143
1,097
When Twilight Sparkle hits a wall in her research on Princess Celestia, a new face in Ponyville gives her the spark she needs to overcome it. But after his arrival, ominous events are set into motion. Soon, Twilight must choose her side in a conflict that will decide Equestria's fate.
Equestria Daily Featured Story!
Edited by Horse Voice.
I can't believe you remembered me, or cared to after I talked your ear off about this for so long. Thanks for the love! ^_^
Comments are disabled in Google Docs. Hopefully this "publishes" here soon. Feel free to leave a comment here, on EqD, or even email/Tweet at me if you have feedback, though. Even if you can't see what's written here currently, it's an exact replica of what's on GDocs.
I submit that in this case it's actually done well. And I'm not just saying that. I'm a bit of a horror connoisseur, and this is the only time I've seen this concept work, with the proper emotional impact.
And don't worry, folks -- this story is far from over.
I'm sorry. =(
Have a picture of my plushie's reaction:
Does that help at all?
Man, you read the whole thing so far, in one sitting? That's impressive, I'm so glad you've enjoyed it! Assuming I don't fall behind, updates will be every Wednesday. As for the map of Canterlot, I figured Twilight would probably have one laying around somewhere, considering who she is. That was at least the assumption I was under when I was writing that part of the story. Whether or not my assumption has any merit is another story entirely. Canon doesn't say so either way, but I think both of us have a fairly valid point. Perhaps I based my assumption on Twilight being similar to Hermione Granger in the sense she'll read practically anything, even if it's just a book on an old castle.
Chapter feels rushed. The action scenes could definitely use some polish. Making odd/creative references are only going to make the reader stop/think. The actions scenes are pretty much telling. It really feels like the fight are just being "described" to you, if anything.
The biggest mistake I saw was that you revealed Greyhoof's identity through the narrator... In that revelation you should've at the very least given the reader a couple of moments for it to sink in. Or better yet, have Celestia call him Cosmo! The better part of the story was building up to this little shock/awe moment, and basically it got smoothed over. It should have a shock/awe moment. Cosmo was revealed too far back for it to suddenly click with the reader.
Ranting aside, sorry if I took that too far.. I'm just really disappointed.
I'm not sure how the main error you mentioned made it through so many filters. I guess I thought it was better the way I did it. As for the action, perhaps it's a style/reading taste issue. I've actually received feedback of quite a wide variety on how I write high-magic fights.
I think I alternated between showing and telling to prevent bogging the scenes down; a dual that spans many thousands of words can get quite tiresome and bloated.
Was that a Cupcakes reference? If so, I think it was horribly out of place. But I can't really criticize your story, because it's kept me interested so far, and I think you're a pretty talented writer. But seriously? If that was a reference, it was kind of tasteless, even by my standards.
I am quite glad you're liking the story so far! It isn't truly a Cupcakes reference; I feel there are a couple of similarities, but they are ultimately different things. The event in my story actually has major significance, and it turns out Pinkie's more horrified about what happened than anypony else. I guess her state of mind can be best-compared to Ginny Weasley in Chamber of Secrets while Tom Riddle was manipulating her. Apart from Pinkie's disgusting insanity, another huge part of Cupcakes was vivid gore, something I steadfastly avoid. I'm not shy about writing about blood, eviscerations, or what have you, but mature-level gore is something that doesn't belong here. Actually, there was one subtle reference, which nobody has found thus far (at least judging from comments), but it is an indirect reference, and I only used it because it was simply too good to pass up.
Don't worry: it wasn't a cheap death or a stupid jab.
Tough crowd.
Folks, bear in mind this story was conceived in 2011, but wasn't published until now because reasons. 2011 stories were quite different, and it shows. I don't think it's a stretch to say, if this had come out a year ago, the reactions would have been quite different.
I still think the other chapter could be improved/cleaned up. For example there are things tacked on to the ends of sentences that seem to keep the story from feeling if it is actually happening "in the now."
Read the most recent chapter. I still have a hard time believing Celestia is dead.... doesn't compute.
Well, I got to say I'm disappointed. I did decide to read on, but after each chapter I felt as though the quality of the writing was decreasing, which turned out to be true. After about chapter 4 or 5 I noticed that there were more and more parts that gave me some problems when I read it. Although, this chapter (chapter XIV) appeared to be somewhat better than previous ones.
What has me dissapointed the most is probably the use of cliché writing in previous chapters. The other aspect of this that let me down would have to be some of the dialogue, which just seems forced, much like some of the plotpoints in this story.
Yet, despite what I've said, I'm still probably going to continue reading this. Yes, I am still interested in reading, though, it seems a bit like a chore at certain parts that feel like they weren't given much thought at the time of being written.
However, I do have to give the author for being tenatious. There are some qualities that show up in the writing that I do admire.
I actually find comments like these the most useful out of any. I'm honestly about how surprised you feel about the quality in later chapters. Of course, the first ones were revised the most, but that's because they were quite terrible in early drafts, and later chapters did not suffer from nearly as many problems.
If you ever feel up to it, I'd love to see some examples of what you cited in PMs. I'm genuinely curious, as each chapter goes through dozens of hours of work as well as subjected to harsh criticism and refinement by two other people, so further knowledge about what specifically works and what doesn't would help my process along in future chapters.
I do appreciate that you're continuing to read; tomorrow I will be finishing up chapter 15, and today I'm in the process of second drafting chapter 17. I just wanted to let you know that I haven't gotten lazy since chapter 5 or anything; I've been following my writing process religiously, and will continue to do so until the story is completed, which I hope will be around February, give or take a fortnight.
Gary'll be thrilled to read that, especially since his one-shot clopfic has three times as many unique views as this story, which he spent over a year on. That's the hazard of making your first attempt novel-length.
And don't worry. The whole thing already exists in one form or another. The job now is to whip it into shape. And there's no way he'll quit until it's done. If I recall, I basically had to order him to take two weeks off.
Aw, thank you! In theory, the story does get better from here, but chapter 17 did the opposite of that when I showed it to Horse Voice, so the break begins. I'll write oneshots as they come to me (hopefully all of them won't be weird clopfics), but after another week or so I plan on coming back to this. I still have a good 40,000 words of first draft to rewrite and expand on in addition to chapters 16 and 17, which are sitting at second draft state.
I'll read this tomorrow, but today. I have something that needs to be said.
Dat avatar.
Thank you! The first draft's version of this scene was longer, actually, but it contained a lot of poorly-written tell. Actually, a lot of this chapter did; it was probably the most problematic chapter of the entire first draft. I couldn't think of any viable replacements for what I had originally, so that's how it ended up turning out.
Scootaloo's chapter will be better, promise!
>>1818827 I agree, that scene did feel very rushed.
>>1818972 Actually, the whole chapter felt a bit rushed.
On a side note, I would like to say that while the griffin king is correct that a wise king will think of his kingdom first, and of what the consequences will be for the kingdom by his choices, he is definitely not thinking clearly when he thinks that Cosmo will allow his kingdom to stand once he defeats Luna, as he suspects will happen.
He is also forgetting that Luna will remember both her allies, and those who stood on the sidelines, after the war is finished. Yes, Cosmo is powerful, and he has a pair of powerful unicorns as his two lieutenants, (assuming that he made Shining Armor as such) as well as a sizable army, Luna is gathering a sizable army as well. Not only that, but if she can get the dragons behind her, then she will have decent odds of being able to bring down her brother. Yes, the griffon king's decision to sit on the sidelines will have hurt, but I feel the deciding factor is going to be Scootaloo. If she can get the pegasi to follow Luna, (and I suspect that she will) the the balance of force should be sufficiently on Luna's side that I would give 5:1 odds in Luna's favor.
Interesting that you should analyze army strength. There are probably a couple of thousand survivors and refugee ponies from Ponyville and Alpine Heights, at most, plus nearly a thousand from Appleloosa, as well as the buffalo, any dragons, and pegasi (if any) who Scootaloo can convince. So far, Cosmo is known to have at least two legions, plus anypony else he can gather from Los Pegasus and Manehatten, any dragons loyal to him, and his air force. Remember that these are Roman legions, which number about five thousand soldiers each. That's nearly a 3:1 numerical advantage for Cosmo, plus however the next few chapters shake out.
Somehow it feels like the gryphons have this collective conscious, where the anger/annoyances of one gryphon are shared with every gryphon. The "scroll being tied to her body" part is kind of unbelievable. She couldn't have used a saddlebag? Even then there may be room for her to "lose it." It's a long trip between Ponyville and the kingdoms, you'd think there may be opportunity for her to "aquire" one. Otherwise how did she get the paper for that message anyway. Luna provide it? She couldn't provide a saddlebag too?
I always pictured the Gryphons as militaristic, but here their behavior borders on uncivilized barbarians. If they have suspicion that Fluttershy may be a messenger wouldn't it be good foreign policy to treat her as a guest. (while making threats should be turn out not to be one) I could picture them doubting her before Gilda claims she recognizes this pony.
>>1819253 Cosmo may have a little over 10k, but if the Pegasi go over to Luna, I would be willing to bet that Cosmo will lose his air force in a hurry. That will bring the odds much closer. Also, let us consider the power of a full size dragon. a few of those could do some serious damage to a whole legion.
Also, your overall survivor count will be higher than the figure you gave. There are always dissidents, and they will make their way out of Las Pegasus and Manehatten. Also, Trottingham and Baltimare have not been calculated into the equation. Now, if word can be gotten to those cities before Cosmo gets his troops there, he will be facing a force where he will be numerically outnumbered.
And I should know military force quite well. I was a Corporal in the Marine Corps.
While you do make some good points, you're forgetting something important: PLOT TWISTS! Also, a lot of the military logistics in Equestria work quite differently than in the real world. A big reason for this, is because Equestria is basically ruled over by demigods, which is why we've only really had the Wonderbolts and the Royal Guard as an elite fighting force and no true army until Cosmo took over and introduced conscription. Most of the threats against the country can't really be dealt with by an army (Nightmare Moon, Discord, etc). Anyway, time to get ahead of the curve on my second draft. I've got about a half dozen chapters left to tune up.
I've had the "end every chapter in a sort of cliffhanger" style since I wrote the adventures of Donkey Kong Country 2 in grade 4.
>>1836015 Ah... and there you have mentioned a major point. My experience is experience here on Earth, which would be VERY different than that of Equestria.
On a side note, I added this story to the list of stories I wish to do audio readings for.
Would you be interested in having this story read and posted on Youtube?
Magic and immortal* superbeings definitely change the rules of warfare. And I'd certainly be honoured if somebody decided to produce fan content related to the story. That's a real indicator that you've created something special. 
* I consider alicorns to possess "elven" immortality. While you can kill them by traditional means, they do not die of natural causes.
I think I know who the new Element of Loyalty will end up being...
Another awesome chapter. One thing that makes it so powerful is how you have let us into the sorrow that is Pinkie Pie. That literally moved me to tears, the emotions within your words were that strong.
I'm very glad you enjoyed it! I am definitely quite proud of chapter 19. It also contained my first perfect page (most of the Cosmo/Bastion scene), where I handed the second draft to my editor, and he did not find so much as a comma wrong with it. I really endeavored to something meaningful with Pinkie's story arc; I'm happy it seems to be working.
So, you think you've figured out Loyalty, eh? How about Magic? Or perhaps the Elements of Harmony do not work at all! As you can probably tell, this chapter marks the beginning of the story's fifth and final act. I hope you enjoy the story's conclusion in February!
>>1893106 Well, I can PM you my thoughts on who the new Elements might be, so as to not give spoilers to the other readers.
It will be a sad thing, when the story comes to it's conclusion. I am finding that I am truly enjoying every chapter, as I have from when I first found the story.
Congrats on finally having a perfect page! That is something I would love to strive for myself someday as well.
Sure! Be advised that I won't divulge any spoilers, though. =P
I hope that the story's final chapter and epilogue are fulfilling enough to create a wholesome ending, and not pull a Reboot/SAT AM Sonic series on you. It'll suck that the story ends, but at least it'll be a solid conclusion.
>>1942658 lol, If I were to add clop to this, it would be Twilight x Greyhoof/Miasma x Cosmo for the main pairing, and it would be less clop as more erotica. (Granted, some of that "erotica" would be quite brutal, especially with what would happen to Cadence and Rainbow... There would have to be a SEVERE gore tag added.)
Hey, thank you so much for your wonderful comments. It always makes me very happy to read kind words such as these; it's the gratifying reward for all the hard work I put into writing this book. And fear not! Short of one last look and tune-up of the epilogue, the entire story is completed, and chapters will be released weekly without fail until the whole thing is published.
What do you mean, exactly?
The entire story has been done since last week. I'm just publishing one chapter a week. My writing efforts are focused in school (first year drama writing and second year fiction) and whatever random crap I come up with. Depending on my creative mood this weekend, I may try to write another short. No promises, though.
WHAT?????!!!!!!! This is IT!!!!! And you've written MORE, but you're JUST PUBLISHING ONE CHAPTER A WEEK???????!!!!!!!!!!!! WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS????!!!!!!! For suspense???!!!!Well pal, consider me FREAKING SUSPENSEFUL!!!!!!!! Here;
. I hope this makes you feel terrible about what you've done to me. (JK. but I do want more. Soon)
Sorry. <3
I'm doing it for a few reasons, suspense being one of them. Another is exposure. Since I put so much work into the story (as did those who helped me with it), I want to have it posted in as many places as possible. One way to do this is through updates. It also helps create a following, since it will be on the front page of this website, and included in the EqD news posts when I post a new chapter.
That, and it is less intimidating to see a ginormous story crop up out of nowhere. I will update either every Tuesday after the EqD Tuesday story post goes up, or at 9 PM PST, which ever comes first, as long as I'm around to do it.
Reset Password
Resend Verification Email
2
25
8
Joined March 2012
1,097 ( 13,236 )
More
Less
Post Comment
Refresh
Image: http://cdn.uproxx.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/anchorman-well-that-escalated-quickly.jpg
Image: http://i.imgur.com/i8FWu.jpg
and this fic was pretty good until this chapter.
Image: http://www.halolz.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/halolz-dot-com-pokemontvshow-garyfuckingoak-motivational.jpg
Image: http://fc06.deviantart.net/fs71/i/2012/228/6/3/twilight_sparkle_004_by_zutheskunk-d4d1r6o.png
Cancel
Send