• Published 26th Sep 2012
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No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! - BronyWriter



A non-brony is transported to Equestria

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Citizen Powell

I gotta get out of here. I... I... I... I just can't be here right now. I gotta... She can't send me home, why... no, I gotta get out of here. She can't... holy crap I... no, I gotta get home, she can't do this to me. I...oh no. No, this isn't freaking happening. I gotta get home in time to watch football with my dad and sister. They’re waiting for me, we're gonna... I haven't hugged my mom in a month. I want to... did I tell her I love her the last time I saw her? Did I say that to any of them? No, I'll get my computer and go back to Ponyville and something will get done. Yes, something will get done if I... I...

As I leave Celestia’s room behind, I can vaguely hear her saying something behind me, but I don't really care what she has to say right now. Just leave me alone, Celestia. Leave me alone, I don't want your company right now. Just leave me be.

As I reach the ballroom, I see that the ponies from the Gala are filing back into the castle. I guess the show is over. They seem like they've had a good time.

Who cares? Who gives a crap about the Wonderbolts?

As they pass me, their expressions of joy turn to worry and confusion. Why is the human stumbling down the hall like that? BECAUSE CELESTIA CAN'T SEND ME HOME, THAT'S WHY!

Twilight. I see Twilight in front of me. She's in my way, her mouth is moving, but I can't understand her. I was never any good at reading lips. She's not getting out of my way. Why won't she just leave me alone, too?

She's not getting out of my way. She has to get out of my way.

She's still talking to me. What is she saying? I never was any good at reading lips. "TD?" Ah, she's saying my name. "TD? What's wrong? You don't look so good."

I open my mouth to respond, but I can’t. I want to respond, but the words aren't coming. Everyone is staring at me. Even without saying or doing anything, I'm still making quite a scene. Funny, isn't it? No, I guess it isn't. Instead of trying and failing again and again on the simple task of formulating a response, I lean on a nearby table loaded with food.

"TD?" says another voice to my left. Celestia. Yeah, Celestia. "TD, I know this must be hard for you, but please, calm down. You must calm down."

The anger begins bubbling up inside of me. I so desperately want to attack her again, to go up to my room and grab my walking stick and begin beating her with it until their precious sun-goddess is nothing more than a red mess smeared on the ground. That'll teach her to meddle in my life.

No. No, violence isn't the answer. You can't hit her again. Keep calm, TD. Don't hurt her. Don't do anything stupid. Calm down. Calm down. Calm. Calm…

"What is happening here?" I hear Luna call. Celestia doesn't respond, but the silence tells her the story either way. "Thou hath told him the truth," she says, a little more softly than before.

"Yes," Celestia says sadly. Sad. She's upset for me. She's regretful about what she did.

Well, it's a little late for regret now, isn't it? Regret doesn't get me back to Earth. Regret doesn't make everything okay.

It doesn’t change the fact that I can't go home.

"Truth? What truth?" asks Twilight. I glance over at her. She’s not the only one: the rest of the mane six are looking worriedly at me, too.

"Should you tell them or should I, Celestia?" I say quietly. She says nothing; I guess it's up to me. "She can't send me home. After she pulled me in here, she can't send me back."

"Oh, TD," whispers Twilight. She sounds heartbroken, like she's legitimately sad for me. Perhaps she really is.

The entire hall is silent as I lean on the table, staring at the surface loaded with more food than I have seen in a while.

I...I...don't do anything stupid, TD. Just...

I can't help it. I try to control my anger, but I just can't. I begin wailing on the table, slamming my fists into it over and over again, as if the poor thing is the reason I'm here. The foods bounce off their plates, staining the pearl white towel. The wood creaks. The bones in my hands scream at me to stop. I start panting, out of breath with the continued effort. Sweat starts dripping into my eyes.

None of it really helps my anger, but I don't know what else to do. I want to hit something, I need to damage something or else I'll go insane. I don't know what else to do.

The entire hall gasps at my display, but I don't really care. It's far better that I take out my anger and frustration on something inanimate than an actual pony with thoughts and feelings. I don't want to hurt anyone.

Still, when I finish smashing down on the furniture, I find myself still angry. I don't know what to do.

"TD," I hear Celestia plead. "TD, please listen to me."

"Why should I?" I growl. "What possible reason do I have to listen to anything you have to say to me?"

"TD, please don't do this. Don't push us away. I'm terribly sorry for what I did, I really do, and I take full responsibility for all of it, believe me… But you don't have to go through this alone. We can help you, TD."

"The last time you decided to 'help' me, I got ripped away from home with no chance of going back." I don't hear the collective gasp and the explosion of conversations. My focus is on Celestia. “I'm done getting help from you, thank you very much.”

Celestia puts a hoof on my shoulder. "TD–"

"Get your stinking hoof off of me, you damn dirty horse!" I screech, batting her hoof off. I don't really care right now that I've used a heavy swear word, or if it’s a good idea or not. I'm just too angry to care. Will I regret what I just said later? Yeah, most likely...

Or I might regret it now, based on how mad Luna looks. "How dare you," she says with an impressive amount of bite. "How dare thou speak to Our sister in such a manner?!"

"Luna–"

"How can thou let him address you with so much disrespect, sister?! He has shown you nothing but contempt ever since his arrival!"

"Luna, please, can you not see what I do?” Luna opens her mouth to talk, but Celestia interrupts her. “Let me tell you what I see, Luna: I see somepony in pain. Somepony who has lost everything, and just had his hopes of getting them back dashed. Somepony who is lost and alone and grasping at straws."

As she talks, the mood of the room becomes somber, and most of the ponies flatten their ears. Luna is silent as she contemplates Celestia's words.

Then, Blueblood ruins everything with one carefully chosen sentence. "I think his behavior is positively dreadful. He's making such a scene, Auntie."

That does it. I was trying to keep my temper in check, I honest-to-God was, but Blueblood's snide remarks... I don't know, I just snap.

I glance to my left to see him standing next to me, and I grab one of the pies off of the table. The pastry ends up smashed flat right in the middle of his face. He screams like a little girl as the pastry makes contact with his perfectly styled mane. I expect him to begin crying right then and there, noticing that Rarity gives a slight giggle, but I don't pay too much attention to either.

"TD, that was uncalled for!" says Celestia angrily, putting a hoof on my shoulder again, heavily this time. "You didn't–"

With my temper lost and my emotions completely out of whack, history repeats itself.

I spin on my feet, extending a balled fist.

The first time I punched Celestia, I hit a bit under the eye; this time, I deck her square in the teeth. I'm not injured and in pain like last time. This time, I'm healthy and downright enraged. The momentum of the spin adds up to all that, and as a result, when my fist connects, I feel like I just swung a sledgehammer. Celestia actually recoils, though I think it’s more out of surprise than any pain I could ever cause her.

The last time I did that, it was in front of the mane six, a group of ponies that, while powerful, don't really match up when it comes to Celestia. This time, however, I attacked the immortal sun goddess of Equestria right in front of the immortal moon goddess of Equestria. A moon goddess that is already quite angry with me for, well, pretty much everything.

I suddenly register that the lights are dimmed in the castle. I hear Luna yelling. I am lying on the ground right next to a chair. I don't exactly know what happened, and I can only guess she's yelling at me. I don't really register what she's saying. I can't even move...why can't I move? I can't feel anything below the neck. Oh my gosh, what did she do to me? She didn't... Oh, no, she did.

Luna just snapped my spine.

Pretty much all of the mane six are crying, out of fear, I guess. They all look really scared at any rate. I can't tell how I myself look. Guess I look pretty bad.

There's a lot of commotion going on around me. Luna is still livid, and Celestia is trying to calm her down. Three of the servants are tending to a wailing Blueblood and the crowd around us is chattering in fear. They're scared, I can tell. I don't blame them, I'm pretty freaking scared too.

All of a sudden, the lights go all out and Celestia is enveloped in a white glow, her wings spread and she levitates into the air. She lets out an almost unholy shout in some language that I can't understand.

The glow fades and the lights turn back on. The entire hall is deathly silent. Nopony, even Luna, moves a muscle. Even Blueblood has stopped whining about the apple pie in his hair. All eyes are on Celestia. She’s unmoving for the moment. Her ears, head, and wings are drooped. She seems really sad.

She takes a deep breath before slowly walking over to me and looking down at me with a sad, contemplative look. Instead of saying anything, she fires up her horn. A white ball of energy comes out of it and floats down towards me, hitting me in the chest and sinking into my battered form.

A warm, fuzzy feeling spreads all over me, as if somebody is tucking me in under a warm blanket. Slowly, feeling starts to return to my limbs, and I find I can move them. The entire room watches me with rapt attention as I curl and uncurl my fingers. Good, looks like I have control again. I slowly sit up and use the chair next to me to pull myself off the floor. There’s a nasty bruise waiting to form on my back, but I can’t give a rat's tail about it.

I stare at Celestia again; then, I turn around and walk away.

As I pass Twilight, she opens her mouth to say something, but Applejack puts a hoof on her shoulder and shakes her head. Words cannot express how much I appreciate that.

I only take a few minutes to collect my computer bag and walking stick. As I do so, I think. I guess I'll just go back to Ponyville and try to figure out what to do from there… except I can't think of anything to do. I mean, how on Earth... Earth...

No, no, TD, focus. Focus…

But focus on what? How on Earth am I supposed to focus on anything?! The sun goddess of Equestria just annihilated every hope I had since coming here. The most powerful being in the world just told me that she can't do anything for me. Who the heck else is there to do anything?!

Despite having assaulted two members of royalty almost at the same time, one of them being the nation's ruler, I am not stopped on my way out. I guess if Celestia isn't going to obliterate me for that, then the royal guards aren't going to lift a hoof either. As such, my exit from Canterlot Castle is completely uneventful. I still get glares from a few guards as I pass, but they hold their tongues. Good. I can stand the glares, but words… those would be a different story. Blueblood has already proven that.

I head straight to the train station. I can't be in Canterlot right now. There’s no way I can be anywhere near Celestia right now. As for Luna, well, she could have killed me if she wanted to. I'm surprised that she didn't. But maybe that was Celestia again with her need to keep me alive.

Something drips onto my pant leg. When I look down at it, I see my knuckles have a jagged cut on them. It’s bleeding a little. I must have torn it open on Celestia's teeth.

I reach the train station just as the next train to Ponyville pulls into the station. Some luck, at least; it isn't much, but it's something. I buy a ticket back to Ponyville, and within twenty minutes, the train is on its way. It’s late in the night, so I manage to get my own car. For me, that’s excellent news – I can’t stand to be around other ponies right now. If I can at least pretend that I'm in a world where it's just me on a train, then maybe...

I don't know, actually. I don't know what's going to happen. I don't know what I’m feeling, or what I should feel. I don't know what my plan is. I don’t know if I even have a plan.

I just feel... helpless. I feel… alone.

No.

I am alone.

* * * *

The train pulls into Ponyville after an amount of time that I can't quite measure. It may have been six hours, or six minutes… and I don't care at this point. All I know is that it's about ten in the morning. I think it’s Sunday. Yeah, the Gala was last night and it's daytime now, so it would be Sunday, wouldn't it?

I leave the train station behind with an utter lack of emotion. Maybe when I lost it at the Gala, I was drained of normal emotions.

I feel numb. Maybe that's a good thing, because I don't know if I want to feel anything right now. I guess I should just go back to my house and get a nap in or something.

Yeah, things always look better after twelve hours of sleep. Lord knows I could use it.

"Hey, TD," says a cheerful voice beside me. "Yer back early!"

I look down to see a smiling Apple Bloom standing next to me. I sigh and nod almost imperceptibly. "Yeah."

"How was the Gala?" she asks excitedly. "Did y’all talk to Princess Celestia?"

"Yeah."

Apple Bloom raises an eyebrow and cocks her head slightly as she falls in step. "Did she tell ya if you could go home yet?"

"Yeah. I talked to her. She said no."

After a bit of surprise, Apple Bloom's bow droops a bit, much like her ears. "Oh... Ah'm real sorry 'bout that," she says quietly. "What’cha gonna do now?"

I shrug in silence.

My home comes into view… it looks so much less welcoming now. More like a prison than it has ever been. Its simplicity is almost unforgiving.

I open the door and keep it ajar so Apple Bloom can follow me inside if she wants to, put my satchel on the ground next to my scooter, and place my walking stick next to it. My little guest is looking up sadly at me. She looks just like Twilight, Applejack, and the ponies at the Gala did. She's sorry for me. They all are.

Well, maybe not Blueblood, but when has that jerk ever counted for anything?

"… so what now?" she asks quietly from where she's sitting on the floor.

I shrug again and turn around to look at the contents of my house. Indeed, what now? It's almost all pony stuff. The only things from Earth are my scooter and computer. Everything else is Equestrian. Everything else is something foreign, something that is another reminder that I can't go back home. I gotta get back home, but I can't. I can't go back home, I can't.

I gotta, but I can't.

I notice I'm destroying my house. I don't know why I'm doing it, I'm just wrecking everything.

I start by flipping the table and kicking one of the legs off. It stays there on the floor, legs up like a crippled animal in agony. Next, I topple my fridge. It makes a loud bang when it hits the ground, and all of the food comes tumbling out. The intruding noise causes me to jump a bit, but really, who gives a damn?

My closet door comes next. I rip it right off its hinges. It's pretty easy, really. It doesn't take much to tear that sucker right off. The contents go next. I smash the cleaning supplies on the ground, one by one. Most of them are in plastic containers, but some stuff still spills out.

Huh, I guess I'll have to clean that out later.

What to destroy next? I don't know. I don't even know why I'm destroying my home. No, it’s a house, not a home. But it doesn't take away the pain. I'm not even really feeling emotional pain right now. But I have to destroy something. What else is there for me to do? I hate the pressure I'm feeling. It's like somebody is grabbing hold of my insides and won't let go. They're twisting my guts around, crushing them. They feel frozen.

I have to destroy something. I don't know what else to do. I can't just stand there and do nothing.

There’s someone crying. Wait... crying... why do I hear crying? Who's crying?

I reach my hand up to my face to see if it's me. It's not me. So who's...

Oh no.

I turn around to see Apple Bloom huddled in a corner of the room, sobbing her eyes out. She looks scared, and I mean really scared. She's looking up at me like I'm going to attack her or something.

One emotion sprouts from the void. Regret. It hits me like a hundred-feet-high wave of concrete.

"Oh, geez, Apple Bloom."

I try to walk over to her, but she whimpers and curls up even tighter into a little ball of yellow and red. I sit on the floor and lean against my bed. I feel miserable. "I'm so sorry I scared you, Apple Bloom," I whisper. "I shouldn't have let you see this. I shouldn't even have done it."

She continues crying, but more quietly. She looks a little less scared right now... that's good. I don't like scaring my friends.

"I'm scared, too, Apple Bloom," I mumble weakly. "I… I'm really scared. I can’t go back home. I don’t… I don’t know what to do, heck, I don't know even what to feel. I'm feeling so dang lost right now."

All of a sudden, there’s a commotion going on outside of my house. I look through the small window near the door and see something I wished to see the very least in my entire life: Celestia and Luna in front of my house, both stepping off of a chariot pulled by six royal guards.

I try my best to repress my anger as I stand up and grab my walking stick. "Stay here," I order the frightened filly. She nods with a sniffle.

I open the door, and when they see me coming out, the princesses stop approaching. Luna looks more than a little irritated. Celestia still looks really sad. I have to admit, it's hard to know what to feel regarding her. On one hand, I sympathize with how glum she must be, but on the other, I’m a bit pleased; she's the one who did this to me after all.

It doesn't really matter right now. I don't want to see either of them. "This is private property, you two. You're trespassing."

Celestia frowns, and Luna goes from annoyed straight back to livid. "How dare you say such things to us?!" she yells out. "We demand that you respect–"

"Respect?!” I yell with a laugh. It comes out so cold, so venomous, it scares even me. That’s not how I’m feeling… is it? “I don't have to respect a damn thing about either one of you,” I point my walking stick at Luna, “especially not you."

Luna's eyes narrow. Her eyes flicker white. She looks like she's about to obliterate me where I stand. I'm awed and terrified inside, not at that, but at the fact that I can’t bring myself to give a flying feather even to my possible death. "Thou would do well to–"

"To what?!” I cut her off. “To bow my head and let you do whatever you want to do me, like an obedient little pony? Or else what, I'm sent to the moon?"

"We admit the idea is tempting," she says angrily. "Now thou would do well to shut up and listen!"

"I do not–"

"ENOUGH!!!"

Luna stumbles and I curl up in our startles. We both look towards Celestia.

Despite the use of the Royal Canterlot Voice, she doesn't look angry, not even annoyed.

She’s stern, but under that... She looks tired. Really tired.

Luna and I are both staring at her, waiting for the next move. I imagine she'll just cut us off if we try to speak, at any rate. "Now I want you to listen to me, both of you," she begins. "I don't want this to get any farther out of control than it already is." She sighs and turns to me. "TD, this isn't the best way. I know you're sad and confused and mad at me, but you don't have to go through this alone. We can help you. I said I am sorry for what I have caused you, and I take full responsibility for everything. I meant those words.”

Her look becomes pleading. “Please, let me help you. Anything you need, I can help you with. Just don't push us away like this."

“Can you help me go home?” I say flatly.

Celestia deflates even more. “No.”

"Then I don't want your help," I state. It's not a threat, a retort, or anything. It’s just that, a statement. "The last time you tried to help me, you sentenced me to life imprisonment without any human contact or chance at parole. Where I come from, even the worst felons don't go through anything like this.” I can tell she almost winces at that, but she keeps her composure. “Plus, I don't recall you offering me any help whatsoever before this."

"Have you ever requested it?"

I shake my head. "No, I didn’t, just like I’m not requesting it now. Especially not after your sister’s actions.” I glare at Luna, and she glares at me in turn. “Thanks for the head-on-a-stick game, by the way,” I spit out at her. “I always wanted to know how it feels to be a quadriplegic, and that chair proved a paralyzing experience.”

The way Luna withdraws when I say that – as her eyes turning to pinpricks and her mouth goes agape, she lifts a front hoof up in what I guess is surprise – almost makes me want to laugh. So, to her, being imprisoned in a ball of rock with no air is less bad than being paralyzed from the neck down? Then again, she probably can’t imagine how that feels, being almost invulnerable and all that jazz. Maybe she didn't even know what she did to me back at the palace, and I'm the one to break the news to her.

The surprise revelation seems to mollify her, though: when Celestia puts a white foreleg around her, she closes her eyes with a sigh. "We...” She takes a breath. “We are sorry for what We did to thee. Our reaction was disproportionate

So, she has relented. Too bad I don’t feel like doing the same. "You think?” I say, as flat as ever. It's not a question. “What's with you ponies and thinking Celestia needs protecting from me anyway? If whatever I do is unwarranted, then she can execute me herself."

I never thought Celestia could grimace this badly. I swear her face goes slightly green for a fraction of a second.

From regretful, Luna jumps into deeply frustrated. I guess I'm not the only one having problems with my own emotions. "We have already apologized for our actions! What more do you want from us?!"

I turn back towards my house. "I'm going to take my friend Apple Bloom home right now,” I say over my shoulder, “and here's what I want: I want you to be out of my sight when I get back to this house. I don’t care if you’ll go back to Canterlot to pick up the pieces of your precious Grand Galloping Gala, or if you’ll stay on the library to research about portals. Heck, go out on the field to pick the flowers that grow in your precious little pony world.

“You two can do whatever you feel like doing, but unless you come back with news that I can be sent back straight away, I don’t want to see either of you two ever again. Ever."

With that, I start walking. The only sound I hear is my footsteps on the path to the front door; there’s no wind, bird cry, or any sign that the two rulers of Equestria are even there anymore. When I get inside, Apple Bloom looks up at me with large, watery eyes, but she seems to have calmed down a little. I sigh and lean down close to her. "I'm gonna take you home, okay?" I say as softly as I can.

Apple Bloom nods slowly. I get up and move through the door, and she follows me out of the building. The royal sisters are still outside, something that causes Apple Bloom to flinch back with a whimper. She walks closer to me, and I pick her up off the ground, hiding her face in my chest as I walk past the alicorns.

Just like I don’t acknowledge their presence, they do nothing as we walk closer, looking at me with blank faces, though I think I can see traces of emotion in them – irritation and regret on Luna’s, and the deep sorrow from before on Celestia’s. Then again, there’s the Kuleshov Effect to take into account: it might be just me connecting dots that aren’t there.

However, that train of thought is derailed by my waist bumping into a foreleg. A blue foreleg at that. “One condition,” Luna whispers very quietly in my ear. “Stop regarding my sister like so much nightsoil. No matter what you think, she is the kindest pony in Equestria, and has done absolutely nothing but stand up for thee so far. She does not deserve this.”

I turn my head so that my mouth is close to her ear. Her fur tickles my lips as I whisper, “Look, if you do as I say, you won't have to concern yourself with me treating her as anything, okay?”

She doesn't respond with words, instead snorting a lungful of hot air on the back of my neck. I take it that our whispering session is over and, pushing her leg out of my way, I continue onto Sweet Apple Acres.

The walk is silent for a few minutes, at least until we leave the town. Only then Apple Bloom squirms in my grasp. I forgot I am still carrying her. “TD, can ya please put me down?”

I comply, setting her on her hooves back on the road. She looks down, her ears flopping back. "Ah'm sorry if Ah said anythin' to make ya mad, TD," she mumbles.

I sigh and shake my head. "You did nothing, you hear me? Nothing at all. Don't ever think you did.” I sigh again. It comes out pretty heavy, like there’s some kind of smoke mixed with it. “In fact, you and your friends are some of the few things that make this whole thing bearable for me. I'd have gone nuts a long time ago if it weren't for Cheerilee letting me teach you guys about my world. I... want to thank you for being accepting of me.

“I also want you to know that I wasn't mad at you, when I... when I trashed that house. I just felt so helpless, I felt like I had to destroy something, or else I’d go nuts. I just wish you didn’t have to see that…"

Apple Bloom nods slowly. "Ah'm sorry y’all can’t go home, TD," she whispers as she nuzzles my leg.

I crouch and stroke my kid friend’s cheek, and from the way she brightens up a bit more and nuzzles into my hand, I feel glad I decided for it. Ponies seem to express themselves better through physical contact, so gestures tell things to them more easily than words do, I guess.

I look up to see the gate to the farm right in front of us. Apple Bloom walks through and up to the farm house’s porch, before she fixes me with a questioning gaze. I nod, and she finally walks into her home.

When I'm sure that Apple Bloom is fine, I begin the trek back. I am pleased to see that there is neither sight nor sound of the royal sisters after all, but as I open the door, I turn back a slight bit just to make sure that the two aren't waiting for me, making sure I'm alone. They did honor my request after all.

The only one who is in sight is the local zebra, Zecora, if I recall.

Wait... Zecora...? Zecora...

Oh, yeah.

For the first time in what feels like an eternity, a small smile forms on my face. I keep watching the pony that isn’t really a pony walk towards town, a plan forming in my mind.