TD and the Lyra
It's over. It's all finally over.
I am no longer a crazy winged pegasus mare, I'm a human being once more and nobody is going to be chasing me anymore.
At least, I hope not being stalked by any more depraved stallions under the effect of an insane want it, need it spell. That would really ruin my day to be quite honest. I've just gotten over the shock of all that happened yesterday, I don't need to have any strange misadventures today.
I throw my warm blanket off of me with my hands, thank goodness it's not hooves today, and throw on some clean clothes before going back to work on grading the papers for the foals of Cheerilee's class. The chaos of yesterday meant that I didn't actually get past Silver Spoon's paper so I have to finish them today if I'm going to get them back by tomorrow. Of course, I'll also tell them the story of yesterday because there is no way that they won't want to know. I think I'll leave a few things out though.
I uncap my red pen to begin grading Twist's paper when, once again, I hear a knock on my door. I frown and cap my pen again. It had better not be something that is going to get me or other ponies into trouble.
I stand up and walk over to the door. Upon opening it, I see a mint green unicorn mare that I've seen around town a few times. In fact, this is the mare that went all creepy on my hands the day that I almost died via cupcake. Uh, what's she doing here?
And why does she have that gigantic smile on her face?
"Uh, can I help you?" I say. The rational part of my brain is telling me to slam the door in her face so that whatever she's planning, and that smile tells me that she's planning a lot, can't come to fruition. You know what? I think I might do that if she doesn't answer me in a few seconds.
"Hello," she says in this overly-enthusiastic, and more than a little creepy, voice. "You're human!"
And that does it; I am shutting the door on this madpony. I can't deal with this today. In fact, I can't deal with this any day.
However, I quickly find out that there come problems when a non-magical being, such as myself, tries to shut the door on a determined, and very magical, being. More specifically, that magical being fires a freezing spell on the non-magical being, again, in this case, me.
Thankfully I have been standing in such a way that when the freezing spell hits me, leaving only my eyes and lungs to move, I don't topple to the floor. That will probably be the only positive thing about today.
The unicorn moves past me with a squee of happiness and shuts the door behind her. I can only stare at her in horror, wondering what she has planned for me. Based on her ever growing smile as she looks at me, I can only imagine that she doesn't have anything good planned.
"You're more beautiful than I could have ever imagined!" she whispers. "Bon Bon said that you aren't real, that humans are just something that I dream about every night, but that don't really exist! Well, I guess she's wrong, isn't she?"
Oh please don't kill me. Don't take me down to some basement to dissect.
The unicorn continues on her rant as she takes a large sack out of a bag that she has slung on her back. "Well let's see who is wrong now, Bon Bon! I assure you that it isn't I who is wrong! I, Lyra Q. Heartstrings, have officially confirmed the existence of humans!!!"
...Q?
Besides that, I've been in Ponyville for about four months now and we've already interacted! This makes no sense!"
Well, I don't have to wonder about what her plans are for me for too much longer. She somehow manages to get me inside that sack she brought, not an easy feat considering how large I am, and she begins transporting me... somewhere. I can't really see out of the sack at all. I can hear a few things, namely the town itself going about their days and such, but I doubt that she's going to be stopped and me saved.
Man, why can't I just have a good day for once?! Why does this stuff have to keep happening to me?
Well, since Ponyville is kind of a small town, it isn't too long before I feel myself being put down. Judging by the fact that I heard Lyra open a door, I imagine we're in her house or something like that. Yep, a quick tug on the end of the sack shows me that we are in some place of residence. I'm still frozen and I'm standing in what appears to be a sort of main room of the house. Lyra is staring at me, dare I say lovingly, and circling me now.
"We are going to have so much fun together!" she says. Oh dear, please kill me now. "I mean, you're a human and you have hands! What about that isn't a recipe for hours of fun?"
That's what... she said? No, that might not work. I'm just waiting for her to unfreeze me so I can begin planning my escape. I can't escape too well when I'm completely frozen.
The depraved unicorn opens her mouth and is about to say something else when the door behind us opens up. She gasps and levitates me into a closet and slams the door. Dang it, that was my best chance to get away.
"Lyra, I'm home!" says the newcomer.
"I'm here, Bon Bon!" says Lyra.
Come on, Bon Bon, please have some sort of hat or scarf that you need to put away. Just open up the closet door and see the frozen human that your depraved friend has brought home.
I hear Bon Bon's approaching hoofsteps and Lyra's greeting. Good, Bon Bon is standing right next to the closet door. Now if she could just open it...
"Hey, Lyra. Anything new happen while I was out?"
"Uh... no, nothing new today. Absolutely nothing of interest happened at all. Nosirpony, nothing at all. Yep. Pretty boring day. Yep."
Bon Bon is silent and I have to imagine she is giving Lyra a very quizzical look. Lyra isn't the best liar to be honest. I think a newborn would be able to sense that Lyra is hiding something. I hope that Bon Bon figures out that it's me sooner rather than later.
"Say Lyra," begins Bon Bon. "You wouldn't happen to be hiding anything, would you?"
Lyra unconvincingly giggles. "Me? Noooooooo. Why would you suspect that I'm hiding something? I mean, am I acting suspicious at all to you?"
"Uh, I think you and I both know full well that you are acting very suspicious. So would you mind telling me what it is you're hiding?"
Lyra sighs at the question and I hear her shuffling her hooves. "Okay, do you want to know the truth? I'm hiding your birthday present in the closet."
"My birthday present? My birthday isn't for another three months."
"Well what are a few months between best friends? Besides, I saw it today and I wasn't sure if they'd have it come your birthday so I decided to get it now instead of hoping that the store would have it in three months."
"Hmm. I see then. And which store was that again?"
Lyra chuckles and I hear her move in front of the closet door. Drat. "Oh Bon Bon, I can't tell you that. It would definitely give it away."
Bon Bon is silent for a moment as she contemplates the words of her depraved unicorn friend. "Well, I guess that makes sense then. Okay, I'm going upstairs for a shower. Would you mind putting my hat away for me since I apparently can't look in the closet?"
"No problem at all best friend housemate of mine!" says Lyra. I hear her horn fire up, presumably to take the hat and to my horror, the sound is complimented with the sound of Bon Bon walking away. My fears are confirmed when the mint green unicorn opens up the door to the closet and flashes me another creepy smile.
"That was a close one, wasn't it Mr. Human?" she says. "It's time to get you somewhere safer where housemates don't come snooping around."
With another charge of her horn, she puts the hat away and lifts up statue me just as the shower upstairs turns on. Bon Bon cannot save me right now. In fact, I can't use my wits to get me out of this either, me being frozen and all.
Well Lyra levitates me in front of her and quickly brings me to the basement door and we go downstairs where I see she has set up a table of some sorts. Great, she has straps on the table. Even when I'm unfrozen, I'm not going anywhere. I see she has been planning this kidnapping for quite a while.
My suspicions are confirmed when she uses her magic to strap me down to the table. she still hasn't unfrozen me, which is getting kind of annoying, I must admit, and I'm wondering what she has in store for me. I can't imagine that I'm going to be wondering much longer as she looks like she's getting something ready. Oh please don't kill me!
Lyra turns around and puts a strange box on a small tray next to the table that I am currently strapped to. I can only imagine what horrors await me after she opens the box. I am not looking forward to this nearly as much as she is.
"Okay, the freezing spell is coming off and after that, we can get started!" says Lyra. I finally get the opportunity to respond as the freezing spell slowly melts off of me and I regain feeling in my body.
"Okay you psychotic mare, let me the heck go!" I command.
Lyra raises her eyebrow. "Uh, why would I do that? I mean, I have real life human lying right in front of me! In my position would you let the human go right away?"
"Yes, because I'm not a complete sociopath," I deadpan.
Lyra frowns at me and uses her magic to open the box. "You know, you really should be more respectful of me. I mean, I'm holding you captive here. I can do whatever I want to you!"
"Oh please nothing sexual," I mutter.
Lyra's frown deepens and she cocks her head at me. "Sexual? Well, I hadn't thought about doing anything sexual to you." To my surprise, Lyra's creepy smile returns in full force. "Until just now!"
"OH COME ON!"
Lyra laughs at me and pokes my right hand. "Nah, I'm just teasing you," she says. "I like stallions. I'm sure that you're objectively attractive back in your world, but I don't see you as attractive myself." Lyra shakes her head and looks at my hands. I feel a slight tingle in my fingers as she grabs them in a magical glow and forces them to curl and uncurl.
"Please tell me I'm not down here so you can do that to me for six hours," I say.
Lyra giggles at me and releases my hand. "Of course not!" she says. "You're going to be doing stuff too!" With that ominous statement, Lyra reaches into the box and pulls out, of all things, a rubber ball. "Okay, now hold the ball in your hand!" she instructs me.
With nothing better to do than humor this madpony, I allow her to place the ball in my hand. The second my fingers wrap around it, Lyra squeals in absolute delight and begins bouncing up and down in the air. "Okay, now drop it!" I do that too and she squeal some more. "Oh, your hands are more beautiful than I could have ever imagined! Who knows what uses ponies everywhere could have for them?!" Lyra takes a notepad and pen out of the box and begins drawing my hands. Great. She might be at that for a while.
"Uh, quick question," I say. "How did you come to suspect that humans existed before I come to Equestria?"
Lyra shrugs and continues drawing my hands. "Well, I guess I actually do know," she says. "You see, it all started when Pinkie Pie--"
"Lyra, are you down there?"
Yes! Bon Bon is here! I open my mouth to call for help but Lyra is one step ahead of me and shoves her hoof into my mouth. Great, I don't even want to imagine where that's been.
"Yes I'm here, Bon Bon. Uh, don't come down!"
"Why not?" asks the other pony. "What are you doing down there?"
"Uh, I'm building your birthday present!" says Lyra. "Top secret stuff. I wouldn't come down here for another... oh, I'd say three weeks or so."
Oh you have got to be freaking kidding me. I shoot Lyra my best death glare and she shrugs at me again.
"Lyra, I heard somepony talking down there. Who's with you?"
With me? Nopony is with me, why would you think that?" says Lyra with a nervous chuckle.
"Again, because I heard somepony else talking."
"You did? Oh, uh, I mean, of course you did! I... well, I'm dating somepony and I brought him home to... see the basement so we could do couple things like kissing and puzzles and hugging and other fun things that dating couples do!"
Bon Bon is silent for a moment and I can tell that she clearly isn't buying any of this, thank goodness. "Lyra, I don't think that you have a date down there which means that you're lying to me. Why are you lying to me, Lyra?"
"I'm not lying!" Lyra insists. "Listen, he's kissing me!" To my shock, you'd think nothing she does would shock me anymore but you'd be wrong, Lyra beings kissing her foreleg and making exaggerated noises to go along with it.
"Lyra, I know you're--"
"Not lying here!" says Lyra. "My date is very shy and that's why he hasn't said anything! You're really scaring the Pope out of him so you should just go back upstairs!"
Scaring the...?
"Scaring the what out of him? Lyra, that's not one of your odd human phrases, is it?"
"What? Noooooo," says Lyra. "I don't have any odd human phrases!"
"Lyra, last week you said 'that's bad like a Fonzie TV'. You do too say odd human phrases."
"Well it'd make sense to a human!" insists Lyra. I look at her and shake my head.
"'o ih 'ouldn'," I say. "'ose are uh 'upideh 'ords i'e e'ur 'urd,"
"What was that?" says Bon Bon. "You know what? Forget it. I'm coming down."
A look of horror crosses Lyra's face as the sound of Bon Bon coming down the stairs fills our ears. "You can't!" she says. "We're both nude from many rounds of wonderful intercourse!"
"Firstly, we're ponies; we're naked all the time. Secondly, you're going a little fast for a first date aren... aren... oh my."
Yeah, Bon Bon has reached the bottom of the stairs and is looking in utter bewilderment at the sight of me strapped to a table with Lyra's hoof shoved in my mouth, not to mention the fact that Lyra has to stand on her hind legs to do it. Lyra looks absolutely embarrassed at being caught like this and me, well, I just wanna go home!
Bon Bon only looks bewildered for a few seconds before her look changes to one of pure fury. Thank goodness, she's going to get me out of here!
"Lyra, what are you doing?" she says.
Lyra laughs nervously for a few seconds. "Uh, nothing, nothing at all!"
Bon Bon narrows her eyes and points at me. "Lyra, that doesn't belong to you! It belongs to Twilight and her friends!"
...WHAT?!?!??!?!?
"He's not an 'it', Bon Bon, he's a 'he'. Besides, he has his own house now so I don't think that Twilight and her friends were using him anymore!"
"So you think that makes it right to just take him?!" says Bon Bon. "Did you ask Twilight permission to do this?"
"N...No of course not. That'd be utterly ridiculous!"
At this point I've pretty much had enough. "'yra, 'et 'our 'uhing 'ooh ou'a 'y 'ouh!" Lyra looks down at me and thankfully complies with my request. She stands back on all fours while I start spitting to get the taste of Lyra hoof out of my mouth. Thankfully I have mouthwash at home.
"Okay, now can I please say something about all of this?"
"Go right ahead," says Bon Bon, still glaring at Lyra.
"Thank you. Firstly, I'm not ANYBODY'S! I'm my own human and I certainly don't belong to Twilight and her friends!"
"See!" says Lyra triumphantly. "He--"
"And I don't quite appreciated being kidnapped and brought down to the basement so you can do odd things to me like making me hold a rubber ball and drop it!"
"I just wanted to see how your hands worked!" says Lyra.
"Lyra, you could have just asked me! I've been teaching Twilight and the schoolchildren all about my world for the past five months! This was completely unnecessary!"
"Oh so if I just ask you you're going to teach me?"
"Not anymore!" I say indignantly.
Lyra sighs and shakes her head. "Well then this is necessary then, isn't it?"
"No it isn't, Lyra!" says Bon Bon. "You really need to let him go at once!"
"BUT BON BOOOOOOON!"
"Seriously, listen to--"
Bon Bon holds up a hoof. "TD, I think I've got this." Bon Bon turns back to Lyra. "Lyra, may I ask where this obsession with humans came from?" To my surprise, she doesn't sound stern anymore. She's being far gentler.
"Well I don't know," says Lyra. "I mean, Pinkie Pie--"
"Yes I know all about the incident with Pinkie Pie," says Bon Bon. "But what made discovering humans trigger this obsession with them? Why did you suddenly latch onto this subject?"
"Well because... because..."
"Lyra, is it because you felt that your life has no purpose and humans are filling the void you feel that you have in your life?"
Lyra's jaw hits the floor at the accusation and even I have to admit, I'm interested to see where she's going with this. If it gets me out of here then I'm all for it.
To my surprise, Lyra's eyes fill with tears and she sits back on her haunches and sniffles a little bit. "I... maybe. I don't know," she whispers.
"Because your life isn't pointless. You have a lot of ponies who care about you, and your music career is really flourishing. Your lyre playing skills bring joy to lots of ponies, there is meaning in that. Doesn't bringing joy to ponies make you happy?"
At this, Lyra breaks down into full out sobbing and she stands up and hugs Bon Bon tightly. "NO!!!!" she wails. "I couldn't stand it, Bon Bon, I couldn't stand the crushing monotony of my life! Day after day playing the same songs for the same ponies, I couldn't stand it! Humans were fun, new, exciting, and they surprised me at every turn! They were color in my otherwise grey world!"
Dude...
Bon Bon begins patting Lyra on the back. "Shh, it's okay," she soothes. "You haven't really done anything wrong yet. Just let the human go and we can talk more about this. But Lyra, I want you to know that your life does have meaning; it does have color to it. It's only monotonous and drab if you choose it to be so. We can talk some more if you let the human go."
"YES!" says Lyra. "Yes I will let the human go! I don't know what I was thinking!" She breaks away from the hug and rushes over to me and buries her head in my shoulder. "Oh Mr. Human, please forgive me! I didn't mean to bring you any harm!"
"Uh..."
Lyra uses her magic to undo the straps on the table and I quickly stand up. I'm getting out of here.
"I'm so sorry about all of this," says Bon Bon. "My housemate here can be a bit... extreme."
"And I'm sorry too!" says Lyra. "I should have just asked you instead of humannapping you like that!"
"Uh... okay," I say. I'm slowly backing up the stairs, eagerly awaiting the freedom of outside. The two follow me up the stairs and once I get to the top, I rush to the front door and throw it open.
"Goodbye, TD," says Bon Bon. "I'm sorry about this!"
I turn back and nod at the rational pony of the two. Despite myself, I make eye contact with Lyra. The unicorn wipes her eyes and to my horror, she flashes me that creepy smile once more and mouths to me: 'I'll see you later'.
Needless to say, I run like Lyra is actually chasing me.
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I KNEW IT xD
ALL THREE!!
First? O_O
Oh my gosh, I lol'd. Hard.
To the author's note: ALL THREE
EDIT: Damn, fourth.
I like the idea of the mirror pool -- interesting concept to see how they'd deal with multiple copies of TD...
1904524 I will do all three. I'm asking which you want first.
1904523 I am doing all three. Which one first?
Mirror pool.
Um... about that "Q" in lyras name does it have something to do with discord, beacuse that would explain little bit of her insanity?
1904555 Oh. Okay, then, the D.O.R.K.S. I want to see what else he makes up. It makes me LOL.
I'm so happy this chapter came, I've been waiting for it since TD came to ponyville. Hilarity was in the potential and hilarity was achieved.
Ciao darling
1904556
ah shouldnt read this early then.... uhhh.. lesse............ ze love one!
Make Luna and Celestia fight over him, then get the same advice for both Luna and Celestia from the D.O.R.K.S and let them clone themself so that they can "claim" their TD with their Clone-Army!
i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2008/8/31/everybodywask128647225796117533.jpg
In response to the author's note:
MIRROR POOL AND D.O.R.K.S.2 FTW!
I want to see them all I can't choose between them!!
ALL THREE!!!
1904592 Which first?
I would like to see Mirrors first, oh the possibilities
You can do that? DO IT MAN DO I!
Do all three at once.
Or Celestia & Luna love thing.
Whichever.
Yeaaahh Td Vs the Dorks 2 Would Make My Day Again
And Another TD Vs Blueblood Would be Nice too
Then The Mirror pool With multiple TDs Vs 1 Blueblood
Will You Give link To The Sequel After Its done With the first 2 chapters
My Comment Sounds Like trash
Link 2 the sequil plz? And i say mirror pool.
The mirror pool will be a change in pace for writing so that could be first if thats what everyone wants.
Im a patient person and can wait for all three. Good luck with them.
TD VS DORKS first
Do it.
Everybody/pony else is being dumb and saying 'all three'. And I say start out with that.
Unless you will go for the opinion of your close/loved ones which I respect and will hold no grudge.
Luna and Celestia. Let's see what a couple crazy goddesses can do to poor TD.
Random stray ending quote mark. Either remove it or add a beginning one. Also, good interpretation of Lyra.
You need to write more TD Trolls.
I called it! She wasn't in love with him! Ha! In your face shipping fanon!
TD needs to install a peephole in his front door.
TD vs. D.O.R.K.S.!
Luna and Celestia in love, because it has to happen.
Luna and Celestia sounds like it'd be pretty funny. I pick the third one!
Damn it, it's a tie between Mirror Pool and Celestia and Luna falling in love. The one I'd probably want more is Mirror Pool due to multiple TD's snarking the hell out of everyone.
1904948 He did the best with what he had and I think it's great.
Revenge of the D.O.R.K.S. all the way baby!
Mirror Pool.
DORKS 2. The first one was hilarious!
All options are good
Luna and Celestia for the next chapter, please.
I was kind of expecting more mares to take an interest in the spindly legged alien. Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you punch their beloved princess ruler in the face. Twice.
Mirror or Luna & Celestia. Keep the D.O.R.K.S. away for as lone as possible.
The Mirror Pool [And have two of the Clones fall in love with Spike LOL
I want all three!
Though if you twisted my arm behind my back and put a gun to my head... I'd still want all three.
But if you threw in a promise of a kick to the nuts if I didn't comply, I'd go with the mirror pool.
TD vs D.O.R.K.S 2.
1904596 TD X Celestia and/or Luna
Are you going to resolve the whole creepy Lyra thing?
1904557
Star Trek.
Q.
He voiced Discord.
The dorks
1905190
*krhm* That is why i asked it.
1905220
That's why I answered it. Even if there was no question mark.
Wait. Did I do something Wrong? Sorry.
1904556
D.O.R.K.S 2 please
1905224
Oh, you didn't do any thing wrong.
I just wanted to know beacuse TD took notice of that "Q" so it has to mean something.
Edit: Lyra is probably Discords greatgreatgreat etc. etc. grand daughter.
i would like to see the Luna and Celestia one first