered by the wall of text because I usually can't see mistakes unless I look for them, in any case, amazing story bro

>>13464611346461I love this fic and i love the fact that you giver her a mother and not make her out to look like an orphan or an abused child for that you get 5 out of 5 yays  

I almost want to forgive you for the "wall of text." It was a struggle getting through it, yet the struggle to go on is sort of the point. This is one of those stories in which the shape of the text, like poetry, adds meaning to the reader's experience of it. Breaking out of the wall felt like a relief.

You might want to experiment with the shape of the story a bit, to overcome the resistance of the casual reader. Look beyond ordinary formatting. You might look at the works of e. e. cummings and ponder the interaction between the form of words on the page and the effect on the reader. In a short work like this, it could be very effective.

Yeah, I can't really give you anything everyone above hasn't already given you. Do what they said.

...and then Scootaloo failed her flight test and got ground up into rainbows, and the mare's textwalls full of heroic struggles were all in vain.

It would probably be more relevant if I could read the despair through your fortress of endless text, but there you go. Actually, your textwalls make me despair, and yet my masochistic brain is screaming for more, and more, and more, and more, and more...

Blergh. Break it up so it's more readable, please.

why did I just think of this as:

i almost cried at the song  

>>13502621350262

>>13527341352734

>>13521411352141

>>13503251350325

>>13502981350298

>>13502851350285

AH FIXED ET!

>>13540471354047 aww, ALMOST?! Damn...

I feed on the tears of others....

>>13555071355507 goodie. I'll check it later.

>>13555071355507

Good job! This is a really sweet story.

Sad and beautiful...

I can only imagine the heartbreak when Scootaloo wakes up.

>>13566761356676 Shhh, don't tell anypony, but maaaabyyyee this might just quite not be finished.......... SHH

>>13526781352678 If you're talking about the wall of text it's fixed!

>>13516501351650 Give meh all of da yays

yay! it's good now!

I copied and pasted this ENTIRE story into Iwl.me and, according to that...

Image: http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mc7xqlLfC21r5dr68o1_500.png

Immm....so....happy

For those who don't know the pleasure of knowing who he is, she wrote books like Coraline, Stardust, Don't Panic and also did a lot of other works involving television and theater

Then again, I wrote the word Butts into that thing a thousand times just now and It came out as William Shakespeare

>>14765201476520

Well, that is Billy Shakespeare; the guy was a hack and a clown.  Everyone reveres the idiot, yet seem to forget that he MADE UP half the language he was using just because.

These days, we'd call that a trollfic and downvote it into oblivion.

Neil Gaiman though... that guy wrote Bad Omens with Terry Pratchett, and is a god amongst men.  You should be proud!  And please write more...

Image: http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ls5z84yKMJ1qh34oi.gif

Such kind words to go to bed with. Have a nice night.

i wish i had a mother like that... mine gave me away when i was four, these stories always break my heart why do i read them???