Chapter 1: Following Hearsay
[Please see Author's Note at the bottom of the page before reading further.]
Chapter One: Following Hearsay
“Nothing good ever comes from the Stables. They’re old world death traps.”
Wasted.
A wasted world…
My sister and I grew up learning how to survive in the Wasteland. Our days were spent hiding out, treasure hunting, looting. Occasionally we’d trade with a traveling merchant, but we avoided the bigger cities. Even the smaller towns weren't something we wanted to be around. Mom had drilled into our heads that big groups in small places were dangerous. She didn’t have any love for communities, a holdover from whatever happened in the Stable we’d been born in. Considering what had happened in the whole of Equestria, I didn’t blame her. Once, the land was a wonderful place, ruled by the Goddesses, Celestia and Luna. A war hundreds of years ago reduced it to the irradiated deathscape I knew all too well. Maybe if that perfect world hadn’t ceased to exist due to balefire and megaspells, we’d live in a little town with lots of friends and maybe a normal job, and not be so damn scared of everypony else.
The Wasteland wasn’t a kind place, nor were those who lived there. It was full of radiation and all sorts of monsters, the worst of which were other ponies. Surviving wasn’t easy, but I’d found ways to deal with it. My coping method was treasure hunting, because it was a lot more appealing to think of the junk and scraps of ancient food we found as treasure, than to admit it was all just trash left over from long dead ponies.
“Hidden Fortune!”
I winced and looked back at my sister. She never used my full name unless she- I slammed into a wall.
“Stop daydreaming already,” she said calmly. Pointing a hoof past me, she smiled. “We’re here.”
“Ow... Why didn’t you stop me sooner, Lost?” I demanded. “Stupid wall,” I muttered, before I actually looked at it. My eyes went wide as I looked straight up at the chunk of stone I’d walked into. This wasn’t a wall; it was part of a mountain. How the fuck did I not see that?
“Why do you think I called your name? You should really be paying more attention, it was your idea to go out looking for this supposed ‘Dragon’s Cave,’” she said with a frustrated sigh. “I still think the trader was lying, Hidden.” She looked up the mountainside. “All the stories say their caves are at the top of mountains... This seems way too flimsy a reason to just trot off into the Wasteland without a plan.”
I frowned. Leave it to the thinky unicorn pony to point out the obvious. “Whether he was lying or not, we might as well check while we’re here,” I countered. “Where there’s dragons, there’s treasure and we can’t pass up the chance.” Everything we’d been taught about Equestria from before the War agreed with that. And when would we get another shot at a dragon’s hoard? I wasn’t going to lose the opportunity to find something more than scraps and leftovers. We could find gold, gems, or maybe even jewelry, and it’d be all mine. I’d fill my saddlebags to the brim with golden bits, cover my bed with them, and then-
“What if it’s been looted already?” asked Lost Art, snatching away the pleasant daydream. In the blue glow of her magic, she lifted her preferred gun, an odd boxy-looked gem-holding contraption that looked more at home in a pile of scrap electronics than in a firefight. We’d bought the magical energy weapon from the same trader who told us about the dragon’s cave. It wasn’t a rifle like mom’s was, but we knew what to expect from the energy pistol. Guns like it shot concentrated magic and hurt in ways I couldn’t describe. Lost preferred them though, since they didn’t have a powerful kick against her magic.
“We take whatever wasn’t already stolen and isn’t nailed down. If it is, we find a hammer and take the nails, too,” I answered. Lost was overthinking it, even if she was the thinky one. “I’ll check this way and you check for the entrance on that side?” I turned and began scanning the rocky face of the mountainside, searching for the entrance.
“Sure, but stay in sight,” she agreed, as she turned and headed in the opposite direction. Her voice sounded exhausted, just like always. She spent too much time worrying about me, not that it wasn’t justified. Without her, I’d have died more times than I could count. I’d gotten her out of bad situations before, too, but she didn’t get in as much trouble as I did.
I poked around the edge of the rocky outcropping, looking for anything that looked like an entrance, but nothing stood out. It would be hard to miss an entrance large enough to fit a dragon, but it was just a sheer mountainside for as far as the eye could see. A short distance away was a dead forest, but I’d never heard of a dragon living in a forest. I climbed myself up onto one of the smaller boulders, but found nothing. Ear flicking, I heard yelling.
“Hidden! Over here,” shouted my sister.
I hopped down and galloped over as quickly as I could.
“Think this is it?” she asked, pointing at a pony-wide crack running up the mountainside.
“Must be,” I answered excitedly. Not wanting to waste any time, I pushed through the opening. I had to wriggle side to side to make sure the battle saddle I wore would fit. I’d traded the gun I used to use for two new ones, from the same trader we’d gotten L.A.’s new pistol from. The larger size of the new guns made getting through such a small opening no easy task. The extra trouble would be worth it, though, if we did come across a dragon. While strapping weapons to my sides, reloading with a hoof kick, and firing with a bite of the bit was a hassle at times, having the extra fire power more than made up for it. I had to make do, since the rifles were too big to hold with my mouth, and I didn't have cheater magic like my sister did.
My sister squeezed in after me, the glow from her horn lighting up just enough to show the walls on either side of us. Once we were both completely inside, we started the careful trek forward. Past the light at the entrance, we found ourselves in complete darkness, broken only by the dim glow of my sister’s magic. There were no side branches, so we didn’t have anything like exploring or looting to distract us. At the same time, it meant nothing could sneak up on us from the side when we weren’t looking. Falling into habits drilled into our heads, we moved slowly and neither of us spoke. We didn’t want to alert any potential dangers, and gave us the chance to hear them coming first. If there was a dragon still here, we’d definitely want to know about it before it knew about us.
Just as I started to worry the cave was far too small for a dragon, the tunnel began to widen. The deeper we went, the wider it got, until it finally opened into a huge cavern. I couldn’t see anything once we made it out into the open. Lost’s telekinetic haze simply wasn’t bright enough to light up the entirety of the cave at the same time. So we stuck to the wall and kept circling slowly around, looking for something that stood out.
I’d expected to find something, but it was just so empty. This was just a... cave. It was ordinary in every way I could think, and completely underwhelming. Sneaking into a dragon’s lair shouldn’t be dull. “Kinda spooky isn’t it?” I whispered in a sing-song voice. I was answered by having my tail pulled. “Oof, I hope you get hair stuck in your-”
Pulling myself free from her grip, I stumbled into a metal... thing sticking out from the wall.
“You really need to look where you’re going,” she said with a snicker. “Are you okay?”
I rolled my eyes. “I’m fine. If only I could see in here,” I answered.
L.A. slid her gun away and brightened the glow from her horn. In front of us, behind the little console-thing I’d tripped over, was a massive doorway built into the cave wall. Painted in the center of it was a large ‘12.’ “It’s a Stable...” she whispered, sounding like she was remembering something. She trotted closer to the entrance from the console thing it'd stumbled against and waved me over for a better look. “Looks abandoned...”
I looked at the gigantic door and stepped back so I wouldn’t cast a shadow over it and grinned. A glint from the far side of the room caught my eye. Tearing myself from the Stable, I walked over and saw an identical door with a large ‘21’ painted on it. Well, that was weird.
“Looks like we have two Stables to loot!” I yelled, positively giddy at the prospect. Sure, it wasn’t a dragon, but that didn’t mean that there wasn’t anything worth taking. And if we could loot it before any raiders showed up, then more power to us. I trotted back over toward ‘12,’ and ended up with a hoof in my face. This time I managed to stop before running into it. “What was tha-”
“Shh,” she said, stuffing her hoof into my mouth.
“Oh Felestia, bwa,” I moved her hoof away, “did you step in?”
“The Wasteland,” she answered. Oh right... She sat tinkering with the console I’d walked into. “Mom explained how these work and what the codes are. Well, at least she explained how the Stable we came from worked. I can probably get it open, since they’re all made the same. I just need quiet so I can work.”
I stuck out my tongue and tried to scrape the taste off with my teeth. Knowing she would take a while, I rolled my eyes and I went further around the circular cavern to see if I could find a third Stable. After making a full round, I came up empty. I found lots of skeletons, but nothing else. There were bones all over in little piles, where ponies had once held each other as the world ended.
It was terrible, what had happened, how they had died. But, well, I grew up in the Wasteland and learned to get over it fast. The Wasteland was harsh, no matter what. Had I been born in a different time, maybe instead of mismatched barding and big guns, I’d be wearing a sundress and be sightseeing in Canterlot. But we didn’t get to choose when we were born, so this was my life: treasure hunting with my big sister in the remains of that world.
I prodded at the side of the console. “Are you done yet?” I whined.
“Yes, now stop complaining!” she said. “Get ready. It looks abandoned, but we don’t know what might be in there.”
I trotted back from the door with her. It always amazed me how she managed to find a way to make this sort of thing work. But given the gear and brush cutie mark on her haunches, it was just something she was naturally good at. At least she got a useful talent, all I had was a badass looking X and luck with finding more junk than most. While it wasn’t a dragon’s hoard, hopefully this Stable would hold enough stuff we could trade to the next merchant we come across to make this trip worthwhile. Maybe I could even dig up some old items that Lost can fix up for our own use.
Even if it wasn’t, it was more fun treasure hunting than getting wasted on booze or high on Dash. Not after last time... I brushed my mane away from my face and waited for her to get behind me. Bit in my mouth, and guns ready, I waited for her to open the Stable.
Lost looked at me nervously, the dim light of her magic reflecting off her blue eyes. “Ready?” she asked.
I nodded.
She flicked whatever switch she had jury rigged with her magic, and with a horrific screech, Stable 12’s door swung open on its gigantic hinge inward. Both of us shuddered, the hooves-on-chalkboard sound of metal grating against metal was... something intense. It seemed to last forever. Finally, with a thud, it stopped. The door had disappeared completely into the darkness. We both stared through the opening, waiting. I was ready if anything appeared, but couldn’t see a thing.
Then finally... Nothing.
Breathing a collective sigh of relief, my sister moved around me and into the darkness. “Guess it’s safe,” she said, her horn lighting up again. With those three words, I followed.
* * *
The inside of the Stable was very different from the Wasteland. Everything seemed quiet and... confining. I had no memories of the Stable I was born in, or what it was like, if it was like this one at all. What my sister and I were used to was... well, a Wasteland, the outdoors. It was all dirt and rotten everything. The metal floor here almost hurt to walk on, it didn't give like dirt would. It was far too solid, sturdy and cold. I felt like the walls were closing in on me, the air was stale, thick and heavy. Small spaces didn’t scare me, but I don’t think I could live like this. It was just too... gray and ominous. The cloud cover outside was imposing, but a maze of long hallways and low ceilings didn’t seem like the kind of place a pony should live. It was hard for me to imagine ponies living in a place like this, feeling cold steel on their hooves all the time.
We wandered for what felt like ages, stuck weaving from hallway to hallway and finding little but doors sealed shut by the lack of power. The corridors all started to blend together, and with no way to tell where we’d been or where were were going, I started to worry about getting lost. Any doors that weren’t already open wouldn’t budge no matter how hard either of us pried.
A few corpses dotted the hallways, all of which had long since rotted, leaving nothing but dried husks covered in tattered Stable barding. They had the flaked and rotten skin of Wasteland ghouls. It worried me, that we might be walking into an irradiated deathtrap with no way to tell. Although, we'd been wandering around the Stable for hours, and I wasn't feeling any signs or radiation sickness yet. It was unlikely that we’d be turning into ghouls ourselves any time soon.
Both the floor and the bodies we’d found were coated in a film of dust, as if they’d been lying there unmoving for decades. In reality, the entirety of the Stable was dead. Of course, everything we had seen was, but what seemed the most dead was the structure itself. The lights were all out, leaving us only the glow from my sister’s horn to guide us. I’d assumed there would be something down here, machines of some sort to keep ponies alive underground, but the only sound in the Stable was our hooves hitting against the floor. I could hear faint scraping echoing down the halls, like hooves slowly rustling against the floor.
Probably my mind playing tricks on me.
“This is strange,” L.A. said in a whisper. “Mom always said they built these things to last. Even if there weren’t ponies still here, the machinery should still be running...”
I looked at one of the corpses. “The door was sealed... so why are we finding ghoulified corpses?” I whispered to my sister. I looked at my sister expectantly, hoping she might have an explanation. All I got back was a shrug. “Maybe we should have tried Stable Twenty One first?”
“Maybe, but we’re already here, so lets finish before we try the other Stable,” she said. “Let’s see if we can’t find the room of the... what was it...” My sister paused for a moment and tapped against her head a few times while thinking. “Overmare.” She punctuated the word as she remembered it. “The Overmare’s office.”
“Okay, so where do we go for that?” I asked expectantly.
She stood there for a moment, looking around. The hazy light of her magic swung through the dark hallway, making the corpses against the walls cast eerie shadows. We had no idea where we were in the Stable, after having wandered for so long. I never knew the layout of whatever Stable we’d come from, and Lost must have been too young to memorize it. No matter which way we went from here, there was a chance that the winding maze of hallways would lead us nowhere. We’d hit a few dead ends already, leaving us even more turned around from all the backtracking.
“I have no idea, just stick close and stay quiet,” she said, her tone far too overprotective. There wasn’t a single pony alive here, only corpses. What could hurt us?
After what seemed like hours of searching and absolutely nothing to break the monotony, we came across an open door with a green glow coming through it. “Might be something there,” L.A. said, trotting closer to the door.
“Hopefully,” I said.
Lost looked inside, then turned back to me. “There’s a working terminal,” she announced. “Wonder how its on if the power is out?” She trotted into the room and went straight to the terminal. Sitting before it, she started to tap away with both her hooves and her magic.
I didn’t particularly like dealing with terminals, so I let her do... whatever it was she did to make them work for her. With what little light came from the sickly green screen and the blue haze of her magic, I looked around the rest of the room. It was very basic, with only a bed, dresser, and the terminal desk. I poked around the the dresser and under the bed, finding nothing but dresses that were too ruined to wear. With no treasure worth taking, I sat on the ancient dusty bed and watched as my sister did her sciency thing. All I could see was nonsensical, unreadable gibberish on the screen, but she somehow knew what she was doing.
“Got it,” she announced, looking back and me and smiling wide. Her magic clicked a few times on the keyboard.
I trotted over and read off the screen over her shoulder:
Dear Diary,
I’ll never understand why we have to be tied to Stable 21. I don’t trust any of them. The doors should be sealed completely, but no one here has any tools to do so. Maybe they do on 21’s side, but I wouldn’t even bother asking. If they did, they’d just steal everything we have and seal us in our own tomb.
Roselle
“Finished?” asked Lost. When I grunted an affirmative, she clicked over to the next entry in the list.
Dear Diary,
I finally went over to 21 to have a look and see how the other side lives. I snuck down last night, long after lights out so I wouldn’t be seen. I really hope nopony saw me. Their Stable is a lot nicer than ours. I think it was done on purpose… So we could see what Stable-Tec was capable of, what they’d do for the higher class ponies. They live in luxury compared to us! A guard was patrolling though, so I hurried back as soon as I heard him. Didn’t want to get caught. We don’t have guards either, which just isn’t fair. They get free range of everything, if only Princess Celestia and Princess Luna knew about what Stable-Tec was trying to do before the bombs hit. I suppose that if they were strong enough to stop what Stable-Tec was doing below their noses, they’d have been able to stop the War. So pointless.
Roselle
“Next?” I asked, nudging for her to click on the next. When she did, I started reading.
Dear Diary,
One of the ponies from 21 came over today. I managed to corner him and ask a few questions. Turns out they’re in the same boat as us. Apparently the guards patrol both Stables’ basements overnight to make it look like we both have guards. He said he’d never seen any guard ponies there, only the one on our side. I d n’t know why they built t7e basement tog^ther if w ’re not all9wed down 7here. Do3s the Over#1are kno ? %51he woul ’t kee-. thi& f%31rom us, w*u%20ld she%#12?
Rose09999#NaN={f885%i}h:$@465k>$?<ERR.trunc
Everything beyond that was corrupted, or too boring to read. The two were one in the same for me.
“Seems like somepony was teaching her the same lessons mom taught us, only with armed guards...” L.A. said as she tapped some more at the terminal. “Wonder what else they have- Oh. Hey, look.” She pointed to the terminal screen, and loaded a map of the Stable.
“But didn’t mom always say Stables were supposed to be for ponies to survive the end of the world together?” I asked idly. Then again, if Stables were all sunshine and rainbows, wouldn’t we still be living in one? “Why would they have guards and joined basements?”
Something dug at the back of my mind, seeing the Goddesses casually referred to as Princesses.
“I don’t know,” said Lost as she examined the map. Her eyes darted back and forth behind her glasses. “Let’s see... We’re here in the residential block.” She tapped one part of the map. “Over here are the kitchens, past the Atrium. Looks like they’re connected to a small... diner?” She glanced over to me, a playful glint in her tired eyes.
I finished the thought for her, “Maybe there’s still something to eat!” The mere thought of easy food made my stomach rumble.
Once Lost was satisfied she’d memorized the map, we left the room. With only her magical light and memory to guide us, we walked down the maze-like halls until we finally found right hallway. To our right were several dust-covered windows set into the wall, and through them we could see several dining tables and a kitchen’s counter. Lucky for both of us, the door leading in was still open.
I walked into the dark room slowly, stopping only when I realized the haze of Lost’s light wasn’t following behind me like it had in the hallway. I turned and waved a hoof. “Come on. There might be food,” I said.
She stared, eyes wide and a hoof pointing past me. Her horn dimmed, the pale blue glow fading away. She said nothing, but mouthed something several times. Finally she whispered, “ghouls.”
I went deathly still, before turning as slowly as I could to look where she’d pointed. At the very edge of my sister’s dim magical light, near a corkboard covered in ancient notices, stood three pony-like shapes, shambling slowly. Were it not for my sister’s warning and the quiet sound of their rough, rotting hooves on the floor I’d have missed them. They just stared at the papers tacked to the wall, as if it required their full attention. They hadn’t attacked us yet, like a feral ghoul would have. I prayed to the Goddesses that they weren’t as I backpedaled as quietly as I could toward my sister.
“Hello,” L.A. asked tentatively from the doorway.
They didn’t respond. They might have just been really enthralled with whatever was written on the board in the far corner of the room. And since zombie ponies couldn’t read... that meant they’d need to- wait. Why would a ghoul read in the dark?
“Anypony...?” she asked, her voice holding a distinctive waver.
The ghouls shifted and turned to face us, rasping growls of hunger, their cloudy eyes staring unfocused and unblinking. Okay, not ghouls. Zombies. All three ran toward us as fast as their rotten hooves would carry them.
Reflexively, I bit the trigger for the gun on my right. The room lit up with a flash of light, blinding me for a split second. The gunshot let out a deafening boom that echoed off the steel walls. The top half of one of the zombies disappeared, blown into a fine paste against the wall. The kick of the gun knocked me off my hooves and onto my haunches. “Okay! New gun is big gun,” I yelled, smiling wider than I had since I was a filly. That was some kick.
I lined up another shot, this time with the gun on my left and bit down on the trigger. It clicked.
Click? I bit the left trigger again.
Nothing.
Fuck.
“That bastard sold me a busted gun!” I screamed, after spitting the bit from my mouth.
Luckily, Lost had gotten her weapon out. She fired several shots, lighting the dark room up with pink lances of light that reduced the second ghoul to floating embers and pink ash. Every shot filled the air with a strange fizzling sound and a puff of multicolored smoke from the barrel. “This thing is a piece of shit,” yelled Lost over the gun’s PLZ-OWs.
The last ghoul looked between us, hesitating a second. With a groan, he shambled toward my sister.
She kept firing, the pink light getting dimmer and dimmer with each shot. They peppered into the front of the ghoul, but didn’t so much as slow it down.
With the ghoul too close for me to aim properly, I reared up and smashed my forehooves into its side. The flaked hide felt mushy underneath, and caved under my hooves. The air filled with a crack and a thump as the undead pony went down. As we both hit the ground, I forced my hooves down, shattering through the brittle bones.
The ghoul groaned and dragged its forehooves into the ground, uselessly trying to pull itself forward.
Lost silenced the groaning with another shot of her pistol, sending a beam of magical pink energy through the zombie’s skull. The last shot proved too much for the energy weapon. The casing shattered with a loud pop. Little shards of crystal fell from the cracked barrel to clink on the floor. In one fluid motion of her cheater magic, Lost flicked the spark cell from the back of the gun, and tossed the destroyed weapon to the far side of the room. “Fuck that thing,” she said over the clatter of it landing in the corner.
I crawled off the ghoul and backed into the haze of my sister’s light. There weren’t any other ghouls in the room, and I couldn’t hear anything nearby. I sat on my haunches and grabbed the broken rifle to pull it from my battle saddle. “Remind me to always do a test fire,” I said as I unhooked it. “The working one is worth the price of the trade, I think, but that could have gotten me killed...” Finally wrenching it free, I stuffed the busted rifle into my saddle bag. I stood and kicked the battle saddle’s reloading lever for whatever else might be hiding in dark rooms. The mechanism clicked several times, small levers ratcheting to load another bullet into the gun.
“I’m surprised mine could even fire,” Lost said, scowling at the corner she’d thrown the shattered pistol into. “That was a bit too close for comfort. We need to be more careful. Without any healing potions, we can’t risk getting hurt.” By ‘we,’ she meant ‘me.’ Sliding the spark cell into her own saddlebags, she walked over to the ghoul corpse. “Think they have anything?”
“Only one way to find out,” I answered. Together we dug through the two corpses, finding nothing but trash.
I swiveled an ear back and forth, listening for the faint sounds of more ghouls. For a second I thought I heard something, but the noise faded as quickly as it’d come. I prayed to the Goddesses these were the only three. Shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I trotted over to the board the zombie ponies were staring at. Curiosity got the better of me. I brushed the thick layer of dust away and read the notice. “Apparently, Berrypip is getting married next week...”
I ripped the notice down and set it on the counter, blank side up. If there were zombies here, she wasn’t getting married anymore. I walked past the counter and got to work.
In the dim light of Lost’s magic, we scavenged through the diner and the kitchens. We spent our time rifling through cabinets and drawers, in ovens and under counters. It went slow, since we could only move as fast as her light would allow in the dark room, but we managed to find enough. Several of the cabinets had bare-bones rations, a few leftover boxes of Fancy Buck Snack Cakes, some bottles of water that hadn’t been opened, and even a rotting lump that might have been a carrot at one point.
Behind the counter were several shutters, all closed. I tried to open them, to search for more food, but they wouldn’t budge. After several minutes looking around for some sort of latch, or a lock I could open, or anything, I finally rolled my eyes and gave up. Whatever was back there obviously didn’t want to be found.
I stuffed the edible food we’d found into my saddlebag, glad to have something slightly better than the radiation-soaked vegetables we could sometimes get from traders. They tasted horrible and often had... I shook my head. Ancient boxed food was better than Wasteland scratch any day.
Happy with the meager pickings, I turned to the zombies’ corpses. I spotted something glinting in the light from Lost’s magic, nestled in the pile of pink ash. Trotting over, I pulled it out. “How did a Sparkle~Cola bottle survive that?” I asked myself quietly. With a look back at my sister behind the counter, I slid the bottle into my saddlebags.
It would be my secret, as Lost had a habit of downing bottles of the carrot-flavored soda without sharing.
* * *
After leaving the kitchens, we backtracked to Roselle’s room for another look at the map. Once we knew the path, Lost led the way down the empty dark halls. It didn’t take long before we found the Overmare’s office. Its door stood out, being the only one we’d seen in the entire Stable with a terminal set in the wall next to it.
“Did you notice?” asked my sister.
“Notice what?” I asked. I looked around in the darkness for something that stood out.
“They don’t have PipBucks, any of them,” she answered, nodding toward one of the bodies down the hallway. “I just thought it’d be nice to take one, having a map would save a lot of time. Not to mention all the other perks...”
She was right, not a single one of the ghouls or bodies we’d seen had the little terminal-like devices strapped to their fetlocks. Apparently, they were standard issue in every Stable, even our mother had one long ago. L.A. and I hadn't ever gotten one since, as mom explained when I asked, we were too young when we left.
Of course, we didn’t have mom’s Pipbuck, it had been broken long before she died. A Hellhound sliced it clean in two during a fight when we were fillies, but that saved her leg. I shook my head, not wanting to think about mom anymore. It still hurt that she was gone...
Lost turned back to the Overmare’s Office and pushed on the door. Just like every other shut door in the Stable, it didn’t budge. Frowning, she turned to the terminal next to the door and pressed its power button. Several seconds passed before the green screen flickered on, lighting up the hallway behind us.
As I stood watch, I thought about the beautiful lever-action rifle hanging at my side, and the power it had during the fight in the kitchens. With it, I could bring the ceiling down on anything that came after us. Or I could bring the ceiling down on us if it was particularly bad. Getting crushed to death in an instant was a lot better than being eaten alive or sold into slavery.
Lost groaned, tapping harder on the keys with her hooves. She’d stopped using her magic, instead sitting hunched over and nearly pressing her nose to the screen. “Open, dammit,” she said, tapping the screen several times.
“What’s wro-”
The terminal beeped repeatedly. Lost cursed and slammed both forehooves into the screen as hard as she could. The screen flickered several times, but the door didn’t open. “It locked me out,” L.A. admitted, sheepishly.
“Here, let me try,” I said, moving to the terminal. “I know a trick. It’s all in the hoofwork.” I lifted a forehoof and pressed it against the keyboard. “Like this.” Rearing back, I smashed both forehooves into the screen as hard as I could. When they hit, the terminal’s screen shattered, and it’s keyboard snapped halfway off. The hallway went dark when the screen shattered.
Standing in the dark, with the door still locked tight, I felt rather stupid.
“That... isn’t how they work,” Lost finally said. Her horn lit up, bathing us in its pale blue glow. She glared at me through the colorful smoke coming from the broken terminal.
“Sorry... But hey, at least we know Stable-Tec built things to last,” I said, forcing a smile. That should have broken it into little pieces. “Do you have anything we can use to blow the door open? Are we out of grenades?”
“Yeah, I had to use the only one we had the last time you dragged us on a treasure hunt,” she said with a glare. Sighing, she looked down at her forehoof. “If it wasn’t for our last healing potion, I wouldn’t have a hoof left.” She glared at me, but her expression softened as she gazed forlornly at the unyielding door... “You’re right though, Stable-Tec did build things to last, I doubt we could simply blow it open.” Stepping closer, she looked at the door in the glow of her magic.
The entire door was overlaid with the design of a unicorn’s head on it, facing to the side. Several etched flower petals surrounded the unicorn’s head. The mare on the door seemed to stare directly at the keyhole. “Maybe we can find the key,” she offered.
“That’s a boring way to get into a room,” I said jokingly, while rolling my eyes. This trip was taking far too long, but if finding a key was the way to get to treasure, I was all for it. “It’s worth a try. Any idea where we’ll find a key?”
Something about the design dug at me, but I couldn’t quite place it.
“Assuming there’s a spare key lying around... Probably back in the residential area. If the Overmare had a room separate from her office, that’s where it’d be,” she mused. She yawned, and her hoof shot up to cover her mouth. “Sorry. I think we need to take a break. I’m exhausted from keeping this light going for so long...”
I nodded.
Lost wobbled on her hooves, and the haze of her magic began to fade. She looked up at me and asked, “Will you be okay if I take a-” She yawned again.
“Yeah,” I said, moving over to prop her up. “Let’s head back to that room with the terminal. I’ll stay up and keep watch so you can nap.” I rested my head against her. “Ghouls aren’t exactly quiet, and I’m too excited with hunting again to sleep.”
She nodded, and the two of us walked down the empty, dark hallways back to the residential block.
* * *
Once we’d made it back to Roselle’s room, Lost collapsed on the bed and passed out instantly. I sat watch, one ear twisted to the doorway. Aside from the occasional echoing scrape in the darkness, nothing happened.
I was bored out of my mind. Aside from the eerie green glow of the terminal’s screen, there was only blackness. It wasn’t even bright enough to pass time reading the copy of Equestrian Army Today I kept with me. To keep from being completely bored, I let my mind wander. Thoughts of other places I’d gotten stuck in, bad situations that Lost had rescued me from. I snickered. While normally I needed a hoof to get out of trouble, occasionally I saved Lost. One time I got to save her from manticores... well, a manticore... an elderly manticore. “Shut up,” I said to nopony.
My ear flicked, catching a noise through the darkness. The sound echoed through the steel hallways making it hard to pinpoint its origin. I strained, hearing four loud thuds, almost like somepony running. Jumping from the seat at the terminal, I darted over to L.A. “Wake up, sis,” I said as I shook her.
Lost barely stirred, with only a groan she rolled away from me. “Sleep,” she muttered. Opening one eye, she groggily looked at me, then fell back to unconsciousness. She was a heavy sleeper, and despite how little she got, when she did sleep it was impossible to get her up.
I tried shaking her awake several more times, but nothing I did roused her. Grumbling, I gave up, and instead turned toward the door. Lowering myself slightly, I stared at the darkness outside the room. I kept my ears swiveled forward, listening for any new sounds that might echo in.
I didn’t know how long I stood there watching and straining, but I heard nothing new.
* * *
L.A. groaned behind me, rolling back over to face me. She opened her eyes partway, squinting against the dim glow of the terminal.
“Sis! I heard a thing!” I practically shouted.
“Wha?” she asked as she lifted a hoof to rub her eyes. “I just woke up, let me turn my brain on first. What happened?” She rolled to her hooves and walked to stand next to me.
“I heard a bunch of thuds coming from the halls. They didn’t sound like they were just a part of the Stable,” I explained. Really, that didn’t tell her much. I slumped, my ears and tail drooping down, at the deadpan look my sister gave me. “Sorry, I was bored and probably imagining things.”
“That’s alright,” L.A. said, stretching and crick-cracking her back. “Shall we go look for the Overmare's key?”
“Yeah. Sorry, being stuck in the dark was getting to me I guess. Remind me to get all irradiated one day, so I can get eyes that get all see-in-the-dark glowy like the ghouls have,” I said, jokingly. I shuddered, remembering an experience long ago involving an embarrassing misstep overnight. Falling down an incline and ending up surrounded by zombie ponies wasn’t my idea of fun, and it wasn’t even the worst that had happened to me. I was a bit accident prone, luck was not a mare that loved me. More often than not, it was my own fault though.
“It doesn’t work that way, and you know it,” she answered, her tone lacking its normal playfulness. Maybe she was cranky from following my wild dragon chase, or the exertion from fighting and lighting the way. It had been a long day, or was it night... How long had we been down here? L.A. walked over to the terminal and pulled up the map again.
I heard the thudding again, echoing through the silence. “Shh!” I snapped, trying to get her attention. “Listen!”
“I wasn’t saying anything in the-”
Stuffing my hoof against her mouth shut her up. “Shh,” I hissed. I moved to the hallway and peeked out the doorway. My ears twitched, trying to pick up the thudding again.
I looked down the hallway, turning my head side to side to try and hear where it was coming from. My best guess was that it came from somewhere in the region of ‘down’, but that was only because we’d been through the entirety of the residential block and the kitchens and hadn’t seen anything. The only places we hadn’t checked were the sealed Overmare’s office, the Atrium, and the basement. Maybe it was the sound of the talismans and machines Lost had told me about starting up? Or maybe there was something past the doors to Stable Twenty One... “Must be nothing,” I said.
“Lets hope so. I found the Overmare’s living quarters. I think. It’s the largest room in the residential block, so I’m pretty sure,” she said, tapping the screen a few times to get ahold of me. She hopped from the seat and trotted out of the room, her purple tail disappearing down the hallway along with the bluish haze of her magic.
I followed, looking around for any signs of more zombies or whatever was making that noise. If Lost hadn’t heard it, it might really be my mind putting scary things in my head just by being in this tomb of a Stable. Was I really spooked this easily?
Lost led me around a few turns, using her magic to cut through the darkness. After several hallways, we stood face to face with another door, the last one here in the residential area. It stood out much like the Overmare’s office, as it had a dimly glowing terminal next to the door. A tentative push proved this one was locked like all the others.
“Well, the terminal still works here, too,” Lost said after pushing on the door. “Let’s just hope that means the doors still wor-”
I bucked it a few times, trying to force it, but it wouldn’t budge. I managed to bend the door inward, a tiny bit. Foal steps.
“That might just make it worse,” L.A. chided, her eyes wide. “If you bend it too much, it might jam and never open.” She had a point. If the door ended up broken, we’d never get anything worthwhile on this treasure hunt. No key meant no Overmare’s Office and that meant nothing valuable we could leave with.
I sighed... We’d probably just find a room with an old terminal and a corpse or two, with nothing of actual value worth taking. I hated the reality of what we did, the fantasy of treasure hunting was just... more fun. It was easier to choose the less soul crushing option.
“Maybe, picking the lock might work?” I whispered, hoping she wouldn’t hear the question. Neither of us had picked up mom’s skill with a bobby pin.
“Yeah, I’ll give it a shot if you’d rather try getting into this,” she said playfully. With a grin, she tapped her hoof on the terminal set into the wall.
Dammit. My ears flopped over in defeat. I hated lockpicking. I sat in front of the door and pulled a bobby pin from my saddlebags. With my other hoof, I slid a rusted screwdriver out. I pushed both into the lock in the door.
Snap.
I hadn’t even started it yet... Goddesses, I hate locks and bobby pins. “Lost? Give me one of your bobby pins, please?” I asked.
Without missing a beat at the terminals keyboard, she pulled out a bobby pin from her saddlebags with her telekinesis and floated it over toward me. Goddesses-damned unicorn cheater magic.
After a few minutes of twisting the bobby pin around slowly, I heard the telltale click of the lock popping. “Finally!” I shouted.
“Got it!” announced L.A. at the same time, with equal enthusiasm.
It left a small mystery to who had actually opened the door, but given that I’d spent the past minute blindly stabbing the lock with a screwdriver, I bet it was her. The door slid open to reveal a barren room, with only a made bed and a desk built into the wall. It didn’t even have a dresser.
“Well, this is... minimalist,” Lost said, breaking the silence. She sounded more than a little disappointed. “Maybe she spent all her time in the office...”
“She must have, there’s nothing here,” I agreed, stuffing the unbroken bobby pin in the corner of my mouth. Together we stepped in and looked around. While I went to look under and around the bed, Lost trotted to the desk. I flicked an ear back, hearing the sounds of her finding just as much nothing as I was. “Unless...” I muttered to myself. With my hoof, I flipped the mattress off the bed and looked at the frame. Underneath was... nothing, nothing, a safe, nothing, and nothing.
I sighed, “Nothing under...” Wait. A safe! I shoved the mattress away. “Here!” I popped the bobby pin back out from where it was nestled at the corner of my mouth and started working the lock while Lost dug around. I snapped two bobby pins in the safe before I realized it wasn’t even locked in the first place.
“If there’s nothing under the bed then,” said Lost, stepping over as I finished. She looked over my shoulder. “Oh, you got it open.” She let out a sigh and waited for me to check inside.
“It was unlocked already,” I admitted as I pulled the safe’s door open. Sitting right on top was a large bag, sealed with a clasp. I pulled it out and looked inside. My eyes widened. “It’s full of bits,” I said, lifting it up to show my sister. If the terminal logs had told me anything about what was going on here, these were probably pilfered from Stable Twenty One. Underneath the bag was was a note.
L.A. lifted the note with her telekinesis and unfolded it. Together, we read it by the light from her horn:
To Lindenleaf,
As you know, we have been in a slow waiting game for many years. Unfortunately another generation has come to control the Stable and with a new generation, comes a new Overmare. Congratulations on your new position! Attached are the instructions given by Stable-Tec from Vice President Scootaloo herself. Your counterpart in Stable 21, Heartleaf has identical instructions. As your first priority you will need to contact her as soon as possible while under utmost secrecy. Due to security concerns communication by terminal has been cut off, so you will need to go over personally. I have left a pittance to you as part of my retirement, a more personal perk of being in charge. I hope that when we are finally able to leave this place, it will serve you well.
Signed,
~Rosemallow
Well, that explains where the bits came from. I stuck the sack of coins into my saddlebags.
There was no other paperwork in the safe. There was a box of Blue Colt 5.56mm Hornets. However, they didn’t fit my gun and definitely wouldn’t have fit L.A.’s, so I stuffed the box into my saddle bags for later. Reaching to the bottom, I pulled out a key with the insignia we’d seen embossed on the Overmare’s office door. The same large five-petaled flower with the profile of a unicorn overlaid on it. I shuddered looking at it, realizing where I’d seen it before. The design reminded me far too much of poison joke and the bad memories accompanying it.
L.A. lifted the key in her magic and slid it into her saddlebags. With nothing left in the room worth taking, we turned and trotted back into the dark hallways.
* * *
Lost opened the door with a satisfying click. It felt good to get in, like a job well done. There were even bits in my bags.
I’d probably sleep with them later, beautiful bits...
We stepped into the large office. A rounded desk sat in the corner, with a series of terminals behind it. In the glow of my sister’s light, we could see a large map of the Stable tacked to the drab grey wall. On the wall opposite the map was a large circular window, overlooking the Atrium.
“Not much for color or decorations,” L.A. muttered. She walked around the desk and sat before the Overmare’s terminals. Within seconds she started tapping away at the keyboard.
“Seems to be the way of things. Just like her bedroom. Way to be mysterious, Overmare...” I muttered as I walked over to the office’s window. I’d gotten used to washed out bland colors, with the Wasteland being mostly brown. Still, Stable ponies could have livened things up a little around here. I looked through the window.
With the lights all off, I couldn’t see anything, but through the thick glass of the window, the floor seemed to move. I pressed my nose against the glass and squinted, but all I could see was vague shapes shifting around. I took a few steps back, something digging at the back of my mind. “Sis, I don’t think we’re alone here,” I said, giving a worried check to the gun at my side.
“Mmhmm...” Lost muttered, too caught up in her thinky pony work.
I looked back at the door and walked around, trying to take my mind off what I’d heard. There wasn’t much we could do with every door locked down. Hopefully the Atrium’s exits were knocked out by the power. To keep my mind busy, I checked under everything, looking for whatever might give us a clue to what was here, and if there was anything more valuable we could find. I didn’t find anything, not even an out of place scrap of paper. I kept one eye on the door, just in case.
“Nothing,” Lost announced with a shake of her head. “Well, I can restart the power, but that’s about it.” She tapped a few more keys with her magic. “Everything else is completely locked down.”
“So? Start the power. It’ll give us some light at least,” I said, knowing it would mean she could have a break from constant magic use.
“Ok, here we go!” she said. She clicked a button on the keyboard, and a shudder shook the entirety of the Stable. Flickering light rolled up the corridor as lights began to turn on, the room lit up and a faint hum filled the air. A moment later, the lights past the Atrium window lit up and with them came a loud howl, as if hundreds of ponies had just woken up at once.
“There’s more ghoul ponies in the Atrium,” I said as I stared down at the rotten fleshed ponies. Poor things, they just wandered about randomly changing directions in the tattered and threadbare remains of their blue Stable barding. Hopefully the doors to the Atrium were locked... We were safe for the moment, a floor higher where they can’t reach us... “Think any of them are still sane?”
“I don’t know Hidden,” Lost answered, sounding tired and forlorn. She looked down at them, but turned away from the window and trotted toward the door.
“Only one way to find out,” I whispered. Spinning on a hoof, I bucked the window as hard as I could. The glass only cracked, but a jolt of pain shot up my legs. I yelped and fell onto my side, my hind legs twitching. That really wasn’t the smartest thing I’d ever done, and Overmare office windows were really strong.
Lost stared at me, deadpan. She shook her head. “So, these basements and noises you keep hearing?” L.A. asked in a quiet voice. “Are you okay?”
“Shhhhh... Pain now, think later,” I whispered as I curled up on my side. One of my rear hooves kept twitching.
“Stop being a filly and come on, I know you’re tougher than that. We can go over to Stable Twenty One through the basement now,” she said. “This place is a bust. We might find something good over there for you.” She trotted over toward the map and trailed her hoof along the faded paper. “It’s not a long walk.”
* * *
With the hallways now lit, the Stable felt entirely different. Even the cramped walls felt less like they were closing in on me. In the distance came the quiet hum of machines and talismans activating and providing the wonderful light for us. Lost smiled wide, looking quite pleased that she didn’t need to keep a light on for us the entire time. It was a nice change of pace, and even though the doors to the other rooms were powered now, we had no way of knowing if they were unlocked. Secretly, I hoped they were still locked, if only because that would mean the Atrium was and the undead ponies inside couldn’t get out.
I limped down the hallways, following my sister and the signs embedded in the walls that pointed toward the maintenance levels. Were it not for the limp and the lingering pain in my leg, I might have jumped for joy. This Stable had fairly slim pickings, what with only some pre-War money that wasn’t worth its weight in bottle caps, and some ammunition. But the diary entries led me to believe that the next Stable would be far more luxurious. And more luxury meant more treasure!
“Here we are,” L.A. announced, pointing to a staircase leading down to the maintenance level. She trotted down, stopping once we got to the bottom step. The floor below was flooded, with water that rippled and splashed by the constant vibrations of the machines running all throughout the floor. Given their years of neglect and disuse, they were far from their peak condition. Some machines clanked and jerked around, as if knocking loose all the buildup from the centuries.
I winced as the rough, irregular vibrations sent little shocks of pain up my sprained ankle. Lost was right though, I was a tough pony and I’d get over it. The water ended up only being a few inches deep as we stepped into it. It felt strange against my hooves, unpleasant and almost burning. Given the ghouls above, there was a very high chance the water we were walking through had lingering traces of radiation, but it was our only way to the next Stable without backtracking and breaking into it from the front door.
We pushed on, not bothering to talk over the deafening buzz that filled the floor. The cylindrical machines lining the path all working in unison made the path almost completely deafening, and how a pony could get anything done down here I’d never know. Rather than talk, I looked around to see what exactly the machines were. Adorning the side of each were small markings, each one as unique as the cutie mark on my sister and my sides. Some had trios of suns, which I could only assume were for the lights. Others had a rolling wave, most likely for water. Others still had more designs, ranging from fans to food, covering all the Stable’s needs. Anything a pony could want for, anything they needed to survive, Stable-Tec’s massive machines provided.
I flicked an ear around uselessly, occasionally looking back to see if any of the zombie ponies had managed to find us, but saw nothing. Turning back, I sloshed through the water after my sister down the path to the next Stable, hoping I wouldn’t find out whatever made the mysterious noises earlier.
* * *
The door to Stable Twenty One was far more underwhelming than I’d expected. It looked completely nondescript, like any other door in the Stable. It was open though, and even the maintenance level of Twenty One was flooded. The machines on the other side were also identical, all buzzing and vibrating away as they powered the Stable that hopefully still had ponies living in it.
With nothing worth looting in the basement, we made our way for the stairs up. Given the Stables were joined, Lost guessed they had the same layout, or a mirrored one, and led me down the long path. I took a deep breath, enjoying the cleaner smelling air. I hadn’t noticed before, being so used to the smell of the Wasteland, but finally getting a chance to experience something better, I loved it. It might be stale, but for the first time I breathed freely.
On this side of the entrance, the machines seemed different. I couldn’t help but notice subtle changes in the sounds around me. Stable-Tec built things to last, that was for sure. These machines ran smoothly, without the clanging of gunk and debris built up inside like on the ones that had been shut off in the other Stable. The only thing out of place was the ceiling, where the occasional light was burnt out. They’d had to have been on for more than a few minutes though, since the labels and signs all around us had completely faded.
The further away we got from Stable Twelve, the lower the water level got, as if it was built at a slant. Or maybe there were built in protections against flooding that died when the power went out? But, if the power went out and radiation leaked into the Stables, why hadn’t everypony just moved over to this working Stable to escape instead of being turned into ghouls?
Hopefully, I’d find answers once we started exploring this new Stable.
“What do you think will be in this Stable?” I asked, wondering if Lost had any idea, she was always the smart one.
“I don’t know,” she replied quietly, sounding far less enthusiastic than before. Despite the nap she’d had, her bags under her eyes were bigger than usual.
I frowned. “Are you okay?” I asked. “Anything I can do to help you? You look really tired…” I stared at her, worried.
“I’m fine,” she snapped back. She sped up to a trot and went up the stairs to the next level of the Stable.
The crack of a shot echoed through the hallway as a bullet tore through my sister’s throat. Blood filled the air, splattering against the walls and across the floor.
In a moment that seemed like forever, she fell to the floor in a heap.
_________________________________________________________________________________________
Footnote: Level Up!
Hidden Fortune:
New Perk: Mare-Do-Ill (Rank 1) – With each rank of this skill you gain +5 to the Lockpick and Sneak skills.
Practice makes perfect, and you need a lot of practice.
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A good story definitely worth a read
This is a great introduction to Hidden Fortune and Lost Art, their situation and their relationship. I was thoroughly entertained the entire chapter and you ended with a cliffhanger, which would be cruel if I were waiting for the next installment (I applaud this.) I'd say good on character introduction and development, introducing questions about them that can be answered later, and throwing in a mystery Stable as well. I like the nods in there as well, unbreakable clipboards and cups, the tardis-like bags and so on.
This sure sounds interesting. Characters are sympathetic, too.
Fav'd and watched.
I have had this on my read later list for far to long without doing anything about it, so lets change that with a REVIEW TIME!
Okay so lets start this review properly. While your diary was a neat and easy way to give some exposition would I mean that it could be done more neat than how it was. Just a big portion of hotchpotch just coming at us as a wall of text. Maybe could some dates help, oh other ways to show that it is multiple and not just a single diary entry there are shown to us. Even if it is easy to see and figure out is it always better to give the readers some guiding rails, especially since many of your readers on a site like this have English as a second language and therefore a lower understanding of what there just happened.
It was only the muzzle that was melted, so could they not have saved it for later and used the parts that actually was working as spare parts? Even in the games does a gun without any durability give you a percent or two if you repair with it, and with the prices of magical weapons are those spare parts nothing to sneeze at.
I must admit that the teller style are rather neat and fitting for the pony that tells the tale, flickering from from place to place and only concentrating now and again on the things that it thinks shine. It is not a bad thing per se, but I have seen it a time or two to many, both the teller style and the main character.
Beside that may I also admit that you did not hook me with this, and that I am rather "meh" over it. It is like I have seen many of the elements before, the characters small quirks (a pony that walks into things have been seen one time to many by now), a team of sisters, and generally a "start up team" with the "stupid" pony that are the muscles and main character, and the smart pony that stands at the site and gives exposition time and time again. I know that the last part didn´t happen in this chapter, but it is a little bit to clear that it will happen. I do also think that the missing prologue have something to do with my missing interest. It is hard to explain why, but the best explanation would be that this is like jumping into a game without a intro, right into the action. And I know that it works for some, but sadly not you.
Nitpicks. And this is here I point out those things that my work damaged pre-reader eyes find that my mind can´t leave behind. If they are irritating will I not make a list like this next time, but you get one no matter if you want or not this first one.
"HIDDEN FORTUNE” She yelled" You can´t really use "she" properly without introducing the character first. Or sure you can, but it does not look good, especially not when you try to tell a story like this from a first person perspective.
"How the fuck did I not see that?" You have a double space before this sentence.
"I hope you get hair stuck in your teeth.” And one in this one.
"did you STEP in!" You start a new dialogue here, so this need to be in capital letters, or use action tags
"the hooves on chalkboard sound of metal grating against metal was... Something intense" As far as I can see do you not use your ellipsis here as an long period, but instead to show a break in the word flow, so there is no need for the capital S after it so far I know.
"After what seemed like hours of searching and absolutely no action and more importantly no treasure ," Your ending comma are on the wrong side of the space here.
"They didn’t respond at first" You have a double space in the start of this sentence.
"Oh well, it’s off now and I can’t fire with my mouth full!" You have a tense jump here, and direct speech to the readers does not really work when you talk about a past event. You can comment on it, but not talk about it like this without breaking time rules.
"but it had broken" I think that you want to look at this sentence again.
"I can’t keep this light going…” Why is there an ellipsis here? It does nothing as I can see, so should it not just be a normal period?
"…Ok so I wanted to look at the pictures in a copy of Equestrian Army Today we found recently." I think that you want to delete either your ellipsis or the period there are in the sentence before it.
"or anyone who gave a shit for that matter" Should be in present tense because she talk directly to us
"Of course, that was also where Roselle had said there were doors to the heretofore unexplored Stable 21." You have a double space before all this.
"Well, this is... Barren." Use use the ellipsis as a long space, so there is no need for the capital B.
"Of course we were safe to shoot them from here, they can’t reach us…" Should it not be couldn´t?
"The ground had an inch or two of water in it" I think you mean on it, would be rather weird to find out that the floor have water in it.
"The bags under her eyes were bigger than usual. I frowned." The last sentence of these two are rather blunt, and are a clear sign of telling instead of showing, maybe do you want to look at it again.
And the last nitpick, your line in the end, the one that you use before your perk, are to long. To get a rather neat one can you always use the [ hr ] command, just without the spaces.
A little smart advice to catch things like double spaces are doing a Crtl+F search after them, and I must admit that it is also the way that I found them all after seeing the first one.
I loved the idea of 12 and 21 being joined up like that. It just screams Fallout social experiment!
I can't wait to read more, cause dis gon b gud.
Hidden Fortune looks like a very likeable pony, very clear and without many mannerisms. Apart from that, the idea of the twin Stables is very promising! Worth reading indeed!
Great first chapter.
Woohoo, rewrites. I have no idea how these were before, as I've only just gotten to this party. On with the show!
This was a great opening, and the whole time I'm just expecting something to go wrong somewhere, making scenes like the one with Hidden guarding Lost as she sleeps particularly effective. But really, I like how the sisters play off each other, and the image of both of them proclaiming success on unlocking the door at once was fun. I was surprised that Hidden admitted the safe was already open, thought I'd gotten a read on her by then and thought she'd take the credit. It's been said before by the other comments that the mirrored Stable design is cool, and I'll go ahead and repeat that: the mirrored Stable design is cool. I'm eager to see what the mystery here is.
In truth, all this is some gravy on top convincing me of what I had already decided on. You had me thinking I was gonna enjoy this story starting right here:
I got a chuckle, and this was a great way of opening things off. Hell, right from this line I get a pretty solid outline of both Hidden and Lost. I would call you a terrible, awful human being for ending the chapter like that and leaving me in suspense, but... unfortunately I have already seen enough art of L.A. (I love that nickname) to figure she survives. It's an effective ending though, and I had to talk myself out of hitting the button to continue because I need my sleep, thank you very much. Scratch that, I'm still going to call you a terrible human being anyway. Damn you for tempting me to stay up longer and see what happens! Oh well, congrats on finishing the rewrites and you've gotten yourself at least one new reader out of it.
I like H. and L.A.'s interactions as it really sets the tone for more of a "two MC" story which many other stories don't really have. The set up of certain things (Sparkle Cola bottle) and a couple of other details that were placed throughout the chapter were good as well. The stable (mirror/match thing) is pretty interesting and I'm curious to see where that is heading. It was a bit slow for a first chapter though I suppose it had to be a set up for two characters as opposed to the more conventional solo MC.
I liked it and will read on when I have time again.
right, fist chapter in and I'm sold. This is going to take me a long time to catch up.
I figure feedback is always nice, and since you are a story with reputation, I don't have to be too soft with you.
I certainly like the concept of this story, after all, the wasteland is a treasure trove not yet plundered. The idea of a dragon cave sounded interesting (since a lot of stories don't go into dragons early on) and I was really looking forward to the idea. After all, what would you do if you found a dragon cave? Hurrah for treasure, but you still then have to deal with a dragon. I was a little disappointed that it was just a pair of dragon-less stables. The biggest flaw would probably be the lack of conflict. I'm not saying that defending yourself from ghouls isn't conflict, but we don't have much to invest in the outcomes of the conflict. At this point in the story, there is an apparent void of the driving force. I have heard that this story has good villains in the future, so I would guess that would clear up with time. As it remains, this chapter had a tendency to feel like "Fallout: Hallway Simulator". I was never huge on the experience of looting things, but I know some people certainly are. It would have been nice if some of these hallways scenes could tell us more about the pre-war culture or what is going on. I want to end on a high note and say that you have some fun and quirky characters that play off of each other well. It is certainly one of the strengths of the story. Take this all as constructive if you can.
The first scene gives us a good first impression of the story, for two reasons. The first being that we are given enough information about who our heroes are, what they’re doing, and how they have lived their life thus far. All of this gives the readers something to feel compelled to keep reading, which is important: The job of a writer is to make readers get hopelessly addicted to your words.
The second, and I feel is very special, is that Hidden and Lost don’t really need to do what they’re about to do. Sure, they probably need to scavenge junk to sell for food and ammo and what not… but they could’ve scavenged through something more safe. Why go to a dragon’s cave (or, at least what they believed was a dragon’s cave)?
It’s simple: Hidden and Lost are doing this because they want to. Hidden obviously sees this as an adventure, and Lost, while she might have some reservations, is nonetheless going along with this.
This is the Call to Action: the characters are making a choice that will be the catalyst to the journey they’ll be taking for the rest of the story. Much like what LittlePip did in the original. LittlePip never needed to go out of the Stable to search for Velvet. Sure, her Stable hates her now… but they’re not out to kill her, and honestly they’d eventually move on. But LittlePip wants to, and she’s not going to wait for the story to force her to become a part of it.
Just like LittlePip, Hidden and Lost are not going to wait for the story to happen to them; They are going to happen to the story. They are active protagonists. They do not need to act, they want to. And wanting, when it comes to character motives, are more interesting than needing.
Moving on. The exploration of the Stable was nice: we get some established lore on both of these Stables, once again reinforcing from the original how StableTec was poisoned by the ‘ends justify the means’ mentality that ultimately resulted in the apocalypse. We also learn even more from our protags via both their banter with one another, and being able to demonstrate their skills.
The chapter does drag on near the end, however. Like, the scenes where Lost goes to sleep, then Hidden wakes up and hears a noise, that all could’ve been gutted. It’s an unnecessary pause in the pacing. If the goal of that scene was for Hidden to hear something, why not do that while they’re awake and exploring? Why cut it, as well as trim down the segments going over the whole exploration into just a few brief paragraphs. Occam's Razor and what not.
Anyway… Bricks.
What do I mean by Bricks? Big, chunky paragraphs that often take up nearly most of my computer or phone screen, thus making it very difficult for me to digest while reading. Said difficulty makes it longer for me to finish the chapter. And the longer it takes for me to finish a chapter, the more demotivated I get to continue reading.
This is more of a me thing though, mind.
One comment mentioned a major flaw of this chapter being a lack of conflict: I strongly disagree. There isn’t a lack of conflict… but rather, the conflict in general isn’t really emphasized enough that most readers would pick up on it. What would that conflict be? Easy.
Hidden and Lost are finding jack shit. It was bad enough that the dragon’s cave was a lie, it’s worse that they aren’t getting any good loot out of it. And Lost Art is getting stressed out about it. Obviously this is not the first time this has happened.
That’s the conflict.
In spite of all my nitpicks, this still succeeds in being a good beginning for Treasure Hunting, and I’m honestly hooked into reading more.