Itsy-Bitsy Spawn of Tartarus
In the long run, I should have seen it coming a mile away. Perhaps this was punishment. That fateful day when Luna would want a furry companion. And how ironic that the most endearing aspect of her new pet terrified me out of my wits. Dear sister wanted a pet. Why, oh why, did I ever indulge her? I should have quashed her dream like a bug, perhaps convinced her a pet was not worth it.
But I agreed. I encouraged her to have a pet. A little buddy, if you will, to entertain her and keep her company during those long, dreary nights. And so I recommended Luna to the best pet specialist I knew: Fluttershy. Luna later described to me the near orgasmic reaction the pegasus had when Luna came knocking for a pet. Fluttershy was the sweetest, kindest, gentlest creature in all of Equestria. To want to harm her was a crime against nature.
And yet, I felt an overwhelming desire to do so. I should have thrown her in the dungeon when I had the chance.
Out of all the pets to choose from, it had to be that one. There were so many pets to choose from! A dog, for instance. A cat! A hamster, or a gerbil, a turtle or a songbird! Even a snake was preferable to that...thing.
"Is he not adorable?" Luna said as it crawled along her outstretched hoof.
As for me, my flanks were pressed against the farthest corner of the room, away from it. "Adorable?"
"Who's adorable?" Luna gushed. "You are, Atticus! Yes you are! Yes you are!"
That infernal creature crawled along her hoof toward her chest. I felt my body go numb and tingle with fear, its razor-sharp fangs dripping with venom nearing her neck as it continued to crawl almost slowly toward her face. Its eight limbs moved in such a manner that made me want to retch. Its beady, soulless eyes were expressionless. The arachnid had a furry body. Why does it even have hair? It doesn't even have skin!
"Don't let it bite you!" I warned, nearly shrieking.
"Oh, don't be silly, Celestia. Atticus would never bite me!"
"He could be poisonous!"
"I assure you he is not. And even if he was, if he bit you, it would be comparable to a bee sting."
I was not letting that thing within twenty feet of me.
"Oho, look, 'Tia."
The blood drained from my face. I covered my eyes, nearly on the verge of passing out.
"Look, look, he's on my face."
My pale coat was paling even more. My face felt cold. I felt ill.
"Heehee, he's in my hair."
I could not help but feel as if a thousand spiders were crawling all over my body. In an extremely uncouth manner I teleported out of her bedroom, beads of sweat sliding down my body.
Not only a spider. Oh no, it just couldn't have been a spider that I could quash with a hoof. It was a tarantula. A hairy, demonic tarantula with eight long, spindly, twitching, furry legs and four beady black eyes. She even gave it a name! Atticus! What kind of a name was that?
It wasn't enough that she kept it in her room, though preferably in a dungeon. Luna insisted on not keeping Atticus caged up.
Oh, and that could have been the end of it all. Everything would have been all said and done and everything all well and good. I would just never step hoof in her bedroom again.
But then Luna had to bring him to dinner.
"Goodness, Luna, not at the dinner table!"
"If Philomena is allowed to be present during supper, I think Atticus should be allowed to as well."
It sat on her head as she ate her salad, often times crawling around on her head only to plant itself back on her crown, as if using it as a bed.
I had no room to talk. So I continued to eat my salad, trying not to retch as I did so, trying to think of pleasant things. I looked up.
Atticus was staring at me. Just...staring. Not moving.
I stared back, wishing I could have laser beams shoot from my eyes and vaporize him. I gazed back intensely, narrowing my eyes, not daring to blink, for if I did, he would have shot onto my face in an instant. And for some reason, at that particular moment when he and I faced off in a battle of wits, I began to think. And I began to plan. In that moment when our eyes met, I'd already decided in my mind on a way to get rid of him, already planning his demise. It was a declaration of war.
There was a time I would happily declare to anypony that I was not afraid of spiders. I loved every creature in the world, especially my little ponies.
But I make an exception for spiders. They are Death incarnate, wrapped in scary. There was nothing cute about a spider. No endearing qualities. You couldn't cuddle with a spider. Hug it, or pet it. Play fetch or have it do tricks.
You may tell me that spiders have families. Every living creature is sentient. They should all have a right to life. I make an exception, and it is with this fact that spiders have families that I insist we should murder them all.
And then there is some twisted logic that somepony decided would be good to tell their foal that they were bigger than a spider, and there was no reason to be afraid. That is precisely the reason they are so terrifying. They seem so harmless, their lethargic movement so disarming, that you let your guard down.
Tonight, I would have royal guards sweep my room for the mere trace of a spiderweb. And even after my faithful guards confirm that there were, in fact, no spiders lurking in my bedsheets, I would probably be unable to sleep. Spiders were everywhere. And I would not let one get the jump on me.
You know what's more fun than spiders? A brick. A brick is so useful. You can use it for all sorts of things. Like crushing spiders. Did you know you can play games with a brick? I would have loved to play brick tag with Luna. See, all you have to do is get hit by the brick to be "it".
Blunt force trauma. Fun. I'd play brick tag with Atticus.
Or, or, you could jump over a brick! Or crush a spider with it. Or drop a brick from a tall tower. Onto a spider.
I think I've gone insane.
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This is wonderful.
Very funny, hope it continues!
Oh yes you have princess :D
I like where this is going.
Dennis nice work. I await the updates. :P
Oh spiders they're not so bad.
Poor Celly.
I have the distinct feeling that Luna adopted Atticus because Celestia is afraid of spiders.
Celly, it just takes one innocent pass with a vacuum and them spider confetti.
HAHAGAAAAA SPIDER SPIDER GET IT OF AAAAAAAHHHHHH
What's so scary about spiders...?
I mean they aren't cuddly, but they aren't EVIL, silly filly Celestia.
This is a pretty funny story, I hope it continues!
Intriguing.
Awaiting further releases.
hahahahaha! that was awesome!
if had i choice i would say; include others, like twilight, that would be absolutely hilarious. they don't need to be major characters of course, just occasionally be involved.
Uh oh. Luna broke Celestia. We need a Psychologist in here! @_@
Death incarnate, wrapped in scary? Sounds about right. Ugh, little monsters.
why ever thing is bigger and eight
Ha, I wrote a chapter once where Celestia's only scene was to have a horrible flashback of "Spiderses" as she's severely Arachnophobic
I freaking love spiders. And this little freakout is brilliant. Insta-fave. Make more chapters, please. :3
By the way, this is just a suggestion, but, make Atticus intelligent... seemingly 1 step ahead of Celestia's every move. Make it a true war between bitter enemies, until it gets "castle shattering" out of control...
This is very promising. I do so enjoy you're writing style.
Also
My cousin used to have a Goliath Turantula a few years ago. So I know that feeling very VERY well.
Reminds me of another story: A Giant Huntsman Spider Scares Ponies
"Death incarnate, wrapped in scary."
If you ask me, that's a pretty badass description of a tarantula!
There's nothing wrong with me, is there?
Also, MOAR
I enjoy a good game of brick tag
*launches brick* YOU'RE IT!
Oh you have got to be kidding me. I've thought about stories where the mane 6 get their minds swapped with their pets. And mabye the royal sisters too. But the problem was that Luna didn't have a pet.
Thanks to you, now she does. He he he.
*After reading*
Oh my, this is hilarious. If I ever do get to writing something about mind swap with pets, this is definitely going to make it glorious! I tell you, I won't be able to stop laughing.
I want a brick now
I guess you've been reading "Hyperbole and a Half".
Don't worry Celestia, you aren't the only pony who hates spiders.
Whatever are you people talking about?
bozined.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/wolf-spider-eyes.jpg
How could you not love this face?
Bwahahahaha!!! Oh, Celestia!!
Oh, Celestia, you just have to establish clear boundaries and rules for luna's pet.
Y'know, perfectly reasonable things like "if that thing ever touches me, I will use the sun itself to swat it away."
The death of the whole world would be worth it.
I used to fear spiders. I turned that negative emotion into the much healthier alternative called "seething, burning, passionate anger". When I find a spider in my room, I spray it with rubbing alcohol before immolating it.
What I'm saying is: KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
i feel with celly here, i am severly arachnaphobic, and i couldnt even be in the same room with one, especially a taranchula *shudders* and after that face hugger thought...
(note to self, i would rather fight an army of xenos than a taranchula or facehugger)
you nailed my fear perfectly, too bad i read too far into stuff so now i will be paranoid thinking this story is a bad omendl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Redheart_gasp.png
1337877 EVERYTHING!
Another fanfic by Dennis the Menace? I must read! *realizes I'm going to Choral society... ASAP* ... Heh. *clicks read it later button* Looking forward to it.
EDIT: Why, Fluttershy, WHY?! What were you thinking?! I feel for Celestia; spiders scare the shit out of me. Kill it with a brick, Celestia!
I DEMAND THAT SOMEONE DRAWS THIS IMMEDIATELY
Oh, what sordid stories we write.
Celestia's afraid of spiders...
Luna gets one for a pet...
Celestia's about to be the first alicorn to give birth to kittens.
Epic story. Can't wait for the next one... Even though I have to.
1337877 Yes. Yes they are.
I hate spiders. They are EEEVIL.
I have a "pet" spider living inside my double-paned window, dutifully guarding her little egg sack. I've fed her a fly or two, but she usually doesn't seem to need my help, since I don't have a screen in place. Also, the sort of people who kill any spider they see automatically lose a few levels of respect from me. Not much worse than mindlessly killing something simply because it exists. And that's coming from someone who once woke up to a spider biting my face.
Anyway, pointless tangents aside, amusing story so far.
Spiders are natures stalkers. They are there even though you cant see them and when you do see them they are just lurking about in some dark corner. And on occasion they decide to just 'drop in' on what ever you are doing and ruin your day. I dont like spiders, but I like this story. Please, keep the creepy crawly comedy coming. (Say that five times fast)
Wow this is amazing please write more i shall await updates
1338693 I would like to explode that picture 9002 times make whatever references wanted here
NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
Atticus.
Rhymes with abacus.
I saw what you did there.
Sounds like the reaction my sister in law had when she walked into my computer room and saw Annabel. (Mexican red-knee that I'm watching for a friend) I look forward to more.
Like spiders... but I love this.
Celestia, you're not the only one..
People think I'm psyco when I see a tiny wolf spider and I back up like, 10 feet.
"Just step on it!"
Oh, hell no, I'm NOT getting any one of my limbs near that.. thing.
You know what's more fun than spiders? A brick. A brick is so useful. You can use it for all sorts of things. Like crushing spiders.
I literally lol'ed at that line
the pets have been doubled! Oh Celestia what were you thinking
Aww, how bad could it be it's just a... wait... tarantula?
OH DEAR GOD KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!
I feel your pain Celly.
Oh God I'm not going to be able to sleep after reading this.
Awesome. The immortal sun goddess, who's lived thousands of years, probably fought countless wars to establish peace, beloved monarch of Equestria, has arachnophobia. Genius. And the brick bit was hilarious.
I personally think that spiders are supercool, but hey. Whatever. It is what it is. "It's just a spider; I should really just relax."
Lovingly,
~Plyxe
What is that I see? An "incomplete" tag? Oh, happy day!
oh god dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_rainbowkiss_flip.png