TD Meets Poison Joke and That Only Begins His Problems
This chapter turned out to be my silliest, raunchiest, most ridiculous, and plain odd chapter. You have been warned, you have been encouraged, good luck and I hope you enjoy.
And so when the Germans invaded France in the 1940s they changed the politics of the land all around them. They set up a puppet government in Paris and they enforced martial law amongst the people in that land. It was a long time before the Americans, Canadians, and the New Zealanders stormed the beaches of Normandy on June 5th 1943.
I uncap my red pen and began to circle a few things that Silver Spoon got incorrect on her paper on World War Two. The big glaring errors were that the Germans set up a puppet government in Vichy, not Paris, she missed that and the UK stormed the beaches of Normandy as well, and the invasion was on June 6th 1944, not June 5th 1943. Other than that, she did a pretty decent job on her paper.
I am about to move on to grade Twist's paper when I hear a loud knock on my door. I cap my red pen and move to open it. To my lack of surprise, the Mane Six are standing behind it.
"TD, TD, TD, you have to come help us, something super-duper awful has happened!" says Pinkie Pie. I frown at the urgency of the mare. Huh, if she says something is wrong then I guess something is wrong.
"Uh, okay. What happened then?" I question.
"The Cutie Mark Crusaders got the bright idea in their little noggins that there might be some opportunities in the Everfree Forest to find their cutie marks!" says Applejack. "Ah read a note from them tellin' me that they had gone there!"
I nod and quickly slip my shoes on and grab Reginald. "I'm on it," I say.
"Good," says Twilight. "The seven of us will split up and see if we can't find them that way. Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash will be in one group while Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and I will be in another. Rarity and I will send up red sparks if we find them."
"How come I don't get to be in a group?" I ask. "Isn't the forest dangerous?"
"You will be checking the outskirts of the forest," explains Twilight. "Start by looking around Zecora's hut. You'll go alone because it isn't that dangerous. Bring Reginald just in case, though."
"And if I am the one who finds them?" Twilight reaches into her saddle bag and pulls out a small firework like device with a string on the end.
"Just pull the string to set it off and we'll find you. Here's an extra one on case you get in trouble."
I take the two firecrackers and place them in my pocket. With that we head out.
It doesn't take too long to reach the Everfree Forest, particularly with how fast we are all going. When we reach the edge, we split up into our groups with Twilight telling me how to reach Zecora's to see if she had seen the wayward Crusaders. I run in the direction that she pointed me towards with a purpose. I have to find the Crusaders! If something bad happened to them then... well, I don't know what I'd do. I'd be very depressed, that's for sure.
Thankfully the whimsical rhyming zebra's house isn't that far into the forest. I don't have to travel through any treacherous terrain to get there, save for an odd patch of blue flowers that squished when I stepped in them. It was only a five minute journey to get to the house and when it came into view, I saw…
"There you are!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders all turned to me as I came into view of Zecora's home. The wayward Crusaders smiled at me when I came up to them.
"Hey, TD, how's it goin'?" says Apple Bloom.
"What's going is that your sisters and I have been worried about you! Don't you know how dangerous this place is?" In all honesty, I don't really see what the big deal is because aside from when evil goddesses were deliberately messing with things, the forest never really struck me as all that dangerous. Still, they had all lived there far longer than I had.
At the mention of their sisters and friends, the Crusaders all drooped their heads and flattened their ears. "We left Applejack a note," mutters Scootaloo.
"Yeah, didn't she read the back sayin' that we'd ask Zecora to watch us and give us some advice?"
"Uh... now that I think on it, she didn't bring that up." It didn't really matter, though. The Crusaders were safe and the Mane Six still needed to know. I reached into my pocket and fired the firecracker into the air.
"What was that?" asks Sweetie Belle.
"It's just a flare to let them know where we are." I guess they really do work as Twilight, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie instantly are teleported next to us, followed by the other three a few minutes later.
"They were near Zecora's house when I found them," I say.
"Apple Bloom!" says Applejack. "You're okay!"
"A'course Ah am!" says Apple Bloom. "Didn't ya read the back of the note sayin' that we would ask Zecora to watch us?"
"It doesn't matter if you did leave a note," says Rarity sternly. "The Everfree Forest is no place for three fillies."
"But Zecora was goin' to watch us!"
"But she wasn't home," finishes Scootaloo. "We were going to come right back to the clubhouse!"
I sigh and rub my temples. "Well I guess it doesn't really matter now," I say. "You're safe and that's what matters."
Thanks to the fact that the Crusaders did leave a note, they are in less trouble then they would have otherwise. Still, their respective sisters and idols do take them back to the clubhouse to have a few words with them about asking for permission before going out into the Everfree Forest, even when they were just going to Zecora's.
With the Crusaders all settled in, I slung Reginald over my shoulder and headed back home to finish up my papers.
* * * *
That night is... odd. I keep dreaming about pizza that keeps transforming into Darth Vader. I don't know why, but in the dream, Darth Vader takes his lightsaber and slices off my... Garden of Good and Evil. Y...Yeah, it's one of those dreams. Oh but it didn't end there, it continues after Darth Vader (who had turned blue and orange spotted) plays fixer-upper, my hair grows out considerably and I even shrink down a bit.
All in all, it is one of my odder dreams, even after I had come to Ponyville.
Of course, like all things the night does come to a close and I open my eyes to discover that the morning hath arrived, as the lunar goddess would say.
Ug. I didn't finish grading all of those papers last night. I have to get on that if I'm going to be ready to hand those all back tomorrow. Thank goodness it's Sunday and I still have another day to work on the last two or three of them that I didn't manage to get to. I would have finished last night but I was really exhausted for some reason. Well, that is incidental at this point. I'm awake now and I'm going to grade the papers right now.
I move my arm and toss the blanket off of me and stand up to get myself some breakfast. The second that my feet touch the floor, I stand up and I find myself to be really woozy all of a sudden. I can't keep my balance! What is going on?
With a suspiciously high-pitched yelp, I crash to the floor with a loud bang. My jaw makes contact with the solid floor which, I have to admit, isn't really fun for me. I sit up on the floor and I rub my jaw with my hands.
Hands...hands...hands...
Uh, where are my hands?
My eyes widen as I stare down at the ends of my arms where my hands used to be. I instead only find... HOOVES!!!!
With a high pitched scream I leap off the floor and stand at attention so I can look over my mutilated body.
Oh crap. What the heck happened?!
My further examinations of my body only increase the growing feeling of sheer horror bubbling up inside of me. I have now shrunk down considerably and my arms have been turned to legs! At the end of each leg is an appendage that is unmistakably a hoof. Worse yet, my dashing red hair has turned pink and my white skin has been replaced with light blue fur.
No freaking way. I'm a freaking PONY!!!!
I let out another scream as the full realization of it all hits me. I've been in Equestria for too long! My metabolism couldn't handle all of that pony food and now I've turned into one! This... no, this is all Celestia's fault! She didn't want to feel bad about me being the only human so she turned me into a pony! How dare she take my life in her hooves like that... AGAIN!!!
Oh, I'm going to get you, Celestia! I'll turn back into a human if it's the last thing I do!
Somehow the anger coursing through my body causes a new set of appendages to awaken inside of me and I feel something fluttering by my sides. I look to my left... ug, flank... and see a light blue wing spread out beside me. Wait a minute...
I reach a hoof to my side and prod the wing slightly. It flutters a bit at my touch and I frown at its reaction. Something seems wrong here. I use my new instincts and fold them once again by my side to see if it's... yeah, I think I get the problem now. See, I've spent enough time around pegasi to know what their wings look like both when they're out and when they're folded neatly by their sides. As such, I know what's wrong with my new wings: they're upside-down.
I grit my teeth and facehoof this cruel twist of fate. The only thing that could possibly make this a little tolerable and Celestia messed up on that too. If she can't fix me then she had better at least fix my new wings or there will be hell to pay for a lot of ponies!!!
I rush towards the door to see if I can't find Twilight so she can at least see if she can't fix me. However, when my hoof reaches out to the door I screech to a halt.
Now that I'm a pony, I don't have any clothes that can fit me. If there's one thing about Equestria it's that most of the ponies go around nude so I won't be out of place. Still, I am going to feel extremely awkward if I'm walking around and my... 'Gapetto's Workshop' is flopping around all about. I haven't really noticed it now but I did have bigger things to think about in the few minutes since I've been awake. Well, this is the biggest issue now.
I look between my new legs to see how much effort I'm going to have to expend to make myself feel comfortable and for the third time today, I am met with a gigantic surprise.
Not only am I a pony, not only am I a pegasus with upside-down wings, I. Am. Now. A. Pegasus....
MARE!!!!!!!
* * * *
Well with the 'Garden of Eden' issue resolved, I find myself bolting towards Twilight's house as if Reagan MacPinkie Pie is chasing me once again. Gosh I hope she isn't. That really isn't something that I need for today.
In my hurry to get to the abode of the purple unicorn, I don't take too much heed of a few welcoming greets my way. I hear a few shouts of 'hey there, welcome to Ponyville' and 'good morning, ma'am,' and the like but I really can't give them any heed. I'm not a girl anyway. Well, technically now I am but... you know what I mean!!!
As I rush through the town, I pass by a small crate that I don't think anything of until it opens up. Just out of the corner of my eyes I see a pink blob rapidly expanding from the crate and I only barely duck in time to avoid it giving me a tackling hug.
"Hello there and welcome to Ponyville!" says a hyperactive voice that could have only come from one pony. Despite my inner warnings I turn around and see Pinkie Pie standing on the crate from whence she came and smiling at me. Oh this really isn't the best time.
"Uh..."
"You're new, right?" she says. "I mean, I haven't seen you around Ponyville before and if I haven't seen you around that means you're new, right and if you're new then you don't have any friends here in Ponyville and that makes me so sad and I thought to myself, Pinkie Pie, you need to get this new mare some Ponyville friends because even if she isn't in Ponyville for too long she could always use more friends and if she makes friends in Ponyville then she'll want to come back to Ponyville and if she comes back to Ponyville then we can have more parties and she can make even more friends and we can have oh my gosh, TD, how did you get turned into a pony?!"
The gears in my head slowly turn as my new pony brain works overtime to slowly sort through each of the things that she said. The stream of new words is creating quite the traffic jam so it takes me a few minutes for all of the words to get through. But when they do, I realize that she had somehow recognized that the new pony in town is none other than the transformed local human. I blink slowly when I realize that she is staring at me, waiting for a response.
"How.... how did you know it was me?" I ask. Shoot, my voice is far more high pitched to reflect my current gender.
Pinkie Pie giggles and prods my left foreleg. "Nopony in all of Equestria looks quite like you do when you're being confused with the stuff I'm saying. You get this funny look when I'm talking a lot and that's how I knew."
"Uh... look?" I question.
"Oh yeah," she confirms. "Your left eyes goes all 'woowooowooowoo' and your mouth goes all 'wah wah' and your left forefinger goes all 'crickey, crickey, crickey'. Since you don't have fingers anymore, your left ear did that and that how I knew it was you!"
"Uh... s...sure," I respond.
"Now that we've got all of that settled, how did you get turned into a pony?" questioned the hyperactive mare. I groan and rub my temples with my hooves.
"I don't know," I finally respond. "I have a few theories, but I kind of want to run them by Twilight first just so that I know that I'm not going crazy."
Pinkie Pie giggles at me. "What's wrong with going crazy?" she asks. "I went crazy years ago but in all the right ways!"
Uh... sure. who can argue with that either way I guess. Well, I guess it doesn't matter because Pinkie Pie is definitely insane somehow. Of course, talking about that now isn't what I'm after. What I'm after is Twilight telling me why I'm a freaking girl pony with upside-down wings. Since I figure that Pinkie Pie is going to come with me, I beckon her onwards and it isn't too long before the two of us are knocking on Twilight's door.
I'm only standing in front of the library's porch for a few seconds before Spike opens the door.
"Oh, hey Pinkie Pie," says the dragon. "Who is this with... holy fire rubies! TD, how did you get turned into a pegasus?!"
"What?! How did you know it was me?!" I inquire loudly.
Spike smirks and points at my face. "You've been in Ponyville long enough that I'd recognize that scowl on your face anywhere." I scowl some more at his comment and he only breaks out into laughter. "Yep, that's the one." The dragon steps aside to let us in. "I assume you want to see Twilight about this."
"If it wouldn't be too much trouble," I snarkily reply.
"Well she should be in the basement," says Spike. "Last I heard, she was working on some safer variation of the 'want it, need it' spell."
Pinkie Pie cocks her head. "You mean that spell that made the whole town go crazy for that smarty pants doll?"
Spike nods and begins leading us to the basement. "Yeah, that's the one," he says. "She's been working on a few variations for a couple days now."
When we reach the basement, Spike opens the door for the two of us and leads us to Twilight. I myself take a few tries to get down the stairs properly as I am not quite used to walking down stairs on four legs instead of my normal two. I make it work well enough after a short time though.
Well, it only takes a few seconds after we reach the bottom step to confirm that the scientist librarian is in fact in the basement. I can hear her muttering something to herself and I can hear her horn exerting some magic. If I had to guess, she's writing some notes down.
Spike opens up another door for us and we walk in to see Twilight diligently writing down a plethora of notes on stacks of paper. You know, like you do. Spike mentions that he's going to leave us to it and he walks back upstairs to the main library.
Pinkie and I stare at Twilight for a brief moment. She clearly hasn't noticed that we've come in. She's just writing more and more notes. I frown and clear my throat to get her attention. To my complete horror, Twilight yelps in shock at the intruding noise and in her shock, her horn lets out a spell that ricochets off the wall in front of Twilight. Knowing better than to just stand there, Pinkie Pie and I both duck the oncoming spell which is to our credit as it sails harmlessly over our heads.
However, it turns out that neither of us is safe as the spell once again ricochets off the wall it hit. Only this time, it comes straight at me. My reflexes aren't fast enough and the beam of light hits me squarely in the face.
"Oh my goodness, are you alright ma'am?"
"Don't call me ma'am," I growl as I stand up. Apparently the spell left me no worse for wear. "What was that spell anyway?"
Twilight shuffles uncomfortably in place for a moment before she answers. "I've been working on variations to the 'want it, need it' spell. I'm not quite sure what that one does, but if Pinkie and I aren't immediately attracted to you then I guess it was a failed variation."
I breathe a sigh of relief at the news. She would know, I guess.
"So, Pinkie Pie, who's your friend here?"
Pinkie Pie giggles at Twilight while I opt to frown. "Guess who she is," says Pinkie Pie.
Twilight frowns at her antics but she ignores them for a moment as she looks me over. "I don't know," she says. "I don't think I've ever seen you before in Ponyville."
"Are you suuurreee about that, Twilight?" says Pinkie Pie. "I think she's been here quite often."
"I'm going to murder you," I growl.
"Aw come on, TD, I'm just having fun," says Pinkie. The second she realizes that she said my name, she puts a hoof over her mouth. "Oops," she mumbles. The damage has been done though and Twilight's jaw is on the floor. It begins to move as if she wants to say something, but rational thought and the Equestrian language both seemed to have left her. I decide to help her along a bit.
"Yes, Twilight, it's me."
My words snap her out of her shock and she shakes her head to make sure that she is not dreaming. "What happened to you?" she whispers.
I shrug. "I have no idea," I say. "I woke up like this." I flap my new wings out to drive the point home. Twilight walks up to me and puts a hoof on my wing for a brief examination.
"Hmmm," she says. "Your wing is upside-down. I've only seen something like this once before. It was..." Her eyes widen in what I'm going to guess is sheer terror. "Poison Joke!" she says. Pinkie Pie gasps and I take a nervous step back.
"Uh, what's that exactly?" I query.
"Poison Joke is only the biggest meanie in all of the plant world," says Pinkie Pie. "It cursed my tongue so I could hardly talk!"
"And it made my horn all floppy so I couldn't cast magic," says Twilight.
"I assume that Rainbow or Fluttershy had their wings turned upside-down? That's where you've seen it before?" I guess.
Twilight nods and allows me to fold my wing back up. "Yeah, Rainbow Dash. It made Fluttershy's voice really deep."
I raise my new pony eyebrow and despite myself, a smile tugs at the corner of my mouth. "Really? I... I'd pay to hear that."
"It wasn't that funny," scolds Twilight!
"Yes it was!" Spike calls down from upstairs.
"Spike, stop listening in on us and do your chores!" yells Twilight. She grimaces and shakes her head at the baby dragon before continuing on. "Anyways, I think I have good news for you."
I breathe a huge sigh of relief. "You do?"
Twilight nods and beckons me up the stairs. "Yes. As you can see, my horn is no longer floppy or anything like that so by all logic, there must be a cure, correct?"
"Correctiddy-doo!" says Pinkie Pie.
"Right," says Twilight, ignoring her friend's odd word choice. "Now, when we ran into poison joke, we found a book in the library that provided a pretty simple cure."
"You mean, Zecora showed you the book after you refused to read it," corrects Spike from the next room.
"Spike, that's enough!" says Twilight. She turns back to us, clear irritation rising in her expression. "Anyway, when we got cured thanks to Zecora making us the curing bath, Aloe and Lotus, the ponies who work at the spa, asked her for the recipe so they could make it for customers. So, all we have to do is get you to the spa so they can make you the cure."
"That's it?" I question.
"Trust me, it'll be really easy and I promise that nothing will go wrong."
My left ear twitches at that blatantly fate tempting phrase, but I decide that since she knows what she's talking about and I don't, then I should just trust her on this one. I mean, what could possibly go wro…ahahaha, I almost said it. That would have been bad.
Almost on cue the universe decides that it was close enough and Spike walks in.
"Spike, TD, Pinkie and I are going to the spa to turn him back to a human. Hold down the fort while we're gone if you would be so kind."
Spike doesn't respond. He only begins staring at me with a wide eyes expression, like he's never seen anything like a pegasus with upside-down wings before. I'd say that he hasn't, but Twilight just explained that he has.
"Uh... Spike, are you listening to me?" asks Twilight. All of a sudden Spike bursts out int a big smile and I think he's going to start laughing at me again. His next words are, in fact, far more horrifying.
"Hello, beautiful! I've never seen you around Ponyville before. How would you like to have a brave, strong, dashing dragon show you a good time?"
"Spike, what the heck?!" I say, backing away from the rapidly advancing dragon. "It's me, TD! This isn't funny!"
"TD. Such a beautiful name for such a beautiful mare."
"Spike, what the heck is wrong with you?!" I'm rapidly running out of room to back away from the dragon so I turn to Twilight. "Do something!"
Thankfully my words snap her out of her confusion and she envelops the dragon in a telekinetic field. "Spike, what's gotten into you?" she asks. "This is TD, remember? He doesn't really appreciate you hitting on him!"
For whatever reason, Spike begins to look absolutely bewildered at Twilight's perfectly reasonable statements. He looks between the two of us and shakes his head a bit before he turns back to me and that dreamy smile reappears.
"Don't be daft, Twilight." To my horror Spike bends down and since he was already short he had a decent look at... I cover up pretty quickly. It is too late and Spike nods and straightens up. "This TD is definitely a mare." Spike shoots me a happy look. "And what a beautiful mare she is!"
I back away in sheer horror but I find myself backed into a corner. Thankfully Spike was still under Twilight's control although it wasn't for lack of Spike trying to get to me.
The only pony who finds this remotely funny is Pinkie Pie. She has spent the last few minutes absolutely on the floor, laughing at Spike hitting on me. She isn't helping restrain him, she isn't trying to help the situation at all: she's just on the floor, laughing her poofy pink head off.
"Pinkie Pie, this isn't funny!" I yell at her. "Do something productive!"
Pinkie Pie only continues her laughter while Spike struggles against Twilight's spell. To the surprise of Twilight and I, she actually manages to stutter out a few words. "H-H-He, I m-m-mean s-s-she, got *hahah* hit by your s-s-s-pell!"
It takes a few seconds for Pinkie Pie's words to register with us, but when they do, Twilight lets out a surprisingly spectacular gasp. "The want it, need it spell!" she says. "I hit you with the want it, need it spell!"
"What's that?!" I ask.
Twilight struggles a little more with her dragon assistant, hopefully strengthening her hold on him. If he got out and Twilight couldn't get him in time... that would get bad very fast. I don't think this would get... uh, you know, but I don't really prefer him being really clingy. I've heard horror stories from Rarity.
"It's a spell that's cast on an object and everypony who sees that object is immediately infatuated with it," explains Twilight. "That's what's going on with Spike, he's infatuated with you!"
"Holy crap!" I say. "Do you have a solution?"
"What I'm curious about is why I don't get funny feelings for TD by looking at him right now," says Pinkie Pie.
"I think it's because I was working on a variation of the spell," guesses Twilight. "I think the spell was adjusted so that ponies under the influence of the spell would only be drawn to the object if they were naturally drawn to it anyway."
"So because you and Pinkie don't like mares, you're not affected?" I ask.
Twilight holds up a hoof. "Hold that thought."
With what seems to be a great deal of effort, Twilight begins running towards the basement door, Spike in tow still wrapped in magic.
"NO!" yells Spike, reaching out for me. "Don't keep me from my true love!"
Twilight forcibly shoves him through the basement door and slams it before locking it and putting some sort of spell over it.
"That was creepy," I mumble. "Really, really creepy."
"Well everypony who is attracted to mares is going to react the same way when they see you," explains Twilight. "All we have to do is keep you out of sight while we head over to the spa!"
"Can't you just lift the spell?" I ask.
Twilight sighs and shakes her head. "This is a new spell," she explains. "I'd have to work for a long time to figure out what the counter-spell is. If my hypothesis is correct, nopony here is attracted to a human male. So, if you are turned back into a human male then the spell won't really matter and I can work on a counter spell just in case!"
"Okay, fine, whatever," I say. "So we just have to go to the spa and wait a few minutes while they set it up and I'm cured?"
Twilight nodded. "Yep. We just have to think about how to get you there."
At this, Pinkie Pie begins bouncing in the air and waving her hoof. "Ooh, ooh, ooh, I know! I have a cart for Sugarcube Corner deliveries that we can put him in! I can have it back in a jiffy!"
"Excellent," said Twilight. "I'll get a blanket to cover you up with and we'll be on our way once... oh, there she is."
Somehow during the course of our twelve second conversation, Pinkie Pie left without us noticing, got the cart, came back, and somehow she even went up into Twilight's room and is now folding a blanket over the cart which she has also managed to fit it through Twilight's door.
"Ta da!" she says proudly as she presents the cart to me and Twilight. "Your chariot, your majesty. It has been modified so that the stallion plebeians of Ponyville cannot see thy royal visage, and be enamored by your subtly feminine beauty! I take it that your royal plot is pleased with the mode of transportation that this humble party pony has provided for you?"
What the...? "Geez, Pinkie Pie, you're making Luna sound like a teenager! You are way too into this!"
"Just get in the cart and we'll change you back!" says Twilight. Her expression seems to indicate that she is becoming just as irritated with Pinkie's enthusiasm as I am.
I shakily jump into the cart, still haven't gotten used to the whole 'four legs and hooves' thing. Twilight has to help me into the cart a little bit but when I'm in, she levitates a pillow inside so I could be vaguely comfortable before covering up the cart with the blanket.
Somehow Pinkie Pie manages to get the cart out the door and we're on our way.
I hear the cart approaching the Ponyville town square and I steadily start to get more and more nervous. What's going to happen if we get stopped by some stallion that knocks over the cart, causing me to spill out? I don't quite look forward to that scenario but as I hear more and more stallions I panic more. You never know how many stallions Ponyville has until you're hiding from all of them.
Suddenly the cart stops and I hear a sound that might as well be the psycho strings to me now: a stallion's voice. The doctor at the hospital if I recall correctly.
"Good morning, Twilight," says the doctor. "And Pinkie Pie, how are you both today?"
"Oh, we're both really good. How are you, doctor?" says Twilight.
"I'm also doing well," he says. I hear him walking away but his hoofsteps stop after only a few feet. "Oh, before I forget; I haven't seen TD around lately. I still have to check on his back to make sure that that his bruise went away nicely and that Celestia's magic worked well enough. I'm sure that it did but I need to check up just to make sure."
"Oh..." I hear Twilight say. "Uh, yeah, I'll let him know about... uh, that."
"Excellent," says the doctor. "I hope that he's doing too well physically."
I hear Pinkie Pie giggle. "Oh, I think that he's gone through a few changes."
Pinkie Pie, shut up.
"Uh, nothing too bad I hope?"
"Nothing that a trip to the spa wouldn't fix," says Pinkie Pie.
"Well that's good," says the doctor. "I hope that he's doing well emotionally as well. I know he rather disliked the princesses after the Gala but I hope that his view on them has inverted."
Pinkie Pie giggles again. "Oh, I think that a lot of things about TD have 'inverted' if you ask me."
Pinkie Pie, SHUT UP!!!
"Er... I'm not even going to ask," mutters the doctor. "Uh, what's in the cart if you don't mind me asking? It's the cart you use for deliveries, yes?"
"Oh, yes," says Twilight. "Aloe and Lotus really like muffins and we're going to deliver some of them. I'm just helping Pinkie Pie out with her deliveries. They're our last deliveries and I--'
You know, I think the excuse would have worked if it wasn't for a certain mare who ruins everything at that moment. With a war cry of "MUFFINS!!!" the mare in question knocks over the cart to get the baked goods that she's after.
I tumble out of the cart as Derpy collides headfirst into it, knocking it over.
*Buy some apples*
Time slows as I regain my bearings. I look up to discover Pinkie Pie, Twilight, and the doctor staring at me, sprawled over the ground. My periphery vision tells me that Derpy is eagerly looking inside the upturned cart, looking for the baked goods that were never there in the first place.
Although, if you asked the stallions who had come around looking for the source of the noise, they might tell you differently. I'm trapped like a fox around, let's see, one... two… three... uh... thirteen hunting dogs. Oh, and I'm a fox with only three legs. Man, this analogy is getting more awkward by the minute.
Well, I'm running now. I suppose that I should run towards the spa or something where I'll actually get cured, but I find myself a little cut off right now. Twilight and Pinkie Pie are both running slightly behind me, trying to buy me some time. For what, I don't know. I can't exactly tell them where I'm headed and they can't exactly tell me what any plans that they have are. All we can do is run and hope that my... er, admirers don't catch me.
Considering that some of them are pegasi who are far faster than I could ever hope to be, I'm almost overtaken several times. As such, Twilight has to expend more than a little effort to send some of the pegasi that catch up with me the way of Team Rocket. I can tell that she's getting kind of tired, though. Running and blasting ponies into the pony ionosphere is taking a lot out of her and it isn't more than a few minutes of running before Twilight collapses on the ground. She can't help me anymore and I don't expect her to.
One of the problems of running through town is that the large crowd following me has attracted quite a bit of attention. And the more attention that I draw, the more stallions join in the chase. I'm getting really tired by the twelfth minute of the chase and I'm not really sure how much longer I can keep it up. Thankfully Pinkie Pie runs up beside me.
"TD, I have an idea to buy you enough time to get away!"
"Good, what is it?!" I ask.
Pinkie Pie doesn't respond, she merely pulls out her party cannon from somewhere and wheels it around to face the oncoming crowd.
"No, Pinkie Pie, it's suicide! It'll never work!"
With a look of determination that I've never seen from her, Pinkie Pie loads chocolate chip cookie dough into her party cannon.
You NEVER load chocolate chip cookie dough into the party cannon.
Why do I know that? Well, don't ask me that. In fact, never bring it up again.
I screech to a halt and reach out to the suicidal mare. "Pinkie! It'll destroy you!"
"Save yourself, TD," she says as she aims the party cannon at the oncoming crowd. "Make it to the spa; it's your only chance at a normal life!"
"A normal life? Pinkie, I--"
"Go! Don't let my heroic sacrifice be in vain!"
"Pinkie, no!"
Pinkie Pie doesn't listen; she finishes loading the party cannon and beckons for me to save myself. I don't know what else to do so I run. I hope that her sacrifice won't be in vain and that I can make it to the spa.
I can't look, I can't see the teenage wasteland, minus the teenage as far as I knew, that Pinkie Pie firing a party cannon loaded with chocolate chip cookie dough will bring to the stallions of Ponyville. I'd feel bad for them, but their continued shouts of 'stop running my true love' and 'it was meant to be, my sweet, you are the most beautiful of mares' and 'your radiance rivals the cutie mark of Celestia herself!' are kind of taking that feeling away from me. Of course, the oddest one was 'your left hoof is the most spectacular of the left hooves I have ever seen. How I would long to *oof, hey stop pushing, she's my mare!* as I was saying, how I would long to be a horseshoe on that hoof that I may be there when you cl--"
I tune out after that one. I didn't quite know that it, or any of this really, would go there. I'm kind of horrified that it did.
However, their words are all rendered moot as I hear a massive explosion behind me. Pinkie Pie did it. That crazy mare, she did it. She fired the cannon.
Well, since I don't hear any calls after me, I don't expect that anybody is following me anymore. I run for another minute before I allow myself to look back. Pinkie's sacrifice wasn't in vain so far. Nobody is chasing me, allowing me to stop for a second to catch my breath and look around.
I find myself currently in the middle of some sort of field not too far from the edge of Ponyville. Good, I think I know my way to the spa from here.
I am about to walk towards the building in question when I hear loud whooshing sounds above me. I look up and to my delight I see Rainbow Dash practicing some tricks above me. I look ruefully at me useless wings as I cannot simply fly up to her to get her attention. However, that doesn't matter after a few seconds as Rainbow Dash spots me looking up at her and she lands next to me.
"Hey, TD. How'd you end up as a pony?"
"Uh... how did you know it was me?"
"Your cutie mark is that computer thingie of yours," she responds.
"Ah." I didn't even know that my cutie mark had appeared. Better not tell the Crusaders about this part. "Anyway, I had a nasty run in with some Poison Joke. To make matters worse, Twilight hit me with a spell and now every stallion in town is after me!"
Rainbow Dash frowns. "After you? How so?"
"Romantically," I squeamishly explain.
The rainbow pegasus grimaces and looks in the direction of the town. "I take it that you need to get to the spa, then?" she says.
"Yes, on the double! I'd rather get there sooner rather than later. Twilight and Pinkie Pie both fell in my defense."
"Fell? What do you mean?"
I beckon Rainbow Dash on towards the spa. "Twilight got tired using her magic to keep the pegasus stallions away and Pinkie Pie stopped the hoard by loading chocolate chip cookie dough into her party cannon."
Rainbow Dash gasps and looks at me with a look of sheer horror. "She didn't!" I grimly nod and Rainbow facehooves. "I was there the day that she, no, all of us, learned that she should never do that. The results..."
"I know, Rainbow. I was there for the paper bag incident."
Rainbow Dash shakes her head as we walk into the town perimeter. "That was foal's play compared to the first time," she says.
"Oof, that must have been..."
"Terrifying," finishes Rainbow.
"Gotcha."
With the stallions of the town incapacitated, it is a relatively uneventful trip to the spa. I get greeted by a few mares around the town, which, despite myself, gives me a heart attack every time, but we both make it there in good time.
To the utter lack of surprise for both of us, Fluttershy and Rarity are both in the waiting room at the spa, waiting for their weekly get together to begin. Oh that's right, it is Tuesday, isn't it?
When she sees us come in, Rarity places the fashion magazine she was reading back on the table and smiles at us. "Why hello there, Rainbow Dash."
Fluttershy looks up at the two of us as well at Rarity's words. "Oh. Hello, Rainbow Dash, Hello, TD."
You know, I'm not even going to bother asking how she knew it was me. Rarity isn't so perceptive and she cocks her head when she looks at me. "And who is this?" she asks. "I don't think I've seen you around town before."
"Rarity it's me, TD," I say. "I got hit with a want it, need it spell and Poison Joke so now I'm a pegasus mare and everybody who is attracted to mares is after me!"
To my surprise, Rarity glances at Rainbow Dash and shrugs. "Well, I guess we're learning a lot about each other today," she mutters
Rainbow Dash does manage to pick up on it and she frowns at her unicorn friend. "Rarity, I'm not into mares! How many times must we have this--"
Rainbow Dash is interrupted when the door to the spa vibrates as somepony runs straight into it. Rainbow Dash flies over to the small window near the door and her eyes widen with horror. "They're here!" she says.
"What?! How did they find us?"
Rainbow Dash quickly moves a couch over the door and beckons Rarity to do the same with the couch she had been sitting on. "I don't know, but we have to make sure that you get the cure in time!" Rarity uses her magic to stack the couches, completely blocking the door just as Aloe and Lotus come in.
"Good morning, Miss Rarity. Are you ready for your spa treatment today?" asked Aloe.
"There is no time for the spa right now," says Rarity grimly. "The spa is under siege! We need to get this poor mare to your Poison Joke cure at once before the stallions break in!"
Aloe and Lotus shoot each other knowing looks and Aloe walks to the back room. "My sister will prepare the cure, I will help you with your defenses." She turns to Rainbow Dash. "Miss Rainbow, I need you to go to the top floor and lock all of the windows save for the one right above the door. Miss Rarity, I need you to take a few buckets of spa mud and pour them on the invading scum! Miss Fluttershy, I need you to barricade the back door if you can and Mr... uh, Miss TD, I need you to help my sister make the cure!"
We all nodded, after I decided to stop thinking about how Aloe knew, and rushed off towards our respective jobs. I made to where Aloe is frantically pouring all sorts of herbs and gels into a hot tub like device.
"I'm here to help you," I say. "What do you need me to do?" Before Aloe can answer, we hear a loud banging in the door, followed by surprised screams from a few stallions and a 'take that you ruffians' from Rarity. We're running out of time as I assume Rarity doesn't have unlimited buckets.
Despite the mud assault, the pounding on the door becomes louder and I'm not sure how much longer Rarity and the rest of them can hold them off. Aloe is running as fast as she can, but I'm not sure if she is going fast enough. She's hopefully almost done, but the eager yells of the stallions are getting louder and I'm getting more and more worried.
"Worry not mister... er, miss TD, I shall be ready in a minute!"
"Just hurry up!" I say.
"I hear Rainbow Dash yelling something about how 'there are too many' and Rarity calling back 'fight on, Rainbow. I need to re-load for a moment!' Fluttershy is whimpering in the corner and all hope seems lost the moment I hear both the front door and the back door break down. Rainbow's right: they're here!
"Are you ready?! They've broken in!"
Aloe doesn't answer; she simply pours one last jar into the tub, turns to me, and nods.
Time slows as I bolt towards the tub, eagerly awaiting my transformation back to a human male. Out of the corner of my eye I see the hoard coming, spilling into the spa with eager looks in their eyes. I know that the stallions around here aren't looking for... that per se and that it's more like when the Crusaders told me they fed the love poison to Cheerilee and Big Mac, but it's still kind of creepy all the same. No matter, I'm almost at the tub now. It'll all be over soon I hope.
When I reach the edge, I leap upwards, hoping that I'm good enough on four legs now that I can jump into the spa with little trouble. To my utter delight, I seem to have gotten it right and I enter the Poison Joke cure with a loud splash.
I'm in the water now. I can only hope that the cure worked and that I'm a human again. I suppose that the only way to know for sure is to get out of the water and see if I'm still being chased by two dozen love-struck stallions.
I timidly poke my head out of the water and raise my arm to my face to see what species I am. To my utter delight, I find myself looking at my right hand, right where it should be. I look down to examine my body and, in fact, everything is right where it should be. I'm a human again!
I hear the stallions behind me all murmuring something about how they thought their true love was here but I hear them disperse after a few moments. I don't bother to turn around to look back at them. I know what Pinkie's party cannon has done to them. Poor Pinkie Pie.
Aloe walks up to me and hands me a towel as I exit the tub. Thankfully the cure also left me with my clothes on, but I'm still soaking wet otherwise. It could be worse, thought. It could be much, much, much worse.
I turn around to see Fluttershy, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash behind me, smiling at their successes. I smile back at them and walk up to the trio.
"Thanks, you guys. I couldn't have done it without you."
"Oh it's no problem at all, Darling," says Rarity. "I'm sure you'd do the same for us."
"I would now," I say.
"So, what happens with the spell Twilight put on you?" asks Fluttershy. "Are you sure there aren't any mares around who would be attracted to you?"
I scoff at the question. "I doubt that anypony in Ponyville is attracted to a human male. Besides, Twilight is going to be working on the counter-spell anyways when she re-charges."
Well, after that confirmation, the four of us help put the spa back together before heading out. I myself head straight back to my house, hoping to get in a nice sixteen hour nap now that this whole fiasco is over.
Little do I know, that I'm not quite right about nopony in Ponyville wanting a human male...
Dogman15 provides an excellent look at TD as a pony
Again, sorry for the huge delays with the sequel. I had hoped to get it to you last week. 
On a happier note, this story comes with even more TV Tropes blurbs!
I would have gotten this chapter to you earlier but I read The Spiderses because I'm tossing around doing a reading of it on Youtube with an outrageous French accent and, well, everybody's ability to read and write plummets after reading that story. Don't get me wrong, it's hilarious, but... yeah.
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Oooo I'm sensing failed relationships... Great chapter, it was pretty funny.
Bro, this is the internet. I'm sure I can handle it.
Besides, aren't we bronies odd (and amazing) enough?
1886884 And don't you ever forget it!
All those mentions on TVTropes are great and all, but a story like this deserves an actual page there. Also, now part of me is wondering who would want....Lyra. Definitely Lyra. Unless I'm forgetting something from the actual story, then I'm guessing Lyra.
Red Sparks... Do I sense a Harry Potter reference?
Did he not remember his 'encounter' with Cloudkicker? XD This was genious good work sir.
OH NO LYRA!!!!!!!!!!!!
Was the left hoof thing a reference to Hitman?
1886926 No, that quote actually had more Shakespeare in it than Hitman.
Pooor Poor TD life just sucker punched him in the non-exsistent balls.
O.O If I'm right then I'm sensing an opportunity for some funny lines. "You just want me for my hands!"
Er, TD? Remember that unicorn who freaked out over your hands?
*reads the end of the chapter*
Oh, nevermind.
.....
You're bucked.
My only response: TD, you're doomed.
Man, that was funny! I laughed, a lot. What happens next? I GUESS WE'LL FIND OUT
...or will we? Please tell me you're finishing this.
I guessing it is a certain lyre playing blue pony.
The universe is out to get you TD.
Ranma 1/2 all over again.
I'm not going for Lyra, not until I know for sure. But maybe the author decided, 'screw the fanon' and just decided to use another pony.
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Oh god
poor TD. Lyra gonna rape yew
My featured box.... My beautiful, beautiful featured box.... Shipping shipping, shipping, clop, shipping, my little somepony, more shipping, and this. I am disappoint.
OH MY GOD THIS WAS BRILLIANT! (All I worry about is Lyra now...)
I'm a gonna say Lyra.
also
Fear the pony with the Golden Eyes TD! FEAR HER!!!
My guesses on the ponies are Lyra, Cloud Kicker, and Cheerilee. Not sure why I would think Cheerilee, but I'm thinking it.
So... laptop as his cutie-mark, eh?
1886962
Actually I think she wants the fingers.
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If you know what I mean.
1887173
I know! There should really be more clop!
The moment I read that, I knew where this was going. And it was glorious!
Does this count as cannon? Are you going to make a part two to this chapter? Is asking multiple questions in a row annoying?
Last question. Did you skip pre-readers for this chapter? There seemed to be more mistakes than usual.
Okay, I lied, one more: Do you have a new estimate of when the sequel will be ready, and if so, can we hear it? Please?
well lets see, Lyra maybe chaise him, perhaps you can put some other mares to spice things a little more…uyy and if Celestia or Luna are interesting, then TD is screw, doom if both are, hell I don't want to imagine if Gilda appear and she is into humans too
1887184
Don't you mean fingered?
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1887339
(\
Brohoof!
But before you decide to brohoof me, are you sure you want to touch the hoof?
Wierd chapter....but funny!
Ah, yes. Poison Joke does not settle for irony, it goes for bitter irony.
So this one would take place pretty early on in the story, then? I can name at least two mares who have shown great interest in our hero.
1886917 I forgot about that...
1887516 Let's see... Nailpolish... Various dresses... Men's underwear... A picture of an incredibly girly stallion... Shit, looks like I'm a gay pony. Better go yell at the mad scientist living in my basement. Stupid hobo geniuses, let em in, give em a place to stay, and how do they repay you?
1887569
So is that a yes or no on being a pony?
1887590 Let's just go with yes.
1887594
Good enough for me!
1887173 Seriously? Can you leave a constructive comment instead of an insulting one?1887603 and can you two take it somewhere else? I hate being the jerk, but... yeah.
1887633
But I like it here!
1887633 I don't think you understand the nature or purpose of the comments section, BronyWriter, and I'll leave it to you to discover it. In the meantime, bronyoftherevolution, could you just move your-- Oh, there, that's got it.
1887264 i'll second you
yes i know there's a like option but it just isnt the same
Is it bad that I find the majority of these extra scenes and bonus chapters more enjoyable than the majority of the regular chapters?
1886889
..... OH MY. Welp. Time to get a Hylian Timefield prepped so I can alter this event. HYLIAN TFs FTW! Lets see... How to make this better? Ah screw it. Its perfect. "LINK! DEACTIVATE THE TIMEFIELD!" Now... what to do? Care to join me in a dance party?
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"The quotation marks mean I am speaking in Hylian. So, feel free to insert yourself at any point. Link and I are waiting... and we got the DOCTOR!"
I can't wait for Lyra!
This chapter amused me.